Three Words You Never Want to Hear

After the ordeal with Gerard’s parents the night before, I couldn’t help but feel guilty.

Was it really any of my business if Gerard’s parents spoke to him or not? Maybe I had been a little too interfering for my own good, I mean, just because I was his boyfriend it didn't give me the right to butt into his personal life like that. I mean, I shouldn't have called them without knowing the entirety of the situation. If I had known that they had disowned him for being gay, I wouldn't have even bothered. Good riddance to them if they were going to judge their son because of whom he fell in love with. Ridiculous. Gerard deserved better than that in his life.

Parents should accept their children for who they are, no matter what. What did Gerard’s sexuality have to do with them? How would it possibly affect their lives? I mean, aside from the obvious, like that they would no longer have grandchildren if Gerard were to decide to spend the rest of his life with me, there really wasn't much more that actually affected them. Little did his parents know, Gerard actually would be spending the rest of his life with a man, it was just a shame that there was so little left of his life, and they were missing out on it because of who their son had fallen for. Now that was sad. I mean, did Gerard’s love life really affect them so much that they had to completely disown their own flesh and blood? Even Mikey, who was just defending his older brother? That’s what family should do. Defend each other.

“Gerard, I can’t tell you how sorry I am,” I repeated for the sixth time that morning.

“Frank,” he breathed, his voice weak. “It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but-“

“I have you,” he smiled, his eyes squinting as if he were in pain. “That’s all I need. You are my family.”

I felt tears rush to my eyes, my lip quivering as I tried to contain myself. “Gerard,” I choked, taking hold of his skinny hand. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he smiled, attempting to squeeze my hand back. “No matter what, hold onto that.”

I nodded, not trusting my voice. He was so weak, it hurt to see him like that. It was hard to even look at him, knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop him from getting worse than he already was. I knew that he was in pain, and sometimes I wondered if me wanting him to stay around for as long as possible was selfish. He tried to play down his pain, but I could see the weakness in his every movement. I could see the longing and desperation in his eyes as he tried his hardest to push himself up just so that he could give me a gentle peck on the lips. Truth was, I was selfish. No matter how much pain he was in, I was desperate to keep him alive for as long as possible.

But I don’t want him to die! My consciousness screamed in agony. Please, please, don’t let him leave me. Please. I need him. I can’t live without him.

I swallowed, trying to control my emotions. I felt like I was dying too, everyday that I watched him suffer.

“Gerard,” I choked, hating myself for not being able to stop the tears that were now rolling down my cheeks. He looked up at me, the sadness in his eyes mirroring mine, except that no tears leaked from his. He was much better at this than I was. Or at least, he seemed to be. “I- I just… I wish… I… I wish that our love could last forever. I wish that I could help you.”

“Shh,” he cooed, his hand gently stroking my cheek. “I know, baby. But you know, I’m not scared anymore.”

“You’re not?”

He paused, as if searching for the right words. “I’m scared of loosing you, I’m scared of how you’re going to live when I’m gone, I’m scared of how Mikey will cope when I’m no longer here… but… I’m no longer scared of dying. So please, don’t worry about that.”

“Really?” I whispered, wiping my eyes.

“I was scared at first. I was terrified. The prospect of dying is one that I’ve never been able to make peace with, even as a kid. But, Frank, it hurts.” Tears now finally freed themselves as his voice broke and his arms were suddenly around me, gripping me with as much force as he could muster. “It’s so painful. I hate it. I hate it.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered, repeatedly kissing the top of his head as he rocked back and forth. My heart felt as if it might explode out of my chest at the sight of him like this, he was breaking down.

“I hate it, I hate this pain, Frank, I hate being so vulnerable. I hate being so fucking weak,” he spat, his whole body shaking. “I want it to end, Frank, please…”

“Gerard,” I barely managed to breathe, my own hands shaking as I placed them on either side of his face. “I’m here. Okay? I can help you through it, alright?”

“I just want to die,” he cried, his voice sounding so innocent. “Please, Frank, I don’t want to leave you but… fuck it hurts!”

“Mikey!” I yelled, not knowing what else to do. I wasn’t enough for him anymore, and although I knew that was irrational, I sometimes felt betrayed that Gerard would want to leave me. My heart was broken, but I knew that it wasn't his fault. The pain was too much for him, how could I judge him for that?

And yet, that didn't stop the sinking feeling in my chest. The feeling that came with knowing I was no longer enough for the man that I loved.

Mikey burst through the door in seconds, and he flung himself in front of our bed, his hands immediately clinging onto his brother’s shoulders.

“Gerard,” he said firmly, his voice a lot calmer than his demeanour. “Gerard, listen to me, okay? Where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere,” he cried, his eyes scrunching shut.

“We need to get him to the hospital,” Mikey turned to me, his eyes wide. “Help me lift him.”

***************

Once we had gotten to the hospital, the nurse had insisted Mikey and I wait outside.

“I’m his brother!” Mikey argued, fury in his eyes as he watched Gerard get wheeled away into a room with blacked out windows.

“I’m terribly sorry sir, but what we need right now is to have space and privacy so that we can determine the cause of your brother’s pain,” the nurse looked less than sorry, in fact, she looked run down and disinterested. “If you’d like to wait here-“

“No. No I would not like to wait here,” Mikey argued, his eyes darting between the nurse and the doors which Gerard had just disappeared behind. “I’m family, so I should be allowed-“
“Sir,” the nurse said forcefully, grabbing his shoulders. “If you want your brother to get better, you are going to need to give us some space.”

“Wh- Why? What’s wrong with him?”

The nurse sighed, looking a little more sympathetic now. “Look, your brother is at the last stages of his illness. I’m not saying he has no chance, but I am saying that if you don’t give us space, we won’t be able to help him as efficiently as we’d like. Do you understand?”

Mikey looked as if he were able to say something else, but instead nodded. The nurse patted his shoulder, looking very sympathetic now, and walked away, scribbling something on her clipboard.

The last stages of his illness.

The last stages of his illness.

The last stages of his-

“Frank?”

I looked up, Mikey was staring at me, a look of helplessness across his face.

“Sorry,” I apologised, shaking my head as if to rid me of the negative thoughts I was having. “You were saying?”

“I was saying that maybe you should go home, get some rest.”

“Are you kidding?”

“Frank-“

“No, Mikey, you know how I feel. I’m not leaving this place until Gerard is discharged.”

“But you know how it is, Frank, maybe this is just another close call,” his voice wobbled, but I knew that he was trying to sound optimistic.

“No, maybe it isn’t. Maybe this is it. The moment we’ve all been dreading. No, I’m not leaving him.”

Mikey knew there was no arguing, so he sat down beside me. His forehead was lined with worry lines, and his eyes were bulging, perhaps from where he was trying so damn hard not to cry. Mikey hardly ever cried, it was usually me and Gerard that were the ones to crack in these situations. It wasn’t because Mikey didn’t care, you could see how much he cared in the effort he made to stay awake for days on end when Gerard would be brought in here, see how much he cared in the bags under his blood shot eyes, or in the way his hands shook from nerves. Mikey was just better at controlling his feelings a little more than I was, but lately I could see the pieces slowly unraveling which each hospital trip we had to make.

With every trip we’d both be mentally preparing ourselves, as if every trip to the hospital would be the last one. It wasn’t healthy for either one of us.

**************

“Mr Way?”

Mikey sprung to his feet, almost knocking over the chair he had been sat on.

My heart pounded as I tried to desperately determine what the expression on the doctor’s face meant.

“You’re free to visit now.”

I jumped up. automatically following after Mikey. The doctor’s hand flew up against my chest, holding me back.

“Immediate family only,” he said firmly, as I watched Mikey pass through the door without hesistation.

“I’m his boyfriend,” I spluttered, attempting to push past him.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t let you in.”

“Why the hell not?” I yelled, startling him.

“Look, sir, your boyfriend is in a critical condition. His heart actually stopped beating for a whole minute. We had to perform CPR before we were able to get it beating again. I’m afraid it looks as though he doesn’t have a lot of time left. If I were you, I’d prepare yourself to say your goodbyes,” the doctor shook his head, his eyes heavy. “I’m so very sorry. Every day I see cancer patients loose their battle to this horrible desease and everyday I see the affect it has on their loved ones. I’m sorry, but if you would just give him a little time alone with his brother first, I’ll allow you to say your own goodbyes once he’s ready.”

He walked away, looking genuinely sympathetic.

I couldn’t think.

I couldn’t do anything.

I had always known that his day would eventually come but now that it had…

I couldn’t breathe right. Was the air supposed to be so thin?

I grabbed a hold of something beside me, my chest feeling tighter by the second. My throat felt restricted, I couldn’t even swallow properly.

I couldn’t even put together the words that the doctor had just said to me. It didn’t feel real. There was no way this was actually happening. Absolutely no way. They were wrong. They had been wrong before. Gerard was strong. He could pull through.

But is this really what’s best for him? Didn’t you see how much pain he was in earlier? My consciousness asked. You heard him, he can’t take the pain anymore. Why should he stay around just to suffer? You’re not enough for him anymore. The fact that you love each other isn’t going to stop the cancer from doing it’s job. He wants this. Let him go.

But if he had a choice, he wouldn’t want to die. He wouldn’t want to leave me. I argued with myself, my head spinning. He’s only feeling that way because of the pain. If he could just make it through one more day, one more month maybe, maybe the doctor’s would find a way to save him and this would all just one day be a memory.

Ha! The other voice laughed. Who are you kidding? You know the drill. This is cancer. There is no cure.

“Sir?”
Give up. He’s a goner.

No. No…

“Sir!” Someone cried, their voice echoing in the distance. “We need help over here!”

“Sir? Sit down, please.”

I felt a force against my shoulders as I was pushed down onto a seat. A young lady with blonde hair and blue eyes stood in front of me, a plastic cup of water in her hands.

“Here, you look like you need a drink,” she smiled sweetly, handing me the small cup.

It crushed, the water spilling over my lap.

“Oh!” She cried, stepping backwards as if the water would hurt her. “Not to worry, sir, here let me clean you up-“

“Gerard,” I whispered.

“Sorry?” She seemed concerned, her brows furrowing together as she attempted to wipe the liquid from my jeans.

“Let me see him please,” I squeaked, suddenly feeling the tears on my cheeks. The whole room seemed to focus at the prospect of me seeing him again. That’s all I needed. I needed to see my baby.

“See who?”

“Gerard, my boyfriend, he’s through there-“ I pointed at the doors Mikey had gone through. “Please, I need to see him, he’s… dying,” my voice broke, and suddenly I was shaking uncontrollably.

“Okay, hey, it’s okay,” she stood up and walked over to the reception desk. I couldn’t focus on them properly, all I knew was that I needed to see my boyfriend.

“Okay,” she smiled, walking back over. “You can go in to see him now.”