Dark Side

Word on the street is that our lovely Harry Styles has found himself a bird. These past two weeks they have been seen together alone, as well as with the rest of the boys around Liam Payne's hometown. It has been said that this new girl of Harry's in none other than Liam's older sister Lana Payne. Harry sure knows how to pick them! Last night the two were caught at Molly's Bar and Grill on a special date. Their smiles and hand holding says it all. The two haven't just been spotted now, but over the past couple weeks the pair has been all over the place - and that could only mean that Harry is seriously about this one - especially if he flaunts her in public.

Wednesday, Harry tweeted "Cross my heart and hope to die, I'll see you with your laughter lines." Lyrics from a song called 'Laughter Lines' by the famous Bastille. Needless to say, Harry wasn't being sneaky as to who that tweet was for. And not even ten minutes later, Miss Lana tweeted back "When you just can't seem to shake the weight of Living, it's the sun in your eyes." Which is yet another song from Bastille. This couldn't be a coincidence now can it? We are still trying to dig around and figure out these two, so all that we have to say is nice going Harry, what a beauty!

My eyes locked onto the magazine that sat right in front of me, lying on the table. I couldn't believe that it had finally come out that Harry and I were a couple. I was still surprised myself. We had only known each other for two months, but it felt as if we had been friends for so much longer. But I was pleased with how things were going for us – for me. I was finally doing better, I was smiling more, breaking out of my shell. Harry and I weren't dating, at least not officially. He hadn't ever asked, but he took me on many dates. It may have looked like were were together in the pictures, but I ignored the rumors and kept telling myself that we were friends. Friends that would kiss at the end of every date. He didn't kiss me much, and I was all right with that. He knew not to push further with me, he made me feel comfortable. He wanted to focus on getting me better, rather than the physical state of our relationship – whatever it was.

Today was going to be different, though. While the boys went out to an amusement park about an hour away, Liam stayed behind and told me to change and be ready by eleven. The fact that he planned a day with his mentally insane sister – don't say that; no negative self talk. Remember what Harry said. I blinked my eyes slowly, taking in each syllable of my thoughts, processing them. Good. I was shocked to say the least that my brother had put time aside for the two of us. After the fight between the two of us we were never alone, it was always all the boys and then me. We'd catch ourselves in casual conversation here and there; and when mum was home we acted like everything was perfectly fine. But when she'd leave on another business trip, things went right back to how they were. So as I had said, I was shocked about today, but I didn't let it get to me.

After slipping on a pair of black leggings with white skulls spread across them, a light purple shirt without a jacket, I slipped on my Toms and made my way downstairs where Liam was waiting on the couch, his cellphone in one hand and the remote in the other. As if he felt my presence he looked up and smiled before turning off the television and hopping to his feet.

“Let's get walking, yeah?” Liam guided me to the door, slipping on his shoes.

My eyebrow lifted, “What about the fans?”

Liam chuckled, “And that is why the boys tweeted when and where they would be today. No one is going to be out and about looking for me. We are in the clear.”

“Smart lot, those boys are,” I mumbled, stepping off the last step before following Liam to the sidewalk. I walked in step with my brother as we passed familiar houses and trees that were climbed by my neighbors and I when we were younger. “So why the park?” I looked up and bit my lip, unsure of his reply.

Liam looked down at me and smiled, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me close to his side, “I'll be going on tour in a few months, and I'm always with the boys. I feel like it's never us anymore. You're my sister for crying out loud, I miss you.” I averted my gaze at his words, a faint smile creeping onto my pale lips.

“But you didn't answer my question about why you chose the park,” I laughed.

“Oh, yeah. Well that was our favorite spot as kids, after growing up no one has really gone there anymore. We have so many memories there, Lana.” My head looked straight ahead at the corner of the street that we needed to turn to get to the park.

“We did have some fun times there, didn't we?” We arrived at the park minutes later and it all suddenly came back to me, the scene overwhelming me with no control. I felt emotional just then and I could have sworn in Liam's eyes I saw the same thing. “Race you to the swings?”

“You're on,” Liam barely got to spit that out before I shoved him behind as I raced for the swings. I heard Liam not much farther behind me, laughing at how awkward I ran in my shoes which were undoubtedly not made for running. I leaped forward and grabbed onto the chains of the swing and flipped around and placed my butt on the plastic.

“I win!” I cheer, kicking my feet up childishly as Liam gasped for air, slowly arriving to the swing next to me.

Liam sat down and looked at the ground trying to catch his breath, “You're such a bloody cheat!”

I let out a cackle, “Of course not, Liam. How could you think such a thing?”

Liam rolled his eyes and pushed me, “You've been doing that for nineteen years, you arse.” I smiled at my brother, happy to have encouraged another fun memory from the past. My small hands finally grabbed tightly onto the chains of the swing as I kicked my feet back and forth, slowly pushing myself into the air. I stayed low enough to keep in reach with Liam as we talked.

“You want to know the real reason that I brought you out here today?” Our eyes locked as I dug my feet into the ground to stop me from swinging. I bit my lip giving him a shrug. “I do miss you, Lana. And after everything that has happened to you, I just want to make sure that everything is actually okay. Mum and I let you choose what to do have you were released from the hospital, we didn't make you go to therapy either. We had to get prescription anti-depressants an that was all. Usually when things like what you did happen, people get help, and because you didn't, I just need to know.”

I couldn't really think at that moment, my head was too jammed with thoughts all black and white. Nothing was ever color anymore, and if I could explain it to Liam, I would. My eyes averted down to my lap and I thought of what to say. “Liam, I was in a dark place,” I wanted to badly to slam my head again a brick wall, I could feel my chest tighten as the lies came flying out of my mouth. I had to squeeze my hands around the chains tightly so they wouldn't shake. “I know you wold not understand it, but it was just a time in my life where I felt the need to be perfect.”

“But that still doesn't define on why you did what you did.”

I let out a loud sigh and looked back up at Liam, “I was sad, Liam. And I still am,” Liam flinched and so I reassured him; “But it's okay to be sad Liam. I have depression - I'm sick. I will always be sick no matter how much medicine I swallow to take the edge off. It will never go away.” I blinked back a tear that tried to sneak its way out, “I will always be sad, and you and mum need to realize that soon. I may have worse days than others, but you need to learn to understand.” I didn't feel comfortable explaining this to Liam, in fact, I didn't feel comfortable explaining my feelings to anyone – let alone my own brother. My body began to fidget little by little; first my leg began to shake, and then my hands constantly fought each other. Liam quickly noticed.

My brother's eyes began to gloss over and my heart began to sink. “You shouldn't be sad though, Lana. You're my sister, you're beautiful, perfect even. Why did it have to be you.” I didn't have an answer nor a response to this, keeping quiet only made Liam go on. “You hardly ever smile anymore, Lana. Sometimes you do depending who is around and what is going on. I mean yeah, when we are all together you laugh and you smile, but once the joke is over your face falls and you begin to drift off.” I began to take in his words carefully, digesting each meaning and each word as he mumbled them. “You know, I see you with Harry a lot. I've never seen you smile as much anymore unless you're with him.”

I felt a blush creep onto my cheeks and looked back down, biting my lip in the process. I didn't want to talk about this with my own brother, I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. In fact, I didn't even want to talk.“He's a good friend, yeah.” My shoes suddenly became very interesting. Liam scoffed and pushed me lightly. I looked up and sighed, “Okay yeah, I like him and he likes me – and that I am still trying to figure out. He makes me laugh out of no where and he doesn't even have to try. He makes all of the bad thoughts go away when he walks into the room. His smile is intoxicating and very contagious. I could go on,” I finally looked up and caught his gaze, “I do like him Liam, alright?”

“So he makes you happy?”

I shrugged, “Yeah, he does. But we aren't together, Liam. I don't think it will get any further than that. Just drop it yeah?” Liam sighed, nodding in defeat as his feet dug into the wood chips below us.

“I'm not sure I want to,”

My eyes closed at the stubborn tone in his voice, I instantly felt guilty. “Liam, why is this subject so important for you?”

It was Liam's time to fidget and look anywhere other than me. He decided not to respond and for that, I was actually thankful. As Liam got up from the swing and pulled me along he stopped and made me face him. “Just promise me you won't let your future make you tear yourself apart again.” Literally. I had to respond quickly without hesitation, if he found out my bluff, I think he would kill me before I got to do it myself.

“Of course, Liam. I promise.”
But I knew that was a lie, even if I couldn't exactly see my future, I just knew. One day, and I didn't know when that day would come – I would be pressured and shoved through that dark whole. One day, I was going to crack.

You're going to hell, Lana.