The "I" In Lie

I finally decided that I had to tell Ryan the truth. He deserved the truth, especially since his -unbeknownst to him- cheating girlfriend came home with wet hair and bursting into tears. I had to tell him, and I knew that I had to face the consequences.

"Ryan," I said his name slowly, "I need to tell you something."

He nodded from his position beside me, "What is it?"

I swallowed thickly, "Do you remember Pete?"

He furrowed his brow, "Yeah, your old boss or whatever, why?"

I felt tears swelling up, "Almost 4 years ago, I... I don't even..." it was hard to say the words, I just sighed and looked away, "We began this affair."

Ryan was staring at me but I wouldn't look at him. His hand rubbed up my side, and he didn't speak. I knew that was the cue to go on.

"We barely stopped seeing each other like a few days after I met you." I told him this slowly and quietly.

Ryan was still silent.

"Ryan I was really in love with him, even though he was married. I was just... He was the first guy to crave my attention just as much as I craved his. We were... I thought we were perfect, you know, because he always made me feel special even though he was promised to someone else. I never... I wish it never happened."

We were silent for another minute before Ryan's hand dropped from my side, "Why are you telling me this?" he asked dumbly.

He knew. He knew and there was no way to mask it.

"I slept with Pete yesterday and today." I hung my head in shame, "I'm sorry." I whispered.

Ryan got up, I didn't look at him, I couldn't. I didn't deserve to mere my mind of him before he was to choose to do whatever he wanted. Before he inevitably left me.

"Shit." He cursed loudly.

I finally looked at him; he was pacing with a hand on the back of his neck.

"Sorry doesn't even cover what I've done. I don't--"

He cut me off, "Just stop for a second."

I shut my mouth and looked down. I waited for him to shout at me. I waited for anything, but nothing came.

Finally, he sighed, "What the fuck were you thinking?" he growled at me.

"That I was stupid. It was my feelings--"

"Your feelings?!" Ryan shouted, his face red, "Feelings?! Did you think about mine? I love you, Aly!"

I nodded with fresh tears, "It was so hard to stop him. He wanted me so bad, and he isn't with his wife and it there was so much going on in my head and my chest," I confessed, "I couldn't stop. But, I told him, Ryan. Even if you don't want me anymore, I don't want Pete, I told him I love you."

Ryan sat down on the arm of my couch, "I want to shake you." he said in an angry whisper.

"I hate myself for what I've done. I wish I hadn't done it, Ryan, I swear."

He stood up again and paced behind me. I was sure he was going to strangle me, but he didn't. He sighed, "I have to go." 

"Wait," I shot up, "Please, Ryan--"

He extended his hand to stop me, "Don't say anything. I need to be alone."

"I understand." I whispered as he grabbed his things.

Without a word, Ryan walked out my door. The sound echoed in my head; that door had seen the comings and goings of my lovers. That door took them both away; shut one out ad invited the other in. It hurts, and there aren't any other words to describe it. The pain in my chest and stomach is evident.


It was the following day -after hours of crying and forcing myself to work- there came a knock on my door. I had just gotten myself to stop crying and out the shower. I was afraid who would be on the other side, but I didn't hesitate to open the door.

Pete was standing there. He looked upset but antsy.

"Hey," he said, "I know that you told me to leave you alone but I really, really need to talk to you."

I couldn't speak, I was literally speechless. I stood aside and let him in, not caring or giving an after thought. Pete stepped in and stood by the entry, he exhaled as I walked passed him and sat on the arm of my couch, "Yeah?" I finally said.

He licked his lips, "Everything you said the day before... I know you meant them."

"No shit." I sputtered effortlessly.

"And," he went on, unaffected by my words, "I realized that I felt all that shit to. Like... I loved being with you, Aly, I did, that's why I was so forceful the last two days. Every time we had sex, it was so much different than being with her... She hated having sex with me, our baby is a miracle."

I could only stare at him. Nothing was sinking in.

"I have a lot of feelings for you, I was with you for 4 years, Al. I finally realized I do love you... A year ago."

I furrowed my brow, "What?"

"I was afraid to tell you," he came over and sat beside me, "I didn't think you'd give a damn because I thought how you thought;," he licked his lips again, "I thought you didn't love me the way I loved you. Yes, I know you care, even then, but I never thought it could ever be."

I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to smack him. I wanted to do so much to him and it was frustrating. All this wasted time. I could have told him how I felt, but how could I have known?

"So what now?" I asked softly, "Ryan hates me, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to see me anymore."

"You told him?" Pete asked and I nodded, "Why?"

"I felt guilty. Ryan treats me how I've always wanted to be treated."

Pete stood and shook his head, "I don't know of I could ever make you feel the way he does..." he trailed.

"No one can." I murmured.

"But... You know, I could try." Pete's eyes were wide and full of hope.

All I could do was stare at him again. I didn't know truly what to say or how to say what I was feeling. I just stood up, "I... I don't know what to say."

"What do you want?"

I shook my head, but I opened my mouth, "I--"

I was cut off by my front door opening abruptly.