For All I Know

“He said what?!”

I was still having trouble believing it myself, but seeing Nat’s reaction it, I knew that it was real.

“Yeah.” I nodded slowly.

“Well, what did you say?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I didn’t know what to say. He took me completely off guard.”

“Well, how do you feel about him?”

I sighed and leaned back in my chair. Do I love Patrick? I thought back to three night s before and how I left things a little hazy between myself and Patrick. After he said he loved me, I gave him a kiss on the cheek and went to lay down in bed. I didn’t know what else to say.

But the more I sat and thought about it, what was there not to love about Patrick.

“You know, before you think about that, I think you should think about how well he was with Ryan. I mean, before him, no other guy would stick around knowing how much time you invested in your little brother. That’s a major plus in my books.”

I nodded. “I know, but I’m not sure if that’s enough.”

“Well, think about how you feel when you’re with him.”

I leaned back and closed my eyes. I couldn’t hold back the smile on my face, and Nat saw.

“See, girl. There’s something there. You need to go tell that boy. Even if you don’t love him right now, you gotta show him that you’re on the right track.”

I sat up and ran a hand through my hair. “Yeah, but how do I do that?”

Nat reached over and placed her hand on mine.

“You need to think about your life. Can you see your life without Pat? I’ll leave you be to think about that.”

I shook my head. “You don’t need to leave.”

Nat nodded her head and stood up from her chair. “Yes, I really do. This has been playing on your mind for two days and you need to sort this out.”

I sighed and stood up. I gave her a hug and walked her to the door.

“I expect an update at work tomorrow.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I chuckled, closing the door behind her. I walked back to my couch and plopped back down. I wasn’t sure where to begin thinking. I looked around my living room when a something stood out at me. I shot out of my seat, knowing what I needed to do.

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Pat’s POV

I was sitting on my couch, staring at my phone for what felt like an hour. I thought that it was going to burn in my hand if I didn’t look away. Finally, I put it down on the coffee table, leaned back and sighed.

Sure, I had talked to Claire since I dropped the “L” bomb, but things just seemed, off. It wasn’t like I loved her any less, I just felt like she was a little hesitant to say it back and was pulling away from me.

I closed my eyes and thought about everything we had been through. Of course, I screwed up royally when Ryan died, but I had thought that we had gotten over that. I had done everything I possibly could to prove to her that I was in this for the long haul. I had apologized and started from scratch. I knew that it would take some time for her to trust me again, let alone love me, but I never stopped thinking about her. Every decision I made in my life now, revolved around her, even if I didn’t mean it to. I thought about how it would affect her and our relationship. Of course, some things I have done on a whim, but I knew that she would love them in the end, even if it looked a little too spontaneous at first.

I opened my eyes and ran a hand through my hair and looked around my living room.

“What the hell am I doing?” I whispered to myself as I shot out of my seat.

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Claire’s POV

I listened to the brisk breeze as I walked through the gate. Walking up the hill, I felt the tears already spring into my eyes. I wasn’t sure what pulled me to end up there, but I there I stood. I looked down and whispered softly.

“Oh, Ryan. What do I do?”

I knelt down and placed the flowers in my hand on the ground in front of the head stone. I placed my hand over his name and closed my eyes.

“What is it about him, Ryan? Why him?” I wiped my eyes and sniffled. “I wish you were here. I need you to tell me what to do next. You were so wise beyond your years.”

I put my head in my hands. “Fuck, I miss you. I need you here, so much.”

I closed my eyes and found myself picturing my life with Pat and how everything that brought us closer was Ryan. He was there when we first met. Ryan made “the first move” and even planned the first date. He was the one thing that made Pat and I stick.

“So, why does it feel so weird now? There just three little words. I can say them to him, right? God, Ryan, I know I love him. But why can’t I just tell him?”

I began to get angry at myself. But what caught me off guard more than that was I was thinking about what Pat was doing at that moment. No doubt talking to Jon about how hurt he is or drinking his ass off, I thought to myself. I knew I had to do something, say something, but I wasn’t sure that I could come up with the words.

I straightened myself and took a deep breath. I took one last look at the headstone and sighed.

“What would you do, buddy?”

I walked away with my head down, hoping for a sign along the way back to my apartment.

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Pat’s POV

I rushed my way over to Claire’s apartment. I knew that she had the day off, so I was hoping that she was home.

Making my way to her door, I felt my palms begin to sweat. I had hoped that I didn’t scare her off. I know that she had talked to me since I said those three little words, but it felt like something was off. I woke up this morning with a strange feeling. I wasn’t going to talk to Tazer about it. He would make it bigger than it is and make me worry more, or make it seem like it was nothing and convince me to go on like I had said nothing. But after everything Claire and I had been through, it was damn near impossible to make something like “I love you” seem small. However, we’ve come too far and I’ve fallen too hard to let her slip away this easily.

I shook my head, probably overthinking it too much as it is and knocked on her door. I sighed when I didn’t hear any footsteps on the other side. I put my head down, pulling my phone out of my pocket. I scrolled through my contacts and stopped at her name. I debated on calling or texting her, but I wasn’t sure if she wasn’t’ space or not. Deciding on not making this any more awkward than it has become, I placed my phone back in my pocket. I turned my heel and began to walk back toward the elevator.

“Patrick?”

I looked up and saw Claire, tears lightly running around her face, but still looking beautiful as ever. I took a step closer to her. She put a hand out in front of her, silently telling me to stay put.

“Please. Let me get this out. As much as I don’t want to say this in the hallway, if I don’t say this now, I don’t know how I’ll muster up the courage to do it again.”

I felt my heart begin to drop. Here it comes. I fucked it up. I watched her take a deep breath with her eyes closed, before opening them again to speak.

“I have had a lot of time to think since you said, well, what you said. I thought about my life, and what you have brought to it. While there is much heartbreak, and tears that you have caused me to shed, that is not what I focused on.” I watched her swallow hard as tears filled her eyes once again.

I wanted nothing more than to walk up and pull her into my arms, but I knew that she wanted to get out whatever was on her mind. I stood in my place and let her say her piece.

“I thought about what brought you into my life and what had you stay in my life for so long.”

Ryan.

“I thought about what he would say or do in my position. I remembered how happy he was whenever you were around. I thought about how before you, no guy was ever comfortable dating me knowing my closeness with Ryan. I relished in that, in fact, I still look back on that and every time you piss me off, it’s puts you in good graces again.” She cracks a hint of a smile through her tears. “I guess, what I’m trying to say is I’m scared.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Scared? Of What?”

“Well, before you, the only person I put all my faith and love in left me too early.”

"Oh, Claire, I'm not going anywhere." I said as I took a step forward. To my surprise, she didn't move away. She was breaking down.

"How do I know you won't leave? Ryan left."

"Claire, Ryan died. There's a pretty big difference here."

"But he did leave. He's not here anymore. I need him. I need him to tell me that it's okay. I need him to be okay with me loving you."

My eyes widened. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Clearly, I had gotten this all wrong. Here I was, thinking Claire was going to dump me, when really she was battling something on a totally different level. I reached out to place my hand on her shoulder, hoping to pull her in for a hug. She let me and I wrapped my arms tight around her and whispered in her ear.

"I don't need you to say it back right away, or ever. Just....don't shut me out. I'm here for you. I know I screwed up in the past, but I will spend the rest of my life if I have to, making you believe that you can say those three words back to me."

I felt her pull away slightly. She looked into my eyes. I saw that while they were still red from crying, the sadness had left them. They were filled with something else, something I couldn't recall ever seeing before.

"You didn't let me finish." She whispered, still in my arms. She reached down and grabbed my hand, intertwining her fingers with mine. She pulled me to her door and after unlocking it, we walked in. I didn’t know what was going to happen after that, so I stood in my place. Claire turned and looked up at me, her hand still in mine.

"I went to see Ryan today and wanted something, anything, to tell me that it was okay. Seeing you here, something just struck me. As scared as I am, I don't want to know a life without you in it. I'm not saying that just for Ryan. I'm saying it for me."

She raised her hand up and gently ran it through my hair and down my face, cupping my cheek. Her eyes still locked on mine as I heard the words I had waited almost 24 hours to hear.

“I love you, Patrick.”

That moment will never leave my mind……or my heart.