Without You

Late the next morning, Cadey pulls up her car outside the automotive garage, and take one last checking look in her rear-view mirror at her appearance before heading in. Zach had come over early this morning, bringing her car with him, thanks to the assistance of his father.
They had all eaten breakfast together around Cadey’s table, much to Cameron’s obvious delight. Then, Zach had asked if he could have the honour of taking Cam to school. Given the task was so drilled into Cadey’s everyday routine, she felt a little uncomfortable at relinquishing the task, but the look on both Zach and Cam’s faces was one she couldn’t argue with. Once they had all left, Zach departing with a ‘thank you’ from her and Cameron with a kiss on both of his cheeks, Cadey had gone back to bed, truly trying to enjoy the strange freedom that came with not having to be an active mother for that morning. She read a few pages of the book she had been trying to get through since last year. She cleaned the house. She relaxed in a bubble bath for a while.
But she couldn’t shake the need to do something. So she dressed in her favourite jeans and a nice top, and let her hair down around her face, the ends of it curling as they dried out from the bath, and got in her car to head to the garage. She knew Jackson would be working, and wanted to surprise him.
It had stunned her at the time of meeting first meeting him, that he was so attractive. It wasn’t like she hadn’t noticed handsome men before, but Jackson struck her in a particular way. When he had began asking her out, she had thought it funny that he had any interest whatsoever in a girl as plain as she. In all her years of life, whenever Cadey looked in the mirror, she saw plain, as if the evaluation of ‘AVERAGE’ was tattooed on her forehead. In high school she had gotten some compliments from boys, but none had ever changed her outlook on herself.
Except Zach. He was the only one who had ever been able to convince her of her beauty, without even trying. It had been the sincerity in his eyes, his words when he told her she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen, and the way his hands held her and the way he watched her, that made her feel as if she truly was.
After him -after that summer- there hadn’t been anyone. Zach had been her first love, so every man after that couldn’t compete with him. Their hair wasn’t right, or their eyes weren’t quite as nice, they weren’t as well mannered, or she just didn’t ‘feel a connection’ had been her excuses, but in reality, the true answer was that they didn’t stir within her what Zach had. They didn’t match the feeling, paling so drastically that there wasn’t even a comparison.
That, coupled with her young son, had made the thought of dating unappealing to Cadey, and she had turned her nose from it, until Jackson had taken the option from her.
She had watched the other mothers, some single and even some married, flaunt themselves at Jackson during practises, and be discreetly on game days, when their husbands were also in attendance. Jackson was a very handsome man, his brown skin and his muscles only adding to the wonder that was his face. With the offers he was attracting, Cadey hadn’t truly believed that he was serious when he first asked for her time, but his steady persistence had shown her otherwise. He took care of her well, most to the fact that he knew she didn’t need caring for. He made sure though that she knew he was always available for whatever she may need, and he worked so well with Cam, that it was impossible for her to keep turning down his advances. She had come to adore Jackson, and trust in him, and his wonderful quality of respect for her wishes. He never pushed her for anything, not time, not sex, not information, letting her choose the pace.
She had missed him over the past few days, and felt bad about ignoring his calls. It was just so disrespectful in her mind though, to be wading through the initial feeling Zach’s arrival gave her, and trying to balance things with Jackson. But she was here to see him now, here to apologise.
As she walks in, Trevor, the older man who owns the workshop, nods a hello and announces her arrival.
“Hey Cadey,” he smiles before he uses a louder voice to yell, “Jackson –Your beautiful girlfriend is here.”
“Girlfriend?” Jackson’s voice questions as he pops out from under the hood of a car, rubbing his oily hands on a rag. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Trev. I don’t have one of those. There is this one girl, but she doesn’t return my phone calls.”
He said it teasingly, his big grin picking up as he saw the vision of Cadey, here to visit him. Cadey was caught by it, and flooded with how much she had missed it. She hurries the last few steps towards him, stepping into his arms.
“Careful Cade,” he warns, “You’ll get grease on your nice shirt.”
“I don’t even care,” she sighs, hugging against him tighter. Trev tells them that he’s off to get lunch, and Jackson lets his arms close tightly around her.
“It’s good to see you Cadey.”
“I’ve missed you Jackson,” she replies, finally taking her head from his chest, tipping it up to look at him. “I’m sorry for not calling or returning your calls, I’ve just had a lot on my plate. But I promise to answer every call from now on.”
“It’s fine, Cade, I just wondered whether you were alright.”
Her face falls, knowing it’s time to come clean. “Yeah, I’m…I’m good. I’ve just been busy. Zach is back in town.”
Jackson’s eyes watch her face, his arms still lingering at her waist. “Zach, Cameron’s Father, Zach?”
“Yes Jackson, Zach as in baby daddy Zach. How many ex boyfriends do you think I have?”
He smiles, “Well, as many as you like, as long as there’s no more in future.”
Cadey chuckles and kisses his cheek. “Do you wanna come over tonight? Zach is taking Cam to dinner with his parents.”
“I’d love to come over. Is Cam still coming to training this week? I’ve got this new warm up thing that I’m gonna get the boys to try and I’d love to know what he thinks of it.”
“Yeah, he will be at training,” Cadey promises, knowing Cam well enough to know that while he loves his father and their time together, he stands by his commitments and he loves soccer, playing once even with the flu –all for his love of the game.
“Hey, do you want to stay for lunch?” Jackson asks, “I brought some left over Lasagne. If you’re lucky, I’ll share with you. Or maybe we can get something else for lunch and you can take the lasagne home for Cam.”
Cadey laughs, remembering that Lasagne was the dish he cooked for her that first night they had their ‘dinner date’, and it’s become Cam’s favourite meal since. And while she is a good cook, she hasn’t been able to match Jackson’s standards, so when Cam visits him or he comes over, Cam begs him to cook it. One time, Cadey stood at the kitchen table, watching the two males laughing and joking as they made it together, Jackson giving Cam tasks to help in its creation.
She agrees to stay for lunch, and sits on the bench top, talking and chatting with Jackson as he works until Trev gets back, with enough food for the three of them. Once they’ve eaten, Cadey announces she promised Tara that she would drop some Mc Donald’s into work for her, knowing Tara doesn’t like working without her. It’s become ritual for one to take the other lunch on rare days that they don’t work together.
Jackson is quick to his feet to walk her out, even though it’s a short one from the small lounge like break room to the car park. He fits his hand in hers and they walk to the open front garage doors, where she parts from him.
“I’ll see you at about 8 yeah? Zach should have picked Cam up by then.”
While the more curious part of him actually wants to meet Zach, Jackson sticks to true routine, not pushing Cadey for more than she gives. He trusts she will introduce them when it’s right. “Okay, eight sounds great. I can’t wait.”
“Neither can I,” Cadey smirks, kissing him. Their kiss works up a great heat and after Cadey’s manoeuvred them slightly, Jackson backs her up against the nearest car, and Cadey works her self tight to him. When her lips pull from his to breathe, she steps away. “Thanks for lunch.”
Her lips touch his cheek and then she’s leaving.
“Cade,” he sighs, almost still breathless, “You can’t just do that to me and then leave.”
“I’ll see you tonight,” she promises with a grin, “8 o clock. Don’t be late.”

Tara changes plans for Cadey to meet her at a local coffee spot they frequent, granted her lunch break early.
“So I saw Jackson out at the bar the other night,” Tara mentions, “Behaving himself as always. Seriously Cade, I don’t know what spell you have got that boy under but it’s as if he literally doesn’t notice the throngs of girls flinging themselves at him. It’s crazy. But anyway, he asked me how you were, which I sadly take it to mean that you’ve been avoiding the poor guy now that ‘Captain Fantastic Failure’ is back in town.”
“No,” Cadey corrects her, finding another reason she is grateful to have made a visit to Jackson today. “I just saw him before; we hung out and had lunch. And he’s coming over for dinner tonight while Cam is at Zach’s with his parents.”
Tara grins devilishly, “Good idea Cade. Very good idea. Let the two of them meet and show Zach that you’ve moved on.”
“It’s not like that Tar; I’m not into playing little games with Zach. I’m in a relationship with Jackson and I’m happy with him. Playing games and pitting them against each other would only disprove that and make me look unhappy.”
Tara eyes widen, and she rocks back in her seat. “Wow Cade. That’s very mature of you. I hate how you always take the high road. It’d be much more fun to watch Zach wag his tongue after you, seeing you with another guy.”
“Well I hate to disappoint, but I don’t think Zach would care. He’s an NHL player, it’s not like there’s any drought of girls in his world, he would’ve moved on from me a long time ago. Besides,” Cadey continues, her voice dropping ever so slightly, “It’s not about me, it never has been. It’s about Cam, and what’s best for him. He is the only reason Zach is back.”

“You know your mom is going to be popping round un-announced every minute she gets don’t you?” Zach’s father asks him, standing in the door way of Zach’s old room, watching his son pack up the last of the few things he brought home with him, to take them to his own house after dinner.
Zach laughs, aware of that already. “Yeah I know.”
“You know Zach,” J.P Parise begins, taking a seat on the end of the bed, “There are a few times in the course of our life together that I can remember your Mother being truly and insanely happy, but nothing really beats the look on her face when she watches you with Cam. Nothing. I watch her face and it’s the embodiment of pure joy.”
Zach nods, in response, having noticed it.
His parents have come a way with things in regards to Cam since they first found out Cadey and Zach were expecting him.
Over the course of ‘their summer’ his parents had gotten to know Cadey well, with the amount of time Zach had spent joint to her hip. They thought she was a lovely girl, a great girl for their son, but they had never in a million years expected her to get pregnant with their grandchild.
When Zach had broken the news to them, his father had first been angry, but then changed his stance to just disappointed. It was foolish, not to mention selfish of Zach to get a girl pregnant before leaving to a stage so big and so demanding as the NHL.
His mother had become apprehensive to Cadey during the first stages of her pregnancy, a manner of which she had never taken to Cadey before. It was because of her fear that Cadey held the power, held her grandchild, but their relationship had grown to be a nice and some what close one –Cadey making the effort to include them in Cameron’s life and everything related.
While his parents found it unfortunate that Cadey and Zach hadn’t been able to work things out to stay together, they didn’t want to tell the pair what to do, and they knew how lucky they were that they had the friendly relationship that they did, hearing horror stories from their friends whose children had been dragged through divorce courts and custody cases.
“She tells me she wishes you would trust yourself more with him,” J.P discloses, “The boy adores you Zach. You don’t need to be wary of that.”
“It’s not whether or not he loves me Dad,” Zach says quietly, packing his clothes into his travel bag. “It’s whether I deserve it.”
“Zachary, you are a father to that child. Not just biologically, but physically. You are a father to him, a presence in his life. That is far more of a father than others out there.”
“So because I throw some money at him and visit a little that excuses my absence?” Zach asks angrily.
“No, your love for him and the effort you make –the quality time you give him –that is what makes you a father Zach. No one is asking about your absence, no one is crucifying you for that.”
Zach felt that maybe they should be. Whenever he saw players with their children it made him think of how unfair he was to Cameron. Cam never got to choose who he wanted as a father, and Zach didn’t have much faith that Cameron would have chosen him, had he had the option. He was an amazing kid; it was drastically unfair that he didn’t get to have as much of a father as other children.
Zach’s father stood and looked hard at his son. “You are his father Zach; he doesn’t care when you leave or when you come as long as you do. Never forget how lucky you are for that.”

“I’m so sorry,” Cadey fusses in between kisses, “About all of that before.”
She is of course referring to how she asked Jackson to stay hidden in her bedroom when Zach reappeared on her doorstep to collect a jersey for Cam, something he’d forgotten when he had first picked him up just before eight.
But Jackson didn’t fuss then; he just shrugged, in true Jackson fashion and does the same thing now.
“Its fine,” he manages, pressing back against her, his hands tingling in her hair.
But it doesn’t feel fine to Cadey. She can’t imagine how frustrating she would find it if the roles were so easily reversed, so she pulls back gently.
“It’s not fine, not really. I just didn’t want to tell Zach about us like that. But I did want to tell him. I just-” she shakes her head in frustration, not knowing how to convey what had been whirling in her head. “I didn’t want Zach to think he comes first, and I don’t want you to think he does either.”
Jackson’s entire face changed in that moment. From thoughtful to disappointed, the exact opposite of the reaction she wanted from him.
He backs away, near to the door. He doesn’t look her in the eye, just rubs his hand through his hair. “Look, maybe I should go.”
“Why?” Cadey asks, sharing in his disappointment.
He takes a breath before he finally meets her eye. “Cadey, Zach is Cameron’s father; he’s always going to be first. End of story.”
He turns to walk away from her, but she grabs his hand, his wrist, whatever her fingers get a hold of.
“Jackson please,” she begs, asking for more time. “He may be first where Cam is concerned, but not for me. He isn’t first in my life, maybe once upon a time he was, but that was a long time ago. Him walking back in, it doesn’t change anything for me about how I feel about you.”
His eyes roll over her carefully, as if to weigh his options, or her sincerity. “And how do you feel about me?”
“I…..I love you Jackson,” she answers in complete honesty. “That’s how I feel about you, I love you.”
Cadey can feel her heart racing at impossible speeds, blood pumping through her bloody like tidal waves, shaking her. His hand touches to her face, and it’s like a hot bolt of electricity.
“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that,” his deep, rich voice tells her. His eyes hook hers and she feels entranced, captivated by his deep eye connection, by his hand on her. “I love you Cade. Heck, I’ve loved you since we first bloody met.”
She steps forward against him and helps herself to fistfuls of his shirt, no longer fearful of him leaving, now positively overwhelmed with a need for him.
“Then don’t leave,” she tells him. “Stay and prove it to me.”
With a simple pull of her hands, his buttons pop open and expose inch after inch of his delicious brown skin, his huge chest and his rippled abdomen. “Show me how much.”
He grins, his white teeth sparkling, “Doesn’t Cam get back soon? You said he was just going to dinner with Zach and his parents.”
Cadey kisses his jaw bone, his neck, his throat, his chest, all the way down his abdomen until her lips reach the waistband of his jeans and his Calvin Klein’s. It’s then that she looks up at him, wearing her best sultry pout. “Yeah, so we’d better hurry.”

They are still in tangled in the sheets later, when the doorbell rings. His eyes brows shoot up as Cadey begins to sit and tugs him up with her.
“Do you want me to hide again or something?” he asks bashfully.
She leans in and kisses his shoulder. “No. I want you to put some clothes on and come and meet Zach.”
“Cadey, are you sure?”
Cadey nods, very sure. This step they’ve taken tonight, telling each other how they really feel, how much they really feel, -Cadey knows it’s monumental. And she meant what she said. She does love him and loves the big part of both her and Cameron’s life that he is. A bigger part than she had formally wanted to let herself accept. He is important to the both of them, and so he needs to meet Zach, they need to be introduced.
“I’m sure Jackson. One hundred percent.”

“Mommy, Mommy,” Cameron calls, mimicking Zach’s knocks on the hard wood door. “It’s me. It’s Cam!” He calls excitedly.
“Its okay buddy,” Zach assures him, “She’ll be here in a sec.”
And sure enough she is, pealing the door back and grinning as she sees them on her door step. Cam runs up and hugs her legs tightly, his love for his mother ever present as always. Zach’s greeting is less emotive, the words he had been planning all night to say, stolen as he watches their embrace.
Cadey is wearing a long white dress shirt with blue pin stripes that finishes just above her knees. Her long brown hair is down and tauntingly messy, like she’s just gotten out of bed. Cam releases his grip on her and she bends down to plant a kiss on his cheek that he is calling for.
“Did you miss me Mommy?”
She smiles so big that it touches her eyes. “Of course I did baby. Did you have a fun dinner with your Grandma and Grandpa?”
“Yep, heaps of fun. They showed me Daddy’s old goal and we played around with the sticks and a puck and I shot it and it got past him! I scored Mom!”
He relays the play now with the exact amount of excitement that he had when it happened, out in Zach’s parent’s garage. Zach had let it sneak through, after watching his many failed attempts, his tongue wagging out of his mouth to heighten his concentration –like father like son. Seeing the look on his face and the pure joy and elation it had given him, had made Zach proud to have let his shot through, able to make his whole night with just the simplest of actions.
He was learning a lot lately from being around Cam, and the main lesson was that he seemed to enjoy just purely Zach’s company, something Zach wasn’t used to from many people before. Usually people wanted an autograph, a photo; they wanted money or a deal or something, something from him. But Cam just beamed proudly whenever he was around, no matter what they were doing. It was something Zach loved.
“Well that’s awesome,” Cadey praised him, “Hi five?”
She put her hand up and he matched it, different sizes, but with a burst of power on his part.
“Did you say thank you to your grandparents and to your father?” she asks him.
He nods, attentive like a soldier. But her eyes sweep back to Zach, still in the doorway. He nods at her.
If there’s one thing, out of the many, many great traits she has given him, and lessons she has taught him, manners is definitely one. Cam had thanked Zach’s parents for dinner when they put the plate on the table in front of him, then he thanked Zach as he handed him an ice cream, and three more times on the way home after he’d kissed his grandparents goodbye, mumbling even more appreciation for the dinner and their time. Zach could see purely by the looks on their faces that the pleasure was all theirs, the kick they got out of seeing their son and grandson bonding over hockey, something that held huge novelty to them, or maybe, it was just that they were bonding, full stop.
“Good boy,” Cadey smiles at him, ruffling his hair proudly. “Someone came around to see you while you were gone Cammy, he’s in the lounge and he brought you one of those cool new hats you like. Do you want to go and say hi to him?”
“Yes!” Cam replies, about to tear off down the hallway.
“Cameron Parise,” she reprimands, “You are forgetting to say goodbye to your father.”
He turns to Zach with his big eyes glowing apologetically, and hugged his legs like he had done Cadey’s before.
“Thank you Daddy,” he whispers, “I had the funnest night ever tonight.”
“That’s alright buddy,” Zach replies, fighting hard to hold his emotions. The feeling of him cuddled against him like that was overwhelming. Though he’d been spending plenty of time with him since arriving, they were still getting to know each other better, and this was the first real act of tenderness that he had showed him. “Anytime.”
He ran off, leaving Zach alone with Cadey, and his dirty thoughts. It had been a long time since they had been together how he was in that moment dreaming, but there had never been a moment, over all of the years, where Cadey had stopped being the most attractive woman in the world to Zach. She was always the most gorgeous girl, in the most simplest of ways. Her being the mother of his child had only ever added to that, never detracted.
“He really is the sweetest kid ever, you know,” he blurts out, unsure how to handle this awkwardness.
“I do know,” she answers with a smile, “I’m glad you are getting the chance to.”
For the record, Zach appreciates for the absolute life of him that she has never held his come-and-go presence in Cameron’s life against him. Not once has she thrown it back in his face, or called him out, even though he knows better than anyone, even better than Tara, just how much he deserves it.
He leans back against the door frame, twiddling his keys in my hands. Keys to his brand new tricked out Landrover, a perk of the salary and job that he worked so hard for. He remembers how proud he was when he first brought it, driving it everywhere unnecessarily and twirling the keys around his finger showing off. He had now found more reason to be proud, the beautiful little boy who was a descendant of him, to be more exact.
“Cade, I-”
“I feel really bad Zach,” she says at the same time. They both blush at the overlap and Zach gestures with his hand for her to continue.
“I have someone over, someone I’d like you to meet. I know I should have warned you in advance, rather than springing this upon you, but I feel that it’s really important for the two of you to meet.”
When she had first explained the visitor with the hat present, Zach had presumed it was her brother, as he could remember Cam mentioning something in passing about wanting a colourful hat like Uncle Noah’s. The vibe he got now though was eerily different though, and it for some reason, made his stomach plunge.
“Are you okay with meeting him?” she checks, tentatively.
He opened his mouth to form an excuse for having to leave but didn’t get a chance to relay it as a tall, tanned man strode up behind her, Cameron in tow at his heels, a new hat upon his head.
“Zach this is my…my partner, Jackson McAdams. Jackson this is Zach Parise, Cameron’s father.”
Jackson smiled and held his hand out for Zach to shake, and Zach took it, against his wishes.
“It’s great to finally meet you Zach,” he said curtly.
“You too,” he replied, desperate for an exit.
When the hand shake broke he took his arm and placed it around Cadey’s waist, and she sank into him, the happy look in her eyes making Zach want to vomit.
It was selfish, yeah, but Zach could only seem to remember the times when he had been the cause for that look, not anybody else. He guessed this was karmas swift and hard way of reminding him of just how long ago that had truly been, and the effect of his mistakes in between.
“Well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” he mumbles hurriedly.
“Sounds great,” Cadey smiles.
As he turns to leave, he fits his balled fists into his jacket pocket.
At the door to his truck, Zach turns to see Cameron wave, and returns it, before gritting his teeth, watching Jackson walk back inside with him and Cadey. Watching another man live the life he has always wanted.