Love Is Hell

Garrett.

“Hey, man, glad you could make it!” Halvo yelled as a group of us walked into his backyard, letting the gate slam shut behind us.

It was Saturday, and as per usual, we were having some kind of party. This time, Eric had carefully planned out a “sleepover” with our group of friends. He said it was because he wanted to “hang out with everyone all at once for a longass time” but in reality, we all knew it was because that was the only way in hell his parents would ever let a girl stay over. (In this case, it was Lina who he wanted his quality time with, and even though they were just good friends it still made me infinitely jealous.)

“Dude, this is the gayest thing I’ve ever done,” laughed John as he tossed a backpack onto a lawn chair.

“Hey. Shut up, JohnO. This is supposed to be the funnest night ever,” Lina taunted, her infamous smirk sliding onto her face as she made her arrival, pushing open Halvo’s sliding glass door and stepping onto the deck.

“Because you’re sharing a sleeping bag with me, right?” John grinned.

Her eyes turned into cat slits. “Only in your perverted dreams, O’Callaghan.”

They glared at each other for a minute, and then, they laughed. By the look on Lina’s face -the way her lips curled up and her eyes widened- it seemed like the first time she’d laughed all day.

“Touche, Hawkins,” John retorted as the rest of us -Pat, Tim, and Jared- followed Halvo and Lina back inside his house. Somehow, I winded up leading them all in, and I was acutely aware of the light press of Lina’s hand on my lower back, making my stomach flip.

Stepping into Eric’s house, memories -of hiding in a closet with Lina and riding in my car with her in darkness and watching her dance at one of our shows- swirled in my head and I didn’t know how much longer I could stand being friendzoned.

“Hey, Lina!” Tim grinned, pulling Lina into a hug. Surprisingly, she accepted it. For her, that was pretty abnormal.

“Tim, you smell,” she said as she pulled away, wrinkling her nose.

“But I showered today!” he yelled, making Lina’s rich laugh ring through my ears, reminding me of how I wished I was the one making her laugh.

“You put on too much cologne, Tim,” she said, taking a step away from him.

He shook his head and headed towards the kitchen -he was always hungry- and I could hear him whisper under his breath, “Damn girls. Can’t ever please them,” and I wanted to laugh at how true that felt.

“Hey, Gare,” Lina said softly, regaining my attention as she had somehow shifted close to me.

I gave her a smile. “Hey, Carolina.”

Her lips twitched. She didn’t completely smile, but her eyes sure did, and I wanted to believe that it was progress. To my goal, at least.

“My mom’s actually letting me stay the night. Are you?” she asked as she pushed her chocolate hair away from her face.

I actually hadn’t planned to until this morning, when Pat called and informed me that both Courtney and Lina were staying the night. By now, I’d already accepted the fact that it was totally pathetic to make plans according to a girl. But, goddamn, Lina Hawkins was not any typical girl, by anyone’s standards. With her, all bets were off.

“Yeah, I left my bag of stuff in my car though.” Around us, I could hear the chatter of our friends; John had already launched into some story, Pat was on the phone with someone (who I had guessed was Courtney because she didn’t seem to be here yet), and Tim had situated himself on the couch next to Jared and Nick Santino, who were yelling at a hockey game on the television.

Lina nodded, her head bobbing. “Want something to drink? Halvo put me in charge of drinks. Come on,” she said, grabbing my hand in a flash and tugging me towards the kitchen, like she’d done it thousands of times. I couldn’t help the smile that spread on my face.

“What do you want?” she asked, nodding her head towards the liter bottles of soda on the counter.

Instead of looking at what was on the table, I just couldn’t stop looking at her. It felt stupid to waste my time on plastic and liquids when such an entrancing girl was standing in front of me, doing simple actions like separating a single red cup from a stack of others.

So instead I just said something, anything to answer her question, keeping my eyes on her. “Mountain Dew.”

Her hands froze, and her head tilted up slightly, looking at the bottles and then at me. Her eyebrows scrunched together as she looked at me, and I wondered why, until a slow grin slid onto her face.

“Garrett,” she said, “There’s no Mountain Dew. Just Coke, Sprite, and Hawaiian Punch.”

My mouth hung open a little, while I stared at her and tried to comprehend her words. “Well... damn. Coulda sworn I saw Mountain Dew.”

“Of course you did, Nickelsen. I’m getting you Sprite because it’s better for you than the other two,” she said, laughing again like she didn’t believe me for a second. I smiled too, at how matter-of-factly she stated her reasoning for Sprite. I’d already forgotten how stupid I’d made myself sound earlier.

***

“Well, fuck! My sleepover!” Halvo whined, earning a laugh from some of our friends.

“Come on, Halvo, it’s barely raining! We can still swim, man!” someone yelled. John.

“Are you kidding? It’s pouring out, John,” Courtney said from her position next to Pat on the couch, laughing when John pouted at her.

“Dammit, I really wanted to swim today,” Halvo said, flopping down on the floor in his swim trunks.

“Eric,” Lina laughed, standing over him, “I’ll swim with you, you baby.”

“Lina, you’re going to get sick! Don’t encourage Halvo, he’s a dumbass!” Tim called, rolling his eyes at how quickly Eric had jumped up.

“Come on, kid, let’s go,” she said, offering Eric a hand up as she ignored Tim. The two of them, wearing grins, headed towards Eric’s backdoor.

She grabbed her bag -to change into her swimsuit, probably- and walked into the bathroom. When she came out, following Eric outside, John and Tim both yelled after her, laughing.

“Lina, don’t catch Halvo’s dumbass-ness!”

“You’re going to get sick!”

But she only laughed, flipped them off, and ran out the door.

Naturally, we all ran to the glass door to watch them in their newest idiotic stunt. As we stood there and laughed, Courtney shook her head.

“She’s crazy. Really,” she whispered to me, and just then, Halvo and Lina took a running jump and flew into the pool, already soaking wet from the torrential downpour of rain. It was monsoon season, after all. Even past the pounding rain and the glass door between us, I could still hear her contagious laugh. It wasn't very loud; it was faint but it felt like it echoed in my ears, whispering, she's not yours, not yours, not yours.

“Think it’ll score me brownie points if I go get her a towel?” I asked Courtney, and she grinned and nodded.

So we all stood and watched the two "dumbasses" swim in the pouring rain, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't entranced by the way Lina would tilt her head up and grin at the rain, like she'd been waiting for it all along.

After they'd been swimming for ten minutes and were in the process of coming back inside, I walked down the hall to a closet I knew contained towels (I'd been here more times than I could count). I settled for the idea that maybe someday I'd be able to make Lina smile like that.

Damn, when did I get so mushy? I grimaced to myself and shook my head. Since Lina showed up, dude.

"Garrett, get over here with her towel, you idiot!" Courtney's voice called to me down the hall, snapping me out of whatever love-stricken, depressing, sappy trance I was in.

I grabbed two towels, thinking I'd better get one for Halvo because that's how great of a fucking friend I was, and walked back to the living room, where Lina and Eric were standing in front of the door, shivering while talking to the guys.

"Hey, got you a towel," I said as I unfolded it and draped it over her shoulders, and she smiled at me.

"Ah, you're an angel. It's cold!" she laughed, wrapping the towel around her body, which I was grateful for, so I wouldn't get smacked for staring. I mean, I was a boy after all, and she had on a bikini. Sue me.

John laughed loudly. "Because you're a dumbass, Lina!"

Instead of punching him like I thought she would, she only laughed even harder and walked off to the bathroom.

***

"I vote we watch one of the Saw movies!" Pat yelled as he jumped up and down on a spare mattress Halvo had dragged down to his basement for the sleepover. Currently, it was close to one in the morning and I think just about every one of us -which included myself, John, Jared, Pat, Kennedy, Halvo (obviously), Courtney, Lina, Tim, and Nick- wanted to knock the kid out.

"Pat, if you don't calm the fuck down, I will exile you from my sleeping bag," Courtney warned, sounding serious but still slightly joking as she confirmed my thoughts.

He laughed and landed on the mattress again, which was situated on the floor. "But seriously, guys, let's watch Saw."

"Oh my god, Pat, no," Courtney squealed.

But the girls in the room were outnumbered and everyone agreed with Pat. So of course, Halvo was up and sliding a 'Saw' DVD into the television. I didn't really pay attention to which specific movie it was, though. I was too concentrated on the way Lina had been mysteriously quiet for a while. She'd just been curled up on the loveseat, with several blankets tucked around her, twirling her hair on her finger and not saying a word.

I really wanted to get up and go talk to her, or sit with her even, but I lacked courage to do either, so instead, I quietly announced that I was running out to my car to grab my bag full of clothes, and got up and left.

When I reached the top of the stairs, I heard light footsteps behind me. When I turned, I saw Lina, walking up with a blanket still wrapped around her shoulders.

"Wait for me, " she called quietly. "I'm getting my bag, too."

I nodded, raising my foot off the last step and stood facing the doorway, watching her small frame tread up the stairs.

"I've got to go outside," I said when she reached the top.

She nodded and draped her blanket on a chair in the kitchen. "I'll come with you."

So the two of us, Carolina Hawkins and I, walked out to my car for what felt like the fiftieth time, and I didn't mind one bit. As we walked along the pavement of Halvo's driveway, she was abnormally quiet, still. I didn't mind quiet moments, like when the two of us rode in my car on our drive to Anywhere. That was a nice quiet. But this, this was wrong. Lina was chewing on her lip as she walked, which was something I'd never seen her do before. Finally, I couldn't take it, and spoke first.

"Are you alright, Lina?"

She didn't answer me until we reached my car. "I don't exactly know," she whispered as I unlocked my car, articulating each word as if she'd chosen them carefully. When I saw her shiver and wrap her arms around herself, I pulled a sweatshirt from my bag and handed it to her. She held it, staring at it for a second, and then lithely slipped it over her head and pulled it over her abdomen. My stomached warmed at the idea of her wearing my clothing.

"I-" I started, but stopped. "What do you mean?"

She let out a long sigh. "Let's talk inside. It's cold out here."

I didn't think it was cold out, but there was no way in hell that I'd object when she slipped her hand into mine and pulled me back towards the front door of Halvo's house.

I still didn't object when she continued pulling me through the house, or when she started walking upstairs instead of downstairs, where all of our friends were.

"What are you doing?" I asked, letting out a little, breathy laugh as she pulled me into Halvo's room and sat down on his bed.

She finally looked up at me, her brown eyes red. "I… don't know," she said. When she started giggling, I seriously started fearing for her sanity.

"Lina," I said, shaking her shoulder as she lay on her back on the bed, shaking with giggles. I couldn't help it; her laugh was so contagious to me. So I was laughing along with her, too, but I didn't even know why. "Lina, why are we laughing!?"

Finally she calmed down and let out another sigh, but this time, it didn't seem so heavy and sad. This sigh seemed like a happy sigh, and that made me feel better.

"I don't know, Gare. I was tired of messing around downstairs. I just wanted to come lie down away from people, I guess."

My mood fell as I asked, "Do you want me to leave?"

"No! I want you to stay," she said, reaching for my wrist and pulling me down next to her, instantly raising my heart rate. I was afraid she'd hear it through the mattress somehow, but I couldn't help but smile. She wanted me to stay, but not anyone else. Holy shit.

We lay like that for a few minutes. I supposed Lina was close to falling asleep, but I was nowhere near it; not when Carolina Hawkins was lying next to me.

"Garrett," she murmured, her voice softer. "Will you sing for me?"

"You want me to sing?"

"Yes, dumbass."

I laughed. "But I'm an awful singer."

She let out a tiny groan and smiled. "Then just hum. I don't care, just do something."

I thought of a song, and when I opened my mouth to hum the beginning guitar riff, her brown eyes flicked opened, seeming suddenly closer than they had been before.

Getting past my stage fright, I closed my own eyes and hummed out the familiar lyrics, not knowing if she'd recognize them or not. "Call me on your way back home, dear. 'Cause I miss you. And I just wanna die without you -"

My terrible singing was cut off by a sensation on my lips, the lightest feather touch, and it made my chest explode when I realized just what it was. It was Carolina Hawkins, kissing me. Carolina Hawkins, lying next to me on a mattress, kissing me as I sang Ryan Adams' lyrics to her.

As her fingertips moved to trace my jaw, I kissed her back, not caring about a single other thing in the world than her.

Slowly, a large grin worked it's way onto my lips, as I continued to kiss her and as she continued to kiss me back.