I Won't Give Up

"Marc, it's time to go," my father yelled upstairs to my brother. He was the only member of the family not downstairs and ready to step out the door. It was two days before Christmas, so all my brothers were home, and we were on our way to my final performance of Wicked at Thunder Bay's one community theater; I played the role of Glinda.

"Do we all really need to go two hours early?" Marc called from behind his closed bedroom door. He had just got home from New York a couple of hours ago, but he had been sleeping since then so it wasn't like he was tired or anything. "I can meet you guys there later."

My heart kind of sank at my old brother's request. I barely got to see him now, him making it to the NHL and all, and he never wanted to spend time with me while he was home. Not even to be with me while I'm doing what I love. He never did appreciate that I went to every single one of his hockey games when he played here. And went to New York every chance I got away from my senior year of high school.

Wordlessly, Eric marched upstairs and down the hall to Marc's room. Just over a minute later, he returned downstairs with Marc trailing right behind. All seven of us piled into the minivan and were off.

Later, right before the show was about to start, I poked my head out from behind the curtain to look out to the audience. It didn't take long at all to find my family. Both my parents and all four brothers took up almost the entire front row. They were all talking with each other about who knows what. All six of them had huge smiles on their faces, so I stuck to believing they were talking about their excitement for the show and they were all proud of me. Knowing I have my family by my side is what helped me get through all my performances.

The first act went spectacularly. I tried to keep my eyes off my family, not wanting to read their reactions until after the entire show. And so far I was rather successful. But then my favorite part came; my time to sing Defying Gravity.

Halfway through the song, my eyes landed on my parents. My father held my mother's hands in his own while she gripped tightly and a couple of happy tears slid down her smiling face. Next, a bright gleaming smile could be seen on Jared's face. Beside him sat Jordan, his face was more serious, but I could see his fingers conducting out the beats of the song. This was a natural habit of his because he was the one I always went to when I wanted to practice in front of someone at home. Then my eyes trailed to Marc who looked less than impressed. He wasn't even looking toward the stage; he was looking down and twiddling his thumbs because I guess my parents took his cell phone away.

My eyes began to tear up. It broke my heart that Marc wanted to be anywhere but here. As awful as it sounds, all the support I got from the rest of my family didn't mean much. Don't get me wrong, I'm nothing but incredibly grateful, but it didn't seem to matter because all I wanted was for Marc to be proud of me and he never was.

Eric sat next to Marc and elbowed him gently to get his attention. Then he gestured slightly towards the stage, silently telling him to watch me sing. Marc simply rolled his eyes and returned to staring at his thumbs.

I was surprised I got through the rest of the song without crying. Not to mention, downright mystified that I could hit the high note at the end without my voice cracking from how emotional I had gotten.



Later that day, Jared had a practice to go to so I was left home alone with Parker and Levi. We got all settled into the living room and made it through barely ten minutes of the movie Cars before Parker lost his ability to sit still.

I looked at the clock to find that Jared's practice was about to start. After pondering the idea for a couple of seconds, I decided taking the boys to watch Jared would be a good idea. Parker obviously wanted to get out of the house and hopefully this outing would wear out the little rink rats enough that they would take a nap when we got back.

Parker was quite cooperative when I told him we were going to watch Uncle Jared play hockey. Before any time at all, we were all sitting in the bleachers at the Charlotte Checkers practice arena and once again Parker couldn’t sit still. He was running up and down the bleachers and I kept apologizing to people he accidentally ran into or blocked their view of the practice. When Jared caught sight of us, he skated over to where we were and handed Parker a puck and stick over the glass. Unable to contain his excitement, Parker began to make more of a ruckus. I couldn’t help but let out a laugh when the other people on the bleachers found Parker more cute than annoying.

“You’re the only one that ever comes to watch me play anymore,” Jared told me when he found Parker, Levi and I in the parking lot after practice. He had a smile on his face because he was thankful that I was there, but I could hear the sadness in his voice. For years Jared had felt like the neglected and rejected Staal brother. He did not let it show how much it affected him, but I knew and it broke my heart.

“It’s just practice, Jare,” I replied with a smirk and playful nudge from my elbow.

“You’re the only one that comes to my games too.”

“Stop that right now! You know that’s not true. Mom and dad come to a lot of your games.”

“Only when they are already in the state for Eric.” At that point, I was done with the conversation. I loved Jared to pieces, but he could be a little selfish sometimes. Without another word, I stormed over to the driver’s side of the car – Parker and Levi were already in the car seats in the back – and hopped inside. Of course Jared followed me; I knew I wasn’t going to get out of the conversation that easily. “Where are you going?”

“Back to your house. I suggest you do the same, and put on your big boy panties when you get there,” I spat back and slammed the door shut to emphasize my aggravation. He started to speak again but I couldn’t hear him so I rolled down the window.

“You can’t make comments about my panties when yours are in such a twist,” he retorted and I just rolled my eyes. “Why are you so pissed all of a sudden?”

“Let’s put this in retrospect for you, little bro. I’m in plays and musicals every three or four months back home in Pittsburgh that you, Marc, and Eric never seem to care about. Mom and dad care, but they only come to see maybe one a year. They ask me to send them the professional recordings of the show when I can get them so at least they get to see me, but they are never really there. Jordan, my own twin, doesn’t even show up to the shows. About ten minutes before opening current, I will get ‘break a leg!’, ‘I know you’ll do great!’, and ‘I can’t wait to hear about it!’ texts from him and whatever teammates he’s out with that night but those don’t really mean much,” I lectured and Jared’s face began to fall in guilt. “But here we are; youngest Staal feels like he got the short stick in the family support department. When I come down here as often as I can to see you and mom and dad are here for a weekend every other month. God forbid Eric can’t drive over with mom and dad to see you play! You probably don’t forgive him for weeks when that happens.”

“Joey—”

“Let’s face it, Jared, you aren’t the under appreciated Staal. So get off your freaking high horse,” I cut him off while trying to hold my temper and watch my language for the sake of the kids in the back. Before Jared could say anything back, I rolled up the window, revved the engine to life, barely waited for Jared to step back from the vehicle, and pulled out of the parking lot.

*~*~*~*~*

“Have you talked to Marc recently?” I hear my brother Eric’s voice chime through my cell phone that was pressed to my ear. I rolled my eyes at his question. Jared had asked me the same one that very morning. When my nephews and I got back to Jared’s house after his practice, I put them in the room they were staying in so they could nap and then I locked myself up in the room I was sleeping. The last thing I wanted was to deal with Jared, so I called Eric in order to calm my frustration. After he gave me the great news that his concussion symptoms were passing faster than the team doctor thought, he brought up Marc.

“No. Why does everyone keep asking me that?” I questioned in return. Marc and I didn’t get along, it was as simple as that. And my brothers knew that fact, so why would they think that I would talk to him unless it was completely necessary?

“I don’t know, Joey. Jord called me when he couldn’t get a hold of you earlier,” he stated. I had accidentally left my phone at Jared’s house when I took Parker and Levi to practice. When I got back I did have a couple of missed calls from Jordan. “He told me that he talked to Marc and apparently he needs to talk to you about something. I just don’t know what.”

“So what you’re telling me is that my four brothers just gossip about me behind my back all the time,” I concluded with a laugh.

“Yep. It’s our number one favorite pastime. Even above hockey.” I continued to laugh as Eric went on about how we were going to have a TV show written about our lives. Just like the show Gossip Girl, but less downright annoying and unbearable.

I guess Jared took all my laughing as a good sign because within seconds he was knocking on my door for what had to have been the third time since he got home and found me in here.

“Go away, ferret face!” I called out so my younger brother could hear me through the door. When I heard footsteps going away from my door, I went back to talking to Eric. “I can’t wait to be out of hearing distance of your kids so I can curse again.”

“You wanted to call him a fuck face?”

“Stop showing off.”

“Thank you for PG-ing it up for my little men.”

“I’m not doing it for you,” I joked and I could hear Eric let out an exaggerated sigh. “I’m doing it me. I’m their favorite and I would like to keep it that way.” Eric quietly chuckled at that one. The conversation fell into silence, but not the awkward kind. “I think I’m gonna call Jordan so he doesn’t think I’m dead.”

“Alright, call Marc after that please.” I instantly told him no but he completely ignored me and continued with his older brother lecture. “And give Jared a break. He forgets to put things in perspective sometimes. He’s just stressed out and gets down on himself for not being as far as Marc, Jordan, and I were at his age.”

“Okay, Captain Big Brother, I get the picture. I’ll talk to him,” I replied, annoyance definitely being heard in my voice. “Give Tanya my love.”

“I will. Kiss my boys for me.” I nodded in agreement before I realized he couldn’t see me. “I’ll see you soon, shortstack, love you.”

“Love you too, E,” I answered and hung up the phone.

*~*~*~*~*

It’s difficult to have two conversations at once; especially with my attention demanding brothers. After getting off the phone with Eric, I decided to unbarricade myself from my room and go talk to Jared. We ended up sorting everything out and ended with a happy hug. Jared then went to his room to call his girlfriend, Kelly, and I decided to call Jordan while I cooked dinner for him, Parker, Levi, and me.

“I think a certain Flyer misses you,” Jordan told me and I scoffed to myself.

“Max misses me thirty seconds after we get off the phone. It has kind of lost its effect,” I laughed back. Max Talbot was a good friend of mine, basically a big brother…because I totally needed more of those. He was a teammate of Jordan’s for awhile so we got really close, but he got traded to our cross-state rivals, the Philadelphia Flyers, at the beginning of the previous season. Even after a year apart, Max and I were still best friends.

“Not the Flyer I’m talking about, JJ.” This caused me to blush. I knew exactly who he was referring to.

“I think I’m gonna go out to dinner with Kelly,” Jared announced upon entering the kitchen. He looked around at everything I was cooking. I was making his favorite, burgers and mac and cheese with small chunks of hotdog in it, to make up for us arguing earlier. “It smells delicious in here.”

“Why don’t you invite her over?” I offered when I saw Jared practically drooling over the food. I hadn’t met the girl yet and I was anxious to give her the big sister interrogation.

“Can I? That would be awesome! I would love for you to meet her,” Jared replied excitedly to my idea.

“I know I call him a girl kinda frequently and he has a flow that could be mistaken as feminine, but you are the last person I thought would call him a her,” Jordan chastised me from the other end of the phone call.

“That’s not what I meant,” I told Jordan and I saw a sad look appear on Jared’s face.

“And why the fuck would I invite him over? I tolerate him a little more now because of you, but I’m pretty sure we would still kill each other if we were in the same room without a referee.”

“So I can’t invite Kelly over? I thought you would jump at the chance to meet her. She’s really the nicest girl I think I have ever dated.”

“I just think you need to go the Philly for a weekend or something. According to Max, he’s pretty beaten up that you will travel up and down the east coast on five seconds notice for your brothers but haven’t thought about visiting him yet this season.”

“She’s kind of scared shitless to meet Eric, Jordan, and Marc, but she sounded really excited when I told her about you. She has a lot of brothers too and joked that you two could share brother horror stories with each other. I think you two would get along great.”

“You couldn’t even see him two nights ago when they were in town because you were busy with rehearsal during the afternoon when they got here and they had to fly out immediately after the game.”

“I mean it looks like you are making enough food that one extra person wouldn’t be a problem.”

“Pause!!” I yelled when they simultaneous rambling became too much for me to handle. “Both of you just shut your mouths for two seconds, would ya?” Jordan and Jared kept quiet for the moment it took me to take in what they had said and figure out what to say to both of them. “Jared, invite Kelly over for dinner. I can’t wait to meet her and tell her about the time Eric locked me in the barn for a day and a half while mom and dad were on vacation. Jordan, you can’t tell me how to spend my time with my—“

“Boyfriend,” Jordan continued for me when I hesitated for a split second. I hated the word ‘boyfriend’ so I never really said it aloud.

“I texted him just this morning and he didn’t seem upset or mad or anything so I think our relationship is just fine.”

“The Flyer?” Jared questioned, joining the conversation. I nodded in responded and chuckled to myself about how none of my brothers called him by his name. He was always ‘the Flyer’. Apparently the huge rivalry between the Penguins and the Flyers meant that he wasn’t worthy of my time, but I thought differently.

Jordan began rambling about how I would be upset if the roles were reversed and all I could think about was how difficult it was to date a professional hockey player that was always on the road and had literally the worst schedule ever. I think ‘the Flyer’ had it easy.

“Marc’s calling,” Jared announced while I was pretending to give a shit about what Jordan was saying. I hadn’t even heard the phone ring. There was too much going on at once for my liking. I was still cooking while all of this was going on. Jared handed me the still ringing house phone, knowing that I was the reason Marc was calling. I tossed Jared my cell phone with the still babbling Jordan, hit the accept button on the house phone, and held it up to my ear.

“Finally grew the balls to call me?” I questioned without giving my brother an actual greeting.

“I thought I was calling Jared’s house, not Joey’s big ass mouth. Or are you just taking over everything again?” Marc snarled back. Out of the five Staal kids, Marc was a close second for the sassiest mouth, right behind me.

“I’m sorry, Marc, but every minute I spend talking to you is a minute I’m not listening Jordan tell me about how bad I am at relationships. As much as I hate when he does that, I would rather suffer through that than talk to you. So can you just tell me why you have been gossiping about me with my three good brothers?”

“You really are a pain in the ass, you know that?”

“Just get to your point!”

“I found an open audition for you. On Broadway.”