Without You

Zach sits at the dinning room table, colouring and talking with Cam, just relaxing and hanging out after a busy afternoon.
When he picked Cam up from school they had gone to get some afternoon tea, Cam requesting Mc Donald’s, where Zach had brought him a Happy Meal, not wanting him to spoil his dinner, and broken the news of the trip to Jersey to him.
Cam had gone crazy in his reaction, so excited to be able to go on a trip, especially one to see his father’s world. He’d been too keyed up and busy grinning and cheering to finish the rest of his meal, so Zach had taken him home to his place and they had been colouring ever since.
“Hey, Cam?”
“Yeah Dad?”
Zach changes coloured pencils and catches a look of the picture Cam’s working on, which is embarrassingly triumphant to his own. Zach just laughs at his own poor effort, and smiles at Cam’s amazing drawing. “You know how you’re doing this assignment at school and you asked to hear how your Mom and I met?”
Cam peeks his head up from his labour of work and nods. “Yeah, that so was cool!”
“Do you want to hear another story?
“Yes please!”
Zach grins. “Well you know how we met at a party? The person who was having the party, it was his birthday. Your Mom’s friends knew him, and my friends and I knew him. When you were born, we didn’t really know what name to give you. But then we remembered, the birthday guys name was Cameron.”
Cam laughs delightedly at the connection while Zach remembers the moment.
He had been at Cameron’s birth, as Cadey was past her due date, and had a scheduled appointment to be induced. Watching her in labour for hours had never made him more glad that he was a male, and wasn’t required to put himself through that.
Cadey had been gripping his and her mother’s hands like she wanted them to suffer as much as she was, and Zach had been trying to put on a face to not show her freaky human strength was causing him some pain. It was nothing compared to what she was going through.
But when the midwife called for a final push and Cam came out, when they first heard his first cry and saw his face, it was all worth it. Every single second of everything was worth it. Zach cut the cord, and once Cam had been cleaned and wrapped up, Cadey took him in her arms and Zach began to cry, silent tears leaking from his eyes.
Cam was passed around and as the occupants of the room cooed over him, Zach slipped his fingers between Cadey’s and held her hand. His Mother and father then entered the room, greeting Cadey’s. The two new Grandfathers’ congratulated each other as the women doted over Cam.
The grandparents’ had noted Zach and Cadey’s body language and placed Cam in the small hospital crib and gave their children a moment alone, promising to return in a few minutes, vowing to be in the cafeteria getting coffees in case either of them needed anything.
When they had gone, when the door had closed, Zach had lifted Cam and cradled him, sitting beside Cadey. Sharing a look, they chuckled when they saw the tears on their cheeks, but didn’t care.
“You did it Cade,” Zach had gushed. “He is perfect. He’s gorgeous.”
Zach couldn’t ever remember being more in love than anything or anyone or any other feeling than holding Cam in his arms in that moment.
“That’s because he has your face Zach, look at him,” Cadey replied tiredly, but still as emotive as Zach.
“Yeah, but he’s got your green eyes. I glad that he’s got your green eyes. I can’t believe that he’s here Cade. I can’t believe we made him.”
After a long pregnancy and labour, Cadey could believe it. She kissed Cam’s forehead and Zach saw her eyes flicker, her body tired from the effort.
“Do you want to sleep? Do you want me to go?”
Cadey had met his eye and shook her head, no. She wriggled over to give him more space beside her on the bed, and he took it up.
“I want you to stay Zach,” she asked, leaning against him, “I want us to just lie here for a while.”
And they did, cuddled up and gushing over their baby boy.
“Cade?”
“Yeah?”
“What are we going to call him?”
“I don’t know. I never got past the middle name. What do you think?”
“How about Cameron?” Zach had suggested, smiling at her. “It fits with Michael and Parise, and you know, if it weren’t for Cameron’s party, we might not have met.”
“Cameron Michael Parise,” she’d mused, gazing down at the baby. “That’s perfect Zach.”
“Wow Dad, that is super fate,” Cameron says now, breaking Zach’s reminiscent trance. “What are you going to call the next baby?”
Zach nearly chokes on the sip of water he’s taking. “What?”
“The next baby,” Cam persists. “You know, when you and Mom have another one. Harry from school’s got a little sister but I don’t want one of those. I think a brother would be nice.”
Zach tries to keep his face calm as Cam goes back to work on his picture. But at his father’s stunned silence, Cam feels the need to explain himself.
“It’s okay Dad, I know how things work. Only Mommies and Daddies can have babies and you are my Daddy and Mom is my Mommy.”
He says it very assuredly and Zach realises that the topic of ‘How babies are made’ is something unexplained to five and six year olds, so Cam’s theory must have come from a mix of playground stories and his own observations.
“Don’t worry Dad,” he continues, “I’ll look after him when you’re not here. When you go back to hockey. I know how it is so I will look after him and then when you come back we can all play together and we can teach him how to take shots. That will be so much fun!”

“Hey, how was your afternoon?” Cadey greets, opening her front door to a bouncy Cameron and a very pale looking Zach. Cam heads in to change out of his uniform before dinner and Cadey asks Zach inside.
“That’s a good idea,” he replies, shrugging off his jacket and hanging it up. “It seems we have a lot to talk about.”
“Like what?”
Zach’s eyes are still enlarged. “Maybe you should poor yourself a drink first.”
When they sit at the table, dinner served and an alcoholic beverage at each of their seats, and a juice for Cam, Zach relays the afternoons interesting conversation.
“Holey shit! He wants what?”
“Yeah, a brother. Don’t worry, I explained to him that it’s not just as simple as ‘Mommies and Daddies’ being the only ones able to have babies.”
Cadey downs the rest of her drink and Zach tops her up. “And that settled it?”
“Not quite,” he winces, “He then proceeded to protest that Harry’s parents had his little sister after they got ‘separate houses’.”
“I’m going to fucking kill this Harry kid,” Cadey curses.
They had both known the subject of what roles the three of them had in the family was one Cameron would want to know about, and they wanted to handle it the right way. But neither of them had ever guessed he would ask for baby. Maybe ask why they weren’t together or why Zach lived in a different city, but not for a little brother. It caught them off guard and thrust them into un-chartered waters before they could get some footing.
“If it is Harry Grant from his class that he’s talking about, then his mother was already pregnant when his parents got a divorce. They didn’t get back together, they just tried living in the same house for a while in order to share time fairer with the children,” Cadey enlightens, with what she’s heard through gossip.
“It didn’t work?”
She shakes her head. “They remembered why they filed for divorce in the first place and now they live on opposite sides of town. They only talk if it’s to do with the kids.”
“Whoa,” Zach grimaces. “I’m glad we’ve never gotten to that stage.”
He takes a swig of his drink and Cadey runs her fingers around the rim of her cup, thinking.
While it could be argued they have a great relationship for two people who were co-parenting and not together, Cadey didn’t see much of a difference between the Grant’s and her and Zach. Zach called, but only when he wanted to speak to Cameron. He Skyped, when he wanted to talk to Cameron. Whenever it was Cadey and Zach talking, it was about Cameron.
But that’s what happens when you’re parents right? It’s all about the child.
Cadey tries to remember that as Zach shakes and drags his hand through his hair, a trait for when he is nervous.

Cameron is animated throughout dinner, still buzzing from the news of the New Jersey trip. On the contrary, Cadey feels everything around her slow painfully, as her lack of sleep last night makes itself known. Zach notices her groggy presence and sends her to bed, promising to take care of the washing up and put Cam to bed, delegating himself the task of reading the bed time story. She kisses Cam goodnight and slinks to her bedroom, shutting the door behind her and stripping off her clothes, and slipping into a large t-shirt, thinking about comfort, not style.
Her cool bed sheets welcome her, her pillows accommodating her with more softness than usual. Her eyes flutter and flutter until she gets pulled under, sleep taking her prisoner.

Happy with the state of the kitchen, Zach reads Cam his bed time story, but stays sitting on a chair in the corner of his room until he falls asleep, which due to the energy and excitement he was radiating today, takes no more than a few minutes.
He leaves him with a smile and a kiss on the forehead, heading back through to the kitchen.
He retrieves a bottle of water and a packet of pain relief, after searching quietly through Cadey’s cupboards, remembering how she gets really bad headaches if she misses too much sleep.
Though he knows he perhaps shouldn’t enter with out knocking, he doesn’t want to wake her, so he edges the door open then stealthily moves to her bedside table. He had planned to leave the bottle and the packet, then go, but he catches too long a glance of her, and his eyes hover on her, unable to look away.
It’s strange to say someone looks best when they are sleeping, but Cadey does. It’s not insulting, it’s a fact.
With her brown hair strewn across her white pillows, her eyes shut and her face peaceful, she is enchanting. It’s not lost on him that if she were to wake it would scare the shit out of her to see him standing over her, more or less watching her sleep, but he cant look away.
When they were together, it was the moments close to either side of sleep that Zach enjoyed most. Like how they would still be wrapped in each other and her breathing would slightly change as she slipped into sleep. Or the spectacular smile that would play on her lips as her eyes opened the next morning and he came into focus in bed beside her.
But after realising how truly tiring being a parent is, he has now gained a new found appreciation for seeing her get the rest she so richly deserves.
She wriggles in her sleep, making a cute noise like a tiny baby dinosaur as she rolls over. Zach can now see the logo on the back of her shirt, ‘Trev’s Mechanics’, clearly something that belongs to Jackson, and takes that as his cue to leave.
Upon his exit, he fights with him self, wanting desperately to give Cadey the same farewell he did Cam, but knowing he can’t.
So he whisper’s a ‘Goodnight’ and is gone.

When Cadey wakes a few hours later with a splitting headache, she rolls over, grumbling, and is stunned to see what Zach has left for her. Once her hands reach out and make contact, making sure the objects are material and not her just dreaming, she smiles to herself.
She’s forgotten how nice it is to have someone around who knows you, inside and out.

-

Zach’s golfing with his father is interrupted the next day, with a call from Travis.
“So how’s things in Ole Minnesota family man?” his voices chirps.
Sounds corny, but Zach ignores the comment, glad to hear his voice. After spending close to everyday together during the season, they suffer with drawls over summer, so Zach is happy to break the news of the trip.
“Going well actually, we will be in Jersey tomorrow for the weekend, are you still there?”
Travis laughed on the other end of the phone. “Yeah, haven’t gone yet. Does this mean I’ll finally get to meet the kid?”
“Ah, all going well, yeah, it should do.”
“Should do? What kind of shit is that Parise? You better be seriously coming.”
“Nah, we are. It’s just Cadey was a bit unwell the other day; I’m hoping she’ll be okay to fly. It’d probably be best for me to go check on her actually.”
J.P waits patiently for his son’s phone conversation to finish, taking the break of time to select a club for the upcoming shot.
He and Donna have been excited for Cadey and Cam to go with Zach to Jersey to see everything, knowing it’s monumental for Cam, who is now at an age to better comprehend the reason for his father’s absences. But they know it won’t all be peachy.
Half of knowing ‘what’ is figuring out and evaluating ‘why’. It could upset Cam tremendously to see that it’s a sport and a city that keeps his father from being where he wants him; more present in his life.
He’s been able to see Zach’s anticipation of the trip, and he’s been pleased to. But now, he feels as if its time for the obligatory fatherly warning.
“Sorry,” Zach apologizes, “I had to take it, it was Zajac. I’m ready now, it’s your shot right?”
J.P nods, and moves to the tee. “You know Zach; taking Cam to Jersey is going to be great. But it’s also going to be hard. You are going to be showcasing the reason of why you’re not around so much, and what comes before him.”
Zach squints in the sun and stares at the ball, lined up on the tee. He’s not stupid, that reality has dawned on him, but he figures that the closeness and clarity it might gain Cam is worth it. “I know Dad.”
“And having Cadey there too,” J.P continues, practicing his shot, swiping just beside the ball. “I’m hoping you know better than to hold hope that she will fall in love with the city and-”
“I’m not going with any predetermined expectations Dad,” Zach interrupts. “I don’t want anything more than to just show the both of them where I live and what I do.”
Lie.
J.P nods in approval to his son, and lets a smile flash. “Okay, fatherly forewarning over. I’ll get back to schooling you in golf now.”

“Cadey-kins,” her father welcomes her with her childhood nickname and a smile as she makes her way to the BBQ to hug him. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”
“I’m too tired to cook so I thought it would be nice to come and have dinner. Mom said you were Barbequing and that reinforced my decision.”
“I’m glad; it’s good to see you.” He takes her under his arm in an embrace. “Where is Cammy?”
“Inside with Mom,” she answers with a weary face. “She’s got him trapped with the freshly baked cookies.”
Michael chuckles at his wife’s affection for their grandchild. “Yes, she does seem to feed him up on those doesn’t she? Oh well, at least you get a few minutes break.”
“Yeah, I’ll just deal with the sugar high later when I’m trying to put him to bed.”
Michael watches his daughters face carefully, and turns the BBQ down, most of the meat done by now. He takes Cadey’s hand and leads her a few steps to the patio table and sits her down.
She lets her attention hang on the can of Red Bull she has in her hand, feeling more drained of energy lately than usual. Even last nights sleep and the day off work today hadn’t fully recharged her, which was abnormal.
Since becoming a mother, she had found another gear to herself, able to run on the smallest amounts of sleep. With Cam at school and less needy these days, able to change and feed himself, it usually only took one early night to get her back to full charge, though that hadn’t been the case when she’d woken this morning.
The light bags under her eyes hadn’t escaped her, and she’d put on make up before coming over.
But from years of having a close relationship with his daughter, Michael can read her face well, almost as well as Zach.
People say ‘eyes are the windows to the soul’, but Michael Parker disagrees. He knows that you can tell a lot about Cadey and how she feels if you know where to look on her face. There are certain slight changes to her features, that give away her every emotion. Today, he can see stress, sadness and guilt.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, Cade?”
Cadey feigns indifference, something she has spent years of trying to perfect when it comes to her parents.
She has never wanted them to worry, especially not when she had moved out on her own into the house Noah brought and nights with Cam hard to settle had stretched her thin, and at times when everything just seemed to collectively pile on top of her at once. But, she underestimates her father’s eye for detail.
“Cadey,” he warns, politely, “I can tell when something is bothering you. Is it the trip to New Jersey?”
“How….” Cadey lets her question trail off, knowing it needs no answer. Her parents are still very close with Zach’s, and there’s no doubt that they’ve been discussing it.
“I think it’s a good idea Cade,” Michael tells her, sipping his beer. “As long as you’re careful. Your Mom and the Parise’s love the idea, but I want to just remind you that you might find it tough, so just be careful okay?”
Cadey doesn’t know whether it’s the weight of this whole situation, the difference in her and Zach this summer or her recent slight fatigue, but she begins to cry. Michael moves his chair beside her and hugs her.
“I’m just trying to do right by Cam,” she confesses, stressed, “I’m trying to think about what he wants, what makes things easier for him. But it’s hard. I don’t know what makes it worse and what makes it better.”
His hands rub up and down her back to soothe her. “You’ve got to stop seeing this whole thing as a tight wire honey. I’ve seen no book on how to co-parent in your situation, and if there is one I’d call bullshit on it anyway. Don’t worry. Things happen Cade, parents aren’t perfect, nobody is. You just have to do the best you can and when things go bad you just deal with it. It’s all you can do.”
Cadey nods, but the tears continue, the flood gates having opened.
Long ago, Michael shared Noah’s sentiment of protection over Cadey, and when she first brought Zach home, he had his doubts.
But he didn’t ‘want the best’ for his daughter like his son did; he knew Noah’s expectations where close to impossible. He just wanted Cadey to be happy, and Zach seemed to accomplish that better than anyone else in the world that summer. Michael had caught the weight of every secret smile between the two and seen the effect they had on each other. Zach had made Cadey happy so Michael had let her make her own decisions.
These days, he knew that his wife and the Parise’s would never give up on holding out hope for the dream that Cadey shared, one of giving Cam his family all under one roof. And he wanted that too, but only if it was what made Cadey happy. She seemed to really like Jackson, and Michael knew that the trip to Jersey would reignite a lot of the scenarios she had dreamed of for her and Zach, both before Cam and after.
She put so much pressure on herself to ‘do what’s best for Cam’ stemming from her guilt of his family situation, Michael could predict that Jersey would suck her in.
“It’s going to be great Cade, but it’s going to be what you dreamed it to be, so I just want to make sure that you prepare yourself for that.”
Cadey knows what he’s talking about.
One night, in the middle of her pregnancy, she had been up late, sitting in the dark and thinking. Her father had come down stairs for a drink of water, and ended up sitting with her, trying to cheer her up. It was then that she had confessed letting herself get wrapped in fantasies of going with Zach to Jersey, being at his games, waiting in his house after road trips and being with him –all things she couldn’t since she was pregnant.
She had cried as she told of their plans to travel in the summers, and shared her deep stupidity for letting herself think that they could last past the summer they’d shared. She had tore at her hair in frustration of letting herself get pregnant and making things so much harder for the both of them. She’d said it wasn’t fair to Zach to get pregnant, not when he’d been waiting for the NHL for so long.
She knows that her father is now referring to those confessions, warning her they may arise again when she sees Jersey and Zach’s life, one she could have had.
“I’ve thought about it a lot Dad,” she answers honestly. “With Zach and I, there is always going to be could have beens and what ifs. What if I didn’t get pregnant? What if I’d moved with Cam to New Jersey for him? But I can’t change my decisions now. This is my life and this is how it’s meant to be, if it wasn’t, it would be different, right?”
Michael nods at her logic.
Cadey lets him go and brushes her hands over her face to tidy herself. He sees the tiredness in her face.
“How about your Mom and I keep Cameron for the night huh Cadey-kins? You look like you need to go home and get some sleep. We will bring him to you tomorrow before the flight okay?”
She nods. “Okay, thanks Dad.”
They stand and Michael kisses her head. “Go home and get some rest Cadey. Stop worrying.”

When Cadey does get home, she finds Zach sitting on her front step.
“Hey, how long have you been sitting out here?”
“Not long,” he shrugs, standing up to meet her. “I figured you were just out so I thought I might wait a few minutes.”
“Oh, I was just at Mom and Dad’s for tea. Dad sent me home to get some sleep and Mom has Cam kidnapped and stuffed full with cookies,” she explains, unlocking the front door. “He’s still there, he’s staying the night. But he they’re gonna drop him back here tomorrow before the flight.”
Zach leans against the door frame, his hands in his pockets. “It’s cool; I came to check on you actually. How are you feeling?”
Cadey is thankful that its nightfall, the colours of night around them helping to conceal her slight blush. “I’m….alright. I think I’ll feel better the more I sleep. I should be fine to fly tomorrow. Hey, um, thanks by the way. You know, for leaving that stuff by my bed for me. I really appreciated it.”
Zach shrugs, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “No problem. I know how bad your headaches get, remember that day we had ‘the black out’?”
Cadey nods, blushing again. Of course she remembers. The day that her headache was so bad that she was on the verge of tears and screaming, and Zach came over and helped to black out her room, pulling curtains and sticking up black paper on the set of windows that had thinner curtains, in the hope that lying in complete darkness would help calm her headache and help her to fall asleep. They had laid in her bed for hours, Zach refusing to leave her until she fell asleep, despite her protests.
He had missed a full day of training that day, but he didn’t care. When he had watched her drift off to sleep and then smile at him gratefully when she awoke, the pain slept off, it had been worth it.
“Cade,” he says now, softly, his brown eyes glistening in the slight darkness, “We aren’t the Grant’s.”
“What?”
“I saw the look on your face during dinner the other night, Cadey. And I know every situation is different and whatever, but we’re not like them okay?” He reaches gently and takes her hand, holding it carefully. “And don’t worry about Jersey. I’m willing to bet that your father’s given you the same warning mine gave me, but I promise it will be fine. We are both adults now, and we have a good relationship, right? We can do this. And if it’s too much for Cam then we can-”
“Zach, stop,” she interrupts gently, stepping forward to him to take his other hand. She loves his words and his gesture. She had needed that.
He looks back at her, peculiarly and she gives his hands a slight squeeze.
“You don’t need to promise anything,” she says quietly, holding his gaze. “I’m looking forward to Jersey, and so is Cam. Sure, there will be a lot of things attached to it for you and me, but we’re not new to this. Maybe, maybe it will be good for us. I’m hoping that it will be good for us.”
Zach wants to clarify what ‘good for them’ entails, but Cadey drops his hands, and is then suddenly against his chest, her arms around him, hugging him. He closes his eyes and hugs his arms around her in return, valuing the closeness.
It’s special as they stand there like that, Cadey’s head fitting still perfectly where it always did, until they are disrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything,” Jackson says thickly.
They break apart, but Zach leaves a hand around Cadey, not wanting to let go.
“I just came to say goodbye before your flight tomorrow.”
“Jackson, Zach was just checking I was all packed and ready for it,” Cadey lies, much to Zach’s interest.
Despite what was stirring inside the two of them, he can imagine a hug looks pretty innocent from the outside. He wonders why she feels the need to lie about the reason for his visit, but he enjoys it.
Obviously, she feels there’s something to hide.
She turns to Zach and nods awkwardly. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Cam and I will be all ready to go, I promise.”
He still doesn’t want to let her go or leave, but her eyes are pleading with him to go quietly.
“Bye Zach.”
“Bye Cadey,” he nods, letting go and passing Jackson with no more than a head nod of acknowledgement on the way to his truck.
When he’s driven off, Cadey waits for an onslaught of questions from Jackson. But even worse, he just turns and walks away.
“Wait, Jackson, you’re just leaving?”
He shrugs. “Like I said, I just came to say goodbye. So goodbye, have fun in Jersey.”
“I know how you must feel and I’m sorry, but he just came to-”
“I don’t want to do this with you right now Cadey,” he cuts her off, sighing. “Have a safe flight and say goodbye to Cam for me. I’ll see you when you get back.”
And with that, he’s gone too.
Cadey slumps to the steps and takes a deep breath, trying to tell herself that everything will be fine.