Dark Side

I was sitting there at my desk on a chair. I had my headphones in and Anberlin music blaring in my ears. The noise helped me keep some of the thoughts away. It was good. A couple of songs in, there was a knock at my door. It was so faint that at first I thought I’d imagined it so I replayed the previous song and let myself get lost in the music. Just as the song ended I heard another sound, another knock on the door. I definitely hadn’t imagined that. Pulling the ear buds out of my ears, I stood up from the desk and moved over to open the door.

Harry was standing there with the other boys behind them. “Hey guys.” I smiled, wondering what had brought them all to my room. Had Liam said something? Had Harry said something? None of them seemed shocked or worried so this had to do with something entirely different.

“We came to invite you to dinner with us, love.” Harry's voice was soft and he smiled at me, making my heart beat a mile a minute. I caught myself from showing how badly he affected me. I couldn't help but always ask myself what he was doing to me. He seemed to care so much but he barely even knew me. It was mystery to me why anyone would care about me in the first place, but I shook that thought from my mind.

“Dinner?” Just the word by itself made me want to run to the bathroom and purge though there was nothing in my system at that moment. Nothing at all. I swallowed hard, waiting for one of them to reply to me.

“Yes, dinner. You know, that time of day when you eat a meal?” I nodded my head, rolling my eyes. Why would they want to take me out? Maybe it was because my mother was out of town for a while and they didn’t want me to starve. Little did they know I already was. Would turning down their invitation make me look suspicious? None of them ever saw me eat anything.

“Um… alright.” As soon as the words escaped my mouth I was immensely angry at myself. Why had I just agreed to that?

With no time to think about it, I grabbed a jacket that had been hanging on the desk chair and slipped it on, then followed them out to the car. Once we were all inside, someone turned the radio on and we began to drive toward the restaurants in town. My thoughts were running through my head; why had I agreed to go to dinner? I didn’t eat. Now I would have to eat. Eating meant purging later and purging meant guilt, which then meant hurting myself because I deserved it. I kept putting myself through things that I didn’t have to. I could have said no thanks. I could have went back to my laptop and listened to music, but no. I hadn’t. Something about Harry's expression made me agree. He seemed… hopeful.

Damn him. He was making me feel something and I didn’t know if I liked it. The rest of the ride was spent in silence on my part. I’d ended up sitting next to Harry somehow and the rest of the boys were chatting about an upcoming show. Harry was quiet too and I didn’t want to break the silence. Not yet anyway. Once we arrived at the restaurant and parked, I got out of the car and walked in ahead of them. Moments later they followed me in and a waitress led us to a booth big enough for all of us. I slid in first and Harry ended up next to me once again. Was that luck or a curse? Now that he was sitting next to me I couldn’t even think of my scars.

My eyes instantly darted down to look at the menu. Everything was expensive and full of calories and I knew that I didn’t need any of those in my body. But I was there at the moment, and not eating when I’d agreed to come out and eat would be risky. Caving in and knowing I’d get revenge on myself later, I ordered some spaghetti with light sauce. Like it would help. But it was better than having the regular sauce that was loaded with empty calories. After what seemed like a lifetime later, the waitress finally came back with our food and I picked a fork up. Twirling the spaghetti around, I took a few bites, pausing for a few minutes between bites. I didn’t want to be eating.

“You know,” Niall began, swallowing the mouthful of food down, “to be quite honest, I haven't had a real meal in so long. In fact, I don't think I have eaten in the last twenty minutes. This is absurd.”

My eyes went down to the drink in front of me, I took a little sip as Louis scoffed and took one of his chips. “Lad you ate all of our bread sticks ten minutes ago. You're quite pretty, you know.”

Niall chuckled, shoving another piece of food in his mouth. I wasn't sure how to react to the scene, should I have been repulsed by his actions? Of course I should have. I'm a weak eater, I thrive for the perfect body and I would do anything to achieve that goal. Even if it meant killing yourself? I bit my tongue, warning my head to shut up and let me be. I took a small bite of my food and swallowed slowly. The sting I felt as the food went down was never something I could get used to. I still wasn't used to throwing my food up – even I was ever eating in the first place. My body had grown used to not eating, and now that I was slowly beginning to again, the pain in my stomach began to increase at every meal I had. I winced, before taking a gulp of my drink.

Looking up I noticed Harry staring down at me with questions written on his face. My lips perked up into the fakest smile that I could come up with before taking another horrible bite of my food. “How is the spaghetti, love?” I melted at his words, catching myself before I could choke.

My hand clenched my stomach under the table as I nodded, “It's swell, actually. Never had something like this before, guarantee I will be coming back for more, soon.” I shrugged off how horribly fake my laugh was and took another slow bite.

“You don't seem like you're enjoying it,” Harry's lips were so close to my ear, I could feel the warmth of his breath trickle down my neck, I wanted to scream. But was I caught, was this the end for me?

“I beg your pardon?” Left my lips before I could stop myself. The other boys who were minding their own business in their own conversations all halted and looked over at the petty girl with her grip as tight as can be on the fork in front of her.

“I've had their spaghetti, Lana. It isn't the best, and by the looks of it you don't seem to like it either. No need to fake your enjoyment.” I sighed, inwardly thanking God for not letting my secret come about. “I mean, if you want something else I will pay for it, just let me get the -”

“No! I mean, no thank you, it's fine, Harry.” I bit down on my lip, listening to my heart race inside my chest.

Harry chuckled, “Alright, whatever you say.”

I felt weird, then, absolutely confused on the scene that just took place. If I hadn't been more careful I would have been found out and screwed. I sighed, taking another sip of my drink. Glancing around, I noticed that the guys had cleared their plates. My eyes scanned the room, realizing then that there was a dance floor across the room. Dinner and dancing. How quaint. “Lana, would you care for a dance?” The words came from a mouth close to my ear. It was Harry. I’d know that voice anywhere. Blinking, I contemplated my response, I even had to retrace Harry's words and what he had just asked me. Biting my lip, my eyes looked up at him, and reluctantly I nodded my head, having nothing to say. He led me from the booth, holding my hand in his as the others followed to find partners. I could hear the boys giggle and chuckle as Harry pulled me away, and no matter how badly I wanted to turn around and give them the finger, I pulled myself together, enough to restrain my actions.

Harry pulled me close to him, our faces close together. He smiled down at me and I was smart enough to slip up a small smile back at him. As we danced, we found the other boys dance with each other. Niall and Liam were together, while Zayn and Louis fondled in jokes. It was very funny, and I tried to fake a laugh as best I could, but it didn't come out like I had wanted it to. Soon after we had all had one dance, a fast paced song that I have always enjoyed blared through the speakers. I chuckled as Louis jumped into Liam's arms, shouting about how they always used to sing the song on the bus. The song, 'Oh No!' by Marina and the Diamonds rang through my ears as Harry grabbed my hands and pulled me farther from the boys, like he wanted me all to himself. His eyes locked with mine as the smile on his lips got wider. I watched as he licked his lips and glanced down at my lips. I could feel my heart begin to beat faster and before he could even lean down, Niall danced over to us and pulled us closer to the center. Harry sighed heavily and gave me a small smile.

The music continued as he pulled me to the center of the floor, where we could have been the center of attention if the music wasn't as fast. But this music was, and Harry seemed to know how to dance to this, and I liked it. Harry gently twirled me out as our feet danced to the beat. I began to laugh as Harry twirled me in and out, then we partially shimmied before our hands clasped together again.

The other boys shuffled around, bumping their butts together as they shook their hands in the air like “jazz fingers”. Harry and I laughed as they made fools out of themselves. Niall mimed out a lasso and hooked it around Louis, who winked and mimed with him until they were right in front of each other where they began to do the 'stanky leg' and every other absurd American dance. Surprisingly I let out a howl of a laugh and then clamped my hand on my mouth to hold it in. Harry stared at me, eyes wide. He looked like he was admiring something, it looked like he had seen the sun for the first time in his life.

The song soon finished and began to get quieter, then signaling some older couples to come out and dance. Smiling up at Harry I gestured back over to the table, but as the slower song began to play I looked up with a delightful expression. Bon Iver was playing through the speakers. I chuckled to myself, of course this song would play, while Harry and I danced together. Harry caught my drift, but instead of saying anything, he just pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around my waist. Nervously, I raised my hands and placed them around his neck and we began moving, twirling, gliding around the floor. As romantic as it was, and how erratic my heart was beating from how close our faces were, all I could think of was how close his hands were to the scars on my hips.

Still we continued to move as he held me close; I could hear his heartbeat and that made me smile slightly. As we spun around once more I saw all the guys slow dancing together as well; Niall's hands hung lightly on Zayn's shoulders while Louis laid his head on Liam's chest, grinning like a love struck high school girl at prom. This scene was something I had become used to when living with the boys, and I laughed, and it again surprised me. This lasted for a few more minutes, then the song was over and we separated. The guys slowly joined us. I could overhear Niall and Zayn talking about how great they're partners were, laughing as they mimed their silly dancing to each other. Liam was going on and on about how his butt heart from “booty bumping” Niall so many times, and Harry was watching me. All I could do was stay quiet; my head was spinning, these feelings were growing faster every second. We loaded back into the car and headed for home. I spent the whole ride looking out the window, holding back tears. After having a wonderful time tonight, all I could do was think otherwise. I was mad at myself for eating, but not sticking up for myself in the first place. Why didn't I just get a salad? Would it have shown too much to the boys? I caved in at my mistakes, weakness shoved itself at me and I knew I deserved to be punished for it.

As soon as the car stopped at home, I bolted from the car and rushed to get the front door open, telling Liam I needed to pee, when he asked what was the rush for. Racing through the living room, I rounded the corner and stomped up the stairs, where then I went down the hall to my bedroom. Once inside I slammed the door and made sure to lock it this time, a feature I rarely used. The tin box was exactly where I’d left it and I picked it up, getting the razor out of it and gripping it tightly. The tears began to fall even before I stepped into the bathroom.

…

Now, I could get rid of everything I was forced to eat. I felt a chill go up my spine, but it felt nice. I was alone, I could finally have my time. I would have done this anyway, but now it was even better. A pang of guilt and anxiety kept hitting me in the chest, the stomach. I felt so sick to my stomach. I ran to the bathroom, locking the door in the process. After turning on the sink I fell to the ground and lifted up the toilet seat.

You're disgusting. a voice whispers hauntingly in my ears, and I knew by now not to disagree with it. After all, I was never one to argue with the truth.

Helplessly, I glanced back at the stained wooden door behind me, its brass doorknob locked tightly. No one bursts in, reprimanding me for what I’m about to do. No one pounded on the door, begging me to stop. No one even knocks politely, wondering why I’ve been in the restroom for so long.

I lean over the toilet, still standing, and shove my finger as far back into my mouth as possible. The first time I gagged a lot and managed to spit, but nothing of substance pushes it’s way up through my stomach. My eyes were beginning to water up, but I ignored the feeling and try again.

I want to be normal. I want to be skinny. I needed to be good.

That thought process brought me back to the toilet, I leaned back over it’s rim, and push my finger back down my throat. I gag and cough, sputtering as tears of pain and frustration rolled down my eyes. Why couldn’t I manage to throw up this time? Again, I tried, shoving harder, and this time, it worked. I threw up the dinner, the disgusting taste in my mouth burned at my tongue, but I feel so much better, more empty. I get up from the ground, my legs shaking like never before, and hoist myself above the sink. Grabbing my tooth brush I brush my teeth repeatedly until the foul taste has been ridden. I threw my tooth brush down and slid against the wall. This still wasn't enough, I still didn't feel as complete as I should have. So, grabbing the tin box that I brought with me into the bathroom, I flipped open the lid and stared at the silver weapons lying perfectly side by side. They were calling me, almost, and it sounded sickening, but I liked it for a reason.

I lifted up my shirt to find the best place on my sides. My small fingers then picked up the first razor it touched, and without hesitation I laid the sharp edge against my skin and slid it across. The first cut is always the most difficult, no finesse, just a piercing pain to wake me up. I focused my entire being on that white line, watch it turn red, dark blood seeping from the shallow cut, overflow, wipe it down. I exhale as the second cut traces a white path parallel to the first. A third path makes it's way down my leg, then a fourth, a fifth... After eight slashes, I was done. I felt something familiar after I finished, it was slight bliss, a formation of guilt as well, which I didn't like. Liam's face was in the back of my head, and then Harry's; what would they say? You're stupid, they won't find out, they won't say anything. A sigh comes out of my mouth as I realized how true that was. After standing back up on my feet, my legs shaking, I walked over to the sink where I wiped down my hip and my leg, then let the blood well up again, wipe it off, repeat...

When the lines stop weeping blood, I start rubbing a wet paper towel mixed with peroxide on my cuts. I haven't done it this way in a while. The sting bites fiercely enough to bring tears to my eyes, I blink them away before they get a chance to fall. This is control, I'm in control of the pain and the tears, this is making me strong, the anguish slowly recedes. The sharp sting mellows to a deep burning, and I rub some more of the liquid fire into my leg. A few more applications, then I bandage my hip up. The cuts are burning, but it feels alright now. My focus came back. I could breathe again. A deep shuddering breath, I waited for the inevitable guilt to make it's appearance. And if it wasn't for my exhaustion after cleaning and putting everything away, I would have been able to notice it. After putting the box safely away, I crawled onto my comfortable bed and slowly took off into darkness.