Without You

Cameron Michael Parise. Cadey & Zach never gave much thought to the name that they would give their son, not even while Cadey was pregnant. Cadey's mother believed that you couldn’t foresee what the child was going to look like, so she had waited. But the minute she saw Cam’s beautiful tiny face, there was no doubt that Cameron was the only name that was ever going to be appropriate for her child. Michael came as his middle name, in honour of her father. He already had Parise as his last name, so Cadey wanted to give him an ode to her family. Cam had many nicknames, from many different people in his life, but Cameron Michael Parise was always the name that suited him best, there was just nothing else.
Sitting in the dark movie theatre, Cadey watches her son’s face, enjoying the changes in it as the movie takes different twists and turns.
She remembers the moment she had first seen his face, when the midwife had handed him over.
There was nothing, nothing at all, more beautiful or powerful than that moment, nothing in the world. Her friends and family saw her as such a strong woman, working a job and raising a child, all by herself. They commended her for her wonderful ability to make it all work, and for her dedication. Zach’s parents gave her a lot of compliments, so regularly that she barley noticed anymore, didn’t even blush. She had at first believed that they were just appreciative of the fact that she didn’t make it difficult for Zach to see his son, something that was within her power to do so, but in truth, Zach’s parents adored the job Cadey was doing with Cam, raising such a fine young man.
“You are the strongest person we know Cadey,” they told her, “But if you need any help, just ask. We are only a phone call away.”
But honestly, Cadey didn’t consider herself the strongest person they knew. Their son was. Cadey knew Zach was the strongest person she had ever come across, and would ever come across. From the moment she had held Cam in her arms, she had known she could never bear to ever be separated from him.
But Zach, Zach somehow had the strength to walk away from him at the end of every summer, and that was incomprehensible to Cadey.
She peaks her head up, turning her gaze further to Zach, occupying the seat next to Cam on the other side. He looks up at the same time, with shiny popcorn grease lips, and they share a smile.
If you were to ask Cadey if she loves Zach, she would tell you yes, that he is the father of her child, her first love. But if you ask if she is in love with him, the answer would be much harder to formulate. She doesn’t know. She knows the weird feelings she gets just before he arrives, and when he is here. She remembers the feeling she had, and the ones that he gave her, while they were together, and still feels the power of them. But that gives her no absolute answer.
For Zach, the answer of the question reversed will always be a yes. He has never stopped loving Cadey, not for one day over the past so many years.
Her brother had thought of him as an immature young trouble-some star, but Zach had fought to disprove him. During that summer, the one they were together, he never once laid a hand on her that she was not comfortable with, and he never once treated her poorly. Most of their time had at first been spent hanging out and getting to know each other, getting closer and closer.
But eventually, Cadey hadn’t just given him one gift, the one of Cameron; she also gave him one before that –the gift of her virginity.
Zach remembered that night as if it were yesterday, how she breezed into his room with tears in her eyes, how he swept her into his chest and held her there as he kissed her forehead and asked what was wrong.
He had been lying in bed just relaxing, comfortable in only his underwear and track pants, his parents and his brother out at some event that he couldn’t –and didn’t care to remember the name of. She had tearfully retold the story of an argument with her brother, one that centred around him. Zach had felt bad, and apologised, to which Cadey hushed him.
“It’s not your fault, he’s just weary of me, he always has been. He just doesn’t get it.”
“Get what?” he asked.
Cadey had turned her head away from him, but Zach determinedly brought it back, curling his fingers underneath her chin and gently tilting it until her eyes met his. “He doesn’t get what we are Zach. He doesn’t get how this feels between us. He doesn’t know what love with someone is.”
“Is that what this is? Are we in love?”
Cadey’s eyes had flashed cold again.
“Because I love you Cade,” Zach admitted to her, finally getting it off of his chest. “I love you.”
Cadey said no more, just reached her hand up to his face and held it, before moving in for a sweet and slow kiss. Somewhere amongst the sweet and slowness, a fierce passion had appeared, and ignited. Things moved quickly from there, Cadey snaking her hand up Zach’s shirt, drifting so slowly and extensively over his well conditioned hockey body. Zach returned the favour, his warm fingers feeling her through her bra.
But Cadey wanted more, they both did. She fell back on to the bed, and pulled Zach over her. Ever the gentleman, once Cadey had told him what she wanted, whispered it in his ear as he moved over her, he made sure she was certain.
He had reminded her that if she was willing to take this next step with him, it would involve her giving him a piece of herself; a piece she wouldn’t ever get back.
But she was sure, surer than anything else at that moment, and so they had made love, Zach careful and sweet with her, making sure she was comfortable and constantly asking if she was okay. At one point, she had laced her fingers in his hair and brought his face close to hers, sealing her lips to his in a bid to quieten him.
It had been amazing, as far as first times go, and Cadey felt more loved than she ever had before. She had slept that night, curled against Zach, still tangled among his sheets, and just before he fell asleep, she had looked him dead in the eyes and told her she loved him too, and then sweetly kissed his nose, something they came to refer to as ‘A Cadey kiss’.
After that night, they hadn’t spent another one apart for a large majority of the rest of their summer.
Here in the movie theatre now, Zach almost feels distraught with how painfully different it all is nowadays.
Each summer he comes back it gets harder and harder, especially as Cameron gets older. He knows that some day in the near future Cam will ask why his parents aren’t together, and though he’s given it much thought, Zach knows he can give no answer. Everything had gotten so messy after they learned Cadey was pregnant, so many things happened in such quick succession that it was all like a blur, and this is where they are now.
Sitting in a movie theatre with their son, smiling at each other as no doubt the thoughts of what different uses they had had for this local theatre, years ago, came to both of their minds.

On the drive back to Zach’s parents to collect Cadey’s car, Cameron fell asleep, warn out from the days events and induced into his slumber by the darkened movie theatre and night sky. Zach offered to drive Cadey straight home, so that she and Cameron could get some sleep, rather than prolonging it with the change of vehicles. Cadey didn’t have work the next day, so she agreed, thanking Zach.
As his truck comes to a stop in her drive way she unlocks her seat belt, but Zach has got Cameron sweetly in his arms before she can even open her passenger door. They walk to the front step, the sensor light flicking on at their presence like a spotlight. Before she unlocks her door, Cadey takes a moment to take in the picture of Zach carrying Cam in his big arms, Cam’s little hands wrapped around his neck. Equally as mesmerised, but by the peaceful beauty of his son while asleep, Zach looks over Cam’s face, and smiles to himself, before he cuddles him closer to his chest. He looks up to see Cadey smiling wondrously.
“What?” he asks, chuckling.
“Nothing,” she replies, a sweet look on her face. “It’s just goddamn cute to see you holding him like that. I almost want to take a photo.”
“You don’t need to Cade,” Zach replies, “I told you, I’m here for the whole summer, remember?”
“I remember, I’m just waiting until you double triple swear it.”
Zach grins, remembering their old tradition. “And seal it with a Cadey kiss?”
She shrugs. “If you want to.”
“Well, it is proper etiquette right?” Zach stands straighter and uses his hand that isn’t bracing Cameron, to salute her. “I, Zachary Justin Parise, solemnly double triple swear to be here for the whole summer. And should I break this legally binding promise, I shall have to be Cadey’s servant for a whole twenty four hours, no matter what her request.”
A rosy red blush creeps into Cadey’s cheeks as she remembers her tipsy state when she had first conjured the idea of the ‘double triple swear’ and the exact actions she had made Zach carry out last time he broke one, in order to redeem himself.
He remembers too, and his lips pull into the biggest smile not caused by Cameron, that Cadey has seen from him in a long time. His body moves close to hers as he leans in to kiss her, his lips so soft on her nose.
If there was one thing Zach had always been with her, it was gentlemanly, emphasis on the gentle. Taking out the sting of how things ended, Cadey only remembers every moment of her relationship with Zach to be simply precious but also wildly enthralling. Even now as his lips touch her nose, it causes a whole rabble of butterflies to take flight in her stomach, and she’s almost ashamed to think that if Cam wasn’t been between them, her body may have reacted far more inappropriately.
“So am I good now?” he asks, his sweet brown eyes shinning at her under the light.
“You’re good Zach,” she answers, “You’ve always been good.”
She turns to unlock the door, and pushes it open, but before she can step through, Zach’s hand reaches out and grabs her arm.
“Do you know how good you are Cade?”
Her eyes hover on him for a moment, trying to predict where this is going and the manner his words are meant in. “Zach-”
“No, seriously, I mean raising Cam, taking care of him and working, then…the way you just are so mature and cool with me coming back every summer like this. You’re good Cade, your better than good. You’re amazing.”
“Thanks,” she smiles, “But I’m a mommy, it’s what I do. I’m just doing my job.”
They both quickly feel the instantaneous awkward onslaught of her comment, and it hangs heavy and thick in the air between them.
“Shit,” she curses, “I’m so sorry Zach, I didn’t mean it like that –not to say you’re not doing your job, I just meant-”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Zach assured her, shrugging it off. “I have no qualms or delusions about the father I’ve been so far, or lack of such I guess. I haven’t been here for Cam, or for you, and that’s not fair. But I’m here Cade, and I’m trying to do a better job. Things will be different, I promise you.”
Cadey feels a familiar ache in her chest, one that doesn’t usually invade her until Zach leaves back to Jersey. She struggles to place the reasoning for it, until she looks at Zach’s earnest face and it dawns on her. He said, ‘for Cam or for you’. That’s what’s giving her these feelings, -her inclusion. Her mind wanders to places she knows it shouldn’t, -does he mean he will be here for her now too? In what sort of way -the way she dreams of? Or the way that would be appropriate?
Watching her face blank and thinking he has made her uncomfortable, Zach backtracks. “I’ll be here all summer Cadey, anything you need or any time you want some time alone or to go out with friends or anything, just tell me. I’ve been rude, making you do this by yourself for so long. But I’m here now, for both of you.”
His words came from a sweet and genuine part of him, of the person that Zach Parise was, but for some reason, Cadey finds herself wanting to cry. She quickly nods at him and then presses ahead, inside the house.
Zach follows behind, carrying Cam to his bedroom while Cadey fixes herself a glass of water at the sink to hide her emotion.

In the bedroom, Zach balances Cam expertly, as he peels back the bed sheets, as if he’s carried this sleeping child from the car to bed a million times before, and he wishes he had.
He wasn’t lying before, the notion of what a half-ass father he has been isn’t lost on him, haunting his dreams and riddling him with constant guilt.
There are times, when he looks up in to the crowds at his games, or gets home from road trips, and wishes Cadey and Cam could be there with him, and usually while he sleeps on the plane, it’s a day dream he frequently indulges himself in. He pictures walking off the plane, saying a quick goodbye to the guys before walking straight to his truck, wanting to get home. And every time, in each dream, he drives home in a blur, gets to his door, and opens it to find Cam rushing at his legs, hugging himself against him and chirping on about the goal that he scored last night. Cadey always wanders over from the hallway at that point, wearing what –it doesn’t matter- her beautiful face smiling at him shyly. Like it’s a gracious and perfected routine, he scoops up Cam, kisses his head, and ruffles his hair, discussing a few points of the game with him, but mostly just sharing his joy at being home to see him again. Then Cam jumps down to go and retrieve something and Zach loops his way over to Cadey, taking her in his arms, relishing the feel of her against him.
“Good game,” she congratulates him, always, regardless of whether the fantasy deals him a win or loss.
“Who cares,” he responds, “I'm just glad to be home, I missed you and Cam so much.”
Then he pulls her in for a kiss, but like painfully consistent clock work, his dream always ends before his lips can touch hers.
It’s a dream, a movie inside his head that Zach has seen so many hundreds of times, running it back and forth behind his closed eyes. But it’s just that –a fantasy. A selfish and improbable indulgence on his behalf. He knows how his job works, he knows the dream fulfilling bliss of making the NHL, but also the time commitment that it is. He knows that even if he were to live his dreams, for every homecoming like that that he received, there would be equal and opposite farewells. For every minute spent travelling and playing, there would be minutes of Cam’s childhood lost to Zach.
Part of him is constantly torn, wanting that life, but knowing the toll that his departures take on Cam, he doesn’t think he could bring himself to regulate that by having him in Jersey with him. He would probably never leave the house; never go on another road trip or to another away game –unable to leave him.
It swirls in his head plenty, but he knows that this is what he has before him - being back here for just this summer, that’s his reality for right now.
So he gently lays Cam down, tucks him in and takes a moment to perch on his bed and just soak in the moment, a moment he has very few of.
“Love you Dad,” Cam mutters in his sleep, wriggling under his sheets to properly settle himself in.
“I love you too buddy,” Zach answers him.

Cadey walks past the bedroom door at that point, on route to her own, and catches the exchange. She is grateful to hear it, letting it remind her what is important here. It’s Cameron. That’s why Zach came back this summer, comes back every summer. And that’s why he is staying longer this time –to spend time with Cam. She needs to stop these feelings, ones like before, when she got overly hopeful at her inclusion.
Zach doesn’t want her; he just wants to make things easier for her.
She walks into her room and sinks on to her bed, feeling a fool. There have probably been plenty of women through Zach’s bed in New Jersey over the past six years, Zach most likely treating each and every one of them with the same amount of respect and dignity that he had with her.
She remembers Jackson, and stops feeling sorry for herself. Zach has no doubt moved on, and she has too. Jackson cares about her, so much. She knows it. It’s in his every move, never failing to take things at the pace Cadey dictates. And she cares about him too, letting her guard down with the first man since Zach, which is no mean feat.
Sighing, she sits up and eases her boots off, then rubs her feet.
Zach pops his head through the door at that moment, and they make plans for him to bring around her car tomorrow morning, and then return in the evening to collect Cam, to take him to dinner with his parents, his final night at their house before he moves his things back into his own.
“Thanks for tonight,” he makes sure to repeat to her.
“It’s no problem Zach, I know Cam appreciated it.”
“Yeah,” he some what sighed, “He did.”