Plightless

I knotted the bow in my hair and let my hands fall by my sides. And then I just stared into the mirror in front of me, tilting my head to the side.

I wasn't sure what I was to expect. My white dress, my white shoes, the lilac boy in my hair and the lace going down my back made me look like a bride. I was a bride. I just didn't feel like one.

"You look beautiful, dear." Hands grasped my shoulders and I looked up, smiling to the mirror that reflected my mother behind me. "Shall I tie you in?"

I nodded slowly. "Please."

There were so many people walking behind me, girls in small lilac dresses holding small flowers, their hair loosely down. I was told it contrasted me and my white dress with the lilac bow in my updo-hair. If I hadn't been told, I probably wouldn't have noticed. But it was nice. Everything about the wedding was nice.

"Robert looks dashing as well. I've never seen a boy keep a smile on his face for so long." My mom laughed as she stepped away from me.

I laughed. "I can't wait to see him."

"Just wait til he sees you!" She cooed, looking at me through the reflection in the mirror. "His family, oh my, they've just been wonderful. Their help with this wedding, well you know- it's been amazing. You've really got a good one here, Molly."

She said it like I didn't know, but I did. Robert was a fantastic guy. He came from a rich family and would eventually take over a business. Fuck, he was nearly perfect. The more and more I heard about how perfect he was, or how perfect we were together, the more I started to believe it.

But there was a part of me that thought I should have known that all along.

My mom walked away, leaving me alone with the flower girls and brides maids. I sat down slowly on the small seat in the mirror and kept staring. I never pictured myself this way. Not just the wedding, but me getting married. There was only one time I ever really considered it besides this.

My heart started to pound and ache at the thought, my eyes falling away from my vision in the mirror. I couldn't think about him. Not today. Not ever.

"Fuck." I whispered as I shook my head slowly, as if shaking my head would shake away the thought of him.

Suddenly I felt a soft tap on my shoulder. I turned to see my niece Jasey, a small piece of paper in her hands. She promptly handed it to me, a devilish smile on her face, and ran away.

I held it for a moment, laughing, and then looked down.

Look out the window to your right. No, your left. Yeah. Left window. Do it. It read. I laughed, folding it in my hands before looking to my left out the window. And sure enough, there was a smile just as cheeky as the letter.

I smiled immediately at the sight before standing up and sneaking around to the sliding doors. It was a bit cold outside, snow still on the ground. Immediately I was engulfed in a couple of huge hugs.

"Molly!"

I laughed as I hugged back, closing my eyes. "Jared! I missed you big red."

"Hey now!" Another voice called beside me. "I missed you the most. This was my idea."

"I don't doubt it for a minute Patrick." I hugged Pat, smiling. Tim, Garrett, and Max were also there, smiling and giving me hugs like they hadn't seen me in forever. Because when I thought about it, they really hadn't.

Tim smirked. "You look lovely, Mol. Let's give it a spin."

I laughed at them and spun awkwardly as they whistled and cheered, making me blush.

"Fuck you guys." I laughed.

"No, you look amazing." Jared nodded, rustling Pat's hair. "Pat is drowning in jealousy as we speak."

Pat nodded. "It's true."

I let out a sigh as I turned to them, a smile on my face. "I really missed you guys. I'm sorry about not keeping in touch often and all. It's just hard, and being a bit farther away and all that shit-"

"We understand." Max smiled slightly. "Plus, Utah has it's um, charm. And what will we know you as at the end of today?"

I sighed again. "Molly Callister."

They all nodded slowly. I could see their minds working: thinking of how it could have been to what it will be. And I know they all disliked the latter. There was a part of me that agreed.

"We better get inside." Garrett smiled, hugging me one more time. "We'll see you after, Mol."

I nodded, watching as they all begin to walk away. I bit my lip. I just needed to know if I should expect him. I needed to know if I would see those eyes, here that voice, or just breathe his air again.

"Wait, um, Jared?"

He turned.

"Is he um," I paused, looking into his eyes. "Is he coming?"

Jared paused a moment, staring back at me. I could tell he was thinking. I could tell he saw right through me. I could tell he was trying to figure out what I wanted to hear.

But neither of us really knew.

So he just shook his head slowly. "Molly, I'm sorry. He just couldn't, you know how it all ended-"

"No, I get it."

"He still loves you, Mol." Jared said softly. "He acts like he's fine, but you can just tell. He hasn't been the same. John, he can't act for shit and without you, it's like he's not even there fully anymore. He misses you like hell. And I know none of that matters especially coming from me, but you just need to know."

I nodded slowly, not looking up at him. "Okay."

"Okay."

And then he left, leaving me outside in the cold. I could hear people talking inside, laughing, smiling. I wanted to be like that. To be happy and peppy because I was getting married, I wanted to be sure that today was the start of something new. But I couldn't convince myself. I couldn't let go of the idea that maybe I was still stuck there to, with John, that I wasn't fully here.

I shook my head quickly as my eyes welled up with tears. I couldn't cry; I just had my make up done. I almost wanted to laugh at the thought because the old me, that John me, wouldn't have cared.

But now I did care, because I wasn't the John me anymore. I wasn't sure who I was.

And then, like a ghost, I heard a cough behind me and chills ran down my spine. I turned softly. Soon I was staring into those green eyes, that small smirk burning into me just as I had left it before. And my heart quickened, and I felt like nothing was real.

"Molly." His voice crisp in the cold air. "Hi."

I gulped. "I thought you weren't coming."

"I thought so too."

"So why are you here, John?"

He stepped towards me, his suspenders clinging tightly to his white shirt. His sleeves rolled up to his elbows, his tattoos peeking out.

"To see you get married, of course." John laughed. "And just to see you. And I must say, I'm enjoying the sight. I can see a lilac theme going around, was that your idea?"

"No, it was the wedding planners-""

"Ah." John nodded. "You have a wedding planner?"

I shook my head quickly. "I didn't pay for it."

He smirked again, getting closer to me. "That's right, because you're marrying Prince Charming. I hear he has it all. The whole fucking american dream-"

"Well you shut the fuck up?"

"Now there's my Molly." John smirked again.

I sighed, looking into his green eyes. God I missed him. "I've always been Molly."

"If that was true, you'd never have left."

I smirked. "You know why I left John."

John shook his head, the space between us only inches apart. "Really? Because I don't think I do-"

"Allow me to refresh your memory," I laughed, taking a brace step toward him, "you told me to. You told me you were never going to change, you told me I should just leave. You said you didn't need me. So I did. And how did that work for you, I wonder?"

"I was fucking drunk!"

I rolled my eyes. "Does it matter!?"

"It does," John was almost yelling now, "because I didn't mean shit of what I said. I would have done anything for you, you knew that. Molly, I loved you-"

"You say that, but you had the weirdest way of showing it."

John grasped my wrist. "I didn't know how!"

"It's too late anyway John." I said, looking into his eyes with a new found bravery. He stared back, a breath escaping his lips like he'd known that, he just didn't want to admit it. "Look at me, John. I'm wearing this fucking white dress that fucking matches the snow. I've got a bow in my hair and a ring on my finger. I'm getting married today. I can't be with you anymore."

He nodded slowly as I turned out of his grasp. For once, John didn't try to pull my back. I took a few steps towards the screen doors of the dressing rooms, pushing the tears back before I heard his soft voice.

"You know," John paused. I didn't turn, but I didn't leave. He didn't move either as she spoke gently, "I never pictured you getting married in the winter. For me, I always saw us in the fall. Outside at night, with lights and small wooden chairs. And nothing big like this, but something small. Something that made me feel like it was just you and me and everyone we love. But in the end, I didn't care. I just wanted to marry you." I could tell he was getting closer now. I still didn't move. "I still do, Mol. I love you."

I felt his hand on my hand, his breath over my ear. "You deserved better. I'm sorry." And then I felt his soft lips on my cheek. With a peck, he was gone.

I turned to see the blank sheet of snow. My hands gripped themselves, trying to find that touch again, but it felt like a breeze had past. I touched the spot where he kissed me gently as his words sank in.

And I realized I still loved him too. What I really wanted was to see him waiting for me at the aisle, that goofy, dumb smirk on his face and suspenders holding down his wrinkled white shirt. I wanted to hold his hand, to kiss his cheek, to stay with him. But it was too late for me. Fuck, I was getting married.

"Honey," I turned at my mom's voice, "It's time!"

Fuck.

I was getting married.

I nodded slowly and followed her back inside. Everyone was all lined up, smiles on their faces. My friends smiled up at me like this was the happiest day of my life, like they were happy for me. But they had no idea.

My hands shook as the music started. My mom kissed me on the cheek. "I'm so happy for you, dear. You ready?"

All I could do was nod. She smiled and began her walk, meaning I was next. I bit my lip, looking around. I couldn't run on my own. Not again. All I needed were those green eyes. But they were nowhere. He'd probably gone. I'd probably never see them again.

And Susie, the wedding planner, gave me my queue. Everyone in the church stood up, smiling at me as I began to walk. I wondered if they saw how nervous I was, how unsure. I couldn't even look up at Robert. He loved me and I did love him. But not like John. He could never be like John.

That was the problem. As much as I could live happily with Robert, I wouldn't live the life I would with John. We weren't perfect, but we were so in love. I looked down at the floor.

Suddenly, I heard the doors open behind me again with a bang as an "OH!" escaped Susie's lips. I turned along with the rest of a church.

Looking back at me was that goofy smirk and those glowing green eyes. He was shaking his head softly, his smile growing as it met mine.

John.