Dark Side

Epilogue-

Epictetus once said “There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.”

What I believe he means is awfully simple. The times that you waste worrying about tomorrow, about what you're going to do, how you're going to dress – what others think about you- those are the times that you use up of your life. You aren't giving yourself the happiness that you deserve. There is only one way to be happy, and like Epictetus says, you are stronger than you think, and by using your strength to only weaken yourself by worrying, you're letting yourself go, and soon you will wither away with the rest of the hopeless.

Hopelessness was no longer my friend.

I felt a large pair of arms wrap around me as I watch Liam and Niall go against Zayn and Louis in a game. Their constant yelling and cheering when they either missed or scored a goal made me laugh. I turned around and looked up at Harry, that mesmerizing smile on his face made my heart speed up.

“I hope you're ready for this,” He grinned as he leaned down to kiss my lips. The feelings I got whenever he touched me never got old. The spark only got stronger, especially when we touched skin to skin. I let out a small giggle as Harry gestured to the stairs.

“I'm not sure what we are talking about. The tour, or -” with quick speed Harry ducked down and lifted me up on his shoulders as he darted for the stairs. My laugh became contagious as Harry followed along before pulling me into my room and locking the door behind us. Instantly Harry caressed my face in his hands as he brought his lips to mine. My hands wandered up to his shoulders and to the back of his neck where my fingers began to tangle in his hair. I felt him smile into the kiss as he slowly pushed me backwards until the back of my knees touched the edge of the bed. Without a thought I leg out of Harry and reached down to the hem of my shirt where I quickly pulled it off. Harry let out a giggle and pulled me back in for another kiss. As our clothes became remnants on the floor the kissing got much more heated just before I pulled Harry onto my bed. Our lips began to move together again, and it was like pure heaven. His warm breath against my face, his heated touch against my body. It all sent me shivers. And the shivers reminded me of why I had come to love him. And then it was like something else had taken control of me. It was like the lust and passion I felt towards Harry had won over for this short second.

My hands took control when they pulled Harry's face towards mine. The instant our lips touched, once again, was like pure fire, such a strong, passionate feeling, and I never wanted it to end. Harry's arms wrapped around my waist and got a better grip to pull me closer to him. My hands had stayed resting on his face as he kissed me. My lips began to part with his, and this kind of kiss felt good. Harry's hands began to roam on my hips; each step he took was a step towards bliss.. I could feel him lift me up just slightly so I could reach his lips better. The kissing continued, and I knew I never wanted it to stop. As he looked up at me, I gave him a small nod just before he kissed my neck. He continued to kiss down my body, stopping at my wrists to leave gentle kisses. Harry went back to my stomach and kissed further down. I gasped as his lips began to kiss my thighs and soon between them. As he went further, I could feel his fingers and his lips make contact with a foreign area. I closed my eyes and bit back a moan as I absorbed the pleasure Harry began to give me. As he came back up and kissed me again he widened my legs and placed himself in between me. But before he went any further he looked up at me with concern. I nodded my head and gave him a small smile. I expected him to concentrate on what he was doing, but his eyes stayed on me as he entered slowly. A gasp escaped my mouth as my back slowly arched. He stopped.

“Lana, am I hurting you?” I stared at him, shaking my head. After hesitation he pushed further until he settled himself. As our hips began to move in sync his face got closer to mine, our eyes never leaving each others. He was gentle, soft, and repeatedly glanced at my face to read my emotions. But he wasn't hurting me. It felt so amazing; nothing else was on my mind but him. The way he caressed me, his soft skin against mine; I could feel him now, he was as close to me as ever. Then something exploded inside of me. It began from my chest, inner mostly; my heart. It was like a cooling feeling going through my heated body. Like the feeling of walking outside into the coldness after being in a warm toasted house for so long. It felt so amazing and just plain earth shattering. The ground that we were lying on was ground zero and everything else was dead. Harry then whispered something that I knew I needed to hear, “I love you, Lana.”

~

Since the day I left the hospital, I have been living by the inspiration that is given to me everyday. And whenever a negative thought crosses my mind, I think of the happiness that I have. I am loved by many, I have a home, job, and the most perfect man in the world to keep me on my feet. I has been three months since I last self harmed, since I last thought about suicide, and since the last time I denied a meal. As all of the boys and myself finished getting ready to leave, I took a look at my home that I would be leaving for a few months. I felt the sadness grow, but when Harry came behind me and kissed my cheek, wrapping me in his arms, I sighed, looking up at him. I never gave myself much thought as to who was actually around to support me through this long and tedious journey of mine. But my eyes were wide open and I watch four boys grab their bags and load up, laughing louding, parading around in excitement. And then the boy who kept me in his arms every night, who made love to me, and kept me safe. I took at look at him, and then my family. And I knew I was loved. So as I loaded up my last bag on the tour bus, pushing Harry in front of me, I looked out the door and finally smiled; Our dark sides will always be with us, but the way to rid them from your head is to live and love. I still see my dark side time and time again, but after finally letting go of the thought of death, he let me go and gave me my life back.