Memories

In the four years in which they’d dated, Jack had received only a small bear and a wristband that read ‘JB and AG’ in block capitals. Maybe that would leave some people upset and in the furthest extent, a little heartbroken. Not Jack, though. Jack had memories, glorious memories that he relived every day, because he could remember every little detail.

It had been the night Jack was supposed to take some girl out to the local bar, maybe take her home, ask her out. That’s what his mother had hoped, at least. It hadn’t worked out like that, however. There was nothing wrong with the girl; it was all Jack. Completely nervous and forgetting all of his manners, causing her to huff and when it came to the point where another guy came up and asked if he could dance with her, Jack nodded and said, “Sure, whatever”. Perhaps it hadn’t been the most appropriate response, but if he hadn’t let her go, he wouldn’t have met Alex.

He was completely sober as he wandered outside, breathing in the somewhat fresh air mingled with car fumes. The bear of the music hummed through the air, but with the door closed behind him, he could hear the slurs of a boy lying on the ground. He was giggling, completely alone with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. Now, Jack wasn’t the type of person to leave a person who practically couldn’t stand lying in the middle of a car park, so he’d wandered over, asking him if he was alright. A pointless question, but whatever. Alex had squinted up at him and the first thing he’d said to Jack Barakat was, “Dude, you have a Jew nose.”

Whilst some people may have found that offensive, Jack had chuckled, and nodded before offering his arm. Alex had stumbled up, leaning into the younger boy heavily. He was too pissed to remember where he lived, and couldn’t seem to find his ID, and told him, “I-I, left my phone at hoooome,” and burst into giggles at the elongated ‘o’. Well, Jack couldn’t very well leave him there for the night, could he? So he bundled the caramel haired boy into the back of his car and taken him back to his house, letting him sleep in his own bed and going to sleep on the couch after giving him some Tylenol, a bucket for if he woke up during the night or whatever, and left a glass of water for him.

In the morning, Alex had staggered out of Jack’s bedroom, smiling groggily at the younger boy as he looked up from watching his cartoons, blushing slightly. Alex learned what Jack had done for him, grinned, and thanked him endlessly. Jack had wanted to ask why he’d been that pissed, alone, but refused to ask as it was impersonal and he barely knew the boy.

“I’m Jack, by the way,” Jack had said, “Jack Barakat.”

“Alex Gaskarth, at your service,” He’d grinned cheekily, and shook his hand vigorously before Jack asked if he’d like to go back to his own house now.

“Well, I can’t leave without the number of the boy who so bravely saved me, can I?” Alex had chuckled, and they had exchanged numbers, smiling at each other. Jack remembered being attracted to Alex, even then. Just slightly – then again, he was attracted to everyone. He hadn’t got laid in so long.

He’d taken Alex home and the next afternoon Alex had called him, sounding groggy and, well, hungover. However, they arranged plans for Jack’s house, for an hour later. And Jack had made a fucking effort. His best skinny jeans and a Face to Face tee. Not half an hour later, the doorbell went, and the minute Jack opened the door, Alex had gushed over his shirt, and they conversed passionately for hours about the music they liked, the tours they went to, the people they met… That was the first time they’d truly bonded and it sure as hell wasn’t the last.

From then on, the two were inseparable. Jack stopped Alex from going and getting drunk alone at night, and instead they watched old cartoons and Home Alone too many times to count, and fell asleep together on the couch. More than once, Jack had awoken with his face nuzzled into Alex’s chest and Alex’s arms around him, crushing him to his chest protectively. He’d always blushed and rushed up, putting on the T.V. and watching Scooby Doo, or something just as stupid.

He could feel it, though. He didn’t like it, but very gradually, Jack was falling for Alex. His heart would beat faster whenever Alex was near, as if he were on a high, and his palms would sweat, and he’d be more prone to blushing, or lip biting, or something just as girly.

Then there was the night that Jack told Alex he loved him. He’d awoken in that position, snuggled into Alex, apart from the fact his face was nestled into the crook of Alex’s neck, it was dark, the telly off, and Alex was awake. He could tell by the way his fingers danced near the hem of Jack’s shirt. Jack had bit his lip, and tilted his head up to look at Alex. Alex looked down as he shifted, and before either of them could think, their lips were pressed together softly. They stayed like that for a moment, and in that moment, Jack swore he felt Alex kiss him back.

Then Alex was pushing him away, “This is wrong,” He’d said, pushing Jack off of him. Tears gathered in the corner of Jack’s eyes and he tried to stay cuddled into Alex, needing to feel his arms around him desperately, needed to feel warm and happy and well, Alex. The older boy shoved him roughly, folding his arms across his chest and staring at the blank television screen. Jack held the breath he had sucked in, trying not to make a noise as the tears slid down his cheeks. It all became too much, and he choked on a sob, a miserable whine leaving in it’s wake. Alex gasped slightly, turning to his best friend. “J-Jack… Why are you-”

“Because I love you, Lex!” Jack whispered, another sob leaving his lips.

Jack cried himself to sleep after Alex left him wordlessly, shivering because there was no covers, no warmth, and most importantly, no Alex.

The older boys mother had called Jack the next morning, inviting him over. Before he had enough time to refuse, his mother had said, “He wants to apologise to you, Jack.”

Well, fuck. How in the hell could he refuse? He was over at Alex’s in a matter of minutes, smiling tensely at his friend’s mother before manouvering himself to his best friend’s room. The minute Alex laid eyes on Jack, his arms were around him and their lips were pressed together and the caramel haired boy was whispering his apologies, saying Jack deserved so much more and why did he even like Alex?

“I love you, too, by the way,” He’d laughed after they’d collapsed on the bed, curling into each other and holding each other tightly. “There’s just some things you don’t know about me, Jack, terrible things that I don’t want to tell you. I can’t hurt you that way because, well, I love you.”

Although it shook Jack slightly, he’d smiled and told him softly that he didn’t care. He just had Alex, and that was all he needed.

Everyone admitted they were the perfect couple. They were always together, Alex’s arms slung around Jack’s waist as the brown haired male sat in his boyfriend’s lap, kissing his temple every so often. The dates were perfect, beaches, restaurants, the whole shebang, but Jack’s favourite were the times they’d sit at home and just… be. Just be in each others presense and laugh and smile and be themselves, worry about nothing, love each other, cuddle, kiss.

Because Alex was on edge. Jack could tell, he always could. He’d laugh, but then it would cut short and his eyes would glaze over and a small frown would pass over his face. Jack would snap him out of it jokingly, forcing a smile. And Alex would be fine. Jack figured it was one of those “terrible things” he couldn’t tell him about, and accepted it, a little bitterly. As long as Jack had Alex, they’d be fine.

The first time they had sex had been wonderful. Soft, gentle, loving, so much so Jack hated to call it sex, because that made what they had done sound so crude when it was the greatest thing Jack had done. He’d loved every second, every sweet, soft second that they had just come together as one.

A year passed. It was one of those nights where Jack was sleeping in his own bed, because he’d needed to go and get changed and just fallen asleep, when his phone had rung. Groggily, Jack had answered with a sleepy, “’Lo?”

“Jack! It’s Alex!” A frantic Mrs. Gaskarth had answered the phone, and Jack froze, all of his sleepiness had evaporated, “He’s been taken to hospital!”

“What?!” Yelped Jack, throwing on some jeans and a shirt in a frenzy. He had promised he’d go, and almost crashed three times whilst he travelled there. Finally, he got there, impatiently telling the receptionist what room he was in. He’d unbelievably been allowed in, and when he shut the door, he seen how truly weak Alex was, and he knew. He knew the dirty little secret he’d kept to himself for two years.

“Jack,” Croaked Alex, as the boy moved towards his bed, “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you I have lu-”

“We don’t have the time, d-do we?” Choked Jack, pulling Alex towards him gently as Alex shook his head sadly. Jack did want to know why he’d kept it from him, but he didn’t want to waste the time he had left on something that didn’t matter in the long run. Tears rolled gently down his face, dripping into Alex’s hair.

“Hey, hey,” Alex said gently, looking straight up at his boyfriend to show he was crying too, “Don’t cry,” He’d whispered softly, and Jack laughed slightly, shaking his head.

“Alex,” He said quietly, pressing a kiss to the boy’s lips, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Jacky.” He said, his voice wavering. They held each other, whispering their love for each other, punctuating their words with kisses and squeezes.

The heart monitor began to slow, and Jack began to plead with him, “Alex, Lex, Lex, please, stay,” He begged, “Please stay, five more minutes, Alex, please, I love you so much, I can’t live without you, Alex!”

“Jack,” He said softly, his hand moving up to graze his cheek, “Jack, I love you, Jack. Jack, I… Ja…”

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…

A cruel sob ripped through the room loudly, because Alex, his Alex, just couldn’t be dead. That couldn’t be his heart that wasn’t beating any more, couldn’t be Alex who’s lungs weren’t filling with air any more, couldn’t be him that was lying still and lifelessly on the bed. He sobbed his name, started to scream in despair when Alex’s mom came in and moved him out. She spent a while saying goodbye to her son, before taking Jack home – back to her house.

When he awoke in the morning, he stared at the ceiling, his heart feeling heavy, as if it were literally breaking. It was then Alex’s mother walked in, handing him the letter, and smiling at him wanely before leaving him to it. She didn’t say anything because there was nothing to say.

He ripped open the letter eagerly.

Jack,

You know, when I first met you, I knew this was going to happen. Obviously I was going to fall in love with the person who made my life a little bit longer by stopping me from drinking my life away. So for that I thank you, and now, I have some things to explain, for if you’re reading this, I’m no longer with you, and for that I’m so so sorry, Jack.

By now, you’ve realised I had luekemia. I didn’t tell you because I was scared, Jack. Scared you’d leave me because you couldn’t see a future with me, or scared because you’d treat me so differently. I didn’t want to scare you, either, make you terrified at every turn I would drop dead in your arms. So, that’s why I didn’t tell you, love. But please, understand that with every ounce of me, I love you so much.

Now that that’s cleared up… I have a few things to ask of you, Jack. Please look after my parents. I think they’ll be pretty upset about this, and I don’t want them slipping into depression, or something just as silly because they don’t deserve that. So look after them; check in with them, take my place, if you like. Just don’t let them do anything stupid.

The second is this. The third floorboard vertical from the door is loose. Pull it open and there will be a box. It’s yours, because I love you, okay? Please don’t forget that.

Have a wonderful life, Jack-o.

Alex. Xxx

So of course that’s what Jack did. He ripped open the floorboard and pulled the lid off of the box, and found signed Cds, posters, cards, everything. He laughed to himself at the thought of Alex getting the signatures just for him, tipping it out on the floor. That’s when he seen the next envelope, and he pulled it up, opening it curiously. Inside was a bit of paper, and a ring. A golden ring inscripted with, I’ll always be here, Jack. Tears filled his eyes as he slipped it onto his finger, and then he read the paper.

And Jack? Be happy. Find someone new, and love again. Have the best life you can; live it not just for you, but for me. You always have memories, Jack. You can always be happy. Do this for me. I love you.

“You’re right, Alex,” Jack murmurs to himself as he sits in his room, reading the paper from which the writing had long since faded. “I always have the memories.”