Without You

Cadey Parker shuts her phone and drops it to the floor, pressing the back of her palms into her eyes to help herself stop crying. She tries to remind herself of the little boy waiting out in the lounge for her, and so slips on her mask, one she has perfected over the years. In part from her good acting, and in part from necessity. When you are a solo mother, you cannot rely on anyone else to do your job, and this is something she has learned a number of years ago.
When she can be sure that her cheeks are no longer wet, she stands up and takes a deep breath, regaining some control –some reign over her emotions.
She opens the door of her quaint little bedroom and strolls out into the lounge room, where Cameron is waiting for her on the couch.
“Look Mom!” he beams excitedly, forgetting her short absence and pointing at the TV wildly, “My favourite show is on!”
“That’s great baby,” she replies taking a seat next to him on the giant comfy sofa. She ruffles his hair and kisses his head, stealing a cuddle. Another thing she has learnt is the power of her son’s hugs, some how so very outrageously different to everyone else’s. When times have gotten tough over the past few years, time scarce and pressure mounting, Cameron’s hugs always seem to save her. It reminds her of the simplicity of life, the joy and the magic among the sorrow and the heartache. It reminds her of why she lives and breathes, -for the young boy that depends on her.
She is brought back down to earth in a hurry when Cam’s little hands press to her cheeks, rubbing his fingers over the stains her tears have left.
“Why are you sad Mommy?”
“I’m not sad sweetie,” she replied, smiling.
“You been crying Mom,” he reiterated. “Tears.”
“Happy tears Cammy,” she promised, a straight faced lie. “Happy tears. That was your Daddy on the phone, his team is finished, so he’s going to be here next week to see you.”
Cameron’s tongue snaked out and traced over his lips as his brow furrowed, showing his deep thoughts.
“Aren’t you excited? You love when your Daddy visits.”
“Yeah Mom, cept I hate when he leaves. My tummy feels all funny and my eyes get wet.”
Understanding his recount more than she can ever express, having shared the same feelings for longer than he has been alive, Cadey hugs her son to her chest. “I know baby, but he said he is going to stay a bit longer this time. He said he wants to spend more time with you.”
Immediately, his face and attitude did a 180. Cameron loved his mother with every bone in him, it was her he ran to after every nightmare, her body that felt like home when he snuggled against her and it was her face that he longed to see at the end of the long school day. But he couldn’t deny that he loved when his father came to visit, and he couldn’t hide his excitement at the prospect of having even more time with him than usual.
“That’s so cool! Do I still have to go to school? I want to hang out with him every day!”
“Cameron you know how important school is, you will have to hang out with him after school and after soccer practise.”
“Okay Mom. When does he get here?”
“This coming Thursday,” Cadey told him, watching his face pucker. “Four more sleeps,” she translated.
“Oh wow! I’m so excited, I don’t think I’ll get any sleep!” he buzzed.
Cadey sat back on the couch and again took a deep breath, needing to assert her control over her emotions and fight off the tsunami of them that had swamped her earlier.
She was sure she wasn’t going to get any sleep until Zach was here either, but for a very different reason than excitement.

-

As Zach stepped off of his plane, he knew he should make a phone call. But he didn’t. Instead, he made his way through the airport, collecting his luggage and exiting through out the other side of the building. He closed his eyes and turned his face up into the slight warmth of the low sitting sun, and breathed in the air of Minnesota. Being home used to give him the ultimate sense of immense relief and freedom, but now, it gave him one of responsibility. His job of Captain was now over, put on hold until training camp. It was time to put on his ‘father cap’ and step into another role in the mean time.
It was a role that he was very much still learning. Experience at it was hard to come by when it only had it for three months out of twelve. Still though, he was very careful not to put down Cadey’s decision to stay living in Minnesota, even though he had offered to pay for a house in New Jersey, in a bid to have her and Cameron closer. He remembered clear as day her response, and even more clearly, the quick whip of hurt that had stung him upon hearing her words.
“I’m not moving to New Jersey, Zach,” she had answered him resolutely, “I’m not moving our whole lives to go to a city where I know no one.”
“You’ll know me.” It had been a weak shot, a desperate clutch at making her consider his offer.
“Yes, and you will be training and playing and away on the road. My family is here, Zach, your family is here. I need their help, so Cameron and I, we will stay here.”
It was after that that he had given up, letting go of the idea he had spent a whole season fantasising of. In his head the offer had gone very differently, with her tentatively agreeing and him showing her houses that he had been scouting, especially for that purpose.
He had learnt to give up on the suggestion though, that was three years ago now. Cameron had still been so young, only two.
It was crazy to think that he was now closer to six, and though the fact scared him, Zach was excited to ear from his son first hand at how school was going, as Skype was good for a lot of things, staying in touch and seeing his happy little face for one, but not for in depth quality time, not like what he hoped to share with Cam this summer.
Zach was aware that he had his misgivings as a father, his nine month long absences the main one. He knew also that flying back to visit on Christmas and All Star break wasn’t sufficient enough, wasn’t what his son deserved. To their credit, Cadey brought him out to visit when she could, on Zach’s request, and credit card. Though he sent her money each month, she only ever took enough from him to cover slightly over half of Cameron’s bills, and still kept a job herself. Zach considered her much like super woman, mystified at how she could raise a son by her self and keep a job, but she did it. She was determined like that when it came to important things. She used to be determined like that with him, but that was such a long time ago now.
His phone buzzed in his pocket and he retrieved it. “Have a fun summer with the kid. Might come visit!”
It was from Travis Zajac, one of Zach’s closest friends on the team, and one of the few who knew of Cameron’s existence. It was known in the locker room, and the organisation that Zach had a family back home in Minnesota, but the extent of that ‘family’ remained a mystery to some. Not that Zach kept it secret by any means; it was just hard to share the excitement of that fact when it also simultaneously revealed his short comings.
A car horn sounded, startling Zach as he gazed at his phone, wondering what to type back to Travis.
He looked up to see his parents, in their family car.
“It’s so good to see you!” his mother cooed, throwing open her door and embracing him. “I’m sorry about your early elimination, but it is so lovely to have you home Zach.”
He smiled curtly, hugging her back. “Thanks Mom.”
His father also greeted him with a hug, a much less emotional one though, and then took his luggage to the back of the vehicle, storing it in the boot.
“Does she know you’re here yet?” his mother nagged, referring to who else but Cadey. “Cam was just buzzing at the thought of seeing you honey. When your father and I had him over for dinner he couldn’t sit still.”
Though he feels it’s too early and quick for this line of questioning, he sees the earnest in his mother’s eyes and replies politely. “I only just got off the plane Mom. I’ll call her when I get home, and see if it’s okay for me to go around and visit.”
She nodded and they all got into the car and headed home, to the Parise household that had been Zach’s true home for as long as he could remember. It nagged at him in the car, his mother’s words of Cameron’s excitement. It wasn’t that they had him over for tea, Zach was aware that they did his share of the parenting, attending Cam’s school events and having him over for dinner once a week, and most Tuesday nights, when Cadey worked late.
He had cabinets full of trophies and medals, a bursting bank account, and had paid for new cars for them both, but there was no doubt that Cameron was the best gift Zach had ever given his parents. They loved that little boy like he was God’s gift, and Zach couldn’t argue that he wasn’t.
Cameron Parise had been blessed with Zach’s facial structure, but Cadey’s perfect green eyes. He had sandy blonde hair and a smile that could power small towns with its brightness. Zach had missed him like crazy, and sitting in the back seat of the car, he pulled out his wallet and washed his eyes over the photo he kept. It was one of Cam in his jersey, number 9, Devil red. The wave of pride that always hit him when he saw it was ever present, creating a small ache in his heart.

When they were home and Zach had put his stuff away, settling back in, he made the call to Cadey and hurried down stairs to the front door, calling a goodbye to his parents.
His mother caught him, just short of the door. “Promise me, promise me that you will spend as many moments with that kid as long as you are here Zach,” she asked him. “He loves you honey, you should see his face light up when he talks about you.”
Zach turned his face, the confrontation a little too much for him.
But his mother stayed adamant, knowing Zach’s guilt when it comes to matters of his son. He doesn’t like to be thought of as so lovable by Cam, part of him knowing he does not deserve it.
“Promise me Zachary.”
“I’m going to spend every second with him that Cadey allows,” Zach responded, honestly.

-

Cameron Parise bounces up and down by the door, after hearing a knock on it.
“Mom,” he calls, “MOM. MOM! He’s here, Dad is here!”
“Okay, okay,” Cadey shouts back, giving herself one more look over in the mirror. Ever since Zach’s call she has been working on tiding the house, and then on herself. Her hair is now pulled into a long plait on one side, her most comfortable jeans hugging her motherly curves and a simple black cardigan teamed with a locket that her parents gave her when Cameron was born sits around her chest. She can’t ever explain why she feels like this when he arrives, but it’s always the same. It not really nerves, it’s…..well she doesn’t really know what it is to be honest.
Her phones buzzes on her dressing table, but she sees that it is Jackson, so she leaves it. Now is so not the time.
“MOM!” Cameron hollers again, cutting her thoughts short. She walks out in to the hallway, able to see her son bursting with excitement, but waiting for her, having been taught not to open the door without her presence, Stranger Danger 101.
His big eyes flash at her and she nods, knowing its time. She can put this off no longer.
The door opens and she gets a split second for her eyes to meet Zach’s before Cameron erupts.
He shares his joy all over his father, hugging him tightly and working that big beautiful smile of his. When his reacquainting with his father is over, he runs to the kitchen to retrieve a drawing that he completed last week in anticipation of this moment.
Zach smiles at Cadey, looking just as stunning as he remembers her. “Hello Cadey.”
“Zach.”