Eternal Rest
Eternal Rest
...Where do I start?
Please help me, Jimmy, you were always able to help me when I didn’t know what to do. Why can’t you be here to help me now?
I miss you, Jimmy. Every second of every minute of every day, I miss you even more than the last.
When I first heard you were gone, I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t do anything but drink and cut and cry. After that initial stage was over, I slept a lot, because you were still with me, in my dreams. And everything was happy. Until I woke up. So I sleep a lot, even though lately I’m getting nightmares. You’re always there in my dreams, until you’re taken away from me again, and I wake up crying, hugging my pillow as if it’s you there next to me.
The guys tried to help me, they really did. Matt spent countless hours here with me, comforting me through this all. Zack tried to distract me from it all. Brian poured all of my alcohol down the drain and chucked away my razors; it’s a bit harsh but he was trying to help, I suppose. But none of it really worked. Matt came less and less, and Zack became distracted, too. Brian eventually gave up and started drinking with me, crying with me.
I tried finding someone else, but after the third girlfriend and second boyfriend, I realised that nobody could replace you, Jimmy. Every night I spent with them felt wasted to me, and a lot of “relationships” ended the next morning, when they woke up and found me still crying over you. There was no love with any of them, no feelings, no passion; just lust and the need to move on.
But I can’t move on. Everything is just far too hard. Nothing feels right without you by my side. I can’t even go to a coffee shop without hearing someone mention your favourite order; latte with a blueberry muffin. And when I hear that order, I have to leave, ditching my lukewarm coffee that I’ve been nursing for the previous hour.
I can’t go grocery shopping because every time I see the ice cream tubs, I remember the countless nights we spent cuddled up on the couch, eating ice cream. I tried avoiding the freezer section for a while, but sometimes I go past it, just to remember, even though it hurts me.
I like to remember. Sometimes, I sit and remember for hours, and I always end up in a little ball on our couch, crying endless tears.
I remember that time, when we'd known each other for about two months, and I phoned you up in tears at 3am because my girlfriend of the time had broken up with me. You ran to my house in the rain and when you got here you just let me sit there and cry to you. You didn't ask what was wrong, you didn't try to cheer me up, or distract me, you just let me cry, all the while holding me in your strong arms, running your fingers through my hair. And when I recovered, the first thing you said to me was, "now make me some food, I'm starved." You remember that, Jimmy?
Remembering is hard, but I like to, because it brings you back to me for a little while.
I visit your grave as much as possible, too. I'm sorry for the two months that I didn't, and for those two months, I didn't leave the house; I couldn't leave the house, everything beyond it was pointless. But almost every day now I visit your grave. I take new flowers, even though if you were still here you'd have slapped me for being "too soppy" by now. You never let me get you flowers, because you didn't ever want to seem like the "girl" of the relationship. Well it's tough now. You're getting flowers whether you like it or not. Every time I visit, I sit with you for hours, and pretend like we're just sitting together in the middle of a field, talking about nothing, like we used to. I tell you about my day, and I ask you about yours, even though I know that you can't reply to me. I tell you about the band, and how we're all doing. We're all getting better, you'll be glad to know. I know you never liked it when I was upset. You never liked it when anyone was upset, so now we're getting better, and we're doing it for you.
It's hard without you here Jimmy, but we're managing, for you, because you would be angry if you thought I couldn't do it. You were always bringing out the best in me, and you always encouraged me to be the best I could. So I'm doing this for you.
I have to go now, Jimmy. You know I hate to leave you, but I have to leave and try and carry on with the rest of my day as if I'm not dying inside.
I'll be back tomorrow though. Just remember that I love you, and I always will.
I'll see you one day in the afterlife, I promise. Please wait for me.
Goodbye, Jimmy, my only love.
Sleep tight.
Please help me, Jimmy, you were always able to help me when I didn’t know what to do. Why can’t you be here to help me now?
I miss you, Jimmy. Every second of every minute of every day, I miss you even more than the last.
When I first heard you were gone, I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t do anything but drink and cut and cry. After that initial stage was over, I slept a lot, because you were still with me, in my dreams. And everything was happy. Until I woke up. So I sleep a lot, even though lately I’m getting nightmares. You’re always there in my dreams, until you’re taken away from me again, and I wake up crying, hugging my pillow as if it’s you there next to me.
The guys tried to help me, they really did. Matt spent countless hours here with me, comforting me through this all. Zack tried to distract me from it all. Brian poured all of my alcohol down the drain and chucked away my razors; it’s a bit harsh but he was trying to help, I suppose. But none of it really worked. Matt came less and less, and Zack became distracted, too. Brian eventually gave up and started drinking with me, crying with me.
I tried finding someone else, but after the third girlfriend and second boyfriend, I realised that nobody could replace you, Jimmy. Every night I spent with them felt wasted to me, and a lot of “relationships” ended the next morning, when they woke up and found me still crying over you. There was no love with any of them, no feelings, no passion; just lust and the need to move on.
But I can’t move on. Everything is just far too hard. Nothing feels right without you by my side. I can’t even go to a coffee shop without hearing someone mention your favourite order; latte with a blueberry muffin. And when I hear that order, I have to leave, ditching my lukewarm coffee that I’ve been nursing for the previous hour.
I can’t go grocery shopping because every time I see the ice cream tubs, I remember the countless nights we spent cuddled up on the couch, eating ice cream. I tried avoiding the freezer section for a while, but sometimes I go past it, just to remember, even though it hurts me.
I like to remember. Sometimes, I sit and remember for hours, and I always end up in a little ball on our couch, crying endless tears.
I remember that time, when we'd known each other for about two months, and I phoned you up in tears at 3am because my girlfriend of the time had broken up with me. You ran to my house in the rain and when you got here you just let me sit there and cry to you. You didn't ask what was wrong, you didn't try to cheer me up, or distract me, you just let me cry, all the while holding me in your strong arms, running your fingers through my hair. And when I recovered, the first thing you said to me was, "now make me some food, I'm starved." You remember that, Jimmy?
Remembering is hard, but I like to, because it brings you back to me for a little while.
I visit your grave as much as possible, too. I'm sorry for the two months that I didn't, and for those two months, I didn't leave the house; I couldn't leave the house, everything beyond it was pointless. But almost every day now I visit your grave. I take new flowers, even though if you were still here you'd have slapped me for being "too soppy" by now. You never let me get you flowers, because you didn't ever want to seem like the "girl" of the relationship. Well it's tough now. You're getting flowers whether you like it or not. Every time I visit, I sit with you for hours, and pretend like we're just sitting together in the middle of a field, talking about nothing, like we used to. I tell you about my day, and I ask you about yours, even though I know that you can't reply to me. I tell you about the band, and how we're all doing. We're all getting better, you'll be glad to know. I know you never liked it when I was upset. You never liked it when anyone was upset, so now we're getting better, and we're doing it for you.
It's hard without you here Jimmy, but we're managing, for you, because you would be angry if you thought I couldn't do it. You were always bringing out the best in me, and you always encouraged me to be the best I could. So I'm doing this for you.
I have to go now, Jimmy. You know I hate to leave you, but I have to leave and try and carry on with the rest of my day as if I'm not dying inside.
I'll be back tomorrow though. Just remember that I love you, and I always will.
I'll see you one day in the afterlife, I promise. Please wait for me.
Goodbye, Jimmy, my only love.
Sleep tight.