How the Heart Beats

At first she didn’t respond and I sat there, nervously trying to gain the ability to read her mind. I could almost see the gears working as she processed my words.

“I thought you didn’t want emotions. You know saying that is kinda hypocritical, right?” She said finally, breathing out a small chuckle and breaking the tension I was feeling. I blinked and felt a wave of calm wash over me, causing me to chuckle as well. I grinned at her and shook my head. Her answer had been more logical than I could’ve ever expected.

“You’re right. I don’t. Honestly, I don’t even really believe in love that much. But something’s been telling me all night to say it. And my stomach’s been doing flips, like I would’ve thrown up if I didn’t. So I just… did.” I shrugged and smiled, relieved when she smiled back. Her face made more sense when she was smiling for some reason. She nodded, like she was accepting my reasoning without question. It must’ve made sense to her, which was nice because nothing about the whole situation made one single bit of sense to me.

“Okay.” Her smile grew and I laughed. She was such an incredible dork. I couldn’t help but ruffle her hair as she laid her head against my collar bone. We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes before she turned toward me and tilted her head to the side in thought.

“I love you too, by the way.” Her words stopped my heart and I smiled, kissing the top of her head. My excitement was washed away by dread as I thought her words over, remembering that she’d just been dumped earlier that day. I smiled still though, realizing that it meant she wanted to love me.

“I don’t think you do. You might have feelings for me, but chances are you don’t love me yet. And that’s okay. I don’t even know if I love you, really. We’ll just have to wait it out and see.” I smiled and buried my face in her hair, hugging her gently. She stiffened slightly, but then relaxed again as she realized that I was right. My stomach settled, but my heart felt like it could beat a bullet train if they were to race. I looked at Stella, who was curled up close to me, and didn’t understand how she seemed so comfortable and at ease when I was awkward and frightened by it all. I didn’t know exactly how to handle her, so I mostly just tried to take her cues and deal with it as best I could. It was hard to adjust to; I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been that close to someone physically of my own free will. I didn’t even have to try and remember when I had been that close to someone emotionally; it had never happened before.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as her unusual scent filled my nostrils. That smell had come to make me smile. I didn’t understand it, but there wasn’t really much about her that I did understand and I was beginning to accept that. What made her want to love me? I wasn’t even that nice to her most of the time. I didn’t get it at all, but she yawned and it broke my thoughts.

“Hey.” I nudged her gently. “It’s getting late. Do you need to get home and to bed or something? I’m not exactly sure how this works.” I shrugged, admitting to the truth. I didn’t sleep much at all, but that didn’t mean she was the same way. Even Demons were different from one another when it came to sleep patterns.

“Mm. No. I’m okay.” She arched back, stretching her whole body as another yawn rolled through her. I chuckled at her and rolled my eyes, scooping her up in my arms. She squealed and flailed, trying to squirm away, but I was stronger and, though she put up a good fight, I held her tight and eventually she gave up.

“What. Are. You. Doing?” She asked, growling and scrunching her face at me. I couldn’t help but laugh as I grabbed my mask and slipped it back over my face. Her struggle was terribly amusing for me. She hadn’t lied when she’d said she was strong, but I was much stronger. She wasn’t going anywhere that I didn’t want her to; we both knew that and it was obvious she wasn’t thrilled with her sudden lack of freedom.

“I’m taking you back home. You need to rest and I’m sure your mother is missing you, no matter how much you don’t believe it,” I whispered, stroking her hair and smiling at her. I knew that my expression was hidden to her because I had re-masked, but I liked to think that she knew I was smiling even still. She rolled her eyes at me, a sight I was becoming all too used to, but protested no more.

“Fine.” She grinned, sliding her arms around my neck. It was clear she had no intention of getting down until she had to. I shook my head at her and shrugged, figuring there was no point in arguing with her; I knew no other compromise would be met. So instead of wasting my energy in an argument with her, I carried Stella through the door, which I proceeded to shut and lock behind us. Carrying Stella wasn’t a difficult task, since I very frequently carried soldiers, wounded and dead alike. She wasn’t as light as a feather, but she wasn’t really a burden, and especially wasn’t something I couldn’t handle.

We walked through the damp woods in mostly silence and when I looked back down at her, she was asleep. I scoffed and stroked her cheek with my thumb, unable to keep from shaking my head at the girl.

“You are easily the most stubborn girl I’ve ever met, Stella,” I whispered, rolling my eyes in disbelief. I had certainly never met anyone like her before and could easily say she was the most unique and strange individual I had ever met. I looked up again, away from her face, and kept walking; the road was close and it was just a little further from there to the bus stop.

“You’re not so easy to persuade yourself, ya know,” she yawned, her fingers reaching out and dancing across a scar on my neck. It was the same one she’d been touching earlier that night when Seb called. I bit my bottom lip and shivered involuntarily. I wasn’t sure if it was a good reaction or not. I had never had anyone that close to me before, so instead of saying anything, I clenched my jaw around the shiver and kept walking forward, mentally trying to convince myself that it was simply because her hands were freezing.

A few minutes later, she was asleep again. I didn’t say anything else as I carted her to the bus stop. The bus wasn’t there, so I set her on the ground and sat beside her. She pulled me close and for the first time took note of the bandages enveloping my arm.

“Are you okay? How long have you been injured? Why didn’t you tell me? Is there anything I can do to help?” She probed, her eyebrows furrowing in concern, then disapproval, then concern again. I rolled my eyes and put a finger to her mouth to shut her up.

“I’m fine. It’s barely a knick. Some asshole got me with a dagger during the battle earlier, but he’s dead now. I didn’t tell you because well, I just didn’t. You don’t need to know everything. Plus, it’s minimal. It could be far worse. I’ve legitimately gotten worse cuts from training. It happens sometimes. No, there’s nothing you can do to help. It’s probably mostly healed by now anyway. Stop freaking out.” I said, pulling away the blood-soaked bandage to show her a cut that looked to be about a week old. “See? I’m fine. How the hell did you wake up so damn quickly? You were totally out cold.” I narrowed my eyes at her in speculation.

“I dunno.” She shrugged. “I guess seeing this freaked me out enough to grab my attention and wake me up.” She shrugged again, apparently indifferent once she knew I was okay, and went back to using me as a pillow. As she was getting comfortable, the bus pulled up to the stop and I scooped her back into my arms. A grin spread across her face as she nestled close to me, apparently quite satisfied and cozy.

“Don’t get too used to this,” I whispered before stepping onto the bus. The bus driver, Norm, looked concerned upon seeing me carrying a seemingly unconscious girl, but he also appeared too afraid to do anything about it. Without a word, I paid and made my way back to my regular seat, Stella in hand.

Norm was a good, hardworking man at the age of forty. He was honest and barely scraped to support his five daughters. He would die in three years. I sighed and leaned against the window, trying not to think about Norm and his fate. That kind of thing happened every day and there was nothing that could be done, so there was no reason to bother myself worrying about it. And there was no reason to bother Norm with the thoughts of it by telling him, especially since we didn’t really know one another.

“It’s a shame about Norm, huh?” Stella whispered, shattering my focus.

“What?” I whispered back, my eyes having gone wide with nerves. How did she know that? I knew she wasn’t human, but I had never met someone who saw the same things I did. The thought of someone else with the same capabilities as me made me extremely uneasy, no matter how much I did like her.

“I heard it in your mind. Sorry. I wasn’t trying to hear you. It’s just sometimes when I’m tired. I lose focus and I wander on accident. Usually my control is better and I don’t simply barge into other people’s minds.” She nuzzled into me, her nose pressing against my collar bone as she inhaled deeply.

“Oh, okay,” I said quietly, a little nervous at the information and still a tad shaken from my momentary confusion. Mind readers were dangerous people. I could put up a mental block, but if she was good enough, there was a chance she could get past it. I patted her head and smiled, figuring if she had trouble controlling it she probably wouldn’t be able to get past my block.

“I guess it’s a shame. I mean, it happens. It’s just life. Nothing we can do about it.” I shrugged indifferently, not letting my mind wander to the many lives I’d ended. The bus jerked forward as it ran over a pot hole and we lurched out of our seat slightly, crashing into the one in front of us.

“Ow!” Stella grumbled, rubbing her head. The seats were cushioned rather heavily, so I figured it was a compulsory reaction to the shock of impact. I chuckled at her and rubbed her forehead for comfort. Her grin was large and bright as she leaned into me, clearly not afraid to display her affection. I gently hit the back of her head and smiled.

“I thought you were tired,” I teased, rubbing her shoulders lightly. How had I let myself get in so deep? I knew then that I would never be the same again, but I couldn’t tell if I was okay with that. It was a lot to take in and I still hadn’t decided if she was bettering me or ruining me.

She grinned again and hid her face in my chest. “I have to keep an eye out for my stop,” came her muffled response. We rode quietly, not needing to speak to be happy. I thought about how she’d refused to kill me and knew it wouldn’t be the last time I’d ask. With a sigh, I let my mind wander to a subordinate of mine a few weeks ago. He’d fallen for a girl in the army. He was an idiot anyway, but when she was surrounded, he tried to save her. All I could remember was him falling to the ground, bloody tears rolling down his face and a sword sticking through his middle. The image made me shudder, knowing full well that loving Stella could easily lead to the same thing, except that I was smarter, faster, and a better fighter than my former subordinate.

When she shivered, I pulled myself from my thoughts and wrapped my arms tighter around her, careful not to cause her any harm. I was normally pretty warm to the touch, so I thought holding her close might help. I rested my masked face in her hair, breathing in her scent.

“Do you want my jacket?” I mumbled into her hair, enticed by her unique and beautiful scent. It drove me crazy, in the best of ways. I closed my eyes and growled softly, burying my face further in her hair. Her aroma clung to my nostrils and inspired a deep hunger within me. I couldn’t remember the last time I had a drink, but knew the bloodlust in me was strong at that very moment.

“Yes please.” She yawned and I pulled away, taking a breath of the stale bus air to steady myself as I stripped my jacket away and slid it onto her. She grinned her undeniable Stella grin at me and leaned back into my embrace.

“Mmm. Shadow, you smell so good,” She murmured, nuzzling against me. I smiled beneath my mask and breathed a sigh of relief. I was glad that I wasn’t alone. Of course, I couldn’t be sure that my scent was having the same effect on her as hers was on me, but it put me at ease to know that mine was at least appealing to her.

“I try,” I said, directing my gaze out the window.

“Really?” She asked, thoughtlessly rubbing my arm.

“No, not really. I’m actually in need of a shower. It just occurred to me that I didn’t grab one after the battle earlier. But no, I don’t try. I don’t understand things like cologne and perfume," I said with a shrug, wondering if I should. “I mean, I shower, and I use body wash and deodorant, but I don’t go out of my way to smell good. I’ve been told that I smell nice before, though. I think that’s natural. I wouldn’t know since I can’t smell myself and all, so I normally just take people’s word on the subject.”

“Well, I think you smell fantastic,” she paused and inhaled deeply, “like fresh cut grass and rainwater and an untamed, musky forest and… and like… power. Maybe that doesn’t make sense, but I can’t think of another way to describe it.” Now it was her turn to shrug, as if she couldn’t verbalize what was going on in her head, but she didn’t care. Apparently that was a normal enough sensation for her. I couldn’t help but chuckle, enjoying how strange and carefree she was.

“Thanks, I guess.” I smiled and shook my head, not sure how to respond. Instead of saying anything, she simply smiled at me.

“You never did tell me what I smell like,” she said after a while, breaking the silence and once more pulling me from my thoughts.

“Sunshine. Cold air, crisp and startling like a mid-winter breeze. Sugar cookies, fresh and homemade, not the break and bakes. And sweet, blooming willow trees,” I said without any thought or hesitation; it wasn’t something I needed to think about. I had identified the specific parts to her scent some time before that and, much to my downfall, had obsessed over them in confusion and outrage after I figured them out.

She giggled and nodded. “Well alright. That sounds good.” She smiled and pulled my jacket closer around her, burrowing into my side.

I stroked her hair and smiled as we rode in a peaceful silence. I thought she’d fallen asleep again when she started to squirm and I realized she was attempting to gather her things.
“What’s up?” I asked, handing her bag to her.

“Nothing. My stop is just next.” She smiled, repositioning herself so her head was on my shoulder and she was sitting all the way up again.

“Do you want me to walk you home? I mean, it’s kinda dark and stuff,” I trailed off awkwardly, not sure how to handle things with our emotions involved. I was glad she couldn’t see my face through my mask, knowing it was an uncomfortable twist of my features.

“Uhh. I should be fine, but you can if you want.” Stella’s chuckle was nervous and a tad tense. It was nice to see that I wasn’t the only one unsure of what to do.

“I think I will, if that’s okay with you. I don’t like the thought of you walking alone, not that I think you can’t protect yourself. I’d just prefer to be there. Is that alright?” I asked quietly, hoping desperately that she wouldn’t hate me for it as another part of me hoped that maybe she would.

“Of course it is.” I was relieved to see a large grin spread across her warm, welcoming face. And with that, the bus lurched to a stop. We stood and I gathered both of our things. Before she could protest, I gently pushed her forward. As we made our way off the bus, I nodded to Norm, who was still looking skeptically at Stella and I, but seemed relaxed to know she was at least not dead.

We walked the short distance back to her house in a peaceful silence. I let her hold my hand, even though it was something I’d never experienced before. She was kind enough to show me what she was doing because I initially jumped back and almost hit her, before reminding myself where I was. Her hand was much smaller than mine and felt as if it was frozen all the way through. It was an odd feeling, but something in my gut said it was okay. I was surprised at how well our hands fit together and found myself wondering if everyone’s fit together that way. Lost in my head, I just barely felt it when she squeezed my hand and stopped walking. I was aware enough to stop alongside her and when I came to, I looked up at the tall, thin building; or buildings, rather. Looking around, I knew where we were immediately. The gaunt, old townhomes didn’t reside in the best side of town. In fact, the area was known for stabbings, shootings, rapes and drug deals.

“This is me,” She said quietly, the somber undertones of her voice made me feel sick. I pulled her close to me, dissatisfied with the sound of her voice. I lifted my mask and kissed the top of her head, inhaling her scent once more. While my mask was still half off, she pulled my face down to hers and kissed me slowly. Her lips were soft and sweet. She tasted like candy, only better. Kissing her had the same dizzying effects as smelling her and before long I had to force myself to pull away. Without a word, I fixed my mask, turned her around to face her front door, and gently pushed her forward. I waited for her to get inside the house and when she was standing in the door using one hand to wave back at me and the other to rub her eye, sleepy as ever, I finally turned and started walking away. Light disappeared as her door closed and I let out a deep sigh.

“Goodnight, Stella,” I whispered, my eyes closed as I pushed away all the hate I was feeling for myself and walked back to the compound.