Without You

“Cadey? Cade?”
At first she thinks she is dreaming, that she is imagining her name being called. But then she recognises Zach’s voice, and cracks an eye open.
Surely enough he sits on the edge of the bed, wearing only his boxers, his hair messy like he’s just woken up. A quick look to the side of the bed tells Cadey its 9am.
“Zach, what’s going on?” she asks, worried at his peculiar timing. “Is the couch uncomfortable, do you want to swap?”
Fully awake now, she can see the strangely awkward and thoughtful look on Zach’s face, and watches as he runs a hand through his rugged hair. The expression on his face is airily familiar, and gives a deeply panicking kick-start to her heart beat when she places where she has seen it before, or more like when.
It’s the same one he wore the day he came to tell her he had to go.
“Cadey,” he begins, “Can you get up and get dressed? Anything you wear will be fine; there is something I need to show you.”
“At 9am?” She knows it’s not the most unreasonable hour, but after tossing and turning so much last night, she’s tired.
“It’s important,” he promises. “Cam and I have been up for a while already this morning. He is with Travis and his wife right now, we’ll meet them for breakfast later. I have to show you this first.”
Cadey reluctantly agrees, seeing that this is obviously something that is important to Zach if he has already made arrangements for Cam and is so strung out about it.
He walks to his draws to choose some clothes and Cadey stumbles over to her suitcase, slipping on a pair of socks and then some jeans and a t-shirt. Zach is still getting dressed as she slips away into the bathroom.
She isn’t at all worried about her physical appearance as she’s woken up next to Zach many times before, but she cant help but peer closely at the mirror to get a better view of the slight dark lines under her eyes, trying to gauge just how visible they are. They are faint, so she discards the option of make up and just brushes her teeth and flicks her hair up into a pony tail.
Zach is waiting when she comes out, well dressed in some jeans and an old USA hoodie.
His car keys jingle in his hands and he holds his hand to Cadey, who takes it, and they head out together.

Twenty minutes later, Zach is driving them around and after trying to keep up with his turns and roads; Cadey is lost so she just gazes out the passenger side window, looking at all the wonderful houses.
From what she can see gather visually, they seem to be in a really nice area, with every surrounding house looking as picture perfect as a child’s doll house.
Making a sharp left, Zach swings the vehicle in to the driveway of one in particular. Saying nothing, he un-clicks his seat belt and then gestures for Cadey to do the same, and when they are out of the car, he takes her hand and leads her to the front door.
“Zach,” she whispers warning as she follows him. They wander up a nicely pebbled path to a nice rounding veranda and stand before a deep blue front door. Being closer now, Cadey can see some of its beautiful features.
Wind chimes hang from a beam of the veranda, chiming softly in the faint breeze that tickles whips of her hair at the side of her face. A giant welcome mat sits at the door, but it doesn’t seem to have had much traffic. Fastened to the door is a little box that has a pencil on a string hanging from it, and in clear white words says, “We’re out, leave us a note.”
It has a completely welcoming vibe and feels cheerful but it doesn’t answer any of the questions currently on Cadey’s mind.
There doesn’t seem to be anyone home, no other cars in the driveway and no shoes at the door or sounds of life coming from inside, but if she had known Zach was taking her to meet people she would have dressed up a little more than just throwing on what she has.
When they were together, wardrobe was never a problem. Zach loved her in whatever she wore, and when it was just the two of them, she was never wearing much for very long.
But now Zach is in a different world, one of fame and publicity. It is a world she doesn’t know the rules of, but she has seen various circulating internet photos of player’s wives and girlfriends always looking stylish and flawless. She would hate to be sprung into an event or breakfast or anything without being properly dressed.
“What are we doing here? What’s going on?”
But Zach ignores her, just turning the door knob and strolling inside, not even knocking.
“Zach!” she panics in a voice now louder than a whisper, but very expressive all the same, “You can’t just walk into other people’s homes. People get arrested for stuff like this.”
Standing at the foot of a beautiful winding staircase Zach turns and smiles at her. His eyes twinkle and his mouth smirks, like there is some big secret that Cadey is missing. “Good thing it’s my house then, huh? They can’t arrest me for being inside my own house.”
Aside from his words, the state of the house is mind-blowing alone. However amazing it seemed from the outside is tripled by the wonder of inside. The staircase is stunning and clean and polished hard wood floors round out all around them, leading to many various rooms and hallways. The walls are a nice soft colour, and the whole picture resembles a home out of a catalogue, or straight off of a movie set.
It takes a while for her to stop marvelling, and for Zach’s words to set in.
“Wait, wait, you OWN this?” she wheezes. Slowly, she begins to walk around, moving nearer to Zach. “You own this house?”
“Yeah,” he nods. “This is what I wanted to show you.”
Feeling quite overwhelmed, Cadey takes a seat on the stairs, facing Zach. “When did you buy this? Why did you buy this?”
Zach joins her, sitting a stair higher, and taking her hand. He too had a lot of time to think last night, and a lot of time to mull things over and make decisions. Cadey has told him that things won’t work, with her life in Minnesota, and his life is in New Jersey. Only he knows now that that is wrong.
His life is where ever Cadey and Cam are and he knows that now. He knows that when the season rolls around and he has to return here without them, it will be awful.
Hockey is the sport he lives and breaths, the dream that he gets to live out every day. But he has been putting it first in his life for too long. He once thought that that was how things were supposed to be, or they would be different.
Now he has the power to make things different, and the determination and the will. He never again wants to go home to that apartment if Cam isn’t in his room drawing, and if Cadey isn’t there waiting for him.
His loyalty to Jersey is fierce, but his love for his family is greater. He knows that its time, time to step up and make a decision for himself. That’s why he has brought her here.
“I brought this house a few years ago, when I first asked you to move here.” He pauses, taking a moment to try and find the right words. “I looked at heaps of different ones, but when I saw this one, I could see us living here. I could see Cam and you being here and calling it home. I brought it, but when you said no, I still couldn’t bring my self to sell it. I’ve been renting it out for a little while, and it’s just in-between tenants right now, the last family are still moving their stuff out.”
Unsure what to make of all of this, Cadey stays quiet, her eyes just on Zach’s. Creating a room for Cameron was one thing, buying a huge house and having it for this long is certainly quite another.
“I had this damn daydream,” he continues, now fully stripping his emotions bare, “I have it every time I’m on the plane or the bus or travelling. I’ve run it so many times in my mind that’s it more now a fantasy. It’s where I’d come home from a road trip and I’d open the door and Cam would come running up to greet me, talking about how great the game was, and then you’d come out from the hallway and you’d be there to welcome me home and I’d tell you how much I missed you.”
As her eyes water, Cadey’s hand drops Zach’s to slide over her mouth. She hadn’t expected to hear such a thing from him; she never knew he wanted that. Ever since he left, they never again spoke of plans of being together, or dreams or anything such as he’s just delightfully described. “Zach…..”
“I’m serious Cade; I have it all the time. I might have left to come here, but I’ve never stopped wanting to be with you and Cam, not once in all these years. I thought this was how things were meant to be between us, but now, now I don’t give a shit. I want to be with you Cadey, with you and Cam. It doesn’t matter what we have to do to-”
“Zach, please,” she begs, standing up and wiping her tears. Her heart is aching for him in her chest, and she is terrified that if he continues, she won’t be able to stop herself. She won’t be able to pretend she doesn’t crave the same thing. “Please just stop.”
But Zach doesn’t want to stop, he can’t stop. He has been bottling these feelings up for as long as he can remember, and now the top of the bottle has opened and they are all spilling out.
He holds her upper arms, wanting to hold her attention. She needs to listen, she needs to hear him.
“I love you Cade, I’ve always loved you. There haven’t been any girls in here in Jersey, not like you. You are who I want, not just because of Cameron, but because of you.” He shakes his head unable to track through the next part without sounding like a total sap. He decides he doesn’t care, she needs to know.
“God Cade, your eyes and your smile, your lips and your laugh –just everything about you drives me crazy with hunger. I’m not going to let us waste another minute not being together.” His deep eyes lock with hers, a dark and determined colour. “I mean it Cade. I don’t care what I have to do for us. I’ve done some thinking, and I want to sign with the Wild for next season. I want to come home, home to you and Cam, if that’s what you want too.”
Tears stream down her face, and if it weren’t for Zach’s grip on her arms she would feel for sure that she is dreaming.
“I’ll do it Cadey, if that’s okay with you -then I’ll do it. Just tell me.”
“Of course I want you Zach, but what do you want?” she sobs, “I don’t want to give you ultimatums. Jersey is your home.”
“It’s not my home, it’s just been where I’ve been living,” he corrects. “My home is where ever you and Cam are. I want to be with you,” he answers clearly, his only true want in the whole world. “As much as I can -for forever. I want to wake up next to you in the morning and I want to come home to you at night. I want to hold you in my arms again, and I want you in bed beside me everyday. I want to come home to you and Cam and I want you Cade, anyway that you’ll give me. I don’t care, as long as we are together.”
“I don’t……I don’t even know what to say Zach…” she admits.
He slips his hands to her waist and gets her in close, grazing her across him. “You don’t have to say anything Cade, you can just nod or blink or something.”
She looks up at him, wondrously for a moment, before a smile shies over her face, a rainbow through the rain of her tears. He mirrors it, and she begins to nod her head, slowly at first, then furiously.
He leans in and kisses her, fiercely working his mouth at hers, reinforcing his words. They back up against the wall and she parts her lips further, feeling him press against her and she lets herself get lost in it, let’s herself fly away to the magical places that only Zach has ever been able to take her, and then, she pulls away.
Their faces stay close, foreheads touching, and her breath is warm on her face when she speaks.
“Do you think…do you really think we can do this Zach? That we can make this work?”
Staying true to his honesty so far, he shrugs. “I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell never going to give up. I love you Cadey.”
It’s all she needs to hear, the magic words to handing back over her guarded heart, though she’s not completely sure that Zach ever stopped having ownership of it to begin with.
“I love you too Zach,” she replies before they entwine again, avidly letting their lips translate their passion.

***
Three Months Later:
While at Travis’s having lunch with his family, Zach and Cadey sit together with Zach’s arms draped around her, hugging her to him as tightly as she is hugging around his torso. At several points during the meal he lowers his head and kisses his lips to her head, simply because he can. Cadey returns the favour by kissing his chest and Travis makes plenty of playful snipes about the two of them being similar to vomit-inducing love-sick teenagers.
In response they just grin, knowing that the best part is that that is exactly how they feel, like the young adults they were when they first got together. Even after three months of being back together, every kiss is still as enthralling as their very first, and every touch still as special.
“Engaged huh?” Travis teases, “After only three months. Wow, you kids move fast.”
Cadey and Zach laugh and share a look, then let their eyes drift to the lounge, where Cam is playing and drawing at a smaller table with Travis’s young son, focusing all his attention on trying very patiently to try and teach Zenon how to colour.
They both remember the last time they were in Jersey, and how much they’ve been through since.
Getting back together wasn’t the biggest hurdle, that all came afterwards. Cadey had felt bad about the further adversity that had been presented before them, but Zach just preferred to call it all ‘stepping stones’.
He had copped flack in the media for electing to not re-sign with the Devils, and instead signing with Minnesota. But he hadn’t been put off, he knew what he wanted, and knew that it was worth it in the long run. It was fair enough that some people didn’t understand it, and without knowing his full story, Zach didn’t expect them to.
Fortunately he had received calls of support from a lot of his friends across the league, mostly the ones who knew what Minnesota held for him besides the game of hockey. Travis was especially supportive, sad to being losing his best friend, but glad to see Zach far happier than he ever has.
There is a huge twinkle back in his eye and real joy back on his face, and it makes Travis ecstatic for him.
Of course Zach wasn’t the only one who had had to break some tough news; Cadey had had to make a trip to Jackson when they’d returned, one that was less than pleasant. To his credit, Jackson had taken it well, which had made it all that harder. The hurt on his face had been clear and had cracked at Cadey’s heart, but his final words were supportive of it, only for what it meant for Cam.
“I am so sorry for doing this to you,” Cadey had apologised when she had gone to his house to see him. “You’re a lovely guy Jackson, and you deserved a lot better. It isn’t you, please don’t ever think that.”
“Don’t tell me that Cade,” he had replied roughly. “It is me, isn’t it? I’m not him. I’m not your first love, the father of your child. I’m not Zach Parise, and that’s the problem.”
Unwilling and unable to argue it any further, Cadey bowed out. “I’m sorry Jackson.”
He had continued staring hard at his bottle of beer, and it wasn’t until the very split second before she walked out the door that he spoke. “I wish I could say that I’m happy for you,” he said, “But I cant right now. I just hope that Cam is happy with it, he deserves this.”
Noah was a tougher kettle of fish, refusing to speak to Cadey for the last few months, actually not until Zach had signed the deal and helped moved Cam and Cadey into his home, putting Cadey’s on the market. He had made a surprise appearance at their engagement party though; taking the happy couple aside to congratulate them, revealing that he never seriously thought that Zach would make such bold moves to be with Cadey again. He still isn’t thrilled about it, saying Zach has a lot to prove yet but Zach and Cadey are hopeful, knowing that with the wedding date not set yet, there is plenty of time from him to come around.
“So when does Cam get the other half of his wish, a little brother or sister?” Travis asks as he sips from his cup, his eyes grilling them.
They’ve talked about it, about their future, a hell of a lot. They have some plans, but the plan for right now just involves them being happy and enjoying themselves, happy to have each other. That’s why they haven’t yet set a wedding date, a fact which nags constantly at both of their mothers, who seemed to want to start planning the event right from when their children told them the news.
Their fathers are both calmer about it, understanding that they are first making up for lost time. Time is something they have endless amounts of now and the future is looking particularly bright, with every morning and day shared and Zach’s parents extremely thankful that they will be able to view a lot more of his games.
Of course Cam was the most pleased with his parents decisions, running around screaming for joy when they had gotten everything in place and sat him down to tell him that they were moving in to Zach’s Minnesota house, and that Zach would be there with them.
For a while he had been contented and overjoyed just at having them both under the same roof again, and with his new room, which Zach and Cadey had been careful to perfectly execute, recreating the one from Jersey.
Then once the family dinners and hang outs became the norm, he had started the ‘little brother or sister’ encouraging again, arguing that he wanted someone to play with and look after.
Not rushing anything, Cadey and Zach had brought him a dog, a cute puppy that he is now completely besotted with, teaching it tricks and always patting and cuddling it.
“We got him a dog, so he’s holding off on the baby front, at least for now,” Cadey laughs.
“There’s only a month left till training camp, what are you guys doing for the rest of the summer?”
Like there’s a special secret, Zach and Cadey swap huge sappy grins.
“We are going to Fiji just for a little break,” Zach answers, “Cadey’s always wanted to go there and I made a promise to her a long time ago to take her travelling in the off season.”
“Fiji huh? You guys better not be planning some super secret shot-gun wedding or anything.”
“No, nothing like that, I promise,” Zach laughs, shaking his head. “I think Tara might actually murder us if we did that.”
His eye catches Cadey’s and she beams a smile.
Tara had given the most surprise reaction of all, first upset with Cadey, if only for not being honest with her about how she was feeling. Then that had slowly faded and she was able to be happy for her friend, seeing her bounce in to work with more spring in her step and bliss on her face than she’d ever seen from her, day after day.
Like Noah, she still had some reservations, but she was so pleased to see Cadey so insanely happy that she was able to drop all of her preconceived notions. And Zach had thoroughly won her over after she saw how perfectly content Cadey and Cam were with having him there with them.
She is now on board with their mothers’ in wanting to plan the wedding, and Cadey has secret plans to let her. As far as she is concerned, as long as Cam is there at the end of the isle beside his father, the two of them waiting for her, Cadey could care less what colour scheme there is or who is sitting at what table.
She hadn’t even thought of a wedding until Zach had proposed, telling her that he wanted to do to something he should have done a long time ago, and make her his wife, vow to her the rest of his life as he is positive she is the only one he will ever need. The thought of calling him her husband had done it for Cadey, and she had of course said yes.
Once upon a time they had been young adults, only able to dream about what the future had in store for them, never really knowing for sure whether they would be together.
Now they are adults, adults who have a wonderful little boy and the whole future laid out before them, filled with possibilities.
And it’s no longer a topic that Cadey shies from.
If they know anything for sure, it’s that whatever comes or happens, they will have each other. Always.