Nightmare Before Valentine's Day

It had been a week since Shaun raped me. The cut on my forearm ((okay, I know it was originally I put it on her wrist, but please, go with me here.)) was still pretty nasty. I had scratched my forearms up pretty bad since then, and Gerard still didnt know why. I think he did have a clue, but wasnt sure enough to prove it.

Around the guys, I dont think I fooled them that I was all that happy. A lot of times I would find myself into extremely deep thought. Whoever was sitting next to me would have to shake me out. I spent one week skipping meals, being a complete house hermit, and writing in a notebook.

More fast forwarding...more like a summary. Another week went by, and I had started drinking. I mean, I drank on occasion, but just over the past week, I had been seriously wasting all the money I had saved on alcohol. Mainly Gerard, Frankie and I had been drinking, but the others would drink sometimes, too. Me and Gerard definitely drank a shitload of fucken beer. I pounded the beer like it was the last thing on earth and I had been in the desert dying of thirst and hunger.

Within 2 weeks, I had done a shitload of pot and cocaine. Only, that was behind all the guys backs. I mustve seemed like I was doing better or something when I said I was going out of the house. What I was doing was actually buying drugs. I had done some crack, but i hated it

It took a month for me to fall down probably as low as I could go. I was at rock bottom. It was a week of being in the shit, and I told Gerard everything. At that point, he was my therapist. I was wasted, and flying higher than fireworks on the 4th of July when me and him were watching TV and I just opened up. I told him everything

~~~*Flashback*~~~
*Gerard...* I said slowly. I looked over at him.
*Yea?* he looked at me with concern.
*I...i...* I sighed. Great, I needed to tell him some really important stuff and I couldnt find the guts to spit it out. *I...am admitting that...I...have a problem.* I said.
He nodded. He came over and sat next to me on the loveseat I was sitting on. He put his arm around my shoulder.
*you know when Shaun said he wanted to talk things over?*
*Yea.*
*Well...I was just walking along, and he came out of nowhere...and* tears filled in my eyes. I was drunk and high but I did have a bit of a clear view on what I was doing. *he raped me.* I said as I bit my lip. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Gerard looked like he was really listening to every word I said. *And...thats where most of my drug and alcohol problems have come from.* I nodded and wiped away some of my tears. He put his hand in mine. He held onto it tightly, as if reassuring that he was there for me. *Im such a fucking stupid piece of shit* I said. I rolled up the sleeve of my jacket and showed him how much worse my cuts had gotten. Each of them were sort of deep, barely a half a centimeter between each one. The cuts stopped near my wrist. At least I had enough sense to be fucken as smart as to not accidentally slice open my wrist.
*Hey.* He said. He took his hand out of mine and put it on my cheek. He turned my head and started at my face for a few moments. *I dont think youre a stupid piece of shit. I think youre beautiful.* I looked down and more tears rolled down my cheek.
*But* I nodded. *Ive...Ive moved on to serious drugs. Ive tried crack, meth, cocaine, acid...but Ive just mostly been doing weed* I shook my head in disappointment at myself.
Gerard...I guess he was surprised. I dont think he thought I did that many drugs. I think he thought It might've just been the pot I was smoking.

The next night, I totally fought I had a problem. Everyone had gone home for the night and Gerard was trying to help me out. But I totally fought it

~~~*Flashback*~~~
*So...have you taken any more drugs?* Gerard asked.
*WHAT?* I said in shock.
*How stoned are you?*
*Man im fucken, just* I waved my arm in the arm like it was a crazy roller coaster or something, *but I dont have a fucken problem man! Im carefree!*

It was like that for the next 6 days. Me having a problem, me fighting the problem.
And I just snapped on the 7th day.
No one had seen me that whole entire day. I locked myself in my room and laid on my bed all day. I came out once for lunch, but ate it in my room. Finally at night, I pulled out a case of Wine Coolers and pounded them. All 6. in probably less than an hour. It was getting dark out. I slipped out of my room. I saw that everyone was still there, but they didnt hear me. I went as quiet as a mouse into the bathroom, which was right across the hall from my room. I got out a pair of scissors, broke a cheap razor, and held the blade right up to my wrist

I tried gathering up my courage
Ive almost got it...almost
tears started building up in my eyes
Im leaving behind everything...my life, James, Dad, my memories, the guys...most definitely Gerard...could I hurt Gerard this much? I know he cares about me I took the blade away for a little bit. 'Im not gonna hurt him'. Then I put the blade back on my wrist. I was sobbing. Really hard at that point.
I pressed a little bit harder.

....

Luckily, Gerard pounded on the door. *Ferya??* he asked. He must've heard me crying. He used one of his fingernails to unlock the door and burst in.
*Ferya* he stopped himself. He saw me with the razorblade against my skin. He basically ran next to me and kneeled down. He took the blade out of my hands and set it on the counter. *Ferya* he said, a lot more calmly now.

I guess pressure just built up. So much to where I thought I had to end my life to be better off. My head fell right into his shoulder. My arms slung around his neck and I started sobbing more uncontrollably then I ever had in my entire life. His arms went around me too. I sat there crying for probably a half an hour. More than any person should have to cry. After that half an hour had passed, I lifted my head a bit. My eyes were as red as blood and very bloodshot. Gerards shoulder was so wet you wouldve thought someone spilt their drink on it.
*You okay?* he asked with concern in his voice. I nodded. He took the razor off the cupboard and placed it in the trash. He got up and held out his hand. I took it and he helped me up. But then I suddenly didnt feel all that good.
*I think Im gonna be sick...* I said. I lifted the toilet seat top and kneeled down. Gerard rubbed my back as I threw up. I puked a lot, I must have flushed the toilet 5 times. Every time I thought I was done, I just ended up vomiting more. When I was finally done, Gerard helped me up again and helped me to our bedroom. He sat me down on the bed.
*Sit right there, im gonna get you a glass of water.* I nodded, and he was gone and back in a flash. I basically guzzled it down like it did with the beer. He went and filled the glass up and brought it back. He took care of me within that half an hour I really needed him.

*Thank you Gerard...for caring about me. One of the few people that have ever done that.* I said to him when he walked in after getting me a piece of bread to eat.
*You're welcome.* He said. He sat down next to me and rubbed my back. I finished the piece of bread and yawned.
*Im getting sleepy* I said.
Yawns are contagious. Gerard yawned almost right after I did. *so am i.* he said. He got up and went around to his side of the bed. I laid down and got under the covers. Gerard did the same and we faced each other.
*Call me crazy, Gerard Arthur Way, but I think Im in love with you.* I said to him.
*I think...I feel the same exact way* he said, smiling and nodding at the same time. I smiled back at him. I leaned in, and his lips collided with mine. Our first actual, actual, real kiss. Since I had only ever kissed him on the cheek. The kiss broke and we still stared at each other.
*Goodnight, Gee.* I said.
*night night starshine.* He said. He kissed me on the forehead and I smiled. I closed my eyes and before I knew it, I was drifting into a deep sleep