Without You

“Ah my beautiful girlfriend,” Jackson says opening his arms to her. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
Cadey laughs, “Don’t flatter yourself baby, I’m here to pick up my son.”
“Mmmmmmm, the son that you forced to play soccer just to get close to me, right?”
Her fingers thread through the cord of the whistle around his neck. “Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night, Jackson.”
He wraps her in a big hug, holding her tight and giving her head a kiss. “I don’t need to tell myself anything to sleep at night, I just need you.”
Her laugh tickles his neck and she pulls her face back to give him a kiss, a short and soft one on the lips, weary of the flurry of children and parents around as soccer practice finishes up.
“Liar,” she tells him. “You stayed over the other night and there was not a lot of sleeping going on.”
“That’s because you make it so hard to keep my hands to myself Cade, especially now in your work uniform.”
She stifled a laugh. At first when she had seen what her job required her to wear, she had almost been deterred from the dream position.
As a Travel Agent, she was forced to wear a skirt and heels, dress shirts, blazer and a stupid scarf thing that irritated her, but not as much as the skirt and heels. Cadey was more of a jeans and trainers kind of girl and her work uniform made her feel like a dressed up Barbie. She had first gotten the job, easing back into work when Cam was one, unable to turn down her dream job and her boss’s flexibility when it came to what hours she would work. She’d been working there ever since, picking up more hours as Cam got older. That was how she had met Tara.
Jackson’s fingers toy with her scarf and his eyes twinkle at her playfully.
“You’ll have to save it sorry; I’m not big into PDA, especially with school children around.”
“How about I come over tonight then, and we can ‘not-sleep’ again together?”
“I wish we could, but I’ve kind of committed to dinner with Cam and Zach. I’m sorry its just he drew this picture the other day and it was of us all having dinner together like his friend Dustin and I just-”
Able to tell she was rambling, Jackson stopped her. “Whoa, whoa Cade, it’s cool. Don’t worry about it.”
Her face winces a little. “Really?”
“Yes,” he laughs, “Its fine, it’s just dinner right?”
Cadey bit her lip. Yeah, it was just dinner, but for some reason, in her head, it felt different. It felt like she was playing Barbie’s and Action Man, putting down one man and swapping him for another just whenever she felt like it. She didn’t want Jackson to feel excluded.
“Yeah, its just dinner.”
“So then don’t worry about it,” he smiles, “Enjoy it. Cam will love it.”
She nods, grateful he is so understanding. “I will thanks. I’ll see you later?”
“Of course.”
They part with a kiss, and Cadey walks to the car park with Cam, comfortable with substituting her ‘Best Girlfriend’ medal, for a ‘Best Mother’ one. And Jackson watches them leave, feeling like he deserves an Oscar.

“Mommy,” Cam calls as he walks in through the doorway, “How did you and Dad meet?”
Cadey grimaces, “Why do you want to know that honey?”
Cam sets himself at the table, his notepad out and his colouring books too; his pencils all lined up in a row along side the spines.
“At school we were talking about when fate shows up and Miss Klein said that when her Mom and Daddy met it was because of fate because she called the wrong phone number. Was it fate when you and daddy met?”
Cadey turns the pots down to a low heat and takes a seat at the table. Cam watches with fond interest as she closes her eyes and lets that wonderful moment replay in her mind.
She had been at a small town party, dragged along by a couple of friends. Zach was there also, with his friends in tow.
At one point when the music had gotten too loud and she had danced so much that her feet hurt, Cadey had hurried to sneak out the houses back door, with hopes of getting some peace and quiet, along with some fresh air and a nice view of the stars, out on the far area of the lawn. That was when she had run into Zach, quite literally. The full cup of liquor that her friends had thrust into her hand had spilled all over the front of his t-shirt and he had looked less than impressed. That is until he looked up and his eyes met hers.
It was cliché really, Cadey thinks, remembering now. It seems improbable for love at first sight or anything like that to be true, and if it weren’t for the chain of events that led off of that one chance encounter, she would agree that such a thing doesn’t exist.
But in her world it did, and for that summer of time, it had.
After she’d seen the damage to his shirt, she had begun apologising profusely, embarrassed at spilling her drink all over him.
“It’s okay,” Zach had replied, about a million times.
“Not, it’s really not, look at how stained it is. I’ve ruined it.”
Zach had pulled it out from him to gain a better view. “Ah, it’s alright. It looks better actually, more unique and designer. I should probably thank you. I saw a guy on the way in with the same shirt, so you’ve saved me from a very embarrassing confrontation.”
He had been kidding, laughing to help Cadey find the humour among her embarrassment.
She recalled with exactly the same warmth now, how beautiful and dazzling the first flash of his smile had been and the effect it had had on her.
“Hey, where are you off to in such a hurry anyway? I believe the party is inside.”
“Oh, I just thought I might head home. My car is parked just down there,” she had admitted, pointing to faint lights in the distance of darkness. “Don’t worry, I haven’t been drinking. I’m not much of a big party person.”
“Neither am I,” Zach had smiled, again dazzling her. “I should probably walk you down to your car. Its pitch black out here and you’re far too pretty to get kidnapped and murdered.”
Cadey was normally awkward and shy around boys, so she usually tried to keep a safe distance from them, as to not embarrass herself. But with Zach that night, she couldn’t say no. She wanted him to walk her to her car. She wanted to be around him.
So she took Zach’s hand when he offered it, and away they went. She didn’t go home that night, well not when she had first been planning to anyway. She and Zach had gotten talking, and spent much of the night lying atop her car bonnet, under the stars. To her surprise, conversation flowed freely and she began to relax, actually saying witty things and making him laugh, basking in the beauty of him when she did.
That was where and how it had all began.
Thinking it over, she nods a yes to Cameron’s question. “Yeah, it was fate when we met. Everything between us has been fate, like meeting and having you.”
To think, she muses to herself, how much different her life would be, all that she would have missed out on, if she hadn’t had spilled her drink on Zach that night.
Cameron laughs and scribbles down a note on his pad. “I like having you as my Mom and Dad as my Dad,” he tells her, “I’m glad you met fate, maybe one day I will get to meet her.”
Cadey held her laughter, and just grinned at her son. “You will one day baby, you will. But for now, you better go and wash up because your Dad is going to be here any minute for dinner.”

Surely enough he was, waltzing in through the door as Cam cleaned up in the bathroom. Cadey greeted him at the door, taking his coat and welcoming inside. They move through to the kitchen, where Zach can’t help but greedily sample some of the pasta that Cadey has made for the dinner.
Living in New Jersey is nice, but Zach craved a home cooked meal like it was heaven and when he came home for the summer, he always relished the taste.
Cadey came across and playfully tapped his hand, telling him off. He smiles back at her with cheeky eyes, feeling like old times.
She cocked her head at him, her eyes changing colour slightly.
“What is it?” Zach teases. “Is it the food? You’ve put poison in this haven’t you?”
She shook her head, smiling. “No Zach, it’s just…..it’s your smile.”
“My smile?”
Cadey reaches her hand out to touch his face. “Yeah. Cam was asking about fate before, and whether it was fate when we met. It reminded me of that night and I just noticed now how your smile is still the same as it was back then.”
Zach doesn’t know what to say, part of him wants to say something clever to further this, but the other half is weary that he will screw it up, and she will take back her hand. He just smiles.
“I guess it’s just everything else that has changed, huh?”
“Not everything,” he replies, “If you think about it, it is summer and we’re in Minnesota and I’m eating out off of the spoon out of the pot.”
Cadey laughs warmly, still holding his cheek. “Yeah, I guess that does sound pretty familiar.”
They watch each others eyes and Zach finds some more courage, his conversation with his mother still on his mind. “It’s not really the same though is it?”
Softly, she shakes her head. “No, not really.”
He times his next words carefully, his tone soft as not to startle her. “Do you sometimes wish it was?”
Cadey grazes her tongue over her bottom lip, desperate to put some moisture in her mouth, Zach’s manner and questions, this pull between them, working at her. “Yes, sometimes I do.”
They hear Cam barrelling down the hall way and tear away from each other as he enters the room.

As Zach sits with Cameron at the table, giving another try to colouring, Cadey watches fondly from where she stands at the bench, putting the final touches on dinner before she dishes it up. Her body is still all-over warmed from her exchange with Zach, but there is something new tugging at her heart.
It’s this. This picture, this atmosphere. This big COULD HAVE BEEN that is playing out before her.
She wonders if this is what life with Zach could have been like all these years if she had gone to Jersey, if they were still together. Him coming home and drawing and laughing with Cam while she watches affectionately like a mother in a movie, then dishes up dinner and they all laugh and smile and get along like a real, true family.
Looking at Cam’s big smile to have things like this, even for this one moment, is enough to make her think that maybe, for one night, they could just…..pretend that this is their real-life, the norm instead of the rare.

After dinner Zach insisted on doing the washing up, him and Cameron discussing what was on TV to watch as they did the dishes. Cadey took a moment for herself and went to the bathroom, leaving them at the sink.
Inside, once the door is shut, she sits on the edge of the bath, drops her head into her hands and takes a big deep breath. The reality of the night so far was overwhelming and she just needed some space to breathe and think. Time passes as she sits there, more than she thinks, and Zach knocks lightly on the door.
“Cade, it’s me. Can I come in?”
She clears her throat and rises, briefly checking over herself in the mirror before she opens the door. Zach steps in with a solemn face and closes it again.
“Cam’s just out in the lounge channelling surfing for a good TV show. He asked if could stay so we can all watch it together. I’d love to, but I just want to check with you first.” He let go of a breath he’d been holding for a while. “If you’re not cool with everything being like this, so –you know….”
Cadey nodded, she did know. Being together tonight felt like being a family, felt like a mommy and a daddy and a child and felt wonderful. It felt as if things were always this way.
“-how it is, then I can go. I don’t want to make it uncomfortable for you,” Zach finishes.
Cadey shakes her head and smiles. “It’s fine. Tonight has been great, I’ve loved it. You should stay, though I’ll warn you, Cam has a soft spot for trashy reality shows.”
Zach laughs, “Just one of the many lovely traits you’ve given him then huh?”
He offers his hand and she takes it, leaving the bathroom together and walking out to the lounge. Cam stands on the smaller of the two sofas and points at the TV.
“Look Mom, the TV show with the rubbish houses is on! Can we watch it, please?!”
“Yeah we can watch it,” she laughs as she takes a seat on the other couch, Zach sitting with her. He leaves a small amount of space between them, but she wriggles to get comfortable and somehow comfortable means being along side him. Zach tries to relax like her, but being this close to her makes it hard.
“The show with the ‘rubbish houses’?” Zach questions, peering at the TV. “You’ve let him watch Hoarders?”
Cadey turns her head and grins at him. “He needed to learn a lesson about what happens if you don’t clean your room.”
Zach grips her hand tighter; glad the mother of his child is such a great parent.
The three of them all watch in horror as the presenter shows through the house, or rather just stick the camera in, as one room is so bad they physically can’t enter it due to the stacked piles of junk. It’s quiet besides the common ‘That’s disgusting’ from Cadey, ‘Ewwwwww look at that’ from Cam and ‘Why are we watching this again?’ from Zach, until Cameron broaches a much different topic.
“Dad, our teacher told us about fate today and Mommy said that fate was how you two met. But she forgot to tell me how, so will you tell me?”
Zach swallows nervously and looks to Cadey. She just smiles and nods, as if to say, ‘the floor is all yours’.
“Well buddy, your Mom and I were at this place with all our friends and she was in a big hurry. She opened the door really fast and crashed into me,” Zach begins, smiling wildly as he retells it his way, playing it up humorously. “She spilt her drink all over me and my top was wet. So then I decided to go home because I couldn’t go back inside with my shirt all ruined. And your Mom was really sorry about it, and we started talking and I told her that I was going to be a famous NHL player and she fell in love with me. Right, Cade?”
Cadey laughs and grins like Cameron and nods her head, her eyes smiling back at Zach. “Something like that, yeah.”
Cameron chuckles to himself and then excuses himself to get his notebook, in order to write it all down. Apparently Miss Klein sent homework home with the children, wanting stories to execute happenings of fate in their own lives.
When he’s gone, Cadey turns in her seat, and reaches for the control, lowering the volume. She faces Zach, still close.
“Zach, is it everything you thought it would be? Everything we talked about it being?”
Zach draws in a breath, contemplating the question and his answer.
Like her, he remembers the summer nights lying under the stars, something they made a habit of after their first meeting, talking and dreaming about what life had in store for the both of them. Zach would tell of his future being a bright one, filled with lots of money, a nice big house, hundreds of fans, Stanley Cups and MVP awards, while Cadey would spill her dreams of travelling, of visiting all the beautiful destinations she dreamed of, able to return and share the experience to prospective travellers, loving the feeling of selling people an adventure –a break from their real lives. The talks and dreaming-aloud always ended the same way – with Zach telling her she would have to be a travel agent in Jersey, once she was finished travelling the world.
“You’ll be able to work during the hockey season, and then I’ll travel with you in summer. Anywhere you want to go.”
She would smile and laugh, brushing it off as her brothers warnings would echo in her head.
“That wouldn’t work Zach,” she always replied. “You don’t like foreign places.”
Then he would take her hand and gaze at her, straight in to her eyes with his captivating brown ones and kiss her hand to his lips.
“I don’t like them because usually you miss the comforts of home, the things you know and love. But if I went with you, then I would have something that covered all three bases.”
Now in the living room, in the present, Zach nods to her. “Is it everything we talked about it being, everything I imagined it to be? Yes. Before Cam, yes.
Since Cam? No. I love it Cade, don’t get me wrong. I love the fact that I get to play hockey everyday and they pay me mega dollars for it. I love the team and the boys and the city, but I miss you and Cam. I….” he goes to say more, but stops himself.
“You wish we could be there,” Cadey substitutes.
Again, his answer is a nod. In the silence, Cadey’s mind whirls.
It hurts. It shouldn’t, it really shouldn’t, but it does.
And that’s because back in that summer, when they shared those things, she really thought she would be. There. There at his games -in his jersey in the stands. There when he got back from road trips and away games, ready to congratulate or console him. She had pictured herself just there, there with him. She had known her brother’s words had held truth, life wasn’t a fairy tale story, and they might only have the summer. But a stronger -more trusting part of herself- let her dream, let her imagine and wish, let Zach’s words ignite mirages in her head, ones that she had clung to once he’d left for training camp at the end of that summer, his baby inside of her.
Tonight has been so fantastic, getting to live a dream. Cadey bites her lip nervously and wonders if she can let herself have more.
“Maybe…maybe some time this summer Cam and I could come back to Jersey with you, just for a few days to show him where you live and what exactly you do and everything like that. I know I’ve brought him to visit before but he’s older now, he will retain and understand more.”
Zach’s eyes nearly burst from their sockets, so extremely impressed that she would offer that.
“Unless you just take Cam,” she offered, thinking she had requested too much.
“I’d want you to come too Cade. I want you to come too.”
“Well, I’ll talk to my boss and see what I can do.”
Zach wants to ask about Jackson, mention something, but he doesn’t want to ruin the moment. So he simply brings her hand to his mouth and touches his lips to it, hoping that the rest of this night goes by very, very slowly.