Sparkling Diamonds

Benedict and I had our first real face to face talk in months...well as face to face as we would get. It was thanksgiving in the States and he had just returned to his hotel room, slightly drunk, after going out with a couple of his friends. I sat on the floor in front of the window with my laptop in front of me. I sat a little bit back, dressed in Benedict's grey stripped robe and a black and white knee length nightie. The robe was slipping off my shoulder, a little, as I stared at my computer screen waiting for him to return from the bathroom. I bit at the nail of my thumb nervously as I waited.

The shot of his hotel room was stark white with the lights of the city streaking through the window and a desk lamp lighting anything in the foreground around the computer. HIs clothes had been thrown across the bed that had been unceremoniously pulled apart. I had my suspicions but decided not to question it. The thought of the woman in the supermarket that had showed me the photographs of Benedict with the Blonde lingered in the back of my mind and I tried to shove it in the back corner.

The sun was still high in the sky, but nearing the point of setting, while Benedict was fully encased in darkness when he returned. My breath caught in my throat as he bounced upon his seat in front of me on the other side of the computer. I bit down hard upon my thumb as he ran his hand over his face and through his wet hair. Picking up a towel from around his waist, he quickly dried his hair and gave me a soft smile as he let the towel fall to his lap.

Benedict's blue eyes were dark in the light, pupils dilated with alcohol. His shoulders jutted out from the background, clearly having gotten some sun during his time in Los Angeles before making the trip to New York. I reached out to the screen, leaning over on all fours as I touched the screen of the computer. I looked at him with tiredness, with sadness. I missed him, but I doubt he missed me. The way he looked at me in that moment, it seemed like I didn't even exist. He was so distant but there was only the alcohol to blame. Maybe this wasn't the greatest time to talk.

I fell back onto my feet so I was in a kneeling position in front of the computer. My fingers hovered over the keyboard, ready to quit at any moment because I didn't feel that I was ready to see him again. What a ridiculous thing -- not wanting to see someone I was going to marry. He was mine, but he wasn't. He wasn't Benedict in that moment.

"Di."

He said it with such distance, such loneliness, that I just wanted to end it there. I couldn't take it. I wanted him, but I didn't. The photographs burst forward in my mind and conflicted with the plans that I was making to see him on New Years. I hated how work was pulling us apart and was bounding me here like a cannonball and chain. My only escape used to be his embrace but maybe that wasn't enough anymore. Even seeing him, even like this, repulsed me.

I pushed myself back across the floor and away from the computer. I wrapped my arms around my knees and pressed them too my chest. I buried my face into my knees and held my tears in as best as I could.

"Di."

I refused to look up.

"Di."

No.

"Look at me."

I looked up at Benedict through the computer. He had his hand against the screen, the curves of his arm flowed out towards me as I watched his features drop. His natural ginger hair drooped across his forehead and a few strands hung loosely over his eyes. His lips were puffy and puckered as he leaned towards the computer's camera. Benedict looked like he was losing something he desired so considerably but I refused to believe it.

"I might be drunk but that doesn't mean that I don't love you, because I do," he stuttered. His old ways were returning to him. I could hear his lisp.

"I miss you."

"I know. I miss you too. What would I do without you?"

"Whose then blonde?" It just fumbled out. I didn't mean for it to. I was so scared of his response I was about to take back my question but he answered it.

"No one..."

"She's someone. Obviously," I spat.

"Are you jealous?"

"No."

"Then what are you?"

I uncurl myself and crawl back to the computer so he could see my face properly. He relaxed into his chair, revealing more of his muscled tone. I blinked at him, waiting, trying to think of a response. I wasn't jealous. I didn't need a man to make me happy, but this is what it clearly was. I had spent so much time in a rut because I didn't have him. I relied on him too much. He was a pillar that I needed in my life to keep me strong but I needed to make my own decisions now that he was hardly here. It was a week out from the plans that I had made with his manager for New Years Eve and I needed to make it the best thing that either of us had ever experienced.

"I never thought that you not being here would make me a stronger person," I said with a sigh. "Everyday has been painful without you and it wasn't until now that I realised that because of it, I needed to become a stronger person. I couldn't rely on you to always be here for me. You're a big star now, you need to travel and be away for you work. Not even I can control that. You need to make those decisions for yourself without the weight of me on your back. I do love you, Benedict, and I am truly proud of what you have accomplished in the short few months that I have known you intimately."

"Are you breaking up with me?" He asked nervously. "Are you breaking this off?"

"No," I said. "I am showing my support for you. I want to be that blonde, whoever she is." I held up my hand when he tried to giver her a name. "I'll be in the shadows, wherever you are."

"What about your work?"

"That doesn't matter," I replied. "I've designed enough things that I'm proud of and I've met so many people that I consider to be my best friends through these projects that all I want now is explore the world with you. I'll figure something else I can do with my life, professionally that is. I'll write a book, design my own fashion line. I don't know. I'll figure that out later. I just want to be strong with you.'

Silence.

Utter silence.

What the hell had I just gotten myself into.

"I'm sorry, you probably didn't need to hear that right now and probably not in the best state of mind to be listening to me rambling on like this right now--"

"I love you, Diana."

And with that, I was left alone in our apartment. The screen went black and the last thing that I saw was him turning himself away to cover his crying. Alcohol heightened the emotions and it could have only been because of that...no. Stop over analysing a drunk man's actions.

I shut the lid of my laptop and shuffled over to the window. I pressed my forehead against the glass and watched the people of the city move about. It wouldn't be long before I would be with him and a new life would begin.

The moment I fell asleep, it felt like days had passed and it was the day before I was going to leave for New York. I sat on the end of my bed with my legs crossed over one another and dressed in the same clothing that I had Skype chatted to Benedict in. Eliza leaned against the wall in the corner of the bedroom and watched me with concern. I had told her at the same time that I had handed in my recognition to the BBC, which was a little over a week ago. She had still remained in shock, asking me everyday if this was what I wanted to do. Of course it was, but it was going to take some getting used to. For everyone, including me.

A large hardtop suitcase sat on the ground in front of me barely packed. Clothes littered the floor in neat piles and that was about as far as we had gotten. It was maybe four or so hours before I had to be at the airport to board the plane and I hadn't finalised anything. My ticket lay tucked into my passport on the bed beside me with my phone on top of it, the clock ticking over with every passing minute.

It wasn't until my alarm went off, warning me that I had three hours to go before I had to be out of there.

"You want to finish that?" Eliza said, staring at me expectantly.

I looked up at her and nodded slowly. I pulled myself from my bed and slowly started to pack the rest of my belongings into the suitcase. I shoved my laptop into a large handbag and quickly threw something on. My mind drifted off into the clouds as Eliza and I caught a taxi for the airport. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Eliza continuously looking at me. She had a week to voice her opinion and she had left it until now to show any thought of concern.

She helped me lug my bag out of the taxi and we looked at each other. She was my last friend that I had here, one that I could really be honest with, and I had no idea when I would see her next. Hopefully it would be soon. And, hopefully, I would keep more in contact with her then I had with Benedict. I felt ashamed for not keep in contact with Benedict as much as I should have but the least I could do was make up for it now. I was seeing him soon.

I drew Eliza into a hug and held her tight, almost refusing to let go until the last possible moment when it started to get uncomfortable. I rested my hands upon her shoulders and gave her a weak smile. Her eyes showed me that she believed in me, the only person that believed in me during the struggle. I pulled away and picked up my belongings for the international departure lounge. I dropped my bags off and checked in, getting a seat at the back of the plane amongst the screaming children and disgruntled elderly.

I barely slept, letting my gaze drift out of the window that I sat beside. The world drifted below me, the sea lapping thousands of miles underneath. I was covered in a blanket the airline provided but it hardly protected me against the air con. The food was horrible, as it was to be expected. The smell of the fish from the passengers meal beside me put me off eating my meal. My stomach rumbled hungrily but I silenced it by wrapping the blanket further around my body. I rested my head against the window, letting it chill me to the bone.

I was shaken awake by a flight attendant when I hadn't awoken after I had drifted off into sleep. The flight was empty, save for the attendants waiting for me to disembark. I tiredly stretched out, feeling my joints crack. I pulled my handbag out from underneath the seat in front of me and hurried out from the flight. I wrapped my jumper closer around my body when I walked down the stairs onto the tarmac. It was colder then I expected New York to be but it was my own fault for not wearing something warmer on the flight.

I watched the carousel turn around and around with the only bag being mine. It took me a while to muster up the energy to actually move to pull my bag off the carousel and find another taxi to take me to my hotel. I was in the same hotel that Benedict was staying in but in one of the bigger suites. The receptionist gave me a look when she handed over my room key and watched me with a raised eyebrow as I dragged myself for the lift. I was tired and didn't care what she thought.

By the time that I had dumped my bag in the middle of the lounge area of the suite that I had booked, and stripped off all my pieces of clothing so that I only remained in my underwear before sliding under the covers of a king sized bed, I was wide awake at the thought of Benedict lying beside me the following night. I could almost feel his warmth there beside me as I drifted off into another slumber that was broken, again, by the banging of his manager on the door.

It was time.