All I Ever Wanted

I was in the kitchen when she left. She didn’t know I was in her house that day or any other day for that matter. I was sitting behind the counter with my knees pulled up to my chest, fully out of her sight. She was supposed to be going away on a weekend retreat with her other rich friends but came home early. I barely had enough time to sprint out of the living room and hide.

I don’t know how she found out about us. No one but Cam and I knew the dirty details. His best friend Eric knew of me and had seen me from a distance, but I refused to get mixed up in his hockey life. Maybe it was us becoming too lazy to cover up everything. Maybe she could smell my perfume on his suit or notice a mark on his body that couldn’t come from hockey. Maybe the suspicions were there the entire time.

Her high pitched screams of curse words are forever imprinted in my mind. Cam said nothing as he watched his wife of three and a half years walk out the door. I only personally met her once, and that was only for a few seconds, but after being in her house and talking to her husband, I had a pretty good idea of who she was. She seemed like the strong independent type that wouldn’t come crawling back to Cam.

Cody Ward was not a woman to be messed with. From the way she carries herself into a crowd or even down the street, people know they can’t mess with the confidence she has. Her bright blue eyes look straight into your soul. The only time I met her was back home in Saskatoon. I was a bar tender at the time and she was only casually dating Cam. He introduced us quickly but I was ultimately forgotten in the group of people she met that weekend.

Cam didn’t forget about me though. A year before he got married I moved down to Raleigh. I worked in sales for a company downtown and became practically unknown and unnoticed by the city around me. Cam was waiting inside my car two weeks after I moved into the new country. He took me for a tour of the city and treated me to a late dinner. He cheated on Cody for the first time three weeks later.

I wasn’t proud of what I was doing. No doubt I was ruining a marriage, and when they had Nolan I was ruining a family. Even though I wasn’t proud of it, I didn’t regret what I was doing. I had boyfriends during the four years we were friends but none reached the level he had with Cody. I lived my own life and saw Cam on the side. It was normal life for me.

The house grew silent after Cody slammed the door in Cam’s face. I held my breath as his footsteps flooded my ears. My eyes involuntarily closed as soon as I detected his presence in the small room. I had yet to see Cam mad and never wanted to. Slowly I heard him stop walking then sliding down to the floor across from me. I opened my eyes one at a time, only to see him sitting two feet away with his arms around his knees and his eyes staring right back at me.

“She saw us.” He said in a steady voice. His eyes were dark clouds or brown that showed no emotion about the previous twenty minutes. I looked at him in shock. We never went out unless it was late at night at a random bar or even my apartment.

“Where?” I asked in a worried voice.

“Starbucks two weeks ago. Ever since then she had been on high alert, apparently. She knew when I came home late on Thursday and suspected something when she left yesterday.” He explained and stretched his long legs out so that they were on either side of my body. I was trapped in a situation I never thought I would have to be in. We were supposed to stop when he proposed, then when he got married, then when he had his son, and finally we just gave up.

“What now?” I asked.

“I will have to move out, probably to Eric’s guest room. Cody wants a divorce, but I won’t let her take Nolan away from me.” He explained and hit all of the questions that were running through my head. Eric lived three streets over and because they were best friends he would have no problem letting Cam crash there.

“I’m sorry.” I said softly. He just shook his head in response and turned his feet behind my back before pulling me towards him. I laughed lightly before sitting in between his legs and right in front of him.

“It’s not your fault.” He whispered and tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

“It takes two to tango.” I said with a weak smile, finally feeing genuinely sorry for the situation I helped put him and his wife in. Cam shook his head at me and smiled sadly back at me.

“It never had a chance anyway.” He said. I rolled my eyes and actually laughed at that.

“Yeah right. You loved her. I mean you married and had a kid with her.” I said, trying to lighten the suddenly tense mood. He shook his head slightly.

“She never had a chance after you moved here.” Cam said in a light voice. It was as if he was trying not to scare me. I stopped breathing at once and froze. “Come on Kelsie. This can’t be that big of a surprise.” He whispered with a tiny bit of fear in the back of his scratchy voice. I gulped, trying to get my suddenly dry throat to start working, but it was useless.

His confession was a big surprise. We were friends with benefits, that’s all. Nothing besides sex was ever part of the deal. I kept my heart out of the way and his was supposed to be with Cody and Nolan. He was never supposed to fall in love with me. This was never part of the plan.

“Please say something.” He whispered.

“What am I supposed to say Cam? You just fucking dropped a bomb in my lap.” I said in a hollow voice. His eyes and faces drained of all emotion and his large, rough hands grabbed my upper arms.

“Kelsie just hear me out.” He sighed. I shook my head and tried to untangle myself from him. We aren’t supposed to have feelings for each other.

“Please just let me go.” I whispered and slowly crawled up. I walked across the kitchen and heard him stand up once I was near the front door.

“Wait! Kelsie you can’t leave.” Cam yelled and slid across the floor on his way towards me. I just shook my head and opened the door. “I love you!” He shouted and my stride faltered slightly as I walked down the steps of his front yard. I forced myself to look anywhere but him. My car started slowly and the look of defeat on his face almost made me pull back in his driveway. I lasted five minutes on the road before I had to pull over because of the tears blocking my view of the road.

Twenty minutes later I caught my breath and was able to finish driving home. My mind was blank and my body felt numb. I didn’t remember walking in my front door or walking to the couch. I didn’t even notice the man sitting in my kitchen, drinking milk and eating my Oreos. My body curled in a ball in the corner of my couch and willed everything to go back to the way it was.

“You’re out of Oreos.” A man said from behind me. On any other day I would be freaked out and start screaming but I just laid there and shrugged. He could rape and kill me and I wouldn’t feel a thing.

“Who are you?” I asked quietly.

“Eric Staal and you’re the infamous Kelsie Knolls. I’ve known about you since you started messing around with Cam. I’ve also known that it would probably end this was one day.” He told me and sat down on the recliner next to me. I rolled my eyes at his cocky tone of voice and rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling. It was just one of Cam’s teammates. The worry of being raped was gone in two seconds flat.

“Congratulations, you’re a psychic.” I said sarcastically and held my hand out for a high five. He actually hit my hand and started laughing.

“So he told you he loved you and you ran away. Smooth move. I’m more of a stay there and face your feelings kind of guy, but running away works too. When are you going to realize you feel the same way?” Eric asked. I glared at him and shook my head. I didn’t love Cam. I couldn’t love Cam. He was married and had a son. I worked in an office building and never even thought of having a family of my own.

“I don’t love him.” I told Eric through my teeth. He just laughed in response and smirked at me.

“So when he spends the night here and holds you instead of having sex, you don’t feel anything. How about when you guys just go out as friends or talk on the phone during road trips? You feel nothing when he calls you just to say good night or when he is bored. I find that hard to believe.” Eric told me.

“How do you know about all of that?” I asked, almost freaked out about how much he knew. I never even met him before.

“Cam is my best friend. He tells me everything. I support his divorce and you two getting together. His voice is different when he calls you and Cody. He really loves you.” Eric said seriously and refused to break eye contact. I shook my head and sat up.

“So what, you just come in my apartment, eat my cookies, drink my milk, and lecture me on who I should love and I haven’t even met you before. This is crazy and makes no sense. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. You don’t know if I love him or not.” I exasperated. He just smirked at me and crossed his arms.

“Then why are you flipping out on me?” He was such a smart ass and it was pissing me off. He didn’t know anything. Cam and I’s relationship was messed up and there was no way either of us felt more than platonic friendship. Yeah I smiled and got excited when he called, but that didn’t mean anything. I loved waking up with him next to me, but that’s just because I have been alone for so long. Loving Cam wouldn’t make any sense, right?

“Shut up Staal.” I muttered, having no comeback for the first time. He just laughed and shook his head. Then he slowly stood up and looked like he was in pain. Training camp was kicking the guy’s asses and there was no doubt he was sore.

“Well, he is going to be at my house for the next few weeks. You’re welcome to stop by at any time. I’m sure he would be ecstatic to see you. It was nice meeting you Kelsie and I will be seeing you a lot this season.” He told me cockily and held his hand out to shake with a grin on his face.

“Fuck you.” I said and weakly shook his hand. His footsteps moved through my town house and he shut my front door quietly. My body stayed motionless, but my mind flew 100 miles per hour. Cam loved me, which was a fact, but could I love him back? He wanted a family and more kids, but I never even pictured me with any of that. He needed someone by his side all the time for hockey. He needed someone who could help him through the ups and downs of s season. I couldn’t do that. Could I?

But I loved when it was just us. I loved when we would hang out in my apartment or at his house and just talk. I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. We texted all the time and every road trip I knew I would get a call. Sometimes we talked into the middle of the night and we both end up falling asleep in the call. Those were the times I felt something more. I started to feel to attached, but couldn’t come up with a good reason to back away.

I fell asleep curled up in a ball, thinking about everything. I was in a dreamless sleep and woke up 15 hours later to the sound of my dog barking and scratching at the back door. I slowly came to and noticed my TV was on. A commercial for the Hurricanes was playing and Cam was talking about something. I couldn’t hear what he was saying over the pounding of my heart and roaring of my brain.

I quickly let Zazoo, my German Sheppard, out and as soon as he came back in, I grabbed my keys and rushed out of my house. Without thinking, I drove towards Cam’s, but turned right and drove to Eric’s house. I had no idea I even knew which one it was, but my feet carried me to the front door and rang the door bell. A petit blonde haired woman answered the door with a baby in her arms. At first she looked surprise to see me, then just smiled and stepped to the side.

“Their in the basement.” She said and shut the door behind me. I nodded and followed her to the door and she grabbed my arm before I could go down. “I know it’s scary. I didn’t want to fall in love with Eric, but I did. Stop listening to your head and listen to your heart.” She said. All I could do was nod back and offer a weak smile.

Cam was lying on the couch, playing Call of Duty when I reached the bottom of the steps. Eric was sitting in a bean bag chair next to him and they were both yelling out insults. It baffled me how two grown men could play video games like middle school boys. Their insults were weak compared to what was said on the ice and neither of them noticed me walk over to the back of the couch.

“If you use a grenade to blow up the next room, you will kill him.” I whispered to Cam and he fell off the couch in surprise. Eric’s head snapped towards us and as soon as he saw me, he smirked.

“Come back so soon?” He asked in his smart ass tone and I flicked him off. “Feisty, I like it. I’ll be upstairs, so please don’t have sex in my basement.” He told us and kicked Cam lightly before jogging out of the room and no doubt stayed at the top of the stairs to try and hear us through the door. Cam laid on his back and just stared at me. I crawled over the back of the leather couch and sat Indian style in the middle.

“I’m sorry I ran away.” I said and played with the toes on my socks. Cam stayed expressionless and didn’t move. “I was scared and didn’t understand. It was kind of a blind side hit.” I said, almost talking to my self. I still got no reaction from him. “Will you say something?” I asked and threw my hands in the air.

“Why are you here?” Cam asked, confused. I sighed and looked at him blankly.

“Eric came to my house and talked to me.” I said, thinking he knew, but was met with a blank expression. “He broke in and ate all my Oreos. Then proceeded to tell me how stupid I was being and proved that he knew everything about us.” I said in an annoyed voice. I still couldn’t believe he broke into my house.

“He doesn’t know everything.” Cam whispered and I shook my head. I wasn’t mad about that. “I shouldn’t have told you.” He said in a louder voice and I felt my eyes grow wide.

“Do you love me?” I asked.

“What? Kelsie I-” He started to say.

“Do you?” I asked again, cutting him off mid sentence. He sighed and rolled onto his back. My eyes started to fill with tears again. Why wasn’t he answering my question? “Because I love you.” I choked out and covered my face in my hands, half out of embarrassment and half out of being too scared to see his reaction. I heard him move around and the next thing I knew, he pulled my hands away from my face.

“Kelsie, look at me.” He said, but I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. “Please.” He pleaded and I slowly opened one eye. “Come on, all the way.” He coaxed me and I opened both eyes to look at him.

“What?” I asked in a hoarse voice. He just laughed and looked at me.

“Did you just say what I thought you said?” He asked with a grin. I shook my head.

“No.” I replied, not wanting to say it again.

“Yes you did.” He told me. I just shrugged and tried to look away. He leaned towards me and kissed my jaw slowly until he reached my ear. “It’s good, because I love you too.” He whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. I tried to suppress and grin as I turned my head towards him and stopped only centimeters away from his lips.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” I asked, giving him one last out. He answered me by pressing his lips to mine and softly kissing me.

“This is all I ever wanted.” Cam told me in a serious voice and I didn’t fight the smile that played on my lips.