Love Is Hell

Garrett.

I got out of the shower Friday morning, feeling only half-alive. I dug through my closet, searching for an acceptable outfit.

After throwing on a t-shirt, I surveyed my appearance in the bathroom mirror. My hair was a mess. For the first time in a while, that bothered me. I tried denying the fact that I wanted to look nice to impress Lina, but failed because it was so painfully true.

Sighing, I dragged myself towards the kitchen and popped a bagel into the toaster. I felt a smile spread on my face as I remember yesterday’s events: seeing Lina in my car, walking through the grocery store with her, feeling her skin against mine for a brief moment, sitting at her dining room table in her house.

I was in her house. I had sat in Carolina Hawkins’ house, the girl I’d had a crush on since, well, forever. I still couldn’t wrap my head around that. True, she’d probably only invited me for dinner out of politeness, but then again, Carolina never did anything she didn’t want to. I tried to keep that in mind as I left for school, already waiting to see her again.

***

“Lina!” Pat yelled from across the courtyard that was outside of the school building. It was lunch time and, naturally, Pat and I were heading towards our usual picnic table we shared with the two girls. Instead, there was only one girl waiting for us.

She was lying on the bench seat, staring at the sky. That was how we found her, a lot of days.

I saw her raise her head and wave, then lie back down.

“So Courtney’s still sick, eh?” Pat asked as he sat down in his usual spot. Lina’s feet were still taking up the space where I usually sat, so I sat down next to Pat.

“Yeah, she said she has strep throat.” She sat up and eyed Pat. “Hopefully it’s not mono.”

Pat laughed a little. “If she has it, does that mean I have it?”

“Unfortunately, Patrick, it does mean that. Unless Courtney’s been kissing other guys, which is highly unlikely,” I said.

“Yeah, he’s right. Court doesn’t drink or eat after people, so...” Lina trailed off. “But if you’re sleazy enough to have mono, I will seriously kick your ass, Pat.”

I laughed, while Pat looked a little worried.

“Anyways,” Lina said, looking at me, now. “You forgot to give me my Gummy Bears last night, Nickelsen!”

I faked gasped and said, “They’re in my car. I’ll give them to you on the way home.”

“Wait. Wait just a minute here. First, you two were together last night? And second, she’s riding home with us?” Pat asked, raising his eyebrows.

“He just took me to the grocery store and then home because I didn’t have a ride. God, how many more times am I going to have to explain that?” Lina said loudly.

“Yeah, it’s no big deal. And, yeah, I’m taking her home. Her car’s broken,” I said.

Pat was quiet for a moment -which is odd, for him- and then he grinned at us.

“What? Why are you grinning?” Lina asked.

“Oh, no reason.”

“Pat, seriously. Why are you smiling like that? It’s creepy!” she said.

He looked at me, the grin still on his face. “You guys just went grocery shopping? Nothing else?”

What was the kid getting at?

“Um, he stayed for dinner. But yes, Pat, nothing else.”

By the time lunch ended, he still had the damn grin on his face. I think I was beginning to understand what he was grinning about, too.

***

The bell rang in seventh period, signaling the end of the school day. I looked over at the dark-haired girl next to me as we both stood simultaneously.

“I can just walk with you to your locker, if you want?” I asked. “That way you won’t be circling the parking lot looking for me.”

Lina nodded as we walked towards the open door of the classroom. “Yeah, thanks.”

She shoved a few textbooks into her locker before slamming it. “Ready?”

I nodded and we started towards the door that lead towards the parking lot.

“So how was your day, Garrett Nickelsen?” Lina asked.

I smiled at her and said, “Fine. Yours?”

She sighed, then shrugged. “Fine, too.”

“Jake Owens didn’t mess with you anymore, did he?”

She laughed. “No, thank God.”

We reached my car, where Pat was leaning against the passenger door.

“Hiiiiiiiiii guys,” Pat said, grinning again. It was the same look he’d had on his face during lunch.

By the face Lina was making, she knew Pat had his grin again because she looked about ready to punch him straight in his face.

“Garrett, you didn’t mention the fact that this little twit was riding home with us, too. Maybe I’ll just walk home,” she said.

Pat pouted. “Lina, I thought you loved me!” He gave her puppy dog eyes.

They stared each other down for a few seconds until Lina gave in and grinned back. “Fine,” she said. “But I get shotgun.” She then promptly moved Pat out of the way and got into the passenger seat of my car.

Pat looked at me, and I shrugged. “Sorry, man,” I said and walked around the car to the driver’s side, getting in. Pat got in the back seat, his shoulders slumped.

“Let’s go to the park!” Pat yelled like a little kid.

I didn’t mind going to the park; it was relaxing and rarely used by others. Normally, the guys and I had it to our selves whenever we showed up there. Though, I didn’t know if Lina needed to be home or not.

When I asked her, she simply shrugged and said, “Not until four.” So we had an hour to mess around.

I parked my car next to the park, and Pat excitedly hopped out and ran for the swings, leaving Lina and me in the car.

I reached for a plastic bag in the backseat, pulling out Lina’s Gummy Bears and handing them to her.

She smiled and started opening the bag right away. “Thanks. I’ve been having sugar withdrawals lately.” She popped one in her house and nodded towards the park, where Pat was swinging and gesturing for us to follow him. “Ready to go act like little kids?”

Exchanging smiles and exiting the car, we walked over to the swing set and sat down, Lina holding the bag of candy in her hand.

“Hey, Lina, wanna go on the merry-go-round?” Pat asked excitedly, pointing to a rusty, old metal contraption with chipping white paint.

She scrunched her nose for a second, then nodded and stood. She looked at me and asked sweetly, “Will you hold my Gummy Bears for me?”

I nodded and almost laughed. Carolina Hawkins had the hardest shell to crack -which I still hadn’t accomplished, yet- but I realized she could be awfully sweet when she chose to be.

Handing me the bag of candy, she ran to follow Pat, who was waiting on the merry-go-round.

I watched as the brunette girl hopped onto it and sat down, motioning for Pat to run to make it spin. Pat held onto the merry-go-round, one foot on the platform and the other pushing in the dirt, slowly making it move faster and faster.

Eventually, Pat really got the thing spinning, so he joined Lina, who was sitting cross-legged and holding onto the metal railings.

The two of them became blurs of dark-brown hair, laughing and yelling. It slowed a little and I could see Lina with her hair flying wickedly around her face. She had a giant grin on her face and was giggling more than I’d ever heard before, an infectious laugh that had me smiling, too.

When the merry-go-round stopped spinning, Lina was still laughing with that big, bright smile on her face. My breath caught at how beautiful she was; her chocolate hair was windblown and messy, but perfect nonetheless, her pearly teeth lit up her face, her smile so big it reached her hazel eyes. Even the sound of her laugh was beautiful.

“Pat, can we do it again?” I heard her ask, breathless. He laughed and repeated what he’d done earlier, making the merry-go-round spin just as much as before.

As I watched them, I remember the first time I’d seen Carolina Hawkins. It was the first day of 7th grade, and I hadn’t paid any attention to her. I’d thought she was pretty, but I was just an awkward twelve year old. I think for my entire sentence at junior high, I saw Carolina approximately four times.

Then, the summer morning at the baseball game with my cousin. I helped her up, and, after making some awkward eye contact, walked away.

The first day of ninth grade, when her name was called for attendance in my first period was the next time I saw her. First hour was the only time I saw her.

A few months later, I saw her in the hospital. From then on, I don’t think I noticed another girl. Or if I did, I was only comparing them to Lina. She was always in my head.

Junior year was when I realized I had started to get in over my head. I didn’t even have a damn class with her, but my heart rate still sputtered every time she walked past me in the hallway, wearing some kind of fashion statement. I remember her telling me recently that Courtney was the one who loved fashion, but part of me thinks she loves it too. Lina’s just more unconventional. Actually, everything about Lina is unconventional. It was undeniable that that only made her more attractive.

Watching her laugh and grin and giggle on the merry-go-round with my best friend, I suddenly wondered why I couldn’t make her do that. I shook my head. I didn’t think I would ever, ever understand a girl like Carolina Hawkins.