I Won't Give Up

“Where do you two think you’re going?” our mom questioned as five-year-old me and three-year-old Jared tried to sneak out the back door of our home in Thunder Bay. She didn’t even turn away from washing dishes an the kitchen sink to look at us, and we were being super quiet ninjas so I had no idea how she heard us. How did she always know?

“We’re gonna go to the lake,” I answered as my brother and I inched closer to the door, trying to make a run for it.

“To watch your brothers play hockey?” she asked still not bothering to even glance in our direction. If she would just turn around, she would easily see that watching Eric, Marc, and Jordan play was not our intention. We were covered in knee pads and elbow pads with helmets on our heads and skates in our hands to put on when we got out there. And we had full intentions of me teaching Jared how to skate. I looked down at my little brother and a look of fear passed his face. He knew that our mother wasn't going to let me of all people teach Jared how to skate, and he also knew that I was a horrible liar. Jared nodded his head vigorously at me, willing me to give my mom a simple ‘yes’ so we could just run out the back door.

“Yeah, they got us to be ref and scorekeeper,” I lied in response, trying to sound excited but it came out kind of mumbled and shaky. Honestly, I thought we were toast. It felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders when our mom told us to have fun and make sure our brothers didn’t kill each other. I stood frozen, shocked that I had gotten away with my lie. But before my mom could notice my strange behavior, Jared grabbed hold of my hand and started running out the back door, dragging me behind him.

It was the middle of January and the lake on our farm property had been frozen for almost two months. Eric and Marc would always run right out there to play hockey the second they got home from school. Since Jordan and I were only in preschool, we were usually home and down at the lake by the time Eric and Marc got home.

“JJ!” Jordan called to me when Jared and I finally reached the rink. Trudging through a foot of snow is not the easiest thing for a three-year-old and a five-year-old, so getting to the lake took longer than it should have. “You gonna get in net?”

“Nope. Teaching Jare to skate,” I announced and sat down on the snow covered ground to put my skates on. As soon as slid my feet into the skates, Eric was in front of me to tie them. He never let me do it on my own because he thought I didn’t tie them tight enough and he didn’t want me hurt my ankles.

“Don’t you think you need to learn to skate first,” Marc chirped. I rose to my feet when Eric finished and walked over to where Marc was standing. My arms were crossed over my chest and I looked up at him with an angry expression on my face.

“Why do you have to do that, Marc? She just got out here, she hasn’t done anything to you,” Eric told him while he was lacing up Jared’s skates.

“Her just being out here is doing something that annoys me,” Marc fired back, causing anger to burn up in me until I couldn’t take it anymore. So I did the worst thing my five-year-old mind thought I could do; I shoved him as hard as I possibly could. Mom never stood for any kind of violence so if she saw what I had just done, I would have been grounded for a week.

Despite being two years younger and about a thousand times weaker than Marc, my shove had managed to make him stumble back a little. When he regained his balance, he looked at me with pure hatred in his eyes, marched over to me, and shoved me with a million times more force than I had pushed him. Of course I stumbled backwards. I stumbled much further than he had.

And because the Staal kid’s luck is downright awful and someone always ends up getting hurt, my skate clad foot had found its way in top of Jared’s leg. He screamed out in pain before I even realized what I had done. His wailing and crying sunk into my heart and I felt like the worst big sister in the entire world.

“Shit shit shit shit,” Eric muttered under his breath. I had never heard anyone besides our father use that word; and our mom would always yell at him for it if any of my brothers and I were around to hear. So I knew it was not okay for Eric to be saying, but I kept my mouth shut because I was still in shock. Eric basically flung off his skates and didn’t brother putting his sneakers on before scooping up Jared in his arms and running toward the house. Jared’s cries were echoing in my ears even when he was far enough away for me to barely hear him.

I took off my skates and began running to the house as well, being sure to shove Marc one more time for good measure. When I reached the house, I found Eric trying to calm down a hysterical Jared. The sight of his leg wrapped up in some bandage, blood already beginning to soak through, mixed with the feeling of guilt made me begin to cry as well. I could hear our mom in the other room on the phone with our dad, telling him that she was going to take Jared to the hospital.

“Marcus!” our mother yelled after she hung up the phone and heard Marc and Jordan joined the rest of us kids in the kitchen. A frightened expression crept onto Marc’s face when he realized he was in more trouble than he was used to. “What have I told you about being violent? Is giving your brother, who looks up to you, his first real injury what it takes to knock some sense into you? You might have just scared him out of ever wanting to skate again! Is that what you want?” She continued to yell and we all winced.

“No!” he called out with a tear slipping down his face at our mother’s harsh words. Even at his young, seven years of age, Marc knew that crying in this family showed weakness. But his high emotional state at the time was overpowering his ego. “I didn’t start it. Joey…”

“I don’t care who started it, Marc.”

“But, Mom! Joey…”

“I said that I don’t care who started it; I’m ending it,” our mom stated like the conversation was over. She lifted a still mortified Jared into her arms before turning to Eric to continue speaking. “You’re in charge while I’m gone. Make sure those two stay in their rooms,” she instructed him while gesturing to me and Marc. I knew I was partially responsible for what happened, so I wasn’t going to fight it like Marc had. But he seemed to drop the argument when he learned I was getting punished too.

Eric simply nodded in response to our mom’s directions and began to push me and Marc towards the stairs to go to our rooms. When Jared realized I wasn’t by his side anymore, he called out my name and reached out his arms in my direction. Our mom told him that I had to stay home and he would get to see me when he got back home. This caused him to bawl even more than before; he threw a bit of a tantrum. It was no secret to our family that I was Jared’s favorite sibling, so our mother actually understood when he became overly upset about me not being there when he needed me most.

“Fine. Get some shoes on Joella. Let’s go.”



Text Message to Jarebear
I have two sleepy devil children out here if you want to come help me get them inside.

Text Message from Jarebear
I'm not Eric, Nutjob. How long until you learn the difference between your four brothers?

Text Message to Jarebear
Just come outside, Butt Monkey.

I locked the screen of my iPhone before sliding it into the back pocket of my jeans and turning to Jared's front door. While I patently waited for him to come outside, I leaned against the back of Eric's SUV and laughed to myself about the conversation Jared and I just had. When Jared cautiously opened his door, I ran to him with a big smile on my face. A grin spread across his face as well and he swung the door wide open, holding out his arms to welcome my hug.

“You can't blame me for thinking you texted me by accident. You do it kinda often,” Jared told me with a chuck while we were still hugging.

“I do it to all of you. I texted Marc the other day asking him to bring home laundry detergent after practice. Instead of getting on my case about texting him instead of Jordan, he called him and yelled at him for letting me boss him around.”

“You can be kinda bossy,” Jared commented with a shrug and led me back to the SUV to get sleeping Parker and Levi inside. I playfully punched my younger brother's shoulder and went to the trunk to unpack some of the supplies Tanya sent me there with. “Oh god, Joey. Are you three moving in?” he questioned when he caught sight of everything in the vehicle. "Did daddy get sick and tired of his favorite little men?" he spoke in a baby voice while unbuckling Levi from his car seat.

“Daddy's broken brain can't handle the demon kids right now,” I stated and started to walk to the house. I must have looked like a freak with four or five bags hanging off of me somehow; across my back, over my shoulder, dangling from my arm.

“I heard about the concussion,” Jared commented with a hint of sadness in his voice. I was already halfway into the house so I didn't bother to reply until I dropped everything I was shuttling in my brother's living room and returned outside to help.

“Can we talk about anything else right now? I haven't gotten to hear the full medical report and I'm not sure if I want to,” I commented after I rushed to Jared's aid. He was trying to lift Parker out of his car seat while also holding a sleeping Levi in his arm. It looked like it wasn't going to end well. “He's my big brother and I look up to him. It's just painful to know how hurt he is.”

“I know how you feel,” Jared replied and we both walked toward the house with a little nephew in each of our arms. “So how long do I get to see the best big sister in the world this time?”

*~*~*~*~*

When I woke up in the morning, I could hear Parker’s happy, giggling voice echoing through the house. Exiting the guest room, still in my PJs, I followed the sound of Parker’s voice into the kitchen where I found him sitting on the counter next to Jared who was making pancakes for breakfast.

“Morning, Pipsqueak. Do you want chocolate chips or blueberries?” Jared questioned when he heard me enter the room and gestured to the bowls of said ingredients with the spatula in his hand. I threw him a sly grin and he rolled his eyes. “Both is fine too.”

“You should have woken me up, Jare,” I told him as I walked to his side and playfully ruffled his hair when it became in reaching distance. “I could have taken the monsters off your hands while you cooked.” I turned my attention to Parker when I spoke and reached out to tickle his stomach, earning a fit of laughter from the three-year-old.

“I know I’m still a six-year-old to you, but I think I can handle my nephews on my own for a little,” he replied and I simply chuckled. “Plus you needed your sleep; I know you never sleep enough.” That was true. Ever since I was little, I was always a slight insomniac. I didn’t think it was much of a problem then. I always found fun things to do with the time I spent not being able to get to sleep. But now that I was older and had to be more responsible with my time, my insomnia became quite the hassle.

“How is it that you are more responsible than both Jordan and Marc? They always need my help when they look after Parker and Levi.” Jared simply shrugged and let out a small laugh.

“Speaking of Marc, have you talked to him recently?” he asked and turned his entire body to face me, giving me his absolute full attention. In return, I gave my little brother an extremely confused look, mixed with a little anger.

“Voluntarily? Why would I do that?”

“He needs to talk to you but is too stubborn to call you.”

“Then it looks like we’re at a stalemate. You know Marc and I have competing egos.”