Love Is Hell

Lina.

I didn’t know what to do. I just didn’t know. I was stuck, like my shoelaces were hopelessly tied together and I wouldn’t walk in fear of falling over. If I fell over now, I didn’t think I’d be able to get back up.

These days, my entire life seemed like that. Joey was basically never home, Danny threw fits if you didn’t get him wanted he wanted right when he wanted it, and my mom had had three shaking fits in the past two weeks. Medically speaking, it was all really fucking bad. I wanted to make everything right for everyone but I didn’t know how, and that infuriated me endlessly. Fixing things was my job. Fixing things was the only thing I could do. And now I couldn’t even do that.

God, I wanted to be anywhere but here, in Tempe, Arizona. I felt like clouds were suffocating me and wrapping themselves around and around me, tightening up on me like a snake and trapping me in its wrath. I felt like maybe I did something to anger the existent-or-nonexistent gods because right now, everything was simply crashing down on me. It made it hard to breathe, as if there were literally a snake plotting my downfall.

The night after I’d gotten back from the drive with Garrett -after telling him basically my entire fucking life story, too- was when it all started.

Actually, it had started a long time before that night, but I’d been too careless to notice.

My mom was getting sick. Really sick. And I didn’t know what to do. I felt so tied down. All I wanted to do was go off on a drive to Anywhere, like Garrett had said, except not come back. Either for a few days or a few weeks.

But I couldn’t, because I was stuck taking care of a family that was probably the most dysfunctional family in the book. I loved them, but I loved my freedom, too.

God, what the hell was I doing? I was sitting in my room, and I’d been absentmindedly staring off into space when I should have been finishing my load of laundry. When my eyes focused was when I noticed something in the far corner of my room, and I walked over to investigate.

What I found, of course, had to ruin my night.

An old polaroid picture of Joey, my dad, and me. I was sitting on my dad’s shoulders, my skinny legs hanging over his shoulders and my knobby knuckles holding onto his ears. He was holding Joey’s hands as Joey stood in front of him, his feet on top of my dad’s shoes. I squinted at the picture; my dad’s hair was a light brown. I’d always thought it was blonde. I’d been glad that I inherited my mom’s dark locks, but staring at the picture, my dad’s hair was identical to Danny’s hair. I tried and failed to remain calm. But there was Danny, downstairs, who would cry for his dad that he’d never met, but looked exactly like him.

That wasn’t the worst part, though. The worst part was that we all had giant grins on our faces. Such toothy, happy smiles.

And it all felt like a lie. My childhood, my comfort, and my sanity felt like complete and utter lies.

What do you do when every childhood memory you have just turns to shit? What has it all even amounted to?

I didn’t have many memories from when I was a kid -thank god for my awful memory- but every one that I did have, included my dad. I didn’t learn anything new or have some kind of breakthrough by finding that picture, but I did realize that I’d never be able to think back say, on graduation day or something like that, and smile at the years I’d lived through, because he ruined them for me. Maybe ruined was a strong word, but that’s what it felt like. It all just stirred up memories I wanted to keep buried very, very deep.

No, I thought. I will not let him screw my life up anymore than he already has. He doesn’t fucking deserve even that.

At that, I crumbled up the photograph and tossed it into the trash.

***

“Lina, wanna come over on Saturday?” Halvo’s voice asked through the receiving end of my cell phone.

I’d momentarily given up trying to fix things with my family and walked a mile down to the park, the same one Garrett, Pat, and I had gone to. Right now, I was sitting on one of the swings with my legs bowed beneath me. I’d been trying -unsuccessfully- keep my feet from dragging on the pebbles beneath me.

“I dunno, Halvo. I’m not sure I’m up for partying.” The only thing I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for the next five years.

“It won’t be a party, Lina, I promise! Well, okay, it will be, but -”

I cut him off. “No buts, Halvorsen. If it’s a party, I’m not coming.”

“Okay, it’s not a party. I’ve only invited our friends. You know, club members! We’re just gonna hang out and ya know, maybe sneak a few flasks of vodka if we’re lucky. Actually, I was thinking of turning it into a big sleepover!” he said excitedly. The thought of a “sleepover” sort of intrigued me, even though I was supposed to be seventeen. And I wasn’t going to lie -the mention of some vodka sounded inviting. God knows I’d be the first person in line to forget everything that had been troubling my mind. Even if I was supposed to have been sworn off drinking.

“Fine, whatever; I’ll think about it, okay, Eric?”

“Okay, see you Saturday!” he said, and I rolled my eyes and ended the call.

I returned my attention back to the swing set, pushing with my feet to propel me higher. I closed my eyes as the swing flew higher and higher, imaging myself as a bird. It’d be so, so nice to be able to just take off and fly away. Just like that.

When the swing settled, I kicked off my shoes and left them lying in the grass. Thankfully, I was the only one here, as the evening sky was darkening. I had no clue what time it was, and I really didn’t care.

I walked hesitantly over to the merry-go-round. By now, it seemed to have become a sacred module of the park. To me, at least.

I placed one foot on the metal, and used to other to push it. I pushed harder and harder, not caring about the gravel that bit into my bare foot, until I was spinning wildly. I sat down, linking my legs around one of the metal handles. I closed my eyes again, but this time I imagined myself being nothing at all. I imagined what it would be like to be absolutely nothing, not an ant or a tree or even a bird. For the short time I was gone that night, it felt good not to exist.