Who Knew Then? (What We Know Now?)

Jared

I laid my head down on my pillow, my brain going into overdrive as Kass’s words rang through my head. I looked down at my nephew sleeping soundly between the two of us, unable to believe what she’d said. There was no way he’d drawn me instead of his dad, or Jordan, who’d also won a Stanley Cup. As hard as I tried I couldn’t get my brain to shut off.

I’d always been the last to do anything. Last one to start playing hockey, last one to get an A on a test. The last one to make the honor role in school. The last one to graduate from high school. The last one to get drafted. The only one to not get drafted in the first round.

I’d never been as good as my brothers at anything – Eric was the smart one, Marc was the thoughtful one, Jordan was the life of the party, and then there was me. I was always “the other Staal”, and that’s how people identified me, because I’d never done anything that had ever made me stand out. It hurt, a lot, and it made me work even harder, push even farther, but it never made a difference.

I rolled onto my back to stare at the ceiling, trying to keep myself from getting emotional over it all. The last thing I needed was for Parker and Kass to wake up and see me almost ready to bawl. Kass didn’t understand, she thought that I didn’t ever want her to see me cry because I was a guy, and that’s just how guys worked, but it was because I didn’t want to see the look on her face that I’d seen on so many others. That look of pity, like they all knew that I’ll only ever be the “other Staal” and that their sympathy was for my lack of promise rather than for what was going on at that moment in time.

Sixty-two ceiling tiles in the downstairs bedroom; I counted them as I tried to even out my breathing and help myself get to sleep. It wasn’t working on either count, but I was trying. I wasn’t even sure why Kass was sticking around; she’d put up with my emotional roller coasters for five years, and she’d never made any hints at leaving or anything, but somewhere deep down the fear was there. I wasn’t good enough for her, and I’d proved that the first time I’d tried to kiss her five and a half years ago when we were watching Eric’s game at her house. How I couldn’t just man up and go talk to her afterward, or tell her how I felt. I knew Jesse was probably better for her than I could ever be, but I was too damn selfish to ever even consider letting her go. And too damn chicken to get down on one knee and propose.

A quick glance to my right showed me she was still fast asleep, my nephew curled up to her much the same as he would his mom. I reached out and softly patted his hair down, the unruly blonde hair so much like Eric’s it was uncanny. I loved both of my nephews unconditionally; they were always a ray of sunshine no matter what was going on in my life. Parker was constantly smiling, and Levi hated to see anybody crying or frowning – he’d precariously walk over and wipe the tears off of your face or push your cheeks until he made a smile, which generally made a person smile anyway. I chuckled to myself as I rolled back to where I’d been in another attempt to go to sleep. A half hour later nothing had changed, and I knew it would be a rough night.

After a long, sleepless night my alarm went off, because I was awful at waking up in the morning. I silenced it quickly, not wanting to wake up Kass or Parker. I snuck out of bed, tucking the blankets in around the two of them before heading upstairs as quietly as I could. I found Eric sitting at the island eating his corn flakes.

“Morning,” I said as I opened the fridge to see what I wanted for breakfast.

“Morning. Um, Parker isn’t by chance downstairs is he?”

“Yeah, he came and crawled in with us last night,” I nodded, and saw Eric deflate in relief.

“Thank God – I checked his room and he wasn’t there. I nearly flipped out but Tanya insisted he was probably with you guys and told me not to go downstairs or make a big deal out of it. I’ve been halfway down the stairs like six times this morning,” he admitted, and I chuckled.

“Yeah, he said he had a nightmare and came downstairs to see if he could stay with us. He wouldn’t say what it was about though,” I told my brother as I sat down at the table, two pieces of toast and a bowl of cereal making up my breakfast.

“I thought he’d finally gotten over that – he’s struggled for a while with them,” Eric replied, which surprised me. I wish I would have known that, I’d had no idea that Parker’s been having trouble with nightmares. I stared across the kitchen before my eyes wandered to the fridge. I nearly choked on my toast when I saw the picture Kass had told me about last night stuck to the fridge with little hockey player magnets.

“When did Park draw that?” I asked quietly, and Eric started to smile as he looked at it.

“About a week ago,” he answered, and pushed a few corn flakes around in the milk at the bottom of his bowl.

“He was asking every day when you guys were coming home so he could see you again. He missed you guys a lot,”

“We missed him too,” I replied, and Eric smiled. He finished off his breakfast and put his bowl in the sink. He popped a piece of bread into the toaster and stood there waiting for it.

“Yeah, and Levi couldn’t figure out what was going on when Parker was all excited after we’d talked to you,” Eric started to laugh a bit. “I mean, he knew you guys were coming but he didn’t understand why Parker was acting so crazy.”

“Poor kid, sometimes he has trouble figuring out Parker,” I agreed, and then finished my breakfast.

“So, ready to leave at nine thirty?” Eric asked as he turned to go down the hall and towards the bathroom.

“Yeah, nine thirty sounds good,” I agreed, and went back downstairs to quickly shower and then crawl in with Kass for a few more minutes before another grueling day at the rink.