How the Heart Beats

Stella wasn’t like most girls, of that I was certain. She wasn’t your stereotypical hot blonde who was most guys’ dream, but would never give any of them the time of day. No, she was blonde, but she wasn’t anything like that. Don’t get me wrong, I thought she was beautiful and I loved all of her quirks, but Stella wasn’t the same kind of pretty as other girls. Sure, she didn’t look like most guys’ dream girls, but I liked that and what I liked even more was that she didn’t look like she was trying to look like that either. For starters, Stella was short and curvy and had a soul that radiated beauty and kindness throughout her entirety.

One of my favorite of her features was probably her eyes. I could’ve drowned in her eyes and been the happiest man to ever exist. Stella’s eyes were a strange blue-gray that I hadn’t ever really seen before. They normally stayed more gray than blue, but as I remembered how blue they were when she was crying, I decided I would rather they be gray. It wasn’t often I got to see someone with gray eyes anyway. They were deep and endless and all consuming, despite how guarded they were. Sometimes, for just a brief second, her eyes would change and I would see something tortured and scared and sad, deep, deep below the surface and that worried me more than I liked to admit.

Stella’s hair was a color close to hay, but about a thousand times softer. And it seemed as if her scent was the strongest in her hair. She kept it about two or three inches past her shoulders and often pushed back from her face somehow. It was neither pin straight nor did it curl in ringlets, but the waves that spilled around her face and shoulders were the epitome of her being. Sometimes she let it do whatever it wanted and it still managed to look perfect. I couldn’t explain why, but I loved Stella’s hair. Maybe it was the way the light hit it, maybe it was the smell, I wasn’t really sure. I didn’t much care to think about the why, since it only made me more confused on the matter.

Her lips were neither thin nor full. They fit her face the right way and they tasted sweet, like she did nothing all day but keep a lollipop between those two sweet little pink rose petals. Honestly, the taste of her lips made me wonder what her blood tasted like. That and it made me want to kiss her more, which I knew would only get me further into trouble than I already was. The left corner of her mouth was turned up ever so slightly at the edge, no matter what she was feeling, while the right hand corner turned slightly down in the same fashion. It wasn’t something anyone would have noticed unless they were truly studying her face the way I had done on a few separate occasions.

Stella was pale. The kind of person who pretty obviously never tanned, but I liked that too. I loved that she was unordinary looking because she was one of a kind, which honestly made me feel good about myself. As she walked toward me that night, the paleness of her skin was amplified by the glow of the moon and she looked ethereal and almost angelic. For a second I could have even sworn she was a ghost. The sight of her made my heart pound in triple time. And when I saw her grin at me, all teeth and eyes, I almost didn’t understand how I could have ever hated her.

She walked closer, but I didn’t move to get up. I was so struck by her grin, which was somewhere between carnivorous and bubbly, truly the strangest combination ever, that I couldn’t do anything but stare and gape and wave dumbly. I felt like a complete idiot when she made it to my side and held her arms out for a hug.

“Nope,” I said, patting the ground beside me, making it up as I went, “and if you want one, you have to come to me.”

With a roll of her eyes and a shake of her head, Stella grabbed my hands and pulled me off of the ground and into a tight embrace. “I already came to you. You could put in a little more effort than a note,” she murmured into my ear with a giggle, obviously not meaning what she’d said. I breathed a small laugh and wrapped my arms around her, resting my chin atop her head. It was nice to see Stella happy again. It was almost strange to me to see how quickly she bounced back from the night before. And even stranger that I found myself wanting to hug her tighter and never let go. I almost couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed her company. I nuzzled the top of the girl’s head and then pulled back to look into her endless light gray eyes. I was met with a grin that could put a sunrise to shame. I had opened my mouth to speak, but when I saw her face, my mouth went dry and my entire vocabulary caught in my throat.

“What?” She tilted her head to the side and gazed at my mask. Her eyes narrowed and she reached forward slowly. Her fingers hesitated at the edge of my mask until I nodded my permission and as she gently pried it from my face, I swear her grin somehow got brighter, “That’s better,” she whispered, “now, why are you looking at me like that?”

I had to clear my throat and force saliva into my mouth before I could speak again, “I… I just wasn’t sure you were going to come,” I muttered, looking down at my muddy boots. The next thing I felt was the impact of my mask as she threw it at me. When I looked up, she rolled her eyes and pounced on me, knocking us both to the ground.

“I don’t know whether to laugh or be offended at what you just said,” she whispered, threading her fingers into my hair. Her closeness immediately made me nervous. I could feel my palms start to sweat even as I tried to will them not to.

“Wh-what do you mean?” I asked and she laughed. Her laugh felt and sounded like a purr against my chest; it was sexy and sensual and fun, everything that Stella exemplified. I had to fight the shiver that threatened to claw its way through my body every time she laughed, especially when she was laying on top of me.

“I mean why wouldn’t I come, silly?” She breathed, her cool breath chilling my ear. I placed my hands on her hips and shrugged, unable to conjure enough brain power to respond. I was starting to feel aroused and didn’t know how to fight it while maintaining conversation. It felt as if it took all of my brain power to do one or the other.

“Probably because I’m an asshole and I’m just waiting for you to notice it,” I managed after a moment. She chuckled again and I couldn’t help but dig my fingers lightly into her lower back, my hands grasping at the leather of the jacket I’d lent her the night before. It looked good on her, even though it was far too large. I was too busy enjoying the moment to try to explain that I’d meant what I’d said. I had a very hard time comprehending the fact that she didn’t hate me.

We laid in silence for a long moment before I pulled my iPod out and slipped the ear buds into her ears. She looked confused, but didn’t protest as I held a finger up to her lips and pulled up the song I wanted her to hear. The one that completely explained my feelings for her. As The Rasmus’ Ten Black Roses played in her ears, I watched her listen. Stella’s eyes lit up as she fell into the beat of the song; she must’ve enjoyed it. The song had been stuck in my head all day, but I hadn’t realized why until Stella walked into the clearing that night. It was as if it was written for her. Neither of us said a word as the four minutes passed by and she absorbed the song. Finally, at its end, she pulled the ear buds out and blinked, her baby blues boring into my soul.

“Shadow, that’s beautiful,” she said as she leaned down and kissed me right on the lips. I tensed, but eased myself into the kiss once I realized what she was doing. I wasn’t sure if she understood why I had her listen to that song, but in that moment all I could think about was the feel of her soft sweet lips on my own.

“Stella,” I whispered as we parted, “I know that I won’t always be able to completely be there for you, but I want you to know that I will be there for you as much as I can, in some form or another. I don’t want any harm to come to you.” I placed a hand on her cheek and lightly stroked it with my thumb. I didn’t even feel the part of me that wanted to commit suicide for having spoken such words.
Honestly, I was nervous to hear Stella’s response and I almost wanted to completely close my ears and mind so I might never know. To live in that moment and know that I gave her a heart that I wasn’t sure existed, that would have been happiness. I did not need to hear her response, but I couldn’t close my ears and mind. I found that I had to know. I peered into her eyes, feeling my palms start to dampen. She looked back at me, her eyes large and innocent and full of wonder and she almost looked like a creature far less harmful than I knew her to be. She stayed silent for a moment and I felt my frustration growing. Why wouldn’t she say something? Had I crossed a line? Probably. Why did I have to open my stupid mouth? I was such an idiot. And just as my brain, which was in over drive at that point, decided to call it a miserable epic failure, the girl flung her body against mine and hugged me harder than I’d ever been hugged before. I fell backwards into the grass once more and slowly, tentatively, I wrapped my arms around Stella in return.

“Shadow?” She asked, her tiny voice cracked as she spoke.

“Hm?” I replied, my eyes closed as my head lay in the soft grass. At that moment, I did not trust my voice even the slightest bit.

“You’re the greatest,” she whispered, nuzzling into my neck. I felt the heat rise to my face and knew there was no way to disguise it.

“No way,” I responded, running my fingers through her hair, “oh! There’s something I want you to see!” I grinned and sat the two of us back up. I reached to my side and sure enough, the small black rabbit was still there. His fur was soft beneath my fingers and he didn’t seem to mind that I was relocating him. I set him in Stella’s lap as gently as I could. She made a small cooing noise as soon as I released the rabbit from my grip.

“He’s so cute! And so soft!” She giggled, lightly giving the rabbit’s cheek a scratch. “How did you come across such a sweetie? I would’ve thought most animals fled from you,” she grimaced quickly as she realized what she’d said, “no offense or anything,” Stella added with a small smile. I laughed and reached over to pet the rabbit.

“None taken. Usually they do. I tend to give off a threatening, predatory scent that pushes other animals, and people, away. That’s why I was so confused when you seemed like you wanted to be friends right off the bat. And this little fella did pretty much the same thing. Bounced right up to me, gave me a sniff, then fell asleep by my side. Fearless bastard if you ask me. But it reminded me of you, so I figured I’d let him live.” Stella’s smile twisted into a smirk as she absorbed my words.
“I don’t think you’re as big and bad and dangerous as you like to claim,” she accused, her gray-blue eyes boring into my soul. I rolled my eyes and lightly shoved her to the side.

“I don’t need to prove myself to you or anyone else. But, for the record, I did kill five people just last night and I know you saw the blood on my hands when I returned to you, so don’t pretend like you didn’t.” Stella’s mouth snapped shut and she smiled shyly as the image undoubtedly came back to her. I remembered too, the way I looked crazed and monstrous as I’d caught my reflection in the small mirror above the bathroom sink. There was blood on my hands and some smeared across my neck and even mouth from the moments when I’d lifted my mask and drained the remaining blood from half-dead opponents. Stella didn’t look at me. Had it not registered the night before? Or was it simply that she hadn’t thought about it and hearing my admission to murder brought a drastic realization? Before I could wonder more, I felt something sharp pierce my finger.

“Ow!” I frowned as I glanced at the rabbit and the blood swelling from the wound on my finger. “That bastard bit me! Little fucker!” I growled and as I was about to swipe at the bunny with my good hand, Stella grabbed the wounded one and stuck the tip of my finger in her mouth. Reflexively, I jerked away.

“What the fuck are you doing?! My blood is pure and extremely valuable! Nobody drinks it.” My teeth bared and I could hear my words mixing into a snarl. But Stella didn’t get upset. In fact, she laughed and rolled her eyes.

“Calm down Mr. Dangerous. I’m not trying to feed off of you. I’m trying to heal you and stop the bleeding.” Her voice remained soft and sweet, like cotton candy and she didn’t seem nervous about my outrage at all. I blushed and felt like an idiot again.

“Oh, okay,” I mumbled and let her put my still bleeding finger back in her mouth. I felt her soft tongue work over the bite and I couldn’t suppress a small laugh. She looked at me with a questioning smile and I let myself laugh a little more.

“That tickles,” I whispered, unable to wrap my mind around what was happening. “I’ve never let anyone else drink my blood before.” I lightly brushed a lock of hair out of her eyes and she grinned wider. After a moment, I knew the wound had healed and been sterilized and the flash of rage that had over some me had subsided easily. It was hard to stay that worked up around Stella, whose presence was calming and emanated happiness. Despite the fact that she was a predator, small animals still adored her. I just didn’t get it.

“Stella, I think it’s healed, but you can drink more if you’d like.” I couldn’t push my voice much above a murmur and I was much too relaxed to try. I felt her let go and I pulled my finger away.

“No, thank you though,” she said, sounding more delicate than usual. I didn’t understand how someone could evoke such feelings in me. It wasn’t even like she was trying. I studied the mark left on my finger and found myself fairly impressed.

“Wow, who would’ve thought that such a little think would leave such a big bite?” I chuckled, glancing at Stella’s lap, but the rabbit had fled shortly after biting me.

“You’d be surprised. I’ve come across plenty of fearsome tiny creatures.” She grinned and I knew she was partly implying herself, but she was right, Stella and the rabbit were very similar. Friendly, fearless, gentle, but with some unbidden streak of darkness deep below the surface. I liked everything about Stella, and as much as I was sure the kindness and gentleness were what attracted others to her, I had a feeling that strange inner darkness was what made her irresistible to me. I gave her shoulder a small squeeze and sighed softly. How had I gotten myself in so deep with this girl? I fell so hard and fast that the impact of my feelings for her probably should have killed me.

“So I heard you have a class with Tawny,” she murmured, head on my shoulder. I tried not to groan out loud, but couldn’t refrain from rolling my eyes.

“Yeah, history. My first class of the day.” I tried not to be too overly curt with my response, but I wasn’t very good at talking about myself.

“That’s what she told me earlier. She loves history, especially because it’s European,” Stella paused to take my hand in hers,” but she loves writing most of all. Someday she’ll get published and be a great author.” The way Stella spoke I could tell she had a great deal of respect for her friend and support for her dreams. It was something I could appreciate, even if I didn’t care for Tawny. A person who spoke of their loved ones so highly was hard to find. And the way I could tell Stella meant her words so much almost made me see Tawny in a different light.

“And what about you?” I asked, “what do you want to do for a living?” I glanced at the girl, who, in return, laid her head in my lap and stared up at me.

“I’m going to be a chef. I’m not very good yet, but I’m getting better and I’ll keep getting better until I am very good, maybe even one of the best. I love cooking. It’s the only time I really feel happy. No one really understands that though. A lot of people don’t take me seriously. But I don’t care about any of that. I’m going to prove all of them wrong. I’m going to be a chef.” As she spoke, her eyes shone like a frozen lake reflecting the gray morning sky.

“I know you’ll do it,” I said, sure I was interrupting daydreams of her future. Her eyes focused again and she rolled them up to look at me.

“Ya think so?” She asked and for just a moment beneath her drive and conviction, I saw the saddest flicker of fear and doubt. For the briefest of nanoseconds, her wall of confidence fell and behind it, she was just a small scared child. I could see insecurities that were seeded deeper than just worrying about her future and wondered how they originally got there.

“Absolutely,” I answered without hesitation, “people who don’t accomplish things in life don’t speak about what they want to do as what they will do. Sure, accomplishing your goals takes more work than just a dream, but I can tell that becoming a chef is more than just your dream. There isn’t a single doubt in my mind that you’ll do it.” I shrugged and watched as her grin returned. I didn’t know why she wanted to hear it from me; she and I both knew that if she was focused on it, it would happen. That’s how people like Stella were. I gave her hand a small squeeze and her eyes narrowed in fierce and sudden curiosity.

“What about you? What do you want to do?” Her gaze was intense and I looked away, blushing under the pressure of her stare.

“I’m not sure yet,” I admitted honestly. I had applied to a small handful of colleges just because, but growing up I had never seen myself as the college going type, not that I felt I wouldn’t get in anywhere, “I guess if I don’t do the whole military thing, then I’ll probably become some sort of architect or engineer or something.” I shrugged again, knowing that if I kept up with my life as it was, I probably wouldn’t live past twenty-five.

“Well what do you love to do?” Stella’s question caught me off guard and as I thought it over, I realized I didn’t have an answer. Had I really become one of those people who didn’t know what they enjoyed doing? A long moment passed after she asked and before either of us spoke again. It was Stella who finally broke the silence.

“It’s okay if you don’t know. I kind of sprung it on you, I’m sorry. I let my curiosity get the better of me,” she said softly, her eyes searching mine, but I still wouldn’t meet her gaze. Stella must’ve read the confusion that played its way across my face because she tried to press closer to me, but I suddenly wanted to be alone. Despite the fact that I had been yearning for her all day, I stood and took a few steps away from Stella, nearly closing the distance to the lake. I thought she would follow, but was relieved when she didn’t. I stared out at the lake’s calm surface, and was consumed by thoughts of people who were passionless. My mind mostly focused on my father, who only ever enjoyed alcohol, and I couldn’t even be sure he loved that. Even Seb, who was cold and seemed to care for nothing, loved his art. I sighed, feeling less human than usual and turned back to face Stella, who was sitting on her knees, watching me with nothing but concern and care on her face.

“Don’t look at me like that,” I grumbled and she immediately followed suit, redirecting her stare toward the ground instead. The tension was thick and uncomfortable. I pawed my face and let out a long sigh before speaking again, “I imagine I’ll remain a killer forever. Sometimes it feels like I was built for it, like my only purpose in life is to end others.” I closed my eyes, my face going blank and impassive as I recalled all the times I’d been called a monster and all the times I was told I’d never be anything more. The worst part was I wasn’t sure if it bothered me. When I was young and didn’t understand anything about who I was, it bothered me a great deal, but as I grew older, I embraced my Demon and learned to use it to my advantage. Sometimes it felt like killing was all I knew and I didn’t mind that, but as I opened my eyes again I could see that Stella did mind. And it seemed she minded quite a bit. As I walked back to the tree, she stood and glared at me hard.

“There is so much more to you than a murderer, Shadow. You are a fantastic person and you could do anything you want with your life. You don’t just have to be a mercenary.” Neither of us looked away while she spoke, gripping my forearms tightly, and at the end of her speech, I found myself unable to contain my laughter.

“And what the fuck do you really know about me anyway? You know nothing of the kind of person I am.” I rolled my eyes at her and moved to pull away and brush the moment off, but she didn’t let go of my arms. I growled and jerked slightly, but Stella was a lot stronger than she looked. I couldn’t move without seriously injuring her.

“I know that if you were all bad like you claim to be, you wouldn’t have tried to comfort me last night when I was upset. You wouldn’t have shown me this magical place. You wouldn’t have carried me to the bus or given me your jacket because I was cold. You wouldn’t have had my best friend deliver a heart-shaped note so you could see me again. And you especially wouldn’t have told me you loved me last night,” she snarled, but looked like she was trying very hard not to cry. When I didn’t respond, her grip loosened slightly and I took the opportunity to pull my arms free forcefully. I was so enraged by her words that I didn’t think, and I struck her once. I’ll never forget the sound my hand made as it made hard contact with her face. I watched her eyes go wide and I took a step back, horrified with myself.

“I’m so sorry,” I said immediately. I had fought girls before, but Stella was different. I felt awful. “I didn’t mean to, I swear I didn’t. I’m so sorry.” I felt like the biggest jackass on the face of the planet. Sinking to the ground, I was surprised when Stella joined me and sat by my side. She still hadn’t said a word. When I dared to risk a look in her direction, she was staring at me, eyes calculating and questioning. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t do it.

“I understand,” she said after a moment, her voice quiet, but revealing no emotion. I shook my head and averted my gaze again, no longer able to stand such a stare.

“No! I was just saying I didn’t want any harm to come to you and here I am, bringing it to you,” I whispered and sighed, not knowing what to do with how suddenly sick I felt. I felt horrible for hitting Stella, but at the same time some part of me didn’t and I knew without a doubt that was even worse.

“Stella, I am no good for you. And someone like you should never have to understand an action like that. You shouldn’t have to even be near a monster like me.” She reached toward me as I finished speaking, but I couldn’t let her touch me. My stomach roiled with how stupid I felt. I realized that I was more like my father than I had ever imagined.

“Shadow, I’m not just going to walk away from you because of something like that. Yes, you’re a violent person and it’s clear to me that much of your life has been based around violence and trying to survive, but that doesn’t by any means make you a monster.” She grasped my hand, unafraid and unwilling to let go. I sighed, giving in to myself and buried my face in her shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” I said again even though I knew she had already forgiven me. She said nothing, but I could feel her nod in response. I stared out at the forest around us and noted that some of the trees were beginning to glow golden. I tried not to think about the impending fall, but I knew that soon enough, my soul would start to ache and the nightmares would start again, just as it happened every year. I pushed a long breath out from between my lips and looked at Stella, who was staring at the lake, but whose mind seemed to be in another place completely. I tried to see what she was looking at, but was to no avail. I didn’t want to disturb her trance, but I ached to know what she was thinking. Just as I was about to say something, she gasped as if someone had been holding her head underwater, but she had found a way to emerge. I watched her eyes widen and her pupils dilate and refocus as she fell back into the grass, breathing sharply and hungrily as if her body was starved for oxygen.

“Stella!” I cried, leaning over her immediately. “Stella are you okay?” She clawed at the ground, her eyes flickering between here and elsewhere. I panicked, but couldn’t think of what to do so I simply watched in horror, hoping it would end. After a moment, her convulsing stopped, her eyes focused again and her breathing slowly returned to normal.

“S-sorry. I-I’m ok-kay. Promise.” But she was still panting and her broken speech did little to ease my worry.

“What happened?” I cooed, lightly stroking her hair. She sighed and shook her head.

“I’m fine, really. It was just a vision is all. They don’t always have that effect, it just depends on the severity or how vivid they are,” she said with a shiver that I didn’t know for sure to be from the cold, but I wrapped my arms around her regardless. I felt her stiffen before relaxing into my grip. Another side effect of the visions, I imagined.

“Stella?” I asked, feeling vaguely ashamed for even wanting to know, but too overridden by curiosity to not inquire. “What did you see?” I felt an incredible surge of guilt and regret as soon as the words had left my mouth. Why would I ask such a thing? Visions were beyond common amongst Demons, but not all of them worked in the same way. Some people just got visions of significant past or future events, some only saw flashed, while other saw vivid, drawn out scenes. And of course, there were some who saw a mix of good events and bad events, and those who only saw one or the other.

Growing up, I knew a boy who was always living ten minutes into the future. His visions were just about ever-present. He couldn't focus and was near impossible to interact with. His parents ended up sending him away to be institutionalize and five months after that, he killed himself. I’ve met people who get visions only in their sleep or only upon coming in contact with certain stimulus. Most of the Demon’s I’ve met have no problem separating the present from vision-time, but some people, especially those with weaker lineage, cannot and end up losing to the visions. Because some people have such difficulty regarding what they, it tends to be a pretty sensitive subject in Demon culture. We don’t talk about them often and asking someone what they saw is considered extremely rude. I looked at Stella again, her forehead still clammy and her eyes closed, and I could feel a new wave of self-loathing approaching.

And just as the wave was about to peak, she looked at me, smiled, and said words I never thought I’d hear.