Three Words You Never Want to Hear

I think the worst part about the entire situation was that I knew that despite Gerard’s mother being the kind of person I had always wanted for him, no matter what the outcome, it didn't really matter if he wasn't here to see it.

I can’t put into words my emotions and thoughts I had after the funeral. It seemed surreal thinking about it. It hadn't seemed like it was really him. I knew that he was gone, and yet, sometimes I’d almost convince myself that he was still around. As if he’d just taken a quick trip to Starbucks, and he’d be back before long. Or he’d decided he just needed some alone time, and had gone to perfect his drawing skills, not that they needed much perfecting.

Sometimes, I’d find myself trapped inside my own head, wrapped up in my own little fantasy of what life would be like if I had never lost him. This, of course, only makes the blow much worse when I’m snatched away from my fantasy and forced to drown in the misery that was my new life. The life without him. Knowing that I could never speak to him again… it made it hard to breathe. I wondered what it would be like telling him everything that his mom had told me. I couldn't even picture it. I couldn't picture the smile on his face or the relieved demeanour he would take as he realised that not both of his parents had neglected him. The only comfort I had was knowing that I could now pass this information onto Mikey.

“Hey,” I breathed, exhausted, both emotionally and physically.

“Hey,” Mikey mumbled, curled up on the couch, looking distant.

“I, uh, I need to talk to you,” I said without much power. I didn't feel excited or motivated by the stories his mother had just relayed to me only moments before, just empty.

Mikey sighed, rubbing his eyes as he looked up at me. I could see that he had been crying. “Does it need to be now?”

I hesitated. I knew how important it was for Mikey to hear the truth, I just didn't know if this was the right time. We had both just departed with someone we loved forever, for him his brother, and I couldn't imagine what he must be going through. I mean, I was in pain, there was no doubt about that, but Mikey had known Gerard his whole life. He had grown up with him, known him in ways I could never possibly have, they were blood. I could see how destroyed he was, it was like looking into a mirror.

“Not if… not if you’re not up to it.”

He sighed. “You know what? Shoot.”

“Are you sure?” He nodded. “Okay…”

And so I began to retell him everything that his mom had told me, leaving out no details. I decided that if I was going to tell him, I might as well be as vivid as I can. I mean, I didn't want to have to retell it again, and in part, I felt as if Gerard were listening. Mikey’s eyes were hard to look into these days.

When I had finished talking Mikey just nodded. “That’s exactly what she told me, give or take.”

“Do you believe it?”

“I grew up with her. I saw how she loved him. I heard her defending him, but one day she just stopped. It seemed like she had just turned against him, and later against us when I started to defend him, so at first I wasn't sure..” he looked away, his gaze meeting something I couldn’t see. “But yeah. I believe her. And more importantly, I forgive her.”

“I get it. She’s your mom,” I tried to smile, but it probably came out as more of a grimace.

He looked back at me, and a shiver ran down my spine as we made eye contact. Would I ever get used to that?

“Yeah. She is. She’s all I have left,” he paused. “Have you forgiven her?”

“It’s not for me to forgive.”

“Of course it is,” he gave a small smile. Well, the best he could muster. Not many of us were genuinely smiling these days. “Gerard was just as much a part of your life as he was mine. You cared about him, and you cared about how my parents had treated him. I feel like you need to forgive her, for there to be real closure. You know?”

I nodded, unable to find words.

Did I forgive her?

I had felt sorry for her by the end of our meeting, sure, but had that just been my way of coping or had I genuinely related to the woman? I mean, I respected her for sticking up for her son to begin with, but I just didn't find it justifiable to give up on him half way through. She had both her sons believe that she hated them, just because she was afraid of her husband? Or had she loved her husband enough to simply push aside her sons needs to fulfil his fucked up views on life?

I tried to imagine a world where I was in her situation. I imagined a world where I was married to Gerard, and we had our own kids. I tried to imagine, in some flipped world, what it would be like if one of my sons were to ‘come out’ as straight. I tried to imagine a world where Gerard would somehow be cruel enough to beat one of our children for this, and I tried to imagine myself allowing this to happen, just because I loved him. But I couldn’t.

Gerard would never be so cruel, for one. His heart was too big to hold prejudices against another person because of who they love, especially if it were his own flesh and blood. (If it were possible for Gerard and I to have our own child, that is.) I knew that no matter how much I loved Gerard, I could never condone that kind of thinking. I could never allow him to hurt another human being, or force another person to be something they weren’t, just because I loved him. And that’s why I was finding it so hard to forgive his mom. I supposed if you’ve never been in her situation, you can never really understand it. In a way, I did feel for her, but the part of me that loved Gerard was so strong, I felt as if my loyalty to him overweighed any feelings of forgiveness I felt towards her. But wasn't that exactly the way she felt towards her husband? Loyal, even if it meant she had to force her sons to live a lifestyle that he deemed fit?

I’d never had children, so I guessed I couldn't really be sure on the situation.

I could see Mikey studying my face, as if waiting for an answer right then and there.

“Honestly,” I sighed, mentally exhausted. “I think I need some time. Maybe if I get to know her, I can understand.”

“I get it,” he pat my shoulder in comfort. “Look, we’re both exhausted. Did you wanna just sit here and… I don't know, watch a movie or something?”

After everything, that actually seemed like the most comforting thing to do. I didn't want to think anymore. It hurt too much.

“I’d like that.”

**************

I woke up, dazed and confused.

The TV had clearly been left on, as now the only thing that seemed to be on was infomercials.

I had woken up leaning against Mikey, having fallen asleep on his shoulder. I wondered if I should wake him so that he could get more comfortable in his own bed, but I decided against it. He looked so peaceful, and I knew that he hadn't slept properly in a while. It had been the same for me as course, but despite having had a few good hours sleep, I still felt just as groggy and run down as before. Maybe I had grown too used to not sleeping.

I made my way to the kitchen, and pulled out my phone.

I could see Mrs Way’s number staring back at me from my list of contacts (we had exchanged numbers briefly in the car ride over to the restaurant, just in case I should ever need to speak with her again), and I hesitated as my thumb hovered over the call button.

I knew what I needed to say to her, but how could I say it?

The phone rang only for a few moments before she picked up.

“Frank?”

“Hey, Donna,” I breathed, my heart racing with nerves. Was I making the right choice?

“Hello, dear. I wasn't expecting a call from you so soon.”

“Sorry, I didn't want to bother you again, but… I’ve been thinking about everything and…”

I thought about how informal this was. Was this the right way to tell her that I had finally forgiven her? Was this really how I wanted to give closure to us, through a phone call?

“Frank, why don't we arrange another meeting? It’ll be a lot better to speak in person,” she suggested, clearly seeing the direction I was headed in.

I sighed in relief. “Sure, sounds great.”

“I’m in town for a while, since I need to figure out whether I’m to stay here for good or return to my husband, so send me a text-”

“-Wait, you’re leaving him?”

It was her turn to sigh. “I can't be with a man that wouldn't even attend his son’s funeral. He won’t allow me to return home, I don't think, but I can’t be sure. He called me not long after we had spoken, to tell me he was furious at me for leaving. He called it a betrayal, I believe, that I would disobey him.”

“Does he not even care?” I could feel my hands shaking. “His son just died for fuck’s sake. Is his head really shoved so far up his own ass that he can’t stop being homophobic just to allow you to say goodbye?”

“Clearly not. I thought he’d soften up once he was gone but…” There was a sniffle on the other end of the line, clearly this wasn't easy for her. “You don't always know the one you fall in love with as much as you’d think.”

Gerard’s face stared back at me immediately, and I pushed the thought away. He had told me almost everything about himself, but had kept from me just how terrible his father had treated him. I didn't blame him, he probably didn't want to bring it up in his final days, who wants to remember the worst parts of their lives at a time like that?

“Frank?”

“Sorry, yeah, uh, let’s arrange to meet soon then? It’s important I speak to you in person.”

“Yes, I’ll text you later with details if that’s alright?”

“Yeah, that’s great.”

I heard the kitchen door creak open, and turned around to meet a half asleep Mikey. He rubbed his eyes and squinted at me, curiosity clear on his face.

“We’ll speak soon. Goodbye, Frank.”

“Bye,” I hung up, turning towards Mikey. “That was your mom.”

Mikey looked a little more alert. “Oh yeah? What’d she want?”

“Actually, I called her,” Mikey looked at me in confusion. “I- I wanted to tell her that I forgive her, but I didn't want to do it over the phone-”

“-I get it. And I’m glad you’ve decided this.”

“Me too.”

He paused, frowning at me. “Frank, you didn't just decide to forgive her because I told you it would be closure for Gerard, did you?”

My eyes widened in disbelief. “What? No! No, of course not!”

He raised his arms in defence. “Whoa, hey, I’m just wondering because you seemed to make the decision really quickly.”

“It has nothing to do with that,” I replied defensively. He gave me a doubtful look. “Okay, it has to do with that, but it’s not the whole reason I’ve decided to forgive her. You should have seen her Mikey, the way she cried when she told me her story. I know that she cared for him. She was caught between her lover and her son, and, okay, she made the wrong choice by pushing you both away, but in the end, she was always there for him. She’s the one that came back to say goodbye, even if it was too late. She made the right decision eventually, and honestly, I feel for her. Okay?”

“Okay, okay, I get it. I just wanted to make sure your forgiveness was sincere.”

“It is.”

“Good.”

********
Honestly, I feel as if this story should have ended the second that Gerard’s story had.

I feel as if my story means nothing without his, as if there is nothing interesting for you to read with out his presence. Gerard is my story, and so, I feel like anything that happened after his death is completely irrelevant. Without Gerard, there is no story.

After meeting with Donna for a second time, I poured my heart out to her about how I felt about him. I described the aching pain that ran through my bones as I contemplated a life without him in it. It told her of the hole inside my chest that made it difficult for me to breathe. I told her how little meaning my life now held, without him by my side. She listened to my suffering, word for word, and in it she told me that her pain felt very much the same. I doubted it, no one could possibly feel worse than I did, but I knew that we both felt the same love and adoration for the man that was Gerard Arthur Way.

I told her that she was fully forgiven, and in that forgiveness she should find peace, because Gerard would surely have forgiven her as easily, especially given that he truly did love her. I told her that I had seen the way he loved her through the pain in his eyes when he spoke of her, I could see the longing he had had for his parents to accept him. I told her not to feel guilt, because he surely knew that she had been on his side all along. How could he not, when she had shown him love in his darkest of times?

I told her not to worry about Don. He would find the way to grieve Gerard eventually, and hopefully overcome his way of thinking. He needed to be educated, as it was ignorance that made him so hateful. I was sure that he would still have loved his son if he had just been able to see that his sexuality meant very very little as to who he truly was as a person.

I told her to take care of herself, and to find a way to keep Mikey a part of her life, and even a part of Don’s life. I knew that Mikey didn't forgive his father yet, but with time, I told her I hoped that the three of them could become a family again. That would have been what Gerard would have wanted. Gerard could still be a part of that family too, as long as Don eventually found it within himself to say goodbye, and let go of his beliefs.

“And you? What do you want to do now?” She asked, frowning slightly.

I thought about that for a second. What did I want to do now?

I knew that Gerard had been the only thing I had ever wanted in life. A lover, a friend, a brother, my one and only. Was there even a life without him? I was far from being over him, in fact, I knew that I would never heal, not until the day I joined him.

“I’m going to take some time to find myself again.”

It seemed so easy, hearing it that way. I made it sound as if I could simply take a vacation and come out of it a new man, having grieved and move on, I could begin a new life, with a new man. I knew this was not reality of course. I could never love again, of that I was sure.

She reached over and grabbed my hand. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

I pulled away, unable to keep eye contact. “I’m going to be fine.” Lies.

“Please, Frank, promise me.”

I felt numb. I had made my decision. I couldn't make that promise.

“Take care of yourself, Donna.”

“Frank, wait-”

I ran from the restaurant, threw my car door open and launched myself into the drivers seat. My heart pounded, as if it knew that it only had limited time to do so.

The wheels screeched in protest as I shot down the highway, leaving the restaurant out of sight. My eyes stung as tears ran down my cheeks, blurring my vision.

The world moved in slow motion, as if it were mocking me for wanting to leave it so quickly. I began suddenly more aware of the scars on my wrists, throbbing beneath my sleeves, mocking me for being unable to complete the task before.

I can do it this time. I won’t let you win. I am not weak.

Cars honked at me, or should I say, the people within them did, angrily cursing as I wove between them, trying to desperately reach my destination.

I considered just driving into a wall. It would be faster, surely, and much easier.

I considered just opening the door and throwing myself out of it. Again, it would be much quicker than this.

I considered driving into a river. Painful, but then again, how much more pain could I be in?

I just wanted it to end. I wanted the pain to stop. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I didn't want to know him, I didn't want the memories, I didn't want a life alone. I didn't want to even know that I existed. I didn't care about the meaning of life anymore, because without him there wasn't one. I just wanted silence and peace.

My phone buzzed beside me, with Mikey’s name flashing onto the screen. I ignored it. Nothing was going to stop me.