Dark Side

It had been almost a month in the hospital, and today was the day I would be leaving. A part of me was ecstatic, though I showed no emotion. And the other part of me dreaded leaving. I wanted to stay and mourn over the things that I had done. I deserved being here, what I had done was stupid and some of the times I still felt like I was worthless. But throughout therapy sessions and group sessions, I had learned to begin to open up, and a part of me relished in the opportunity to start over.

I was currently waiting for Harry to arrive and pick me up. Laura had helped me pack up my things before she sent me into a closed off space where the nurses worked full time. My legs swung back and forth on the leather table as I impatiently waited. I hadn't seen Harry in a week, and though that might seem not so far away, but when I was locked up in this hospital, it felt like years would dread on as I waited each passing hour. I was nervous to see him again, but picturing his smile and his warm arms embracing me kept me going. After a few more minutes of waiting there was a faint knock before he entered. The smile on his face didn't falter as his green eyes landed on me. Before I could hop down from the table, Harry had leaped over to me and embraced me in a bone crushing hug. I took in everything, he scent, what he was wearing, the emotions plastered easily on his beautiful face. I felt like I was at home when I was wrapped into his arms.

“How are you doing, love?” He asked quietly, only pulling away so far. His hands gently touched the white gauze that had been wrapped around my wrists.

My lips faltered only slightly, “It's been hard here, Harry, but now that I am finally going home, with you, I feel so much better.”

“Good, that's how you should feel,” His smile sent shivers down my spine as he leaned forward to kiss my forehead. “Now why were you sent in here first?” He asked as he moved to my side, now kissing my cheek repeatedly.

I giggled quietly, “The nurse said I was time to take the stitches out...” My voice trailed out as we both looked down at my wrapped up wrists. I flinched slightly at the sight. Dried up blood seeped through faintly, I had to look away before getting triggered to doing something irrational. I had still been learning and practicing on my coping skills and what I should do when I have been triggered to harm myself. As of now, I had come up with listening to music, writing lyrics down in a notepad, and counting to ten repeatedly, and slowly those skills were beginning to work.

As we spoke I spotted the doctor walk into the large room, and my chest tightened. There wasn’t a logical reason behind the nervousness; it was just a reflex reaction. I was always wary of doctors. Nurses were just there to comfort you and bring you things; the doctor had the power to change everything.

Harry followed my stare, took in the man walking slowly towards us, then looked back at me. “Are you scared?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “No.”

Without speaking, he shifted closer to the table and placed his hand next to mine on the covers. It was an invitation. I looked at it numbly for a little while, not moving. When I raised my eyes again, the doctor was standing at the end of my bed.

“Morning…” He checked the sheet hanging in front of him. “How are you feeling about going home today, Lana?” I searched for an answer inside my head but came out with nothing but a shrug and a small grimace. He nodded, “It's alright to feel nervous and unsure, Lana.” The doctor gestured the nurse over to my side, who had just come into the room. “Replace these wraps with new ones after you take the stitches out. I'm going to prescribe her cream which should minimize the aches,” His eyes looked up towards me. I only nodded as he wished me luck and left the room.

I forced the confused thoughts out of my mind as I watched the nurse get a pair of tiny scissors out of her bag and get ready to take off the bandages around my forearms. Harry nudged my leg, half getting up. “Do you want me to leave?”

“Stay,” I told him, my voice indefinitely shaky.

He paused for a second, surprised, before sinking back next to me. I didn’t understand my answer much more than him, but I did know that I couldn’t be alone when this happened. Of course I didn't want to be alone, though. This was the first time I had seen my cuts since I’d first been put in hospital, as I had been under antibiotics when they had put the stitches in, and I wasn’t exactly sure how I would handle it. Even in the daylight, the demon could plague my thoughts. I could imagine already how the sight of the scars would rile her up. I needed someone next to me, and I would have wanted no one other than Harry. He placed his hand on the bed again, palm up. I took his hand immediately as the nurse held my right arm gently and began to cut off the elastic holding the bandage in place, before beginning to unwind it slowly. I watched the first layer of white disappear, then the second, and then there was only one layer left until the skin and the scars. The nurse lifted the first ribbon of bandage, I looked away. My hand that was squeezing Harry's only tightened as I let the nurse do was she needed to do. This gave me exactly what I wanted – something else to think about. Instead of looking at the raw lines across my wrist, feeling the air dance across them and the demon tremble, I concentrated on Harry's hand. His palm was warm and dry, nails wide and ragged and boyish. My own hand looked tiny, covered gently by his long fingers. I counted the tired lines on his knuckles.

I hardly felt the nurse probing around my cuts, gently clipping each stitch and slowly pulling them out. I hardly heard her too-cheerful voice announcing that they were ‘looking good’. I hardly registered Harry's eyes on my face, watching my emotions intently. I hardly saw the nurse making her way around the bed to do my other arm.

“No, no, sweets, you keep holding her. Stay there, no problem.” My vision of our entwined hands was obscured for a moment as the nurse worked on the next bandage. I shifted a little on the pillows, trying to keep them in view without catching the scars in the corner of my eye. I caught a glimpse anyway, and as soon as I looked I couldn’t tear my eyes away. The raw, half-healed cuts almost completely covered the skin of my wrist, the lighter ones in regular lines, the more recent ones criss-crossing angrily over the top. My stomach twisted wildly, and I tightened my grip on Harry. He squeezed my hand, fingers stroking the back.

The nurse didn’t even look up from checking the cuts as she spoke. “Deep breaths Lana.”

Look at what you did to yourself. Look at how weak you are. You deserve the pain. No.

“Harry,” I whispered, holding his hand tighter still, I gasped for a breath and tears began to sting my eyes. “Can you talk to me? Tell me something completely random.”

“Uh, okay.” He put his other hand over the top of mine and took a deep breath. “So, erm, I caught a fan trying to climb through the bathroom window the other day.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. She wasn’t even embarrassed either. Still had the nerve to ask for an autograph.”

I wouldn't smile, I actually couldn't. The thoughts reverberating inside my head pounded until it began to ache. “Dammit, Harry try harder... please.” My eyes met with his and I could see the pain begin to unfold in his.

“Remember the first day I met you?” He asked, licking his lips on the process. I nodded my head, not daring myself to open my mouth and speak. “As soon as you walked through the door, my breath hitched in my throat. It was like I couldn't breathe. I was blinded by your beauty. I thought that couldn't have gotten any better. But then you spoke up, and I was seeing nothing else, hearing nothing else. Your voice was so charming and light and I swear my heart began to beat on overload.” He chuckled quietly, his eyes still looking into mine. “Once I had actually met you, I kept getting this odd feelings on my stomach and I realized that they must be those butterflies that girls are always flaunting about. And when you looked into my eyes and introduced yourself, I knew from then on, I would have to make you mine. I wouldn't let anyone get in the way. Even when Liam warned me to not get involved, I ignore his protests. There were things about you, you were hiding so much, and I could tell of that all by how you presented yourself. Your beauty was one thing, but I knew behind that smile and that laugh, there was something. And I knew that I needed to figure that out as soon as possible. And I finally did...” His voice trailed as he looked down at my wrists, flinching from the sight. “I told you that I was save you, and I did.”

I felt the tears brim in my eyes and my breathing itself began to hitch. Why hadn't he told me this sooner, why now? Well, now was the best time. Harry smiled and kissed my lips lightly before returning his gaze towards the nurse. I looked away and was shocked to see that the nurse was already done, cleaning up my freshly made scars as gently as possible.

Looking up at Harry I squeezed his hand gently, “Thank you.”

The nurse smiled up at the two of us, “I wish my husband said things like that. All he ever says is “I love you” as I hand him his beers.” We all chuckled as the nurse got on with her words. “Right, so, I have to leave the cuts uncovered for now. Now, you listen to me Lana,” Her tone was stern; I raised my eyes to her face. “You aren’t to pick at them. They will be easily to tell if they have been picked or not. In three hours, this young man, or your brother, even, needs to put the cream on these scars and then they will need to be wrapped up. Understand?” She eyes the two of us, in which we both nodded. “Now go on and sign out, Lana, and don't come back. You have so much to live for,” She said quietly, her eyes gesturing up to Harry who was grabbing my bags from the side.

After the nurse left, Harry helped me off of the bed and grabbed my hand gently. Before leaving the room, I stopped him and forced him to face me. My hands gently when up to his face before I got onto my tippy toes and kissed him gently on his lips.

“What was that for?” He cheekily grinned.

“Everything, Harry. I love you so much.”

“And I love you, my little bird.”