State of Love and Trust.
Prologue.
When I was a kid I thought about death all the time. I don’t know why I did, I honestly don’t. I never had a near death experience or lost anybody I cared about, in fact I never even went to a funeral until I was 18 years old and to be honest it wasn’t even somebody I knew I just went out of sheer morbid curiosity. Neither of my parents has died, they’re both alive and well and living in Florida.
Nobody I love has ever died; death was never even mentioned to me as a child. My parents were total hippies, to them talking to me about death was like a priest talking about sex in a sermon. It just never happened, but for as long as I can remember I completely feared it. I did everything I did to avoid death, it actually got to the point between the ages of 10 and 14 years old I rarely left my house at all. I still thought about death though, I rarely slept at all because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up.
At the same time my parents separated for a short period of time, my dad lived with my grandparents for a few months. When he came back I developed a fear of abandonment, I was always so scared that if I wasn’t by my parent’s side constantly they would leave me. It was the same way with my dog; I followed him all over the house except for when he went outside to use the bathroom, then I would watch him from the window in the kitchen until he came back in through his doggy-door. I was overly emotional and sensitive, in fact I was fragile. Soon, I became very distant. I thought that if I didn’t get close to people than I would never have to worry about them leaving me.
When I was fifteen my parents did something they would’ve never done unless they knew something was terribly wrong with me: They took me to a psychiatrist. I went through almost six weeks of therapy before they decided that I suffered from a personality disorder. Then, the treatment began. Mostly we just talked through the problem as a family. I still had these feelings, but not as strongly. Eventually I grew out of most of it all together. I still had the tiniest fear of rejection and I was still extremely sensitive but I was much better than I was. I still thought about death all the time though, I didn’t fear it to the extent that I had when I was younger but it was always there.
Something changed when I met Eddie Vedder though. I was a very innocent and still fragile 16 year old when I met him, and he was perfect. When I was with him all I could think about was life, he brought this side out of me that I never even knew existed. When he set his sights on a person he was going to be persistent enough to make you fall for him, but he did it with this patient way about him, he let everything (including me) take its time warming up to him. Once you warm up to Eddie you never want to let go because you know that he doesn’t let just anyone inside; and he treated the things he loved like they were everything the world had to offer.
He didn’t fall in love easily, but he fell in love with me and I fell in love with him. He changed my soul, he was everything to me, and like an idiot I fucked everything up. I told him goodbye, I told him goodbye and when he asked me why I couldn’t even answer. Nothing came to my mind at all; I fucked it up because of my own stupid fears. But I’m going to make it right; I’ve got to make it right.
Nobody I love has ever died; death was never even mentioned to me as a child. My parents were total hippies, to them talking to me about death was like a priest talking about sex in a sermon. It just never happened, but for as long as I can remember I completely feared it. I did everything I did to avoid death, it actually got to the point between the ages of 10 and 14 years old I rarely left my house at all. I still thought about death though, I rarely slept at all because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up.
At the same time my parents separated for a short period of time, my dad lived with my grandparents for a few months. When he came back I developed a fear of abandonment, I was always so scared that if I wasn’t by my parent’s side constantly they would leave me. It was the same way with my dog; I followed him all over the house except for when he went outside to use the bathroom, then I would watch him from the window in the kitchen until he came back in through his doggy-door. I was overly emotional and sensitive, in fact I was fragile. Soon, I became very distant. I thought that if I didn’t get close to people than I would never have to worry about them leaving me.
When I was fifteen my parents did something they would’ve never done unless they knew something was terribly wrong with me: They took me to a psychiatrist. I went through almost six weeks of therapy before they decided that I suffered from a personality disorder. Then, the treatment began. Mostly we just talked through the problem as a family. I still had these feelings, but not as strongly. Eventually I grew out of most of it all together. I still had the tiniest fear of rejection and I was still extremely sensitive but I was much better than I was. I still thought about death all the time though, I didn’t fear it to the extent that I had when I was younger but it was always there.
Something changed when I met Eddie Vedder though. I was a very innocent and still fragile 16 year old when I met him, and he was perfect. When I was with him all I could think about was life, he brought this side out of me that I never even knew existed. When he set his sights on a person he was going to be persistent enough to make you fall for him, but he did it with this patient way about him, he let everything (including me) take its time warming up to him. Once you warm up to Eddie you never want to let go because you know that he doesn’t let just anyone inside; and he treated the things he loved like they were everything the world had to offer.
He didn’t fall in love easily, but he fell in love with me and I fell in love with him. He changed my soul, he was everything to me, and like an idiot I fucked everything up. I told him goodbye, I told him goodbye and when he asked me why I couldn’t even answer. Nothing came to my mind at all; I fucked it up because of my own stupid fears. But I’m going to make it right; I’ve got to make it right.