Strange Story Collection

It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Noelle, woke up in a sweaty drunken state. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly stunned, Noelle threw down a few Beroccas, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Hung over as a frickin' monkey, she realized that her beloved diamond ring was missing! Immediately she called her redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Penelope. Noelle had known Penelope for eleven years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Penelope was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... clueless. Noelle called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Penelope picked up to a very happy Noelle. Penelope calmly assured her that. They would find the ring…”one day”. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Noelle. Why was Penelope trying to distract Noelle? Because she had snuck out from Noelle's with the diamond ring only three days prior. It was an enchanting little diamond ring... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Noelle got back to the subject at hand: her diamond ring. Penelope cringed. Reluctantly, Penelope invited her over, assuring her they'd find the diamond ring. Noelle grabbed her hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Penelope realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the diamond ring and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Noelle took the 'modded' Civic, she had take at least six minutes before Noelle would get there. But if she took the Ferrari, then Penelope would be very screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, seven dim-witted spiders that were lured by her diamond ring interrupted Penelope. Penelope cringed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling angered, she aggressively reached for her ripened avocado and skilfully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Ferrari rolling up. It was Noelle.

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so she knew she was running late. With a careful leap, Noelle was out of the Ferrari and surreptitiously jaunting toward Penelope's front door. Meanwhile inside, Penelope was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the diamond ring into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her hammock. Penelope was puzzled but at least the diamond ring was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Penelope flamboyantly purred. With a heroic push, Noelle opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dim-witted rationality-deprived retard in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Penelope assured her. Noelle took a seat just perfectly far from where Penelope had hidden the diamond ring. Penelope panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Noelle was distracted. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Penelope noticed a insensitive look on Noelle's face. Noelle slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Penelope felt a stabbing pain in her taint when Noelle asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the diamond ring right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Noelle's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Noelle nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Penelope could react, Noelle deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The diamond ring was plainly in view.

Noelle stared at Penelope for what must've been seven milliseconds. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Penelope groped surreptitiously in Noelle's direction, clearly desperate. Noelle grabbed the diamond ring and bolted for the door. It was locked. Penelope let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Noelle,' she rebuked. Penelope always had been a little insensitive, so Noelle knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Penelope did something crazy, like... start chucking potatoes at her or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, she gripped her diamond ring tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Penelope looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.'
Silence from Noelle.
'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Noelle. 'Oh. You...okay?' Still silence. Penelope walked over to the window and looked down. Noelle was gone.

Just yonder, Noelle was struggling to make her way through the bush behind Penelope's place. Noelle had severely hurt her armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral spiders suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diamond ring. One by one they latched on to Noelle. Already weakened from her injury, Noelle yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of spiders running off with her diamond ring.

About two hours later, Noelle awoke, her scalp throbbing. It was dark and Noelle did not know where she was. Deep in the humid bush, Noelle was abundantly lost. Happy as a frickin' monkey, she remembered that her diamond ring was taken by the spiders. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, an enlarged spider emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha spider. Noelle opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the spider sunk its teeth into Noelle's throat. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Noelle's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.

Less than three miles away, Penelope was entombed by anguish over the loss of the diamond ring. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a hasty thrust, she buried it deeply into her love handle. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Noelle... wishing she had found the courage to tell her that she loved her. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the diamond ring that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant spiders, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(