Without You

Jackson McAdams was a local man, fresh to Minnesota last year. He was a highly respectable man, with polished manners and a rugged handsomeness also. He ran the local auto shop in the area, and coached the community soccer team. He had met Cadey through means of Cameron, as he was Cam’s soccer coach last year.
If he were being honest, he knew he had wanted Cadey from the moment he saw her. She wasn’t a super model, and she didn’t wear flash clothes or treat practices and games days as a chance to flaunt in front of him like some of the other mothers did. Her beauty was discrete, better seen up close and in person, but it far outweighed that of anyone else Jackson had seen in his life time.
He remembered that first amazing moment when Cameron had dragged her from the sideline to meet him, and she had followed along tentatively, and then looked up at him with those echoing green eyes and he felt for sure that his heart stopped beating for a grand number of minutes.
It had been a painstaking season, seeing her on the sidelines at every game and after every practice. Jackson had tried every trick in the book to convince her to give him a chance, just one date, but she had refused politely, immune to his charms until just after New Years, when he had offered to baby sit Cam so she could go out for her birthday, January 5th. Cam begged and pleaded her to agree, he loved spending time with Jackson, learning from him and bonding, the closest thing he had to a stable and ever-present male role model besides his grandfathers’. His friends continuously bragged at school of fixing things with their fathers, playing catch or building toy helicopters, and Cam had always felt a little jealous. But he got along with Jackson like a house on fire, and relished their time together.
So, trusting him, Cadey had gone out with her best friend Tara that night, and then returned to Jackson’s later in the evening to collect Cameron. She had expected it to be quick, maybe a quick chat or something –as she did enjoy their conversations, but Jackson was a romantic, and he never for a second gave up on his pursuit of Cadey. She walked in to find his dinning room table set with rose petals and candles, and a plate of food dished up and ready. His claim was that if he could not bring her to the date, he would bring the date to her. Cam had napped on the couch while they ate, and Jackson had thoroughly won her over.
It was from that night on that they had begun seeing each other properly, a date night every week, on the weekend night that Cameron spent over at his grandparents.
Cadey really liked him, adored his sense of humour, his energy and his connection with Cam, and Jackson knew this, but he also knew of how guarded she kept herself. It was clear to him, through patent observations, and other little titbits, that Cameron’s father was not fully in the picture. It made Jackson wonder what had happened, but it was never something he asked about, Cadey simply stating that it was a very long and complicated story. He got the feeling that it wasn’t as long or complicated as she claimed, but never pushed it. Things between the two of them had been moving slowly, but he cherished the time that he got with both her and Cam, his favourite part of any day.
He thought it funny when she didn’t answer her cell phone, but he let it go and headed out to the local bar with his friends.

Back at Cadey’s house, both her cell phone and Jackson were the last things on her mind. Her body was caught in some weird sort of fever, always her reaction to Zach’s presence. Her stomach felt squelchy and her throat was dry, her heartbeat irregular. It continuously surprised her every summer that he could still do this to her, even with the gaps of time between being face to face like this.
She stood at the bench, flanking her face with the open cupboard, as she rummaged through it for a coffee cup. She figured coffee was a good way to start, a more suitable beverage than wine for this occasion. Zach sat at the table with Cam, who was taking great delight in showing his father his prized drawing collection. It had become habit of him to work his way through colouring books, using his imagination and creativity to take a simple drawing and colour to an master piece, or maybe that was just Cadey’s view as a proud mother.
With all the distraction, it had slipped her mind that she didn’t have even one pinch of coffee in her house. She was never really one for it anyway, the taste too strong, and Cameron had a slightly unhealthy attachment to Milo, one that had transcended to her. But she took the opportunity to do some quick deep breathing exercises, before she shared this with Zach.
“Sorry, I just remembered that we don’t have any coffee.”
“It’s alright,” Zach smiled up at her, “You were never one for the taste of it, so I kinda figured.”
She bit down on her bottom lip; confining the question she had on the tip of her tongue, but Zach saw it, still able to read her so impeccably well.
“Things can change,” he shrugged.
Things can change? Well wasn’t that just the epitome of their relationship, the by-line, the summary. Six years ago, they would have been going at each other in the back seat of Zach’s truck and now here they were, sitting awkwardly around Cadey’s small kitchen table with their son.
Their relationship had been a short but sure-fire one, which consisted of late nights and untouchable closeness, Cadey’s mother always joking that the two of them were joint at the hip, always having a part of one touching the other, whether it be Zach cuddling her into his arms while watching TV or their arms along side each others as they ate at the kitchen bench.
It was quite ironic when you think about it, that their summers are now spent sharing time with their son, when it was for one summer that they were together, their relationship intense, but fleeting.
There was a time after Cadey found she was pregnant, where she longed for those summer nights back. For Zach’s arms around her, for his body in the bed next to her, and his lips warming her neck. But instead, she slept in her lonely bed, cuddling her baby bump and whispering to it.
“Your daddy loves you,” she would tell the small, growing baby inside, “And I love you too. We might not be together anymore, but I promise to make sure that we are both always in your life.”
The notion of her luck of having two supportive and loving parents in her life wasn’t lost on her, and that was what she has always longed to give Cameron. It was a fact she keeps in mind when Zach comes back every summer, and one she clings to whenever it comes time for him to leave again. She is always left to deal with Cameron’s emotions when his father leaves, but she makes it through, reminding herself of what it gives Cam, reminding herself that it’s worth it. Her family and friends question her, as to how she can let Zach drift in and out seemingly with the breeze, but she doesn’t feel that there is a choice.
“Oh, oh can we Mom?!” Cameron cheers, bringing her out of her trip down memory lane.
She looks to see both him and Zach staring at her, waiting in anticipation of her answer. She swallows thickly, unsure as to what she will or will not be committing to.
“He wants me to take him to that new Disney movie that’s out tomorrow,” Zach clarifies, reading her again.
She wanted to say no, to remind Cameron of their plan to see it together, but she saw the hope in both of their eyes, and couldn’t do it.
“That sounds great,” she answers.
“How about we just go tomorrow day and I can just miss school?”
“I’ve already told you that you’re not going to miss any school Cameron Parise,” Cadey warned. “You can go to the movies after school.”
“Fine,” Cameron sulked.
“Will you pick him up from here or school?”
“OH School! School, Dad please!” Cameron begged.
Cadey rolled her eyes, unable to compete with Zach in her son’s eyes.
“How about from here?” Zach suggested, wanting to avoid any potential awkward conversations with any of Cam’s teachers or the school kids Moms. “How’s that sound?”
“Great.”

With there being a coffee shortage, Cadey poured both males a glass of orange juice and abandoned the table for the lounge room, flicking on the TV and trying to focus on that as Zach and Cameron stayed at the table, bonding and laughing as Cameron showed him how he colours, and Zach tried to imitate it, much to Cameron’s humour.
Hours went by, until Cam’s yawns got closer and closer together, and Zach noticed his soft eye lids fluttering, battling to stay open.
“I think it might be bed time buddy, you’ve got to go to school tomorrow,” Zach pointed out, trying his hand at the instructing father persona.
Cam’s eyes grew about ten sizes and sparkled up at his father, like a puppy’s. “But you only just got here Dad; I want to stay up with you. I want to see you as much as I can.”
Zach smiled, his heart swelling. “I’ll see you tomorrow remember? I’m staying for a long time this summer,” he promised, “So we will hang out heaps. Besides, we can’t have you falling asleep in the movie theatre, can we?”
A melodic chuckle was Cam’s response, gathering his drawing pens and his books into his arms and heading for the hallway.
“Stay here,” He turned back to order his father, “I’ll put my jammies on and when I call, come to my room and you can read me my goodnight book.”
Zach obeyed, at least for the first few minutes, before he crept down to the lounge.
Cadey was nestled on the couch, watching what looked to be an episode of the Kardashians and Zach only just stopped short of laughing aloud -she always did have a thing for trashy reality shows. He stood awkwardly against the wall, his hands in his pockets. He could see that one of the three sisters was at a photo shoot, wearing a tiny bikini. But he let his eyes hover on Cadey, preferring the view of her.
She looked up briefly and smiled to acknowledge him. “Got roped into reading the bedtime story huh?”
He nodded, “Yeah, but I’ll take it. I guess I owe you a few.”
Fuck, a whole lot more than a few, he thought to himself afterward. Luckily though, she just grinned. “Whatever you do, just don’t let him pick ‘Where’s Wally?’ He knows where Wally is on every single page but he pretend he doesn’t just to drag it out. I love your parents, I really do, but that was the worst idea ever.”
“I’ll keep that in mind for his birthday.”
Cadey let the silence fall between them, before she plucked up some courage. “So you’ll be here for that this year then?”
Zach nodded, smiling when he pictured the gift he had in mind for Cam, something Travis had been helping him with back in Jersey. “Yeah, I will be.”
“Good, he will really appreciate that.”
Zach finally made his way to the couch and gently eased himself down, keeping a respectable space between himself and Cadey.
“Are you sure it’s okay for me to take him to the movies tomorrow?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. I just wish he was a little more enthusiastic about school, it worries me that when he’s a teenager I will have to bribe him to go or something,” she laughed. “But seriously, it’s fine. If you ever want to take him somewhere, or do something with him, all you have to do is let me know. Just ask.”
He promised to do so, having had that rule in mind for a long time. He didn’t want to step on her toes, to walk back in and act like he could do whatever he wanted.
His mouth opened to say something more, but Cam appeared at that moment, waving the ‘Where’s Wally’ book. Zach and Cadey shared a look, before Zach broke out into laughter and told him that he would help him pick a different book, his personal favourite, ‘Rainbow Fish’. A book he had brought Cameron on his first birthday.
“Do you still have the copy of that?” he asked Cadey.
“Yeah, it’s in his room on his book shelf. Pride of place.”

-

“Oh really?” Tara asked, eyebrows perched inquisitively.
Cadey didn’t stop bussing about the kitchen, but she did look up at Tara with confusion from the other side of the bench top survery. “Yes, really.”
Tara switched her stance and blew a strand of her hair from her face. “Cause I hear that his father’s back, making an appearance in town,” she said causally.
Cadey sucked back a comment, and focused her anger on the onion she was chopping. “Well yes he is, and kudos to him, but as always, that means nothing to me.”
Tara snorted, “Kudos to him? You sound like my Grandmother when she’s trying to be hip. Please don’t turn into one of those mothers. You’re much better than that. And anyway, I pick you’ve had him over already anyhow, right?”
Cadey sniffled and wiped her eye on her shirt sleeve. Her morning had started long ago, getting Cam up and dropping him to school, before picking up Tara and bringing her back for breakfast, before they had to go to work together.
“He may have dropped by last night, purely just to see Cam. He said he’s staying a lot longer this time.”
“Did he say what he wanted?”
Cadey paused. She stopped and looked up at Tara. “What do you mean, ‘what he wanted’?”
Tara gave her a look that made her feel as if was born yesterday. “Cam’s like how old? Nearly six right? In those six years he’s done little more than make a couple phone calls, send a few birthday cards, visit him and hold the title of biological father. Why stay longer and make more of an effort now? What’s he got to gain?”
Tara didn’t know Zach, having come into Cadey’s life in the post-Zach romance era, but though she had never met him, she always made a point of sharing her detest when his name came up. She was a strongly opinionated person and the type who said straight up how she felt, and called things as she saw them –and she felt she had seen enough of Zach’s actions to judge him.
Cadey was her best friend, but she was weakened when it came to matters of Zach, and Tara felt the need to be her backbone.
Cadey thought about it and felt her eyebrows knit together. “I don’t know, but maybe you could give him a little more credit Tar, he does spend time with Cam.”
“Oh yeah, for the usual two or so months that he can drag himself back home he actually slips into the ‘daddy’ role. I should give it up to him for that. That’s really good of him isn’t it? To make an appearance for a few months out of twelve while you’re here for Cam twenty four fucking seven. Don’t tell me he needs more credit Cade; he comes when it suits him.”
Cadey sighed, unable to describe to her friend the tolerance she had for Zach’s career. During their relationship, NHL was all he could talk of, think of, dream about. The pregnancy -she felt it was her fault, it was her who missed her pill that one time.
And one time was all it took, all it took to give her Cam, and loose her Zach.
She wanted to point out that he wasn’t the deadbeat father Tara made him out to be. He sent money every month, he spoke to Cam on Skype every fortnight and in the few months that he did visit, he made sure he and Cam had solid time together.
She was right, he wasn’t here all the time, but he made more of an effort than other fathers of children in Cameron’s grade did, and Cadey could always get by without him anyway.
“So did he tell you why he is staying till so long this time? Does he want more time with Cam? Because I’m telling you right now that you better not just bend over for him Cade, not now that he is showing a little more interest.”
“He didn’t exactly say, but I guess its cause Cam’s just about raised now. There’s no nappies to change, and……” Realising she was just rambling with random facts; she stopped herself and gave an honest answer. “I don’t actually know really. Maybe it’s a mid life crisis.”
Tara’s eyes in flamed and she leant against the survery. “And you’re just going to let him get away with that?” she asked with distain. “You do all the hard yards and deal with the fall out for years while he gets a life and you’re just going to let him waltz back in and dictate everything?”
Cadey felt backed into a corner. She thought of her relationship with her own father, how positive Cam having more of one with Zach would be, but her hand curled around the knife in anger, subconsciously at hearing Tara’s case.
“It’s important for young boys –for boys in general, to have good relationships with their fathers or strong male role models. Especially as Cam begins school,” Cadey defended.
“And he does have a good relationship, an excellent one, with a male role model, Jackson. Yeah, you know what; I reckon that’s why Zach is rearing his little head. He’s jealous that Cam has such a great relationship with Jackson.”
Cadey almost scoffed. “I’m not even sure he knows about Jackson and I, besides, jealousy isn’t Zach’s style. He knows if he wanted a better relationship with his son, he could have had one all these years. Plus, their relationship isn’t that bad.”
Tara ducked her head and rounded the bench to Cadey, who stood nervously, like Tara was the Grim Reaper coming for her.
“Cade, I hate to remind you, but you know how Cam gets when Zach visits. It’s all crazy happy fun times until he leaves, and then Cam is in moods for weeks on end. One day though he is going to look back and realise what he has missed out on and Zach wont be able to fix that. And while it’s sad, I can’t blame the kid. Jackson has made more of an effort in a year than his own father has in five. It must make him feel unwanted and that’s not fun for anyone.”
Cadey seemed dazed, “Tara, Cam won’t ever hate Zach.”
Tara’s eyes met Cadey squarely. “Honey I didn’t say ‘hate’, I just said Zach won’t be able to fix it. And don’t deny this further. I know you’ve wondered how you and Zach will explain it to him when he seriously asks you guys about it. If I were you, I’d investigate exactly what it is Zach wants or at the very least lay down a very tight law. Not just to protect Cam, but you as well.”

-

“Where is he?” She almost screams, barely glancing over Zach before she shoots past into the lounge.
He doesn’t answer, he doesn’t need to. He turns around and watches a tearful Cadey jump at Cameron and a previous complacent Cameron react by grappling on to her.
Zach wanders over, while the hug continues and Cadey’s breathing regulates. Her fingers rush over and back over his crop of hair, like he’s a doll, a precious, precious doll. “Oh honey, I was so worried. I couldn’t find you at school. And I freaked out.”
“Didn’t Dad tell you he picked me up?”
Cadey pulls back and looks at his young face. There’s no need to have this conversation in front of him. “I guess I forgot. I’m so used to doing it myself.”
“That’s alright Mummy,” Cameron forgives, quickly. “Dad brought me this colour book; it’s got hockey stuff in it. Look,” he says, enthusiastically presenting a certain page to her. “It’s got a puck like the one Daddy plays with. I coloured this picture first. Can I give it to Jackson?”
Cadey ignored her blazing anger for a moment, and let go of her panic. Smiling sweetly at him, she answered, “Sure babe, he’ll love it.”
Cameron grinned from ear to ear and dug his head back in his book, furiously colouring, his tongue wiggling out with concentration, a trait from his father.
She stood from the couch and looked at Zach, who stood with a blast-expecting look on his face and his hand under his chin. “I’m sorry Cadey, I drove past and saw him waiting, and I left like a hundred messages on your cell. I told your Mom as wel-”
Cadey’s icy glare almost frightened him. “Cam, honey do you think you think you could step out in to the dinning room for a moment and let me talk to your Dad?”
At first, Cameron’s second guessing looks and hesitation seemed like he knew what kind of bomb was about to go off. “Can I take the colouring book with me?” he asked, revealing his reasoning.
“Sure,” Cadey and Zach both answered at the same time.
When the door had shut, Cadey stood, fuming, almost plotting her revenge or outlet for her fury.
“Cadey, listen I’m really-”
“No,” she warned darkly, her voice low and gravely with venom, “No. You- you just shut up.”
She paced up and down the carpet as Zach somehow found it easier to bury his tongue.
“This never happens again, okay? Never. All I asked was that you ask me Zach, that’s all I wanted.”
“Cadey come on, I called hundreds of times, I’m sorry, it must have been-”
Her eyes blazed wildly at him as she paused mid step to glare. “No, you have no idea what it was like. That little boy,” she pointed to the door, “He is my whole life. Do you understand that Zach? Oh huh, of course you don’t.” She crept towards him, finger pointing. “Well understand this, everything you do or want to do; it goes through me from now on okay.”
It definitely was not a question. Zach could see how scared she’d actually been to not see Cameron at school; her hand showed she was still shaking with shock. While he felt bad, he couldn’t ignore how nice it was to have an afternoon with Cameron.
“I can respect how much he means to you Cadey, I truly can. But please remember he is-”
“He’s what? He’s your son? Because trust me, I know you’re his father. I’m reminded every year on his birthday when he asks why his Dad isn’t here or when he’s grumpy and sulky when you go back to Jersey. And maybe that’s because I’m always picking up the fucking pieces of Cameron’s heart. It’s been almost years Zach, six, and now you want to play the ‘Daddy Card’? Fuck no. If you want back in now that it suits, you play by my rules.”
Zach opened his mouth in protest, but before words could quite come out, Cadey’s voice boomed. “And before you spin me some shit about unfair, you remember that I make this easy for you, yeah? I let you come and go as you please and all I want in return is honesty, a heads up about what you want to do.”
Cadey hadn’t known she was so angry, she didn’t know where that small blast of resentment had just come from. But it was a mix of her shock at thinking she had lost Cam, and a little piece of it was Tara’s words from earlier.
Zach found his anger just as quickly in return though. “Honesty, Cade? You want to talk about honesty? How about we talk about who the fuck ‘Jackson’ is then?”
“He is Cameron’s fucking soccer coach you asshole!” she shouted. “Are you the only one of us that gets to have a bloody life?”
That shut him up, quick than anyone could blink.
Worried at how much Cam could hear, even with the door shut, Cadey asked for a minute to collect herself, and slunk away to the bathroom.

Zach had brought a house in Minnesota, one that he had walked past on the way to school every day as a young child, and dreamed of living in.
Honestly, besides the rink, that house was his favourite place in the world. When Cadey had turned down his offer of a house in New Jersey, he had suggested she live in his one. But again, she refused. At the time, she knew that Zach would leave come training camp, and she wanted to learn to be self dependant, knowing she would need to be. Her parents had wanted to help her, but again, she refused yet another out stretched hand. Until her brother gave her an offer she couldn’t refuse. Quite literally.
Noah Parker was three years old than Cadey, and her only sibling. He moved to New York soon after high school, and made lots of money as a freelance photographer. He had gotten picked up by someone well acclaimed, who paid mega dollars to have his photos in a gallery. He brought Cadey the quaint and homey little three bedroom house in Minnesota, wanting to buy better but knowing he had better chance of her accepting it if the gesture was less extravagant.
While Cadey was at work one day, he took of all her and baby Cameron’s things to the house, and moved her in, taking away her choice, her option to refuse it as she had done to everyone trying to help.
Cadey had been surprised at Noah’s generosity, but also thoroughly touched. As a single mother, having her own house paid off and free to her was extraordinary. When Cameron was one though, she started back to work part time, easing herself back in. She sent money to her brother every week that she could afford to, which with Zach paying for things for Cameron, was almost every week. Noah was a smart and a wealthy man though, and set the money she sent in to a separate bank account, one for Cameron’s future college tuition.
Noah was on the same boat as Tara, the ‘Against Zach Parise’ one. He was more responsive to Zach being in his child’s life, but he had been against the relationship since the very beginning.
That summer long ago when Cadey had announced she was seeing Zach, Noah had been disappointed in her. He knew Zach was due to the NHL, to his draft team of the Devils, at any point in the coming season and that was precisely his reason for his distrust. He had heard stories; some first hand and some second, of what life was like for young men in the NHL and that had terrified him when it came to his sister. Cadey hadn’t ever really dated before Zach, but Noah was extremely protective of her.
“He will leave Cadey, at any minute he will get the call and have to go,” he had warned her. “You know that don’t you? He will go and you will still be here.”
Cadey had shrugged it off, but Noah wanted to make his point of warning, regardless of the harsh form it had to come in.
“There are plenty of girls in Jersey Cade; do you think he’ll be faithful, being a young well-known face? Do you seriously think you can do the long-distance?”
“We haven’t committed to each other beyond tomorrow, Noah. No one is even thinking that far ahead. Whatever happens will happen.”
“This isn’t some sweet version of ‘The Notebook’ Cade, that movie wasn’t real. It’s not some summer love that’s going to stay around forever.”
“Like I said,” Cadey had repeated, “We haven’t committed. Whatever happens, happens.”
And what did happen was Cadey getting pregnant, a month before Zach had to go, a child being probably the biggest commitment possible.
Cadey thought about it all now, as she sat in Zach’s parent’s bathroom and cried, still shaking with fear. She had never lost Cam, not ever once in his whole life. Not accidentally gotten separated at the mall or lost in a big crowd. Never.
It had shocked her to her core to not find him at school this afternoon, and though she had known that Zach might have him, the thought was very little comfort until she had Cameron back in her arms.
It had been foolish of her to get pregnant, even by accident, and part of her had been furious with herself at letting it happen. But ever since she first saw Cam’s little body on the ultrasound, her whole world had changed. For the last six plus years, every breath she took, was for Cam. Everything she did was for her little boy. Even on cold and dark nights when she was tired and saw, her bones aching and her body so tired and drained she could barely function, when Cam cried for her she had rolled up out of bed and picked him up from his crib, rocking him gently until he fell back asleep.
Cameron Michael Parise was her sole purpose for living, and to think she had lost him, or that he was scared and alone or in any danger for even a second, had been an unbearable thought.

Running a hand through his hair and shaking his head, Zach tried to get himself together, before heading through to the dinning room, hoping Cam hadn’t heard his harsh exchange of words.
“Hey buddy, how’s it going?” he smiled, joining Cameron at the kitchen table.
“Okay,” he shrugged. “I got bored so I drew my own picture.”
He spun the piece of paper he had been labouring over around to his father, so Zach could see it the right way up.
As coincidence would have it, Cameron had drawn a beautiful big house, a spectacular portrait of himself, and smaller versions of his mother and father, all inside.
At a loss for words, Zach just smiled.
“It’s you and me and Mommy,” Cam took the liberty of explaining, thinking Zach’s silence was due to him not understanding it. “All at the house, having dinner. Can we do that one night while you’re here? My friend Dustin at school says his Mom and Dad and him all have dinner every night, and they say a grace before they eat. But I get super hungry, so maybe we can skip the grace part.”
Zach grinned and pulled his son in for a hug, and kissed his head, thanking god for him. “I think that would be great if we all had dinner one night. I’ll talk to your Mom about it. Hey Cam, I really, really love this picture. Can I keep it?”
Cam loved the thought of his father having it, and agreed. Zach stuck it on his parent’s fridge for now, vowing to take it with him to his actual Minnesota home in the weekend. He had wanted to go there straight away, but his mother had begged him to stay with them just for a few days, moaning that she never got to see quite enough of her stellar sons.
“Are we still going to the movies tonight?”
Zach didn’t know, unsure as to whether Cadey would let him take Cam out of her sight.
“It’s okay if we don’t,” Cam sighed, “I know Mommy’s mad, I heard her use her angry voice. The same one as when she tells me I have to eat my vegetables or I don’t get dessert.”
So he had heard, at least part of the heated conversation.
“She’s not mad Cam, she’s just scared. When she went to pick you up from school and didn’t see you she thought something bad might have happened, and that made her sad. It was my fault, I should have made sure she knew that I picked you up.”
Zach peered into Cam’s eyes, but saw Cam still felt uncomfortable, wondering whether he was equally to blame for upsetting his mother.
“She loves you so much Cam-”
“I know,” he interrupted, getting down from the table. “I want to see her. I don’t like it when Mommy cries. It makes my eyes wet too. Even when she says they are happy tears, like when you called before you got here.”
Dumbfounded at the news that he had made Cadey cry just by calling to let her know he was coming back into town, Zach let Cam slip off to the bathroom. His sad gaze fell to the picture on the fridge, and he felt sick.
He had thought that this summer was ‘the’ summer, one where he could strengthen his relationship with Cam, and have the close one that he wanted. He had planned to dedicate his time to him, and be the father he really wanted to be. Part of his plan had him and Cadey on better, far more closer terms by the end of it, maybe bringing the two most important people in his life back to Jersey with him before camp, and being able to have the family he wanted. But he could see now that that was a far off fantasy, a dream. And as far as he was concerned, by getting Cam and being captain of an NHL team, god had already granted him his fair share of wishes.

“Just a minute,” Cadey called in response to whoever was knocking on the door. She wiped her eyes with some toilet paper, before flushing it and making sure she looked presentable, or at least able to put on a front.
“It’s me Mommy,” Cam replied.
Cadey opened the door, saw the sad look on his face and swooped him up into her arms. She knew first hand that there was nothing worse than seeing your mother cry, much like hers had when she found out she was pregnant. Cam gripped her tightly, his arms around her neck like when he was little. He had grown a lot since needing her to carry him to get places, but he somehow always fit perfectly.
“Daddy didn’t mean to make you sad,” he offered, “He was just trying to help. He called you lots and lots of times. But I was so excited to go to the movies that I told him to just go. I’m sorry Mom, I know you like picking me up. We didn’t mean to scare you.”
Cadey clutched him tighter, wondering what she had done in a past life to deserve a child as wonderful as Cameron.
“Its okay baby, I was just over reacting. I was just being silly. Do you still want to go to the movies? I think that would be fun for you.”
Cam pulled his face back and again, smoothed his hands over her teary cheeks. “Only if you come with us.”
Cadey opened her mouth to argue, but Cameron’s hand clasped over it. “I want you to come to Mommy. Me, you and Dad. But no more crying okay? Not even if the movie is really funny and they are happy tears.”
She nodded her head to agree, and saluted him like a solider, given her orders. Cam kissed her cheek as she carried him through to the dinning room, where Zach was still sitting at the table.
“Ready for the movies?” she asked him, prepared to forgive him, knowing she was in the wrong also.
“You still want to go?”
She nodded, smiling at him. “Corporal Cameron Parise here has given me my orders, telling me I am required to join the two of you. Would that be okay?”
Surprised at her change of manner, Zach nodded profusely. “That would be great.”
She sat Cameron down on the ground and instructed him to collect the rest of his colouring pencils from his grandparents lounge room before they go.
When he was gone, Cadey turned bashfully to Zach. “I’m sorry for what I said before, I was out of line. Way out of line.”
Zach stood and shook his head. “It was my fault to begin with. I knew I shouldn’t have left until I knew for sure that you had gotten my messages.”
“Look at us,” Cadey chuckled awkwardly, “It thought this stuff was meant to get easier as the child gets older, but it would seem its getting harder. It was easier when Cam was a baby, we barely ever fought.”
“We didn’t really fight when we were together either,” Zach replied, “I never liked fighting with you. And now I remember why.”
She was about to ask, when Cameron popped back up, pulling on their pant legs in an excited attempt to get to the theatre faster. As they followed him out of the house, Zach and Cadey’s hands met, and held each others. His heart thumped loud and violently in his chest, enthralled, as always, with the touch of her skin to his.
“Zach,” she asked quietly as they headed to his truck, “We will figure out this ‘separated co-parenting’ thing one day wont we?”
Zach sucked a breath of the cold evening air in. “Yeah,” he replied, “One day.”
Again like earlier, Zach felt deflated, sure that he had already met his quota, when it came to life’s blessings.