Dark Side

The bright light shining in from the window and onto my face wasn't exactly the cause of waking me up. I heard numerous voices yelling outside in the backyard. I sat up from my bed and stretched, wincing at the movement that caused a slight pain at my fresh cuts. After I stood up I walked over to the window and watched as Niall and Harry scream while they jumped into the pool. I laughed quietly to myself as they repeated their routine. Thinking of going out to watch them some more, I headed over to my dresser and pick out a white band shirt and a pair of capris. After brushing my teeth and combing through my hair, I took my medication before hopping down the steps and flying out onto the porch. I walking over to the bench near the pool and sat down quietly, still watching as the two boys goofed off, shoving each other under the water. As they both submerge, their eyes landed on me, smiles on both of their faces.

“Where's my brother and the others?” I asked with curiosity.

Niall coughed out water as he chuckled, “Liam and Louis went out to get food for tonight's dinner,” He winked at me and rubbed his stomach, I snorted out a laugh before covering my mouth.

Harry smiled, “Zayn is still sleeping, that bastard,” Niall took his chance and grabbed the water noodle and slapped Harry in the head with it.

“Aye!” He hollered, giving him a grumpy look. “Don't whack me with my willy or I'll shag you tonight!”

“Oh, God no!” Niall whined, diving under the water to escape Harry's threat.

“Aha!” Harry charged, leaping onto Niall's back. He stuck his arm in the air and kept a poker face expression as he rode Niall through the water. “King Willy the First has arrived. Stand back you fools!” He whacked the air with his noodle and began to make foolish noises. “C'mon, lad! You can do better than that!”

Niall rose above the water to make odd whale sounds. Or was it dolphin sounds? “Eeeeeeee!” He moaned as he dove under again and swam quickly around the pool again.

“That's how we do it, my trusty animal human thing!”

“Oh,” I awkwardly said as I began to stand up, “Well thanks for telling me, I'm going to go back inside then.” I watched as Harry struggled to get out of the water and head up towards me.

“You can't leave now, you barely just got here!” He was fairly cute when he whined, his precious smile was only half when his dimples appeared; my heart stuttered as his soaking hand held onto my upper arm.

I shook my head, “I've been here for much longer than that, Harry.”

Again, he began to argue, I forced back my opinion. “Well, I know a way that you can't leave, Lana,” He had a sly smirk on his face. His eyes looked at me up and down, and only just as he began to pick me up, did I scream. His hands wrapped around my hips, the toughness of the force was painful, I could literally feel the cuts reopening.

“ Harry no! Please! Put me down, I don't want to go in!”

Harry winked at me and then turned to Niall who was floating in the water with a large grin on his face. “Too bad, Lala!” And then he made a running jump; again, I could feel the roughness of the cuts. As we landed in the water, the chlorine reacted eerily to the wounds and it began to sting horribly. I winced as I submerged myself from the water. Harry's arms were still partially wrapped around me as I blinked the water out of my eyes.

“You're a fucking dick!” I cried as my arms shoved away from him. “When I say that I don't want to do something, you should be man enough to agree and let a lady go!” My rambling went on, but neither of the boys listened, they were both too busy staring at the water. I stopped mid sentence and slowly looked down. I gasped, the water was slowly beginning to turn red. “Shit,” I mumbled before racing for the stairs of the pool. I leaped up and ran quickly into the house, where I slammed it shut and slid on the floors all the way to the carpet stairs. I acted like a gorilla as I ran up the stairs on my hands and knees. As I approached my door I swung it open and slammed it shut behind me. Tearing off my shirt and throwing it to the ground I ran into the bathroom and grabbed a towel, which I began to dab the cuts with. I cursed quietly to myself, mumbling about Harry for being such an idiot. But it was all my fault in the end, I shouldn't have gone off on him like that. Maybe the boys didn't see the blood, maybe I was just imagining all of it.

Another sigh escaped through my pale lips as I walked back out into my room. I stood myself in front of the mirror and shook at the girl in the reflection. She looked horrible. She looked almost gauntly, her bones weren't yet beginning to stick out, but she was somewhat skinny – in other people's eyes. But for me, it just wasn't enough. The girl's face was fairly decent, but it wasn't perfect, and it made me sick. When it came to all the scars on her body, I felt so vulnerable, trapped, like I was never going to escape this. As I fixed the awkwardness of my pants and my bra, the door swung open and closed, leaving Harry to be right in front of me.

“Oh my god, get out!” I cried, using what was closest to me, which was the blood-soaked towel, to hide my body. I stared at Harry, who stared at me, long and hard. He slowly walked over to me, his eyes were locked on mine as he slowly took the towel out of my hands.

“What are you doing to yourself, Lana?” His voice was a pained whisper, and I could see his eyes begin to slightly water.

“Don't,” I backed away, looking to the side so there would be no feelings if I looked back into his eyes. My voice was so weak, and once again, I was too vulnerable to try to hide it all. I watched as Harry slowly moved his eyes down my body. His eyes stopped at my arms, which were shaking just slightly. He pulled my left arm towards him and stared at the groups of scars which lingered all down my forearm and wrist. His fingers caressed each one slightly, I began to feel him shake. He sniffled a few times, too. Just after that he gently let my arm go and pulled the towel away. He knelt down and looked deeper at my new cuts. The blood was still dripping, so he took the towel and dabbed at it softly.

Harry shook his head at me as he got back on his feet. His eyes wandered around my body, noticing how I was becoming so skinny so quickly.

“No,” Harry whispered, his eyes trailing back up to mine as he stood closer. “You can't do this.”

“I can't stop.”

“Why?” He stepped closer to me, and I was frozen, unaware of the tension in the air that surrounded us. [url=http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=51106202 ]“Why do you do it?”[/url]

I didn’t know what to say to him. How do you tell someone that your life is hell and you have to hurt yourself to feel?

That’s right, you don’t tell someone that.

Still, he continued to insist. “Lana, tell me why you do it…” He stepped closer, so close that we were nearly pressed together. He was doing it again, that thing where he made my heart beat fast and my thoughts race. He had a habit of that.

“Because…” I began and his eyes locked on me, the pain still blatantly clear in his expression. He wanted to understand. “Because… I wanted...I need to feel something.”

Once the words were out of my mouth, they hung in the air like storm clouds for what seemed like ages. It was only about a minute in reality, then it happened. Harry leaned in and his mouth pressed against mine. I was frozen for a moment, my eyes wide and my mouth pressed against his, then I reacted. I kissed him back, my own mouth moving gently against his as we shared one more kiss before he pulled away.

“Did that make you feel something?” He whispered, his warm breath blew against my skin.

My lips began to quiver, I didn't understand what just happened, but I knew I liked it. A lot. I licked my lips and looked up into his eyes again. “I think it did.” He gave me a shy smile before gesturing to my bathroom. I followed, not sure what he was doing until he surprisingly found the peroxide and bandages. He sat down on the toilet seat and gently pulled my closer to him. All of these feelings that swirled inside of me were getting out of hand, for some reason that kiss triggered so much more than I'd wanted.

“This might sting a little. You tore it good,” He mumbled before dabbing the gauze on my cuts.

Wincing, I looked down and watched him. “You were the one who grabbed me,” A sigh blew through his mouth as he nodded. He looked up at me with sadness in his eyes.

“I'm sorry,”

“Please don't be,” I whispered back.

Minutes passed before either of us spoke, but it wasn't me who broke the silence. “You really need to stop, Lana. You can't be doing this,”

“You knew this whole time, Harry, you could have stopped me before it got this bad,” I countered back, slight venom in my words. I laughed inside my head, he couldn't stop this no matter how hard he tried. And why would he?

“I didn't know, I guess I didn't want to believe it. Liam let you do this?” He asked with confusion.

“No!” I yelled before giving an apologetic grimace. “I mean, no, he didn't. This is going to be so. . .”

“So what?” Harry prodded as he capped the peroxide and set it aside. We both walked into my room where I grabbed the first shirt in my drawers and gesture to my bed. The two of us sat down across from each other, yet close enough to touch. “Tell me everything, Lana,”

My lips couldn't grasp this, I couldn't catch onto the right words. “It's too complicated. I can't talk about it. You just wouldn't understand.”

Within a second Harry grabbed my face and kissed me again, explosions setting off in my ears. “Try me,” He whispered against my ears. I gave in, letting out a loud sigh as I opened my mouth to explain. I told him everything. From the start of why I had done all of this, how I felt so horrible about myself, how every inch of me I just wanted to burn off. I somehow managed to explain all of this to him with as few tears as possible. His facial expressions killed when me when I explained every point of my actions, I could definitely tell how he hated this, all of this. I told him about how that first day in college really set me off. I'd never felt like I was good enough, and once I hit college, it got to me, that I wasn't ever going to be good enough. That was until I began to get pills from my room mate that helped lose weight. It wasn't that great until she'd suggested not eating for awhile. At first I found that to be the dumbest idea, and then I went half a week without food, and I could already see a different. And sadly, I enjoyed it.

It was when I began to lose that battle that I began to self harm. It was like my only source. Until I put the two together, and it felt like I was going to be okay, like I was going to be good enough for once. I thought I was doing great until that day that I was taken to the hospital and threatened with a rehabilitation center. I'd seen the look in Liam and my mom's eyes and promised them I wouldn't. I sadly told Louis how I began slowly to get better, but within the first two weeks, I lost control and caved in. I saw him frown, I watched him flinch as I explained the details of my self harm. He'd grabbed my hand when I began to cry and stare at my scars.

After I had gotten done opening up completely to him, we sat there, staring at each other. Silence hung in the air so easily. And then he kissed me again, for the third time, and I let him. He looked me in the eyes, the eyes that watered so easily; “Promise me that you will never do any of that again. Promise to let me show you the better ways, let me show you that you are good enough, that you are beautiful in every single way. Promise me that. Let me do it. Let me save you from this. Let me save you.” And I didn't hesitate as he said all of this. Because I knew how serious he was, I knew he wasn't lying to me, not with this, not with anything. I nodded, whispering a small yes before crawling into his arms and just resting there, listening to his patient heart beat, beat for me.