Love Is Hell

Lina.

“Lina!” my best friend gasped out. “I found you two lying in a bed together, holding hands! Don’t try to tell me that nothing happened!”

I sighed. I don’t know why exactly I kissed Garrett, but I did. And I definitely didn’t hate it. I licked my lips again, remembering the way his lips felt against mine: hot but feather-soft, like they’d been made to kiss me...

“Lina, seriously! I’m not letting you off the hook on this! What the hell was going on? Do you two have a thing going on or what?” Courtney snapped, forcing me to push aside my thoughts that confused me so much. Did I like Garrett?

All I knew was that I wanted to go find him and kiss him again.

“I don’t know, Court. I just wanted to lay down for a little bit... and Garrett was with me, and he started singing one of my favorite Ryan Adams’ songs and I - I couldn’t help it, I just kissed him.”

When she heard my words, her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open a little. She stared at me for a few seconds, until finally, a half-smirk half-grin appeared on her face. “Well it’s about time!”

Despite the fact that it was only my best friend -after she’d found Garrett and I upstairs, close to half an hour after we’d “disappeared”, Garrett had shyly escaped downstairs and Courtney pulled me into the bathroom- I started blushing.

“What... what do you mean, it’s about time?” I said, trying not to laugh at how big her grin was now.

Courtney started shaking her head. “It’s been so obvious you guys needed to get together! We’ve all known it.”

“All of you guys? As in, everyone downstairs?”

She nodded. “Probably a few more people, too,” she laughed. “You guys make the perfect couple.”

What? Perfect couple? I hadn’t even decided if or how much I liked Garrett. Of course, I was attracted to him, but was that worth it, to let someone inside my walls? Though, I had already told him about my dad.

“Come on,” she said, interrupting my internal battle. “We need to go tell the guys this exciting piece of news!”

Instinctively, I shot up from my seat on the toilet lid and pulled her back inside. “Court, no! You can’t tell anyone!”

“Why not? Don’t you like him, Lina?”

I closed my eyes, groaning. “I don’t know for sure. Yes...maybe? I don’t know. Just...just let me figure it out first before you spread it like wildfire, okay?”

Courtney rolled her eyes but nodded, towing me back towards the stairs that led to the basement.

“There’s my girls!” Halvo yelled as soon as he saw the two of us descending the staircase. “Lina, where were you??”

I felt my cheeks begin to blush again as I felt the boys’ eyes on me. If Courtney was right, everyone already knew, then.

It was hard not to notice the way Pat would look at me, then move his eyes over to Garrett -who was sitting on the floor next to Tim- and then look at me again and wiggle his eyebrows. Even John looked like he knew by the way his smirk was sitting on his face.

I tried not to let out a sigh as I walked over and sat down on the empty seat next to Eric. Luckily, everyone began to return to whatever they’d been doing before; John and Tim started arguing over something going on in their video game, Jared was on the phone with who I assumed was his girlfriend Tessa, and Pat and Courtney were cuddled up on the couch. I tried not to laugh when I saw Nick passed out on the love seat I’d previously been sitting on earlier.

Of course, I couldn’t help my eyes from wandering over to where Garrett was sitting, occasionally adding in on Tim and John’s conversation.

I bit my lip and looked at Halvo next to me, who was giving me a peculiar look. “How long was I gone?” I whispered. I really didn’t want the other guys to be in on this particular conversation, and they were almost always prone to listening in on things they shouldn’t be.

He shrugged. “Not too long, Lina, don’t worry,” he said, giving me a little smile. It was like Halvo knew just how to make me calm down, and that made me realize how much I loved the kid and how glad I was that I’d met him.

I nodded, suddenly feeling choked up.

“Something happened between you and Garrett, huh?”

I debated on denying it, but there was no use, really. Halvo was Halvo and I could trust him. “Yeah. We kissed.”

He made a horrified face, making me giggle. “Not in my bed, right?”

I laughed again as I nodded. “Sorry, dude. A girl has needs.”

“So you suddenly have a need for Garrett now?” he asked, leaning in and whispering to conceal his words.

“I...I don’t know, Eric. I don’t know what to do.”

Halvo shrugged. “It’s simple, actually, Lina. Either you like him, or you don’t. If you’re not sure, then you like him, you just can’t word it yet. But if you really don’t like Garrett, then just thinking about dating him wouldn’t feel right. How do you feel?”

Suddenly everything seemed so clear.

***

It was nearly four in the morning, and actually, I was surprised any of us were even still awake (besides Nick and Jared, who were passed out on sleeping bags despite the other boys’ yelling).

Thankfully, Halvo finally told everyone that he was so fuckin’ tired and everyone was getting kicked out if they didn’t shut up, so after some complaining and mumbling curse words under their breaths, everyone started lying down.

When I looked over at Courtney to ask her where she was sleeping, an unfamiliar feeling twisted my gut as I saw her cuddling with Pat. The two of them looked so happy, I almost felt jealous from it. Automatically, my thoughts jumped to Garrett then, which made me blush again.

Accepting defeat, I glanced up at him to see that he was already looking at me. He smiled wryly when he noticed he’d been caught. I started to instinctively smile back; I needed to talk to him.

But there wasn’t a way that I could do it now. Everyone would surely listen in. So instead of going to him at his own spot on the floor, I claimed the mattress that strangely no one had stolen yet, the one Pat had been jumping on earlier, and watched him settle into his sleeping bag as Halvo turned off the lights. Now, the only illumination in the room was the distant light from upstairs, which was more of the idea of light than anything to be useful.

I sighed. I wanted to talk to Garrett and tell him what I needed to. How the hell was I supposed to now? It was practically silent, except for the occasional whisper across the room from one of the boys, or from Courtney and Pat’s low-key conversation.

Suddenly an idea popped into my head, and I quickly pulled out my phone and sent Garrett a text: Was it weird that I kissed you?

I couldn’t help but smirk when his phone lit up suddenly, signaling that he had a new message. In the dark, I could hear him sigh as he reached for it, his back to me. I could almost imagine what he was thinking.

I knew he had read my message when he rolled around in his sleeping bag to face me. My eyes had started to adjust to the darkness; I could barely make out the shape of his face, which seemed to suggest a smile. At least, I hoped so.

His reply was almost instantaneous. Are you regretting it?

It made me feel guilty; did he think that I did regret it? No, I texted back. Of course not. Sorry it wasn’t exactly expected, though.

I could hear his breathing as I sent the text. When he read it, it sounded like he laughed a little, which I was glad for.

Nothing is expected with you, Lina.

This time, it was me who laughed. Touche. Do you think everyone is asleep yet?

He slowly sat up, and I could slightly see his head turning, looking at everyone else. I think so. Why?

Will you come over here?, I typed, my thumb lingering over the ‘send’ button. Would he really even want to?

Finally, I thought, to hell with it, and sent it to him. Less than a minute later, I saw him reading the text, and my breath caught, my heart beating erratically.

My pulse quickened even more as I saw him stealthily slip out of his sleeping bag and quietly walk towards me, his steps cautious in the dark.

Now that he was right in front of me, I could see him clearly hesitating at the end of the mattress, so I reached up to grab his hand and pull him down next to me.

He fell with a hmph, and then, there he was, his face inches from mine on the pillow. He kicked the blankets around for a few seconds and pulled them up around him, and the space between us seemed so tiny.

“Hi,” he whispered finally.

“Hey, Nickelsen,” I said, suddenly not knowing what to say. How great.

No, this was Garrett. I knew exactly what I wanted to say to him.

At first, I’d been skeptical as I would have with any boy, but then I remembered who Garrett really was. He wouldn’t hurt me. This was the boy who drove me home on late nights, who sat next to me in class and at lunch, who ran with me the night we’d caught Courtney and Pat kissing, who scared off Jake Owens in the school parking lot, who took me to the grocery store and ate dinner at my house, who hid in the closet during hide-and-seek with me. This was the boy who had seen me the day my dad left, but never pestered me about it or told anyone what he’d seen. He was the boy who knew my secret and had kept it. I’d never been able to admit it until just now, but I, Carolina Hawkins, was very attracted to Garrett Nickelsen and he was lying right next to me.

He opened his mouth to say something, but then shut it, then opened it again. “What...what did you want me over for?” Then, as if regretting his choice of words, he added quickly, “Not that I, um, mind.”

“Actually,” I whispered, letting out a little giggle at his uncomfortableness, “I wanted to tell you something.”

“Ah. Um, okay. What is it, Lina?”

“Um, well...” I deadpanned. “You’re kind of pretty important to me, Gare.”

“You’re important to me too, Lina,” he said. I bit my lip as I felt his warm breath on my cheeks as he talked.

“Ugh, I don’t know how to just say it,” I groaned softly. How had my thoughts become so jumbled?

“Lina, can I just kiss you again, please?” he asked, raising his hand to run it along my jaw.

Instead of answering, I scooted closer to him on the mattress until there wasn’t any space between us and I pressed my lips against his, reveling in the feel of it. Suddenly, my uneasy thoughts disappeared as he arms wrapped around my waist, being replaced by warmth and passion.

I could feel him smiling into the kiss, like he’d done the first time. But this kiss was different. It was more...heated. It felt like years of feelings being compensated for. It felt like something we could do every single day, and I loved that feeling.

Eventually we had to stop for air, but I already missed the sensation of our lips moving in sync with each other, like it was an addiction.

“I’ve waited so, so long for that, you know?” he said, still slightly gasping for breath as he smiled crookedly at me.

“There’s more where that came from, too, Nickelsen,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around his neck.