I Won't Give Up

“How long you think until I hate all of you for making me do this?” I questioned as we stood in front of the line for security at the Pittsburgh International Airport. Jordan laughed a little before trying to push me closer to the start of the line. Instead of moving, I clung on to his arm, not wanting to go. “Please don’t make me go, JJ. I hate flying.”

“Man up, Joey. It’s not like this is your first flight,” he replied with a roll of his eyes. This was true; it wasn’t my first flight. But it was my first time flying alone. I never liked flying in the first place, and not having someone there to comfort me was just going to make it that much worse. “There will be a very disappointed Eric if he’s at the airport when your flight lands and you’re not there.” I pouted, realizing that I had no choice but to get on the plane. “You’ve been excited to go see Eric all on your own for weeks.”

“I didn’t exactly think that all the way through,” I mumbled under my breath. Yes, I was so excited to finally travel on my own and feel independent for once in my life, but it never registered to me that I had to fly all on my own as well.

“Listen. If you do this by yourself right now, I’ll buy a ticket to Raleigh for myself to meet you there after you’re done visiting Eric and we can fly back here together.”

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” I told him with a slight smile. “If I can do it once, I can do it a million times. I’m just nervous.” With that, Jordan pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly.

I ended up eating up every minute of spare time I had by procrastinating. So after our goodbyes, Jordan had to basically shove me through security so I would not miss my flight. Once on my plane, I drowned everything out with music from my iPod and the flight didn’t seem as bad as I thought it was going to be.



“You want me to wait here with you until you leave?” Marc asked me comfortingly, but I could tell from his eyes that he just wanted to hightail it out of here as soon as possible.

“I’m not afraid of all transportation, Marc, just planes,” I answered coldly. I hoped he would get the message and just leave. I wanted him there as much as he wanted to be there. So it would be easier on both of us if he went home. But he didn’t just up and leave.

We sat at the train station in silence. It was pretty awkward actually.

"Go home, Marc," I muttered, but he chose to ignore me and continued to simply sit there.

"I want to make sure..."

"You don't give a shit about me," I interrupted him harshly. I was so done with him I couldn't even stand to be around him anymore. "How about you do us both a favor and stop pretending like you care."

"Joey," Marc started, but I was already on my feet trying to get away from him. "You're train doesn't leave for another 10 minutes, Joe!" he called after me. I had zero intentions of going back.

Did he really expect me to forgive him? He had to be smarter than that. He brought me all the way up here just to send me home again with nothing to show for it but broken dreams and a crushed spirit. Did he really think that was going to sit well with me? Of all the awful things he had ever done to me, this had to be the worst. Nothing had ever left me feeling quite this devastated.

*~*~*~*~*

"Are you really going to go see the Flyer?" Jordan asked me later that day. I nodded in response as I wandered around my bedroom, emptying my bag that had just come back with me from New York and refilling it with new clothes to take with me to Philadelphia. "But you literally just got back from visiting Marc."

"And that turned out so well for me," I countered and paused for a moment to wonder how long I was going to be gone and decided how much clothing I needed to pack.

"So you need some time to calm down and feel better."

"That's what going to Philly will do."

"Why can't you get there here?" he questioned, an upset tone taking over his voice. I threw him a quizzical glance that told him to continue. "I miss you, JJ."

"We talk every day, Jordan," I laughed off, trying to avoid telling him that I missed him too. It was always difficult being away from Jordan for extended periods of time.

But I knew I needed to go to Philadelphia. I desperately needed to see my...boyfriend. And I knew he needed to see me too. Living in different cities and rarely getting to see each other was a lot harder than I originally thought it was going to be. Jordan opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.

"Don't even start with that 'it's not the same' bullshit," I joked, getting my brother to crack a smile as well.

"It's just..." he trailed off, not knowing how to put his thoughts into words.

"You know I have to go see him," I continued. "You were the one that told me to go spend time with him."

"That was over a week ago," he argued back, serious voice taking over the conversation. I could see how much he didn't want to talk about this. "I feel like you find it important to spend time with everyone else except me."

He knew that was not true. He knew that spending time with him was more important than anyone else. You see, we aren't your average twins. We are typical siblings; we pick on each other but love each other nonetheless. But we take the twin thing to the extreme. All twins feel that certain sadness when they aren't with each other. We quite literally cannot function. We can handle it for a certain amount of time, but not very long.

It took us sixteen whole years to figure this out. When Jordan and I were sixteen years old, he went away to play hockey. It was only a couple of hours away and I could go see him whenever I wanted to. But he was still gone for an entire year and I was not the same when he wasn't around. I couldn't focus on anything and I lost motivation. Later on, I found out that Jordan was having the same difficulties; except for hockey. Hockey was the only thing that he was still the same at because hockey was the only reason he got the see me that year.

Jordan went away for hockey the following year too. But we handled the separation better because it wasn't new anymore. This is why I moved with him to Pittsburgh. Neither of us could handle being apart from each other so permanently.

This separation feeling was what Jordan was feeling now. He's always hated talking about it. I felt it too, but sometimes I knew I had to push that anxiety away because there were other things that were important too.

"What's really the problem here, JJ?" I knew something was up with him. Something had to of triggered this need to have me around. I was usually the one with the separation anxiety; he only got it in extreme cases.

"You aren't going to want to stay here," he mumbled, not wanting me to hear what he was saying. But I heard him loud and clear.

"Why not?"

"Your community theater. It kinda burned down while you were in New York and they don't exactly have to money to rebuild it." My heart literally sank with his words. My face must of done the same because his face began to fill with panic. "I didn't want to tell you while you were there because I was afraid you would stay there and not come home. I thought you would find a community theater there and just have me ship you all your stuff. Please don't get mad at me, JJ. I was scared you wouldn't be around anymore." Jordan stared at me, waiting for a response, but none came.

I didn't know what to say. Or what to think for that matter. First the Broadway audition, now this.

It was like the world was telling me that I wasn't meant to be an actress.