Don't Let These Boots Fool You

I had been avoiding the guys like a young girl with no boobs avoids Victoria’s Secret. Jordan had kissed me and I felt betrayed, did the damn ring on my left hand mean nothing to anyone? I had shut myself into the office to avoid the men that had become my second family. I wanted nothing to do with them aside from when they were needed for an event because otherwise their ideas about me would start changing even more.

The shrill high-pitched ring of the phone broke me from my trance. “O’Neil,” the line was silent on the other end, which was not only unnerving for me, but scary I didn’t know who it was. “Hello?”

“Baby girl, I’ve got some bad news,” My mother’s voice cracked through the phone I started to shake as my mind went to the worst scenarios. The phone call could be about my grandma who was in her mid-seventies, my youngest brother who rode a motorcycle, which always scared me, or it could be a freak accident.

“Mama don’t you dare say it. I can’t take it right now, I’ll break so bad don’t you dare” I was silently sobbing uncontrollably in my chair, tears were flowing from my eyes like Niagara falls and my hands were shaking like a diabetic without insulin.

“Baby Brett was in an accident, he was uh—” She stopped talking which worried me. I knew those last few words and my sobs became audible and I knew what was coming next, “he could’ve just been injured but it wasn’t a car it was a truck this time he’s in surgery right now and—” she was at a loss for words, emotions too strong for me as well.

“Ma, do I need to fly out tonight”

“Baby girl, don’t drive alone have Mike drive you”

“No Ma, I’ll drive myself but I’ll be headed out as soon as I can get a flight, still have some of my clothes out there?”

“Yeah call when you land I’ll pick you up.”

I rushed around the office picking up my cell phone, grabbed my purse and keys quickly as I barged into my advisors office, “Jeff, family emergency,” the panic in my voice was starting to become more evident as I tried to run through everything in my mind.

He stood up and walked toward me, “whoa there, slow down and tell me what’s wrong”
I sighed as I set my stuff down. “My brother was in an accident and is in surgery right now. I have got to get home right now, book a flight and get on a plane.”

“No, you’ll take the penguins jet, got somewhere to fly in?” I nodded wrote it down and headed for the Penguins charter plane. How I got lucky enough to end up with people who would do such a thing for me was beyond my wildest dreams.

I went through the motions of driving to the airport; I was silent and no radio in the truck. I ran to the plane like the cops were chasing me as a kid, when I stepped onto the plane I told the guy to get moving quickly. I sat in the first seat and tried to stay calm. The flight was bumpy and uneventful because I had managed to fall asleep until the captain shook me awake.
“Ma’am we’re here.”
I stood and called my mother. I heard the phone ring countless times and started to freak out I needed to get home right this damn minute. I didn’t need to be in this stuffy airport with all of these crazy people bustling around like nothing mattered.
“Hello?”
“Mama, I’m here come pick me up.” The tears returned to my eyes at the sound of her voice. I was surprised when I walked out front to see her standing there beside a truck with my family’s name on it. I ran toward her I had nothing but my purse and myself that was all I needed at this moment.

I was engulfed by the comfort of my mother. I could lose my best friend, the one person who knew everything about me, and everything I had been going through since I moved to the Burgh. Mama ran to the other side of the car and sped off to the hospital. She walked through the halls so calmly that I wanted to scream, my best friend was lying on a table and could die and she was calm right now. I felt the reality hit me like a linebacker hitting the quarterback.

A nurse approached my mother, “Ma’am he’s just gotten out of surgery. He should be coming out of the anesthetics here in a few minutes. If he falls back asleep don’t be alarmed it’s just the drugs that are still in his system” my mom nodded her head and continued to walk back toward the room he must have been in for the past few hours.

We walked through the threshold of the door and saw my brother lying on the bed with his hand clasped in his wife’s. I felt horrible they just found out she was expecting a little girl and here he was riding that god damned motorcycle. “Damn it Brett” I muttered under my breath afraid that I would really say something I shouldn’t have said. He was my brother I loved him but he was the most hard headed out of all of us kids.

“I’m sorry Missy. I tried to tell him to get rid of that damn thing.” I apologized. It was my fault, he had gotten the motorcycle to watch me when I started dating a guy in high school and then he kept the thing and I told him after he married Missy to get rid of it. It was a danger trap around our town, motor vehicles never paid any mind to motorcycles and this time he was the one whose life could end.

I felt like the biggest scumbag on the earth. My stupid high school decisions had taken away my brother, my best friend, a father, and a husband all in a matter of seconds. I slouched to the floor and let the tears roll down my cheeks at the realization. How could I have done that to this family?

“Kellbell, it wasn’t your fault.”

My head snapped up from my hands. He was looking over at me with no regret in his eyes. My brother was conscious and could speak and I knew I hadn’t killed him. “I was actually going to sell it when the truck hit me.” I sobbed he was doing what I had begged him to do for months; he really didn’t help with that new information.

“Way to make me feel better. I actually feel way worse than I did before.” I muttered as I moved to lay in his bed beside him. His wife moving to his other side, a common sight if anyone knew our family, I was like an extension of Brett and me cuddling up with him like this wasn’t uncommon when he was at the house.

“You know I love you Right Kellbell? You to Missy, I’ll be here for our little one.” His hand moved down to Missy’s belly, rubbed little circles around her belly button, and smiled as much as he could for a man who had just gone through surgery.

I hadn’t realized how drained I was until I fell asleep right there with my sister-in-law and brother snug in a hospital bed. I felt relieved to know he would make it, get to see his daughter in three months. My dreams suddenly turned from my future niece to loud screams and commands. Everything was dark, no faces, no places I couldn’t see anything. I snapped awake to find Patrick holding me, “What happened?”

I kicked until he let me down but he still held me in place out in the hallway as I heard more commands coming from my brother’s room. I knew something wasn’t right I knew it the minute I stopped fighting. My twin just died. “Pat, he flat lined just now.” He looked down at me confused.
I knew I just told him something I’m not supposed to know but the doors were shut and we were almost down the hall. My mom walked toward us and broke the silence. Dad was standing right beside her with her hand in his holding on for dear life. He had to be the strong one because the rest of us would be blubbering babies for a week.

They engulfed Patrick and I, which was all I needed to know I was right. “Can I go see him?” my mother nodded her head causing Patrick to loosen his grip on me as I walked the sterile halls that held so much death within their paint.

He was lifeless on the hospital bed. All of the tubes that had been connected had somehow failed. I felt helpless, disconnected even, but most of all I felt empty now. Half of me had died when he did. I saw Missy sitting there. “Are you going to be okay Kelly?” she wasn’t even worried about herself she was worried about me because she knew how close we were.

I shook my head no sitting down beside her and grabbing Brett’s hand. “Missy will it ever not feel like part of me is missing?” Missy was a twin too. That’s what Brett loved about her, she understood how close Brett and I were and how connected our minds were. Sadly, she had recently lost her twin as well, which put her in a state of depression after her wedding.

“No, you never feel like that hole is filled, you might find someone who feels like they fill it but honestly it never works.” She had silent tears rolling down her smooth porcelain skin and I felt horrible. She hadn’t only lost her twin but lost the person who filled that void.

“Come stay in Pittsburgh with me, we’ll help each other.” I was trying to heal myself the only way I knew how, the one person who knew Brett just as well as I had. Missy had never been offended by how close Brett was toward me, she was never offended by our occasional sleepovers ending with me sharing his bed. She knew what it was like, her twin was the same. I was actually really close to her twin as well. His loss hurt Brett and I just as much as Missy, but now I really knew what it was like.

“No it’s okay Kelly. I know you’re trying to heal us both, but really, you have a whole group of guys who will understand and help you. I’ve got to focus on this little girl.” She mumbled as she moved out into the hallway holding her stomach. My little niece was in there and I was ready for her to make her way into the world so I had a piece of Brett in my life again.

Patrick popped his head in and looked sheepishly down at my ringing phone. I sighed knowing it was most likely Jeff and I really needed to call him and tell him what had happened. “O’Neil” I answered quietly in hushed tones trying to hide my tears that I knew would easily come through the phone receiver.

“Kelly, are you okay? How much time off do you need?” Jeff was frantically going about questioning me and I was hoping he would just let it rest and give me a week. I really wanted him to not tell anyone else what I was currently dealing with.

“I’m fine, I need a week and I’ll be home right after Thanksgiving. His funeral will most likely be two days before the break.” I was trying to make sure the guys had games and didn’t show up unannounced. Not like my family would care who they were because my family was a football family not a hockey family.

“Take all the time you need Kelly,” I heard him shuffling the papers and a few voices in the background hoping they were just out in the hallway not in his office listening to what was going on, “We’ll send an arrangement for the funeral, let us know the details.” He hung up before I could say okay.

I saw my family watching my movements. I wasn’t sure who they were more concerned with, Missy or me. My parents were talking to a man about arrangements. I wanted to leave, get away from all of the people that were going to continue to bustle by as if nothing happened. “Patty, will you take me home?” I was in no state to be in the hospital any more.

I saw Patrick grab some keys and start walking away. I followed him like a zombie, no expression in my eyes, and no purpose in my movements. I had to assume Patrick was getting annoyed with my speed when he picked me up to take me to the car. “Kelly, I know it hurts. I’m hurting too but nothing will make him come back now. You have to stay strong for Missy you’re all she has left of Brett.” I knew I was and that’s what hurt the most.

My brother was gone now because of me. I only had their daughter left and she had me. We sounded like a sad excuse for a family in my eyes. “Patty, I just want to sleep for days.” He set me in the front seat like I was four again, buckling me in and making sure I was okay.

He quickly drove to our farm, running a few red lights in the process but I wasn’t going to complain when I wanted to get into the house as fast as possible. I saw the farm growing larger as my eyes began to prick with the familiar feeling of tears. He was gone for good. “Night Patty” I told him as I slowly climbed the stairs to reach a door I knew once held my brothers room.

I grasped the cold doorknob, pushed his door open, and smelled his soap and cologne. I couldn’t leave now. I pushed his door shut behind me and moved over to his bed. The sheets still smelled of him, returning my tears from earlier. He wasn’t supposed to be gone he was superman invincible to the world.

I heard the ringtone that Brett had set for people in my phone go off and smiled for a minute before realizing someone was calling me. I was so pissed at my phone, all I wanted was for some alone time to myself so I could figure out how to live again. I yanked the phone out of my pocket and pressed the green button. “Hello,” I said in the most pissed off tone I could possibly muster and felt horrible for my tone.

“Are you okay?” The deep male voice questioned.

I was unsure of why he was calling me. Of all of the people that could call and try and comfort me right now I wanted to know why Mike was calling me. “Why are you calling me Mike, you walked away from me.” I was hurt even more. My life wasn’t going the way it was supposed to go at all. I wanted to be alone, in silence and not have to deal with anything right now. Having my ex call wasn’t exactly helping me get over the loss of my brother.

“I know I walked away, but you still matter, maybe I realized I wasn’t as in love with you as what you deserve, or maybe i’m scared and can’t handle it. You need someone right now, and I know how close you were to Brett and how hard this is for you.” He was right and it killed me to tell him that he was right so I settled on not telling him he was right.

“Well I’m doing fine. I will see you when you decide you want to acknowledge the ring you put on my left hand. Don’t think i’ve taken it off either. this thing has been on my hand non stop since you said I didn’t have to wear it.” I hung up on him I couldn’t take him anymore. He had some nerve, thinking I would tell him how I was when he cared so little this time last week when he left me.

I was alone, I was going to become one of those old women who never married but has 100 animals in their apartment. I felt horrible. I pushed my face in Brett’s pillow and inhaled his shampoo and tried to zone out the rest of the world. I wanted to go a week back in time, fix things with Mike and tell Brett to not get on that bike, just put it in a trailer.

I couldn’t do anything now, I was empty, my life completely altered. My phone started to go off again and I figured it was Mike trying to apologize again to me. “What do you want Mike?” I was really starting to get annoyed with his antics.

“Uh, not Mike. How are you?”

His voice sounded ginuwine, how could he have known. “How’d you know about this?”

“I was in Jeff’s office. Are you okay?”

“I’d be lying if I told you I was okay. My other half just died today.” I sobbed as I put what happened into reality.

“Don’t cry Kelly, it will all be okay. I know you think it won’t, but you have the whole team here to support you.”

I didn’t want them to support me at all. I felt weak knowing that he was hearing me at my weakest. “Why bother caring. You guys hated me when I got here, you all most likely still do.” I was so tired of hiding my feelings.

“We act like that to protect ourselves not to hurt other people. Don’t you dare say we don’t care.” he was getting stern with me I knew he meant every word he said.

“Thanks, but I need to get going I have a lot to do before the funeral. This call helped a little. Night Capt’n”