It Should Have Been Me

We woke up at five a.m. that morning, I wish I knew what we had in store.

“Steve.” A voice called out to me, small hands shook my shoulder. I turned onto my side, rubbing my eyes and then opening them. I blinked repeatedly my sight slowly coming into focus seeing the naked boy, Graham, beside me. He gave me a sheepish smile, electric blue eyes filled with a mixture of guilt and excitement.

“Hmm?” I asked, running my fingers through his dyed, dark blue hair. Graham sighed and closed his eyes, enjoying the gesture for a couple of seconds. I rested my hand back on the bed and smiled to myself. I knew the basis of his question, even though he hadn't said anything.

One. . . two. . . three. . .

“I want pancakes.” He whispered just as I thought he would. “Okay.” I said, getting up out of bed and beginning to get dressed.

I was wrapped around your little finger and you knew it. Waking up to one of your needs to fix a craving had been normal for me. The first time it happened though, it was a bit. . . surprising.

I traced his skin, mesmerized by the way it glowed in the dim light of my bedroom. His soft breathes mixed with the sound of the air pump filter in my ten gallon fish tank. The tank sat on a desk in the corner of my room beside the closet. Blue curtains covered my window, letting only a crack of light through. The air conditioner kept the room chilly. The type of cold you felt in the doctors office or the mall; perfect for cuddling under the blankets.

I sighed contently and gently rubbed the boys sides, goosebumps forming under my touch. Graham stretched and I watched closely as the muscles in his stomach stretched and then relaxed. I gulped and shuddered, resisting the urge to get turned on. I sighed and kissed the back of his neck, rubbing his hips.

Images of last night ran through my head. His writhing body and cries of pleasure. The way the simplest touch turned me on. The warmth radiating off of him, how his skin rubbed against mine, it drove me crazy.

“Steve.” He whispered, surprising me.

“Yes?” I asked.

“I want Swedish Fish.” He replied nervously. I furrowed my eyebrows and just stared at him, sitting up so I could look down at him and see if he was serious. His eyes darted around the room. “Please?” He asked. I continued to study him but then shrugged my shoulders. “Um, okay...” I said awkwardly.

“Can we go get some?” He pressed, now staring up at me, the sight of his eyes taking my breath away.

“Yeah.” I breathed.

For some reason you always loved to distract me. . .

Graham quickly got up slipping on briefs and a pair of snug skinny jeans. I watched as he shook his cute little butt to get them on. He winked at me when he caught my stare but I kept my eyes on him.

The boy waltzed over to where I was still seated on the bed and kissed me. Graham leaned over, his knees touching mine as he cupped my face and pressed his soft lips hard against mine. I kissed him back with the same force, grabbing his hips and pulling down his jeans just enough to rub his hip bones. Graham giggled and pushed me away, scampering over to our closet and taking out one of my pull over sweaters.

My sweaters were big, but he looked comfortable so I never minded. I slipped on a pair of boxers and black skinny jeans that had lost their snugness. I pulled on a blue, long sleeved thermal , deciding I wouldn't care if I was too cold. Of course Graham thought other wise and when I was slipping on my vans he threw me a black zip up sweater.

Graham slipped on his TOMs and then jumped on the bed. I grinned at him and stood in front of him, my back towards him. "You're the best!" He cheered, jumping onto me, arms wrapping loosely around my neck and his legs wrapping around my hips.

"I know, I know." I chuckled as I made my way out of the house, giving him a piggy back ride.

Every action, every word, the whole outline of that morning had gone so normal. It was a routine for the both of us, a routine that didn't happen always on the same days within the same time span but a routine none the less. I looked forward to it all the time, always ready to make you, my darling little angel, happy.

"You see this world has lots to offer, but in time it will go dark. And if this love is what we say it is I'm sure we will go far and with a boy as sweet as you. There's not much else I can do, but fall for you." Graham sang, eyelashes softly kissing his skin every time he blinked. I smiled and looked up at him, my head using his lap as a pillow. Graham looked off into the distance, seeming to be deep in though but then snapped out of it.

"You sing like an angel." I told him.

"Only because I'm singing for you."


But as we all know, things don't always go as we expect them too. Even the most normal things sometimes go wrong. There's just always that rare occasion were things don't go how you want them too.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, hanging my head low, holding the small store bought cake in my hands. Graham tilted his head, dark blue hair framing his face and reaching his shoulders. Before he could say anything I rushed out what I needed to say.

"It's just, the baker lost my order,Martin and Sylvia got food poisoning and my phone glitched out on me so no one got my texts. My mom had to take Anna to the emergency room because she got chicken box and Raymond's car got totaled. Ja-" Graham quickly silenced me with his lips. He kissed me right there on his porch, the television in his living room playing in the back ground. His neighborhood was quiet, no cars going down the street and his mom was most likely in the kitchen.

I stood there in shock when he pulled away, completely dumbfounded.

"Stevie, I don't know what you had planned and I really don't care. I don't need to have some special ordered cake, or our friends to be over. I hope Anna gets better and I understand Raymond's situation, but in case you haven't notice, none of it's bothering me. All I want for my birthday is you." The boy explained. I just stared at him, still not believing the fact that he had kissed me.

Graham Holloway had just kissed me, his best friend, Steve Drohan.

This utterly adorable and shy boy had came onto me.

"Will you be my boyfriend?" I asked him, smiling. Graham's face broke into a huge grin and he nodded his head eagerly, throwing his arms around me.

I couldn't help but hug him back, thinking about how I finally asked this boy to be mine.


But not all surprises are great.

Especially not the one that happened that morning.

Graham and I sat in the same booth that always occupied us. He took the last bite of his stack of pancakes and leaned against me, humming. I smiled at him and took a sip of my hot chocolate, only halfway through with my own breakfast.

"They were so good," He hummed, rubbing at his stomach."I'm so full."

I smirked at him, pulled away and tucked some stray hands of hair behind his ear. The blue hair boy giggled, looked up at me shyly and gave me a small smile. I leaned in a pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"I love you." I told him, cupping his cheek with my hand pressed my lips against his. The kiss was short, just a peck but it was still nice. Graham kept his eyes close when I pulled away, savoring the moment. He sighed and leaned in for another kiss, my own mouth meeting his halfway. Graham placed his hand on the back of my neck, keeping me close.

" I love you Steve, more that you will ever know. I'm so glad to have been with you for so long and for being able to have you. I feel so lucky." He gushed and I smiled. "I'd take a bullet for you." He added and I shook my head. Before I could return the caring words, the door to the cafe flew open

People say that life is a bitch, and then you die. You're born, shit happens and then you're suddenly gone; dead. Some people don't believe in love, they say love does nothing but hurt. I was always one of the few people that thought love would save me. I thought love was special and beautiful.

It wasn't though. You were my love Graham, and you weren't beautiful; you were gorgeous. You were my everything, anyone who knew us and strangers who passed by us could tell. It was the way I looked at you. Graham, I loved you so much and I will never stop loving you. I told you that and I hope you're seeing me now, go through my daily routine, still holding onto to anything that keeps me connected to you.

Because Graham, that morning I woke up to you was the last. When we stayed up the night before and sang Queen songs, it was the last. When we were in bed and I held you close, it was the last time, Graham.

That morning was the last time you were happy, the last you ate a meal on this Earth and it was the last time I was lucky enough to have my lips against yours.

Life is funny sometimes, and confusing.

Sometime it was just plain cruel.

In fact it's so horrible how cruel it can be, Graham!

That morning, after you finished eating and after that door opened, you died Graham! You died a scared, crying mess in my arms! You were killed by some low life who needed money, who was heartless enough that when the waitress didn't give him what he wanted, he shot someone in the Diner. That someone one was you.

That someone was the boy I fell in love with. It was the boy who dyed his hair dark blue and had theses amazing eyes. It was the boy who was my reason to be happy, to wake up in the morning, it was the boy who was there for me. You meant so much to me Graham!

But, God it hurt so much when you were gone! It hurt so fucking much. I just couldn't stop crying and the scene of your lifeless body haunted me in my sleep. I was a mess and I just couldn't stand your death Graham. I was put into a hospital because of how bad I got. I didn't want to eat Graham, I didn't want to live. Life was nothing without you. . .

I've gotten better since then. Life without you is still not easy but it's a bit more bearable. There are times where I break down and cry my heart out. There are days where I just don't move. But then I just remember and savor all those moments I spent with you. Graham I grew up with you, and you were my boyfriend for an amazing four, years. Some people don't get the chance to love, some people never find that special person. I wasn't some people.

I love you, and I'm sorry. . .

Graham, you didn't deserve this.

You should still be here beside me. You should still be laughing at the smallest things that no one else noticed. The random, odd cravings you had should be waking us both. My lips should still be able to press against yours. . .

I'm so sorry Graham, but. . .no matter what you would have said. . . I'll never agree, because . .. it should have been me.