Guilt

I fucking loved her. I fucking loved her and she did this to me. I’d didn’t want to think of all the destruction we had caused one another behind each other’s backs as I slid down the wall of what used to be our now destroyed bedroom. I let the tears fall down my cheeks, my hands on my face, then sliding to my hair as I tried to get a hold of myself. That funeral was too much. Seeing Heather like that…seeing my fiancé in a coffin… It was too fucking much for me. I couldn’t even make it through the whole couple hours; I just ran out, I didn’t even acknowledge Matt, Brian and Johnny screaming at me as they ran out behind me. I just left, and came home, and went berserk. When Jimmy died I wasn’t even this fucked up; I wasn’t in a good place at that time though, either. But everything that I had done to Heather over the years, and the rare things she had done to me were all creeping back. I never even got to say goodbye… I never got to tell her a single thing about anything. I never got to come clean to her about the shit I’d done out of her knowledge.

I knew it was the pressure of everything. She kept telling me it was all driving her insane; the wedding planning, my hectic schedule of recording and partying... She kept telling me she was okay, but I could tell she wasn’t. I didn’t think she was, and now that she’s gone I’m sure she wasn’t. She didn’t even leave me any kind of message, or note, or anything. I just came home that night, and I had eight messages, all from Matt telling me that she had called him and told him she was heading to the bridge…and then about halfway through those eight messages of him telling me to pick up the goddamn phone and that my cell was turned off, there was a call from his home phone, and he was talking to her on his cell phone, trying to get her to calmly get down before he rushed out of the house. Two messages later he was speeding down the highway, the message saying that she hung up, and that I needed to get to the bridge as soon as possible. The last message was Matt telling me he was standing on the bridge, staring at Heather, floating face-down. Then he said she was already gone, and that he was calling the cops, and the message ended.

I could play those messages over and over in my head and it only made everything worse. I could hear his voice, frantic and tear stained like I had only heard it sound once before. I could feel the heaviness in my heart as I realized that instead of being with her here at home, I was out, doing whatever the fuck I wanted. I could have stopped her from going out. I could I have been here to hold her, and tell her everything was okay, and that things were going to get better. I could’ve been here for her, but I wasn’t. I never was. I loved her with all of my heart, and I’d fucking kill anyone who would try to hurt her, and I was the one that let her slip through my fingers in the end. Every time I closed my eyes I could see hers, staring back at mine, this needing, and pleading of her telling me to just stay home that afternoon… Why the fuck didn’t I listen? Did I really have to go out and head back to the studio to help Brian with something that even I wasn’t sure about? Yea, I did, apparently. If she knew the real reason I went out she would’ve fallen apart. But even though she didn’t she fell apart anyways. But I couldn’t fall apart. I couldn’t fall apart right now, but god knows I wanted to.

I wiped the tears from my face, taking a deep breath as I sat up straighter against the wall, sniffing slightly as I let my eyes scan over the destroyed bedroom, looking like a tornado had ripped through it. As I forced the memories and thoughts out of my head, my eyes came to rest on a book that had fallen out of the dresser which was lying on its side. I’d never seen it before. I stood up slowly, and walked over to it, picking it up from under a few articles of clothes. It was a dark blue, and had ‘Diary’ imprinted in silver on the front in a twisted version of Times New Roman, and the small book was locked together with a silver bar lock. It had to have been Heather’s. But did it hold anything? I didn’t want to read it if it did. I didn’t want to know what was going on in her head. I didn’t want to know if she had written anything in it leading up to her death, or maybe if it was from years ago when she met me.

Maybe she wrote that I was clingy, or I was an asshole. Maybe she had only liked me back then for the fact that I was in a band. Maybe this held some answers… Maybe it had the truth of what was going on with her really. This would be more accurate than my thoughts on why she jumped. There were too many maybes. But I couldn’t stop myself as I left my fingers take hold of the small bar lock, ready to turn the bar the correct way to fit into the rectangle opening, and let the cover ‘fall’ open. This didn’t feel right. Did this still count as an invasion of her personal space even though she was gone? Was it disrespectful? I mean…it was still hers, and it possibly held secrets…secrets of hers for her to keep, and things she may not want me to know. I didn’t want to come across something terrible that would ruin my view of her. I wanted to remember her as she was, not as a completely different person because of something I ran across while going through her private property. But…I knew everything about her. She was my life, so why was I afraid of opening it? I shook my head, deeming that I sounded like a child, and turned the lock before opening the cover to the first page. I couldn’t help but let my eyes scan over it. It started a month ago, the day I was terrified out of my mind; the day I proposed: January 1st, 2012.

Dear Diary,

Or New Diary, technically. I’ve been searching for my pink book but I can’t find it, so I’m guessing it’s gone forever. I just hope it’s lost somewhere out of sight in the house, and that no one finds it. But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because my life just lit up so bright I can’t even see straight. Zacky proposed just a few hours ago. I should have suspected something when he kept making sneaky phone calls to Matt and asking him things, thinking I didn’t know, but I heard a few, though not enough to really know what he was doing. But I’m going to be Heather May Baker. I’m grinning like an idiot as I write this and I can’t stop. I need to try to get my mind off of it so I can stop smiling before I break my cheeks, so I’m down in the kitchen. Zacky’s asleep upstairs, and the living room’s a mess. Everyone made it home except Brian; he’s passed out on the coffee table. Valary and Matt just left not too long ago, with Johnny and Brian right behind them. Everyone else left a little earlier. I’ll get Brian and Zacky to help clean up the place tomorrow, and Johnny will probably swing back by, though he’ll be no help. You couldn’t get the gnome to lift a finger towards cleaning anything up. I’ll probably be spacey as fuck with Zacky’s proposal running on repeat in my head.

Everyone except Matt, Val, Brian, and Johnny had left, and we were in the backyard, Zacky and I sitting on the picnic table, Matt and Val were at the patio table behind us, Brian was already passed out, and Johnny was inside coming up with ways to make his life hell while he was asleep. The fireworks had been going off from the park for a few minutes already, but Zacky and I were in our own world. I stayed in his side and he kept his arm around me, keeping me from the slightly chilled air.

“Have fun tonight?” Zacky asked softly and I nodded, my head on his shoulder.

“Yea,” I let a quiet laugh slip past my lips. “Johnny pushing Reed down the stairs was priceless.” I was glad my asshole of a cousin finally got what was coming to him, and I wanted to worship the ground Johnny walked on thanks to that, but if I ever let that slip from my lips I’d never hear the end of it thanks to Brian and Matt.

“Oh god, don’t remind me.” Zacky said, chuckling slightly.

“What about you?” I asked, looking up at him and he nodded, his face lit slightly by the fireworks, allowing me to see him a little more clearly.

“The night’s not over yet.” He said with a smile and I looked at him oddly.

“Basically it is, the others will be headed home soon, and we’ll be going to bed.” I said and he shook his head.

“Not yet.” He said and smiled a little wider. “I love you, and I’ve had something on my mind for a while…” He pulled away from me slightly. “And unless the past five years have been some kind of fucking awesome dream that the guys haven’t bothered to wake me up from,” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring, holding it between his thumb and index finger, and my lips stretched into a grin. “I was wondering if you’d marry me?” He looked almost scared as he looked up at me. “Please?” I nodded and he smiled. “So yes?”

“Yes.” I said and he grinned and put the ring on my finger before I smashed my lips into his, the smile still on my face.

“Wait,” He pulled away. “This is a yes to marrying me, and not a yes to something else, right?” He asked and I rolled my eyes.

“Yes Zacky! I’m going to marry you!” I told him, wanting to laugh at how he didn’t seem to believe it, and he looked like he was about to say something but was cut off.

“What?!” I heard Val’s voice and we both looked over as her and Matt turned around.

“Go Zacky!” Matt cheered, and I rolled my eyes as Zacky just smiled and tackled me back, a giggle erupting from my lips as I kissed him again, my hands locking together behind his neck as he soon pulled away, keeping his eyes locked with mine.

“I love you, Zacky.” I whispered and he grinned even wider.

“I love you too, Heather.”

Zacky’s the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, I’m positive of that. I want to spend every second that I was alive with him, and never leave him. I love him, with all of my heart.

xoxo, Heather

I sat on the guest bed as I read it, having migrated out of the bedroom, with tears in my eyes as I let my fingers graze over her name. It was hers, there was absolutely no doubt, and she loved me, there was no doubt about that either. I had a smile on my face as I took a deep breath, tears taking away my vision as I closed the book and locked it back. I couldn’t read any more tonight. I just couldn’t. It nearly killed me to read those first few pages, and I was so tired… I took the book and put it in the dresser of the nightstand before I laid down, bringing the cover over me. I doubted I’d be able to get to sleep without Heather by my side. She never wanted to leave me but she did and now I have this empty feeling that may never be filled. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve such a girl.

God knows with all I’ve done I didn’t deserve her.

*^*^*^*^*^*^*
The next day I woke up sometime around two PM, and just lay there in bed, not liking the feeling of waking up alone without Heather above me, grinning down at me because I had finally woken up. God I missed her so much… I reached over to my nightstand, opening the drawer and taking out her diary. I still didn’t like doing this, but her written words brought back memories that I’d like to relive and cherish. But I really wasn’t reading to relive memories; I was reading it to try to find out what was behind her actions and what drove her to…to suicide. I was scared as I twisted the bar lock and opened up the book again. I was still afraid I’d find secrets I’d be better off living without. But as I began slowly scanning over the entry for not January 2nd, but January 4th, I didn’t find anything but a short paragraph of an entry, her stating that nothing much had happened, but things were beginning to get busy. At the time things were getting busy, the wedding planning had started, and Matt had started writing, and the guys and I had begun throwing ideas around for the next record. I was torn between two places, and busy hardly described it.

I moved onto the next entry, seeing the date was five days later, January 9th. Apparently she didn’t write in it every day, it was only like a place for updates on interesting and important things; a place to spill thoughts.

Dear Diary

Jesus fucking Christ. Things are so fucking hectic it’s not even funny. Val’s pulled me neck deep into wedding planning, and I can’t even catch a breath. But I’m so excited about it all that it’s not too bad, but still. I’d like to get a day off or something, but so much is going on it’s not even funny. Thankfully though today I had a day off from non-stop planning with Val. Matt had a day off from studio work so Val wanted to spend some time with him. Zacky’s gone a lot, Brian keeps pulling him off down to the studio every day, and he doesn’t get home until kind of late sometimes. If Brian ever gets a girlfriend and decides to stick with her instead of fucking her and kicking her out of his life, I’m going to take that girl shopping, or somewhere every fucking day, just to see if he likes a taste of his own medicine. And she’ll be using his credit card, too, so it’ll be getting him back for not just continuously dragging Zacky away, but for borrowing money and never giving it back, as well. But the only way that will happen is if Brian ever drags himself away from-…

The phone started ringing. Johnny’s up on Matt’s roof. I don’t know why, or how he got up there, but that was Matt calling to ask if Zacky had a ladder somewhere. I didn’t know, but I can’t help but smile at how he was actually going to try to get the midget down. I can hear them screaming at one another across the street. Cell phone’s ringing now… I’m thinking of just throwing it against the wall. This is supposed to be my day of not having to get out of bed, dammit. I’m tired of talking to people for the moment.

Nevermind, I got it. It’s Zacky. His voice is one I don’t mind at all.

xoxo, Heather

The entry wasn’t long, but as I stared at the paper, I started trying to read the erased out part after ‘If Brian ever drags himself away from’… She wrote something but erased it, and I couldn’t really tell what word, or words she erased because it was smudged from the eraser. I sighed, and closed the book, letting it rest on my chest as I rubbed my eyes, fighting tears. I just wanted her back. I didn’t even fucking care if I didn’t deserve her…I just wanted her back. I’d never hurt her again, I’d tell her I loved her every chance I got, I’d never let her go, and I sure as hell would stop-

“Zacky?! You here, man?” I heard Matt’s voice, and I sniffed, sitting up and quickly pulling myself together as I put the book back in the dresser, and rubbed my eyes, trying to get the feeling of needing to cry to go away as I heard the door to the guest room I was in open slightly. “How are you doing?” Matt asked, and I sighed, shaking my head as I looked up at him. I knew that if I said one word I’d break into tears, but I had cried so much in front of him and the guys already I didn’t really care. I wanted to tell him that I was fine, and keep my composure, but that didn’t happen.

“I miss her so fucking much, Matt.” I sobbed, my voice cracked, and I started crying again, burying my face back in my hands, tears soaking my skin and sobs shaking me.

“I know you do.” Matt said, and he walked over, and I felt him sit down beside me, a hand on my back. “We all do.” He whispered, and I just kept crying as he finally put an arm around me, pulling me into a hug as he patted my back. We stayed like that for a good few minutes, and I knew he wasn’t going to let go of me until I had calmed down, so I got myself together the best I could.

“Why the fuck did she do it?” I asked, not really meaning to, but not really being able to keep myself from.

“I wish I knew so I could tell you.” He took a deep breath and pulled away from me. “Look, why don’t you go get a shower, get on some clean clothes, and head down to the studio, okay? Brian said he had something he needed to tell us, and he sent me over here to get you.” He said, looking me in the eyes and I sighed. “Just…get out of the house, Zack. Can you do that? For us?” He asked and I nodded and he smiled and stood up. “I’ll see you down there.” He said, and walked over to the door and out it, and I wiped my eyes again. I really did need to change clothes. I was still in my dress shirt and pants from the funeral. I got up, clearing my throat and blinking the tears away as I braced myself before going out of the room and into the guest room, quickly going over and grabbing an Anthrax shirt and a pair of jeans, not wanting to linger before I ran out, shutting the door this time behind me. I paused in the hallway, wanting to just go back in and never come out, but…but I had to at least get a shower, even if I decided to not go down to the studio. I went back into the guest room with hesitance and into the bathroom, stripping down and turning the hot water on before stepping into the shower.

I barely even washed off, I just cried, and had another breakdown. Half an hour had passed, at least, and I couldn’t cry and scream at the air anymore. I got out, dried off, got dressed, and walked out of the room. I didn’t even feel like I was in control of myself anymore. Like I was just here, in my mind, and my body was controlling itself. I made my way sluggishly down the stairs, not a single thought running through my mind as I got my shoes on, and numbly opened the front door, walking out into the dark and getting into my car, backing out and driving off down the road. Ten minutes of silence met me before my cell phone started ringing in the console, and I glanced at it, seeing Brian’s face. I reached down and got it as I stopped at the main red light, not even two blocks from the studio.

“What?” I asked, and I hardly recognized my voice. I sounded like I had just been hit by a train going full speed and was in the hospital with a tube in my throat trying to live.

“Zacky, are you on your way? I really need to talk to you, right now.” Brian said and I sighed heavily as I pulled into the parking lot.

“Just pulled up.” I said, and hung up. I got out of my car, putting my phone in my back pocket before I shut the door. I walked up to the door and opened it, walking in, and down the short hall, making a left and finding Johnny, Brian, and Matt. Brian stood up, from a chair close to the door and looked at Johnny and Matt, who were sitting next to one another, and then looked back at me.

“Into the booth.” He said and I sighed, aggravated, and not sure why he even wanted me here, but I walked over to the soundproof booth, opening the door and going in, and he followed, shutting the door behind him.

“What do you want, Brian? I’m really not in the mood to do a-”

“I know, I know, I can tell, you look like hell, but this is important.” He said and took a deep breath, seeming almost panicked. He closed his eyes for a second before looking up at me. “Zacky, I’m only telling you this because I care about you, I mean…you like a brother to me, and I’ve kept it in my head for so long, because I couldn’t tell, because I don’t know… I guess I didn’t want it to end, but since Heather’s gone…” He seemed to be struggling with himself, and the words seemed hard for him to day. “We were going to tell you, I swear, but the day we were going to…she never showed up, because she was at the bridge.” He paused for a breath. “Matt and Johnny are just here to assure you don’t hurt me for what I’m about to tell you, but I didn’t tell them that, and I really deserve every punch, and everything you’re going to do to me, probably.”

“Brian, what is it?” I asked, just wanting to go home. I didn’t want to be around anyone right now. He took a deep breath, calming down, his expression going seriously blank.

“Zacky…Heather and I have been seeing each other behind your back for the past year and a half.” I felt like he just took a mic stand and bashed me in the face with it. Actually, I hoped he had. He noticed my facial expression, like someone had just punched me in the stomach. “She found out she was pregnant the day before you proposed to her.” He went silent for a second. “It was my kid, Zack.” I felt like I was going to be sick. “We never stopped. Even after you proposed. But we were going to tell you. I swear we were, but the day we were she never showed. She jumped off the bridge instead. I guess it was all too much.” Brian’s voice got soft as he looked down. “I loved her.”

“Shut the fuck up, you lying bastard.” I growled, and he looked up at me from the floor. “You’re fucking lying to me. She’d never do that to me.” I said and he shook his head.

“But she did. And I’m so fucking sorry, Zacky.” He said, apologetically.

“Fucking stop it, Brian!” I yelled. “She’d never fucking do that to me!” I yelled and he stepped up to me, taking me by my shoulders.

“Zacky-” I cut him off as I punched him in the face and his hands fell from my shoulders, his expression slightly hurt.

“Don’t fucking lie to me, you son of a bitch.” I spat, and he just stood there. I walked around him and out the door. Matt and Johnny were already standing.

“Zacky what happened?!” Johnny asked frantically as I walked past the two of them.

“Zack! Come back here!” Matt demanded as I walked out of the room, and then out of the building. Heather wouldn’t do that to me. She wasn’t like that. That was how I was, not her. She wasn’t fucking like that. I threw open the door of my car and got in, slamming back just as the door to the studio opened and Matt ran out. I peeled out just as he slammed his fist down on the hood, and turned, barely missing him as I sped off out of the parking lot and the tires screeched as I got on the road. It couldn’t be true. I needed to get home, and I needed to find the last entry she wrote in that diary. I needed to see what it said. All of a sudden the tables had been turned on me. Everything that I had been doing to her was turned around and she had been doing the same thing. But she couldn’t have. She wasn’t like me. I got back to the house within minutes, and I got out of the car and ran in, not even kicking my shoes off, just locking the door before I ran up the stairs. I stormed into the guest bedroom, and opened the top drawer with the diary. I started roughly flipping through pages, and I had to go back a few when I noticed the written pages ran out. I got to the last entry, the day she jumped: February 3rd. I found a confession, I found love, I found heartbreak, and I found that she finally figured me out.

Zacky,

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I guess…I guess I just need some kind of closure. To me, to you, to us…to everything. It makes me feel a little better about writing this and starting it with your name; it makes me think that I’m writing it to you and putting it in plain sight for you to find. I just hope you do find this. I’m not going to hide it behind the baseboard behind the bedroom door anymore. I’m still hiding it though, because I don’t know if I really want you to find it, I’m just not hiding it so hard.

I love you, okay? I do, and I know you love me, even though we’ve both done some…terrible things behind each other’s backs. Before saying anything here, I want to tell you about what I’ve done.

I’ve been fucking Brian behind your back since just about a week after the one year anniversary of Jimmy’s death. He was so fucked up… You remember how he was that whole year, don’t you? He was terrible, but then just as he started to get better Dec. 28th came up again and just… It ripped him apart. Hell, it ripped me apart. We were both fucked up, but…but we were fucked up together, and that seemed to make all of the bad things go away. It made all the bad things go away until the next day we found ourselves trying to come up with plans for him to try to get me away from you, and ways for the two of us to sneak away every once in a while and just be together. I didn’t love him, I can assure you that much. But…but then you started to say a lot that Brian was needing you down at the studio. Actually, you had been saying it a lot even before Brian and I started seeing each other. Like…a good year before.

When Brian and I started our ‘thing’, I noticed that when you’d say Brian needed you down at the studio, I’d call him, and he’d come over, or he’d show up a few minutes later. Then I started adding things together when you left your phone at home one day when Brian ‘needed you at the studio’ and this girl called named Jessica, and wanted to know when you’d be over and if you were on your way. I didn’t say a word to her, I didn’t even say hello, I just hung up. That happened about two weeks before Brian and I got together. I was already fucked up over finding out that you were cheating on me, and the anniversary of losing a guy I thought of as a big brother just really hurt me. But Jessica and you…that hit me hard, and I guess that’s one reason why I started seeing Brian; I wanted revenge, but we got into each other, and couldn’t really stop. But through it all, I couldn’t help but still love you.

I don’t know how long you’ve been seeing this ‘Jessica’ girl, but…but everything is weighing on me, and it’s all really fuckin’ heavy, Zacky. With the wedding planning going on, with all of these thoughts in my head… I mean…we’re both cheating on one another, Zacky. How fucking much do we really love one another if we can’t be with each other without being with someone else? I know I love you despite it all, and I know that even though you were cheating on me, you still proposed to me, so you must still love me too, right?

It doesn’t even matter anymore; I won’t be here very much longer for you to love me, anyways.

I’ve got to go now.

Bye Zacky.

I love you.

I sat on the bed, my lungs suddenly heavy in my chest, and my head swimming. I could feel the tears falling from my eyes and rolling down my cheeks, but hardly paid attention to them. It was all eating at me, all of these emotions, and feelings…it was fucking with me, and I couldn’t take this shit anymore. I didn’t want to live with it. I looked down at the diary again, and carefully ripped the last page out, letting the book fall from my lap after, and I stood up, the tears slowly stopping and the numb feeling growing as I folded the small sheet of paper up, and slipped it into my pocket, walking towards the door. I was lucky I didn’t fall down the stairs as I walked down them, and to the front door. I opened it and walked out, the sky darker than when I was going into the house. I got in my car, and backed out, driving as calmly as possible at seventy five.

I couldn’t do it anymore. I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to live with the feeling of hurt because she cheated on me, and I did the same to her. If I was feeling this now after I just found out about her and Brian…then I couldn’t even imagine the hell she must have lived in for the year or so after she found out that I was with Jess. But I knew why she jumped now; I knew because I was feeling the same way. I guess for the time being I was just glad she hadn’t left me earlier. I didn’t have anything on my mind though, anymore. My head was clear because there was only one thing there. Everything outside the car was a blur as I sped down the road. I didn’t exactly know what hurt me the most, though. If it was that my best friend was having sex with my girlfriend-turned-fiancé behind my back for a year and a half and didn’t say anything about it, or that my long-time girlfriend that I loved with all of my heart was cheating on me with my best friend and kept it from me. I cared about the two of them just the same, but…but it hurt so fucking much.

I realized I was at the bridge in a matter of ten minutes of silent driving, and pulled off to the side. No cars were on it. It was too late for anyone to be driving. It was cold out, but it didn’t even faze me. I reached into my pocket, taking my cell phone out. I unlocked it and called Matt. I wasn’t going to just disappear without a trace. I wasn’t going to leave without a goodbye to at least one person I could trust.

“Zacky, where the fuck- what the fuck happened?! Brian’s gone missing and- and where the fuck are you?!” His frantic voice hit my ears as I got to the edge, leaning over slowly to look down at the fall.

“I can’t fucking do this anymore, Matt.” I said, and his frantic breathing stopped, the sound of his SUV in the background going down some.

“What? Zacky what are you talking about? I’m in the fucking dark here, shed some light!” he yelled and I sighed.

“Heather was cheating on me for a year and a half with Brian.” I said, and he fell silent as I started straight ahead, shaking just a little too much and having just a few too many words to say before I got onto the ledge.

“What?” Matt’s voice was confused now, and I could tell he didn’t want to believe it.

“And I had been cheating on her for a good two years or so with Jessica. You remember her, right? From high school?” I asked and he just kept slowly breathing.

“Zacky where are you?”

“I fucking loved her so much, Matt.”

“Zacky…Zacky where are you? Tell me, now.”

“She hurt me so fucking badly, and this pain I’m feeling now…she felt it for a year and a half, Matt. She found out about Jessica and I and then a few weeks later started seeing Brian. For a fucking year and a half she had this pain in her heart that I have in mine now.”

“Zacky, Zacky please tell me where you are!” Matt’s voice was strained and the sound of his car speeding was in the background again.

“I’m going to a better place.” I whispered and took the phone from my ear, putting it on speaker.

“Zacky, don’t fucking do this! Don’t! Please, we’ve already lost Jimmy, we can’t lose you too!” He screamed, his voice still strained, but tinted with fear and worry. I took the sheet of paper from Heather’s diary out of my pocket, and put it on the ledge, putting my phone on top of it. “Zacky?! Zacky, fucking talk to me! Don’t fucking do it!”

“I’ve got to, Matt. I can’t live like this.” I said, and took the step up, holding onto the railing for a second until I got my balance.

“Zacky, don’t do this to me!” He screamed again and I could tell he was crying.

“I’ve gotta jump. I’m sorry, man.” I said and took a deep breath as I looked down at the water, riddled with the reflection of the stars and the moon. I kept breathing for a second, trying to calm my nerves down as Matt kept screaming at me to get down over the phone. I could hear his car now, it was speeding down the road right behind me. “I do still love you.” I whispered, remembering Heather’s words on paper: ‘It doesn’t even matter anymore; I won’t be here very much longer for you to love me, anyways.’ I heard tires screeching about twenty feet from me.

“ZACKY NO!” He was running full force at me, ready to grab me and pull me to the ground.

“I’ll always love you, Heather. You do still matter.” I let myself fall, and felt Matt’s fingertips brush my ankle, but I didn’t have time for any of his words to register, because as soon as I hit the water I was sucked out of my conscious by a blackness, a burning in my lungs pulled the life from me, and I was forced into a numbness, but I was okay with it. I was okay. Heather was okay. We were okay, and we were in love. That was all that mattered.

No one really ever figured out why I did it. Johnny, Brian and Matt all guessed it was the hurt, but it wasn’t the hurt. It was the feeling that I had ruined Heather’s life. I ruined her whole life, and mine to. All I did was cause pain, and be dealt pain. But it wasn’t entirely the pain that drove me to jumping. It was this feeling eating away at my heart and soul. It wasn’t all the pain’s fault. The pain drove me there, and hurt gave me the strength to get up on the ledge.

But the guilt pushed me off.