Love Is Hell

Lina.

“Have you finished that essay for English yet, Lina?” Courtney asked as we sat on a picnic table outside of the school building on Wednesday. It was lunch time, and I was trying to effectively use that time to sleep.

“Are you kidding, Court? It’s due next week. I haven’t even started.”

“Lina! You’d better start it. It took me four hours to do mine.”

“Well, it’s not like I don’t have a toddler to take care of at home, Court. All Danny wants to do is get into stuff he’s not allowed to. It’s so hard, because I have to watch him constantly and when I tell him no, he throws a fit and gets mad at me,” I said, staring up at the Arizona sky as I lay on the wooden bench seat. I just told Courtney what I never wanted to tell anyone. “Ugh, I hate complaining. Sorry.”

“Carolina, you are allowed to complain. You do too much work, seriously. Do you want me to come over and help with Danny so you can work on the essay?”

I nodded. “That would be really great, actually. Danny loves you.”

“The kid loves everyone,” she said, putting a piece of apple in her mouth.

We were silent for a moment, until Courtney said, “So, Pat asked me out, on Friday.”

“What? At the party?”

She nodded.

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?” I asked, sitting up quickly.

She smiled, guiltily, and said, “I guess I kind of forgot about it. But he wants to take me to dinner on Saturday.”

I nodded, taking it in. I guess I hadn’t imagined Courtney as the kind of girl to get into a relationship. She’d gone on a few dates over the years, but neither of us had really had a steady boyfriend. “Just be careful, okay? I don’t want to have to kick anybody’s ass,” I said, causing her to grin.

“Lina, that’s crap. You’d love to kick someone’s ass,” Courtney laughed. “But I will, be careful, I mean. But Pat’s a great guy; I’m sure he won’t hurt me.”

I nodded. Pat was pretty nice -I had to admit it- but I still had my doubts.

***

“Mom, I’m home!” I yelled as I entered the kitchen, throwing my keys on the table.

“Sissy!” called a little boy with dark hair as he ran and attached himself to my side. I picked him up, sitting him on my hip as I searched the fridge for food to make.

“Hi, Danny. How was your day?” I asked, kissing his cheek.

“Mommy and I colored and watched a movie and went to the store!”

“Oh yeah? What’d you get at the store?”

“Food. And ice cream!” he said, nodding his head enthusiastically. I smiled.

“Hey, honey,” my mom said as she walked from the living room to the kitchen. “Where’s your brother?” she asked, meaning Joey.

“He had baseball practice today, remember? He won’t be home until 6.”

She frowned. “Oh. Well, how was school?”

I shrugged, pouring myself a glass of juice. “The usual. Boring.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.”

I nodded, not really knowing what to say to her. Our conversations were always like this. “Courtney’s coming over tonight, to help me watch Danny. I’ve got a lot of homework to catch up on.”

“Alright, dear. I’ve got to leave in about ten minutes for work,” she said. She worked in a chiropractor's office as a receptionist. Answering phone calls was really all she could do, now. I tried my hardest not to notice her hands shaking as she moved the mail that had been sitting on the table, to the far corner. After that, she smiled at me and went upstairs to get ready.

I made Danny a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and decided to call Courtney. I was actually kind of looking forward to getting something done tonight.

“Hello?” her voice said to me through the receiver.

“Hey, it’s me. What time are you coming over?”

I heard her exhale on the other end of the line before she said, “Give me twenty minutes?”

“‘Kay, see you soon,” I said, ending the call. “Hey, Danny, guess who’s coming over to see you?” I called.

He rose from his seat in front of the tv. “Who?”

“Courtney!”

He grinned. “Really?”

I nodded and placed a smile on my face, too. “Yep. You can show her the pictures you colored today.”

“Can she watch a movie with me too?”

“‘Course, bud.”

“When will she get here?” he asked, throwing me question after question.

“In twenty minutes, okay?”

“But that’s so long!” he whined.

“Danny, just sit down, eat your sandwich, and watch tv. Courtney will be here very soon. Alright?”

He nodded, turning his attention back to the tv, and I sighed. I’d been helping my mom take care of him since I was fourteen, when he was born.

A spark of rage went through me. My dad was supposed to be here, helping my mom. I still didn’t understand how he could just leave us, when he knew my mom’s condition. After he left, it had only gotten worse. Part of me really did blame my dad for how much worse my mom had gotten. He’d really hurt her. Truthfully, I was ashamed that we still had his last name tacked behind our firsts. It felt like an awful tattoo, inked onto my skin.

My mom came walking down the stairs, her hands tight on the railing to keep her balance. “I’m leaving for work, Lina. You’ll be okay, right?”

“Of course, Mom. Danny, tell mom bye before she leaves,” I said, nudging him with my foot.

“Bye, Mommy! Drive safe!” he said, causing her to laugh. He’d heard me telling her the same thing too many times.

“I will, honey. Be good for your sister, alright?”

He nodded, turning his attention back to the tv. My mom left a few seconds later with a wave.

Twenty minutes, Courtney arrived, just like she’d promised. Danny immediately ran to the front door and opened it -which I’d told him not to numerous times- and hugged her. He pulled her to the couch and brought out the pictures he’d drawn with my mom.

I smiled at how much Danny loved my best friend before escaping to my room, reluctantly starting my essay.

***

I woke up to the sound of my stereo playing Third Eye Blind softly and muted voices from downstairs floating into my room. I groaned, realizing I’d fallen asleep while reading a book that corresponded with the essay I was supposed to be working on. I’d thought I might have been imagining the voices, but when they continued, I started down the stairs, wondering who the hell was in my house.

“Courtney, what-” I started to say when I walked into the kitchen, but stopped when I saw two faces that did not belong in my house. “Oh. Hi, Pat, Garrett,” I said, taking in the scene in front of me. Danny was sitting at a chair at the bar, next to Courtney. Standing against the table next to them was Pat Kirch and Garrett Nickelsen. All four of them had pieces of pizza in their hands. “What are you guys doing here?” I asked, frowning but trying to keep my tone of voice light. If Courtney liked Pat, he must be a nice guy.

“Nice to see you too, Lina,” Pat said. I smirked at him.

“Well, Danny was hungry and I didn’t know what to make, so I just called Pat and had him bring over a pizza. I was going to ask if you wanted some, but you were asleep and I didn’t want to wake you,” Courtney said, stabbing a small, cut-up piece of Danny’s pizza with a fork and feeding it to him.

“Oh. That’s okay, I guess,” I said, walking around to where Pat and Garrett were standing. I grabbed a plate and a piece of pepperoni pizza from the box and leaned up against the table, next to Pat.

“We got your favorite, Sissy. Pepperoni pizza!” Danny said, smiling with his mouth full of food.

I grinned and said, “Danny, eat with your mouth closed, remember?”

He nodded and said, with his mouth still full of food, “I remember.”

I rolled my eyes but the smile still slipped onto my lips. I looked over to the two boys standing in my kitchen. Pat was smiling, looking at Courtney. But Garrett was looking at me.

“He looks just like you,” Garrett said, nodding his head towards Danny. Joey, Danny, and I all looked alike; we looked like our mom. Even Danny had curling dark hair like the rest of us.

“Yeah, we’re all dark-haired beauties,” I said, scoffing.

“At least no one mistakes you for a dumb blonde,” he said.

At that, Courtney looked up and said, “Hey! I’m a blonde!”

“Court, you have brown hair,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“But I have blonde highlights! And it turns blonde in the summer.”

I shook my head. “We live in Arizona. It is eternally summer here, Court.”

She sighed and stuck her tongue out at me. “Don’t you have an essay to go write?”

I grinned at her and flipped her off. A few seconds later, we were laughing.

“Do you guys fight like this all the time?” Pat asked.

Danny nodded his head and said, “Always. They’re best friends and they hate each other.”

That night, all I could think of was the sound of Garrett’s laugh.