The "I" In Lie

Pete looked at me, his eyes widen, but then lower. He shoved his hands in his pockets, "I want to talk."

I blinked, "Why?"

"Why'd you send my shit back?"

"I sent it to your PO Box." I replied.

Pete shook his head with a sigh and shoved his way into my house. We were close as he came in and shut the door; his hand quickly grabbed my arm, "You're really through with me?"

I could only stare at him, I was at a loss for words. I didn't know what to say. I swallowed hard and shrugged, "You heard me. I told you something crazy."

He furrowed his brows, "You love me, that isn't crazy."

"Well, I'm your mistress... Or was. Don't you think that's crazy? You didn't want me to love you, did you?" I stammered all this with my mind stopping.

Pete swallowed too, "No." he said hastily.

"Then why are you here?" I asked softly.

"Because I don't want it to be over." his voice strained.

I felt my bottom lip tremble, "Well I do." I lied to him, because I didn't like anything he said.

"Aly..." he said my name with a breaking voice, "Why?"

I bit my lip, "Because... Because I'm jealous. I'll always be jealous, so please go."

"She doesn't know--"

I cut him off, "I know! I think it's bad that I'm just your chew toy when you have her! I'll never have you for myself, I'll never be the one and only. I'll be your lover and that's it. It hurts, and I'm sorry that I managed to grow feelings for you."

Pete stared at me with a blank face. I can feel my face growing hot and the tears making their way to my eyes. I'm holding it all in until Pete grabs me and kisses me; he doesn't say a word, he just kisses me.

My heart it beating like a drum in my ears, I grab his forearms and force myself to push him away. Our lips make an audible smack when we part, and Pete looks at me with a confused look and his mouth hanging open. I hold my mouth, dropping my hands from his arm, and I step back.

"I don't wanna do this." I said softly, "It hurts too much."

Pete closed his mouth and continued to stare at me. My heart is still thumping angrily. My body us overheating, wanting Pete. Wanting to touch him, to pull him into my bed. But, I can't seem to make myself listen to my hungry thoughts.

Pete sighed heavily, his eyes looking down, now searching the floor. I feel terrible as the silence grows thick and Pete is obviously lost in thought. I want to share my thoughts with him and I want him to do the same.

Finally, he looks up and swallows hard, his throat bobbing, "I'm sorry, Aly... For everything."

I blink back more tears and nod my head out of lack of anything else to do or even say. His hand reaches out and touched my arm, his fingers fall down my arm as he pulled away. And, sure enough, Pete walks out my door without another word.

I want to fall to my knees when he's gone. I actually did when I heard his car start and pull away. Everything in my body hurt, physically I felt like I was a wreck.

I tried to tell myself, as I knelt on the ground, bunch into a ball of tears, that it was nothing. This is nothing, Aly, stop crying. Don't hurt, he doesn't want you the way you want him. This is rock bottom -to yourself- it can only be up from here. You swear, this is nothing but a hump in your life.

I tried to tell myself that I would be okay. I forced the thought into my stupid, puny, little brain. I'm okay.


It was another two days of crying that made me realize that what I was doing was stupid. I stopped my tears and tried to salvage my little life. I needed to finish up the remainder of my job and think of something.

I didn't want to move back to Oregon. I have a lot of bad memories there that I ran away from. I finally realized it when, on the last day of my job, I went to a secluded mountain and got a real good look for the Hollywood sign. 

I realized that I made that excuse up to run away from Oregon. I needed a place to escape my horrible memories and Hollywood looked glamorous. It isn't as glamorous and I figure that Pete took shape in the glamour. He was my real life Hollywood. He was my happiness and I missed him.

But, I needed another reason to stay and it couldn't be Pete anymore.