Infinite and Indestructible

It’s been almost three months since the last time I got a hurtful comment from one of Liam’s so-called “fans”. The last time I got a few was when I went out with Liam a while back. That was when we went out to dinner with Louis and Eleanor. I’m just glad I haven’t heard any comments lately. But I know if I do jinx it, something most likely will happen to me, I’m sure of it. I wasn’t sure if I could handle it again.

I was sitting on the bed in our room of our flat when I hear my phone go off. Liam was off with the lads at a press conference for their new album. I was just sitting here relaxing until my phone began to go off. I grab my phone off the bedside table and press the home button to see a text from Eleanor and one from Liam. I smile a bit as I look at the screen. I open Eleanor's first and begin to read it.

Hey love! We need to have a lunch date soon! I miss you, Ash. This afternoon sound alright? And we could throw in a trip to the mall? I could drop by to get you? ;) let me know, lovely. :)

I begin to reply back to her message right away. Yes, I’d love to go! Miss you too, lady. ;) sounds grand to me! Noon sound alright? :)

Once I send the message to her, I check the time to see it was 11:15 a.m. Next, I decide to read the text from Li. I smile to myself as I read the text from my boyfriend.

Hi there beautiful! Just sitting here bored missing my favorite girl. I'll see you once we get out of here...if it's soon! Oh! and Louis just told me that he and the lads were thinking about going for a drink or two later, so I'll see you when I get home. Love you pretty girl <3 - your Liam

Hello sexy ;) I miss you too babe. I'll see you soon. I'm going shopping with El later and going to spend the day with her. Alright, text me if u do. Love you more, Li <3 <3 - your Ash-bear

I decide to get up and make my way down the stairs to make myself some tea. As I walk past the bathroom, I walk in and shut the door behind me so I could have some privacy. Once I was done, I flushed before walking over to the sink to wash my hands. After washing my hands with the pomegranate smelling soap that I really loved, I dry my hands on the nearest hand towel.

I head down the stairs and make my way to the kitchen. I find the kettle in one of the cabinets and set it on the counter so I could make my tea. After shutting the door to the cabinet so I wouldn’t forget, I rinse it out a bit before I fill it up with some water. I finish up making my tea a good ten minutes later. Now, I was sat on the couch sipping my tea free to my own mind. My mind began to drift off to a few years ago, the days I dreaded most of all…

I sat there beside Liam on the floor of the bathroom, trying to calm my tears. He had a protective arm around me as he tried to get me to stop crying. The tears couldn’t stop falling down my cheeks. I didn’t understand how they could do that. All the hate I got is what made me start to cut and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

They, being the stupid girls, always criticizing me and going on about how chubby I was – am. I was only in my 9th year of school, just fifteen years old, a small fish in a never ending ocean chock full of vicious sharks known as the upper classmen. How the hell could they be so rude? It just wouldn’t stop, and that’s how I ended up here. This has been going on for months on end. I just wanted to end it all, right here, right now.

Just as I was about to make another incision on my already slit wrist, Liam burst through the door. The small blade I held on to slipped from my fingers and clattered to the floor. “What the hell are you doing, Ashley?” he asked, hurrying over to me and engulfing me in a tight embrace.

I couldn’t get a word out, only sputtering out some nonsense along with a sob. I lower myself to the floor and pull my legs up to my chest. Liam copies my gesture and cradles me in his arms trying to get me to stop crying. It was no use; I only began to cry harder.

“I don’t understand, babe, you are beautiful, why are you doing this to yourself?” he asks and I feel him place his forefinger underneath my chin and slowly push my face up to meet his eyes. As I meet his gaze, I notice his eyes were filled with tears and sorrow for me.

“I…I-I d-don’t f-feel l-like…I’m n-not good enough, Li,” I cry into his shoulder and feel him pull me onto his lap, tightening his arms around my waist. I wince as he grabs hold of my left wrist and turns it to see many scars and fresh cuts. He slowly begins to trail his finger over the cuts and takes in a nervous sounding breath. I don’t have enough strength to use my voice; all I do is let out another loud sob.

“Y-yes, you are, Ash, you r-really a-are, I’m here for you and I’m not leaving, I’ll always be here for you,” he whispers and I hear him sniffle, which told me he was crying. He tightens his arms around my body. I can’t help but continue to cry in his arms...

I am soon pulled from my thoughts by the doorbell sounding loudly throughout the flat. That must’ve been Eleanor; she must’ve been here to pick me up. We were going shopping. I sniffle and wipe the tears from my eyes with my hands and run a hand through my hair making it less disheveled as I could and put it into a bun. Every time I think of that, I can’t help but cry. I’m glad Liam was there for me during that time or I don’t think I would be here right now.

I rise up from my spot on the couch and straighten out the shirt I wore. I was in a pair of light wash skinny jeans and a comfy jumper that I didn’t feel like changing out of. Lastly, I finished my outfit off with a cute grey beanie atop my blonde waves. I go over and grab my purse along with my phone and key to the flat. My favorite shoes were by the door, Sperry boat shoes, so I slid them on before I pulled the door open to see my best friend standing there, a small smile on my face.

“Ash! I’ve missed you, love! Ready to go?” Eleanor asks and comes forward, pulling me into a hug.

I smile and hug her back. “Ready to go, El. How’ve you been?” I ask and push the strap of my bag higher up on my shoulder as I step into the hallway, pulling the door closed behind me. I turn to lock the door with my key before putting it back in the spot I always keep it in my purse.

“Been really good, how about you, Ash?” she questions happily, looping her arm through mine as we head to the lift. We soon make it to the lift. I reach over and press the button for it to open so we could head down to the lobby.

“I’m alright,” I tell her with a slight smile. Her smile fades as she looks at me. Great, I knew she was going to ask me some questions on why I was acting so glum. The doors of the lift soon open and the two of us step inside. I lie and shift my gaze to the floor.

“Ash, you’re lying, I know you’re not, I’m your best friend. What’s wrong?” she replies and looks at me with a sad smile on her face.

“I just…I don’t know, have a lot of stuff on my mind,” I tell her simply, not wanting to get into what I was really thinking. We soon walk out to the lobby and head out the doors to her car. I pull out my sunglasses and slip them on once we get outside. I was glad to get out of the house and go shopping with my best friend. Once we get into her car, we are soon on our way to the mall.

I have a feeling, a strong one in which we’ll be spotted by crazy fan girls. These fans of the boys are mad and no matter what, always go after us, their girlfriends. We’re always one of the main targets. Can’t they go on about something else other than talk trash about us? I didn’t like it one bit, especially when it’s something about me. Every so often, I can’t help but search up my name in Google to find what the press is saying about Liam and I, more specifically, me. I’m just as curious as the next girl but it hurts, especially when they send you death threats. Now, that’s pretty damn personal.

Eleanor turns the radio on once we are on our way to the mall, which I was thankful for, so I could get my thoughts on something else. She begins to make some remarks to some stupid thing Louis did a few days ago that was actually pretty funny. The drive wasn’t too long to the mall where we were headed, Westfield Shopping Centre, a good twenty minutes or so from the flat complex we all lived in, all thanks to the traffic. If it wasn’t for the traffic, we would’ve gotten there quicker.

“That traffic was bloody ridiculous, glad we’re finally here,” Eleanor mutters as she pulls into a spot near the front entrance.

“No kidding,” I reply with a slight chuckle and undo my safety belt as she turns the car off. She smiles at my reply and undoes her safety belt. We grab each of our purses and are soon walking up to the entrance of the shopping centre.

“Where to first, Ash?” El asks looking at me as we walk through the automatic sliding glass doors. I look over at her after I put my sunglasses back in my bag. “Uh, I don’t really mind, it’s your pick,” I tell her with a smile.

Next thing I know, I am soon being drug toward this cute boutique I’ve never been in before. It looks like they have all sorts of accessories and stuff like that. I’ve always loved stuff like this, especially sunglasses. I have so many pairs, I don’t think I’ve even worn all of the pairs I have, only a select few that I actually do wear, my aviator’s included. They were my favorite and most comfortable pair of sunglasses I owned. I also loved the bling studded Ray-ban looking ones Liam got me a while back.

The two of us split up to look at our own thing and agree to meet back up in a bit. There were so many cute things that I really liked, from sunglasses to belts and scarves, you name it. This was a dangerous store for me to go in for sure; I’m going to end up coming home with the entire store if I hold back a lot. Only two things maximum, Ash I think to myself as I skim through a rack of cute scarves with every print you could think of.

After looking around for a few minutes, I find a cute plaid scarf that could go perfectly with a few outfits I had, during winter months, obviously. It was red and I could pair it with a long-sleeve shirt, some leggings and my black UGG’s that Liam gave me for Christmas last year. I pay for the scarf and this simple silver ring I thought fit perfectly with my outfit I wore now. Eleanor stood right near the entryway of the shop, a bag in her hands while she waited for me.

“What’d you get, El?” I ask with a smile as I approach her, bag in my hand.

“This cute blue paisley headband that reminds me of those weird headband/bandana things Harry wears all the time,” she says with a laugh. “It’s real cute, I’ll show you later,” she finishes with a smile.

I can’t help but laugh at her comment of Harry and his headbands. He apparently really likes them because all of the times we’re all together with our guys, he is always wearing one. It’s quite funny, actually. He’s like a woman who wears scarves, yet ties them around his head instead of around his neck like normal.

Eleanor and I go to the store beside the one we were just in. It was some vintage looking store, called ‘Vintage Dreams & Things’. There were numerous racks of all sorts of vintage clothes. I really had a love for all things vintage. Some of it can be cute but it can be the total opposite, too. It just depends on what you’re looking for, I guess.

I try to keep myself from going overboard. I had more than enough clothes and I don’t think I need anymore. Eleanor and I look around for a bit before we decide to leave and walk around a bit to decide where to go next. We talk amongst ourselves and laugh at some of the weird looking people around us. It was fun to walk around and see all the different kinds of people who come here to shop.

I glance ahead of me to see a group of girls, about six, standing around whispering to each other. Every so often, they would look up, point at something, and then look back at each other and get back to whispering their nonsense. It was like they were looking at us, but it wasn’t for certain. I was probably just imagining things, I hope I was.

After walking around a bit, Eleanor proclaims she’s hungry. I nod my head in agreement, wanting a little something to eat myself just not a huge portion. Since eating some Ramen a little earlier, I was still full and wanted a small snack. We link arms and make our way to the food court. There were a bunch of people sitting at tables chatting away and enjoying their day.

“I’m not really that hungry, I just want a small snack,” I say to Eleanor as we stand there and decide on what we wanted to eat. She soon decides she wanted some pizza from the stall where they sell some that is really good. I’ve had it once with Liam a while back, and it’s quite good.

“What are you going to get, Ash? I’m going to get in line to get some pizza, I’m starving,” she says as she looks at me. I shrug my shoulders a bit as I begin to scan my eyes over all the food stalls they had to choose from. My eyes soon catch the sign of a pretzel place. It was really good.

“I think I’m gonna get a pretzel, been wanting one lately,” I tell her and motion over to the stall, which was right next to the pizza place, which was packed with people in line.

“Alright, meet me over by the pizza place after you get yours,” she says with a small smile. I nod in response. We head toward the food stalls and separate once we get to the ones we wanted. The line for the pretzel place had a few people ahead of me; an older woman with a younger girl I’m guessing had to be her daughter, and a few girls before them. It doesn’t take too long considering there were only four people ahead of me.

I end up getting a pretzel without salt along with the hot cheese on the side. The salt was good on it but I only liked it sometimes. It can be a bit too much at times. After I pay for mine, I put my wallet back in my purse along with the bag that fit in there. I pick up my pretzel in the wax paper along with the small cup of hot cheese and thank the lady behind the counter before walking off so I could meet up with Eleanor.

As I approach Eleanor, who stood there waiting for me, I couldn’t help but notice that same group of girls from earlier. This time, they were a little ways away from where El and I stood. One of them was whispering something to another one of the girls before pointing. Now I knew what–who–they were pointing at – us.

El and I look at each other, both confused before looking back at the girls. “What’s that all about?” she whispers to me.

“No idea,” I mutter and shrug my shoulders as I take a small bite of my pretzel. The six girls begin to make their way over to El and I. One of the girls walks up to us, a small smile on her face. She looked about seventeen or eighteen. The other ones just stand there with smug looks on their faces.

“Hi…um, I just wanted to say I love you and Liam together so much, you guys are the cutest, just like Louie and Eleanor,” she says, staring at me first and then gesturing to Eleanor when she brought up her and Louis. I smile at her sweetly and thank her for the support telling her it means so much and that I’ll make sure to tell Liam.

“Thank you, love,” Eleanor smiles at the girl and gives her a one sided hug, since she held the tray in her other hand.

“What’s your name, love?” I ask with a smile as I look at her. She had medium length dirty blonde hair and brown eyes.

“Ryanne,” she tells me with a smile.

“It was very lovely to meet you, Ryanne,” Eleanor speaks for the both of us and grabs hold of my arm with her open hand. As we walk off, El and I give her a polite wave she smiles back and waves in reply. A select few of the other girls begin to shout horrible things directed towards me. What bitches, for saying shit like that in a public place; it’s not right, at all.

Eleanor and I soon find a table far enough away from those stupid bitches yelling that shit to me. By the time we sat down with our food, I’ve lost my appetite and couldn’t eat anymore. I could still hear them, even from far away, yelling every name in the book toward me. My eyes were filled to the brim with tears that I knew would fall any second. As I look up at Eleanor, I notice her eyes glossy as she stares at me. I knew she had a feeling what I’m going through, each of the lad’s girlfriends get hate like this all the time. I didn’t like this at all. I just wanted to go home and be alone. I could feel the tears slowly falling down my cheeks, clouding my vision. When I open my mouth to speak, the only thing that comes out is a choked sob from my lips.

It really upsets me and hurts me to no end that these girls who don’t even know the boys or me, any of the girlfriends really, personally think they can say whatever they want to us. We will see it, no matter what it is, and if not directly on Twitter, we’ll figure out somehow. I don’t like it one bit. How can you say something about someone you don’t even know? That’s just plain rude. Why would you want to hurt someone like that?

I may be Liam Payne’s girlfriend, but I am a human being, as well. We all have feelings and get upset at opportune times. When I get threats like that, I can’t help but take it personal. That’s just how I grew up. I wish I wouldn’t let it get to me so bad, but it does and it makes me hurt even more. Growing up, I was always ridiculed for being chubby and not pretty enough. It made me sick at one point and it led me to begin cutting because I always felt down all the time.

I am a little bit happier when Eleanor tells me she’s going to take me home. All I can do is nod. If I tried to speak, I would just burst into even more tears. I push my bag higher up on my shoulder as Eleanor leads me toward the place where we came inside the mall. I sniffle and wipe my eyes best I could as we head to the car. The walk seemed further away than it did when we first got here.

The whole way home, I stare out the window and let the tears fall down my cheek endlessly. I am brought out of my thoughts when I hear Eleanor’s voice telling me we’re back home, at the flat complex. I give her a slow nod and get out of the car, our bags in tow. She walks up with me to mine and Liam’s flat. I didn’t even bother to check for our–my–car in the lot due to the other things on my mind.

Right now, I could barely think straight at all. All I wanted was to be alone in my apartment. Everyone, Liam included, knew when I got in a mood like this, I wanted to be left alone. The next time I look up, I notice I was standing in front of our flat, mine and Liam’s. I struggle to pull the key from my purse but manage to do so after a minute or so. After unlocking the door, I push it open and slowly make my way inside.

“Ash, I’m so sorry about earlier, I hope you’ll be fine here, because the guys won’t be back for another few hours, I think Louie said they might go out for a drink or two,” I hear Eleanor tell me as she leads me to the couch and motions for me to lay down. I nod my head slowly in reply and comply, before I curl up into a ball, tears continuing to fall down my cheeks and I try to get comfortable.

“You know where to find me, sweetie, oh my god I feel so bad for you, those bitches deserve to go to hell for what they told you,” she tells me and grabs the blanket that was draped over the couch, covering it over my body and leaning forward pressing a kiss to my forehead. I pull it tightly around my body and mutter a soft ‘thank you’ to her and chuckle a bit at her remark. It made me feel a bit better but not enough.

For the next few minutes, I lie there and try my best to get to sleep so I could get my mind off this. I soon hear the sound of the door closing. El must’ve just left. I slowly rise up from my spot on the couch and sniffle a bit, the tears slowly coming down my face. A bath; that’s the one thing I needed right now. It always seems to calm me down from times like this. Well, it’s worked in the past, so I’d like to think it’d still work now just as well.

I saunter off to the bathroom and kick the door shut with my foot not even bothering to lock it. I wasn’t in the mood, all I wanted was to relax, I needed a distraction from it all. After I walk over to the tub, I turn on the faucet so I could heat up the water. Pulling open one of the cabinets, I pull out the bottle of lavender smelling soap bubbles to put in the water and set it on the counter by the sink.

Just as I was about to shut the cabinet door, I see a small tin box near the back. I immediately knew what that was; my old friend was in that box…the blade I got so accustomed to. The box was covered in dust like it had been sitting there for a while and hadn’t been touched in a long while, a good four years or so. I thought I had thrown it out but in times like these, I could really use it, maybe once, just once. I had a strong urge to feel the cold blade against my clammy skin, piercing it harsh and raw with the sharp edge.

I set the tin box on the edge of the sink, close to the tub. When I check the water to see it was hot enough, just how I wanted it, I begin to undress so I could get in the tub. I don’t bother to toss my dirty clothes and undergarments in the hamper, leaving them in a pile on the floor. A shaky sigh escapes my lips as I slowly lower myself down into the soapy hot water.

I soon begin to relax a bit once I lower myself down in the tub. It was big enough that my entire body was underwater aside from my head, the water stopping right above my chest. It felt so good and calming. After a few minutes, I slowly open my eyes and eye the tin box on the edge of the sink.

“I…I need it, just once, want to feel the burn…” I trail off, tears stinging my eyes as I stare at the tin box for a few minutes deciding what to do. I answer my own request when I slowly rise up from the tub and lean over so I could grab the tin box. It felt cold against my now wet flesh as I tried to get it to open. The tin box soon pops open and I pull the top back to see it in the same place it’s been for years…my old friend, the blade clean as new like it’s never been used.

I grab hold of the sharp blade and set the box on the closed toilet lid. “I need this…” I mumble to myself as I hold the blade steady in between my fingers about to pierce the newly wet skin on my right wrist. “Just once…” I mumble to myself once more before I push the cold blade against my skin and bring it over slowly, blood oozing from the cut I made.

I feel the familiar sting as the newly torn flesh comes into contact with the water. I let a sob from my lips as I pull it from the water and slowly move my finger across the redness that appeared on my arm. I felt euphoric as I cut for the first time in years. I couldn’t stop myself; I needed a few more cuts. It wasn’t enough, I needed more. That’s just what I did...

Next thing I know…I see nothing but darkness around me like everything has disappeared.