Monster Inside Me
01
Everyday wake up and do the same thing, go to bathroom, strip and step on the scale, if the number is lower than last time you're safe, if the number is higher...well lets just say it won't be a very good day.
I feel like a puppet, the monster in my head tells me what to eat and what to do, people haven't seen the monster yet, but sometimes it lets words flow my mouth, those words are lies and excuses, no one catches on.
I was a nurse I should know better than to starve myself, the ladies at the hopsital questioned me, but some how I got by. I didn't talk to anyone I lived alone, I wanted to be alone with my eating disorder, but slowly it was killing me and be alone all the time, was destroying me.
Onday after a bad episode of binging and purging, I'd had enough I couldn't do this anymore, do you know what its like, everyday to not feel good, enough I save lives but I can't save myself. I called around and found a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. After a few meetings she suggested I go to a support group, I can talk to girls and boys that have the same problems that I do, so I said I'd give it a shot.
I'm sitting in my car, should I go in? Am I even thin enough? They'll laugh in my face! The eating disorder monster is trying to talk me out of it, or is it me? I get confused between who is real at times. I shut off the engine in my car, and get out and quickly walk to the building before my monster can fully talk me out of it, when I open the door I'm greeted by a man.
"Hello, are you here for the meeting?"
I can't find my voice, I feel like I'm about the throw up what did I just do? I take a deep breath and say
"Yes I'm Rosalie."
He extends his hand forward, I take it and shake it. That is how I met Jeff, the group is welcoming and encrouages me to make more friends, and I make friends within the group, I didn't think I would, I like my space, or so I tell myself.
I'm doing better and getting better slowly but surely.
Weeks have passed and I have gained a few pounds and worked on calming down the monster, but then a new demon arrives in my life, triggered by a picture, a word, and its so easy to just numb myself and let the monster roar as loud as it can, it can talk now, I won't talk back to it, I just let it go full blast. Back to starving, restricting, and purging. Flash backs of my past run through my mind, how can I escape? I get in my car and drive, drive anywhere, I need to be free. No matter where I go I can't out run the voices screaming in my mind.
I haven't been to group in weeks, I have let the monster and demon memory take over my life, but finally when I want to die, I realize I really want to live. I get back up and go back to group again, its akward, and uncomfortable, but it needs to be done, everyone ask where I've been, they are concerned for me, I'm open and honest. I realize just because things seem to be better doesn't mean I'm strong enough to battle this on my own, like last time. I need people with me to support me, like everybody here, I've made real friends, people I can count on, why didn't I just go to them before?
I cut off my puppets strings I won't let anything control me for any longer.
I feel like a puppet, the monster in my head tells me what to eat and what to do, people haven't seen the monster yet, but sometimes it lets words flow my mouth, those words are lies and excuses, no one catches on.
I was a nurse I should know better than to starve myself, the ladies at the hopsital questioned me, but some how I got by. I didn't talk to anyone I lived alone, I wanted to be alone with my eating disorder, but slowly it was killing me and be alone all the time, was destroying me.
Onday after a bad episode of binging and purging, I'd had enough I couldn't do this anymore, do you know what its like, everyday to not feel good, enough I save lives but I can't save myself. I called around and found a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. After a few meetings she suggested I go to a support group, I can talk to girls and boys that have the same problems that I do, so I said I'd give it a shot.
I'm sitting in my car, should I go in? Am I even thin enough? They'll laugh in my face! The eating disorder monster is trying to talk me out of it, or is it me? I get confused between who is real at times. I shut off the engine in my car, and get out and quickly walk to the building before my monster can fully talk me out of it, when I open the door I'm greeted by a man.
"Hello, are you here for the meeting?"
I can't find my voice, I feel like I'm about the throw up what did I just do? I take a deep breath and say
"Yes I'm Rosalie."
He extends his hand forward, I take it and shake it. That is how I met Jeff, the group is welcoming and encrouages me to make more friends, and I make friends within the group, I didn't think I would, I like my space, or so I tell myself.
I'm doing better and getting better slowly but surely.
Weeks have passed and I have gained a few pounds and worked on calming down the monster, but then a new demon arrives in my life, triggered by a picture, a word, and its so easy to just numb myself and let the monster roar as loud as it can, it can talk now, I won't talk back to it, I just let it go full blast. Back to starving, restricting, and purging. Flash backs of my past run through my mind, how can I escape? I get in my car and drive, drive anywhere, I need to be free. No matter where I go I can't out run the voices screaming in my mind.
I haven't been to group in weeks, I have let the monster and demon memory take over my life, but finally when I want to die, I realize I really want to live. I get back up and go back to group again, its akward, and uncomfortable, but it needs to be done, everyone ask where I've been, they are concerned for me, I'm open and honest. I realize just because things seem to be better doesn't mean I'm strong enough to battle this on my own, like last time. I need people with me to support me, like everybody here, I've made real friends, people I can count on, why didn't I just go to them before?
I cut off my puppets strings I won't let anything control me for any longer.
♠ ♠ ♠
Hope you enjoyed.