Too Young

A feeling of dread filled David’s entire body as he walked towards his apartment building. He knew what he needed to do; it was something he’d been arguing with himself about for over a month. He’d finally decided that he needed to do it, that it was for the best. That didn’t mean he wanted to do it, that he liked what he had to do. The thought alone killed him. He didn’t know how he was actually going to go through with it.

David hated himself more and more as he walked towards his apartment. The internal battle he’d been fighting for over a month was stronger than ever. Don’t do it, part of him said. You need to do it, the other argued. He was torn. He didn’t want to, but he also knew that it would be for the best. Not immediately, it would take time. It also wouldn’t be best for him. It would however be best for her.

The dirty blonde haired male felt sick to his stomach as he stopped outside his apartment door. His hands were visibly shaking as he grabbed his keys to unlock the door. He always locked the door even if Sara was still there while he was gone. He didn’t want just anyone being able to walk into his apartment.

“Hello, love.” Her light and airy voice greeted him like it always did whenever he returned to her or vice versa. The sound of her voice alone always put him at ease, but today wasn’t the case. He despised himself so much for what he had to do, and she wouldn’t be able to make him feel better.

Turning after he shut the door, David’s eyes searched for the owner of the voice that had greeted him. His hazel eyes landed on her petite body after a few seconds, and he felt his heart squeeze in his chest. The pixie like red head stood on the back of the leather couch, reaching above her to try to screw a light bulb into the fixture on the ceiling.

“Sara, don’t do that,” David said to his girlfriend of nine months. The red head looked over at him, a slightly defiant look in her green eyes. She had never cared for when he tried to tell her what and what not to do. “Sara, you’ll hurt yourself. Get down.”

“Oh, stop worrying, love,” she retorted, flipping her hair back as she returned her attention to her task. David sighed, knowing there was no point in arguing with her. Sara always made a point to prove that she wasn’t as frail as she looked. David couldn’t help but worry about her though.

Knowing better than to argue, David just walked through the living room into the kitchen. He needed a drink to calm himself. He didn’t think he’d be able to do this if he didn’t have a drink. He didn’t know if he’d be able to do it even with the alcohol in his system.

You love her, a small voice in his head said. You’re crazy for letting her go. David agreed. He truly questioned his sanity when he even considered breaking up with Sara. He loved her so much that it almost hurt. He was crazy about her.

If you really loved her, you’d let her go, the other voice argued. He also knew that was true as well. It wasn’t right for him to keep her around. It was selfish to do so, even if he did love her. He had to do it because he was holding her back. At thirty-five, he’d already lived most of his life and done all the crazy things he would ever do. He was seven years sober, and he was ready to settle down and have kids. Sara, on the other hand, was twenty-two and had her whole life ahead of her. She had friends who liked to go out and party on the weekends, but he couldn’t go with her. She told him she was ready to settle down and have kids, but he knew she was still too young. She wasn’t old enough for that. She needed to live her life without being held back, and he was holding her back. As much as it killed him to let her go, he had to do this for her. She didn’t know what she wanted yet. She was still so young. She was too young for him.

“David?” he heard her call as he downed his beer. He couldn’t find his voice. He so desperately didn’t want to end the best thing to ever happen to him. He’d been happier these last nine months than he’d been his entire life. “What’s wrong?” she asked, walking into the kitchen. He turned, seeing her usually bright face now worried as she studied him. He froze, unable to speak or move. He could already see the hurt she would feel when he broke it off. It didn’t matter how gently he did. Her heart would be broken when he did it.

He swallowed hard as he looked at her. I can’t do this, he thought. I can’t bring myself to do this. It didn’t matter if it was the right thing or not. He refused to be the one to hurt her the way he was about to do.

“David?” she asked softly, placing her hand on his arm. He closed his eyes, relishing the feel of her hand. It was soft and warm, the touch of it proving that she really cared at him. “David, what’s wrong? You’re acting weird.” David opened his eyes, looking straight into her green ones. They were wary and concerned, almost like she knew what he was fixing to do.

“Sara,” he said, swallowing the lump in his throat. He had to do this now and get it over with; otherwise he’d never do it and beat himself up for it. “Sara, we’re done.” He winced as he saw her eyes fill with hurt and disbelief. She shook her head like she couldn’t believe what he was saying.

“What?” she asked, and he knew it was a way of begging him to say something else, something that wasn’t what she had heard. He wanted to give her what she wanted, but he couldn’t, not without feeling guilty for chickening out. So, instead, he lied, straight to her face.

“It was fun while it lasted, but it’s time to just go our own ways.” Her eyes widened, silently asking him how he could say such a thing to her. He kept his face blank. He wouldn’t let her see it was killing him to say those things.

“What’s gotten into you, David?” she asked.

“Sara, all of this was only sex. I got what I wanted, and now I’m bored.” Fucking liar! he shouted in his head. “Did you really think there was actually something real between us?”

“Y-you’re lying,” she stammered. He saw her green eyes shine with tears of hurt. He wanted more than anything to tell her he didn’t mean it and hold her in his arms. That wouldn’t be right though. “W-why are you lying to me, David?” Her voice was starting to tremble as she held back her tears.

“I’m not lying, Sara. There’s no fun in this anymore. It’s all sex, doll. That’s all it’s ever been.” How could he say that and act so nonchalant on the outside but break down completely on the inside? It didn’t make sense. What kind of person was he that he was willingly hurting the one person he loved most on this planet? It didn’t say a lot about him, and it was most definitely another reason for him to let her go now. Someone as perfect as she was didn’t need someone who would voluntarily hurt her.

“You said you loved me.” She was trying to look cold, but failed due to the tears falling down her face. She wasn’t aware of the tear stains on her cheek. She was focused solely on David, and the older male was growing uncomfortable under her stare. He felt like he was being interrogated by police or in the spotlight on stage where everyone could see him at his worst. You’re a pathetic, horrible man, David Barker.

“I lied,” he said simply. His heart was pounding in his chest, and he was sure he was starting to sweat. He didn’t like this. He just wanted it to be over with already so he could grieve the end of their relationship. “You’re not what I want, Sara. You’re steady, predictable. I don’t want someone that I can predict easily. I want someone like the sea, unpredictable and never reliable. I want someone who’s calm one moment and angry the next. You can’t give me that, Sara. You’re not that kind of woman.” She stared at him, the look on her face unreadable. Why couldn’t she just accept what he had to say and leave? What was the point in her sticking around to fight this?

Because she loves you, the voice in his head replied to the question burning in his mind. She loves you just like you love her.

Yeah, but doing this will show just how much you love her, the other voice argued. You have to do this, David.

David didn’t expect the petite red head to throw herself at him, her thin arms wrapping around his neck in a vice like grip, and she caught his lips in a fierce kiss. He had to fight himself not to respond, not to hold her and never let go. He couldn’t stop himself from kissing back though, but he did keep his hands to himself. He could savor this one last kiss.

“Is that really all you need?” she asked, pulling away and studying him. He swallowed, trying hard to keep his hands from shaking from how upset he was. Fighting his emotions, he just barely managed to keep a straight face.

“It didn’t mean a thing to me.” She let go of him, shoving against his torso, but her tiny stature didn’t hold the strength to so much as to make him sway.

“Don’t you dare do this to me!” she screamed, now letting the tears freely fall down her face. “Don’t you dare lie to me, David! Stop doing this and just tell me what you’re really thinking!” Her shouts dulled as the sobs overcame her, and she brought her hands over her face as she cried. David’s heart broke at the sight. He didn’t know how he managed to keep himself from comforting her.

You’re a real bastard, David Barker, he thought. He agreed with that statement wholeheartedly. He had to be the smallest man on earth to do what he was doing right now.

“What I am to you, Sara,” he started after several minutes, “it’s not real.” You don’t need it, he thought and so desperately wanted to tell her that, but he couldn’t. Any sign that he actually cared, and she’d fight him even more than she’d been doing already. “What I am to you is not what you mean to me. You need to understand that.”

“I hate you,” she spat through sobs. “You dirty lying bastard!” He just blinked. He didn’t have a response to that. He already knew that’s what he was. She just didn’t understand why he had to do this. She didn’t know he was doing this for her. She wouldn’t understand.

“You don’t need me,” he said monotonously.

“Can’t you see that I do?” she shouted. “Can’t you see that I need you to get by in life? I need you, David! Why don’t you see that?” Why don’t you see that I’m holding you back from what you should be doing? he thought. Love makes us blind. “I fucking love you, David! Can’t you see that?”

“Sara, you’re not what I need. There’s nothing you could say to change my mind.” They stared at each other. His face was blank and emotionless while hers was hurt, tear stains starting to crying on her reddened cheeks. She didn’t seem to care that she had puffy eyes and blotchy skin due to her crying.

“Fine, I’m leaving,” she finally said, knowing there was no point in fighting any longer. She didn’t know why he was doing this, but she couldn’t fight him anymore. “Goodbye.” He didn’t say a word, watching her walk away from him.

Go after her, you idiot! But he couldn’t. This was for the best. He should’ve known from the beginning that the thirteen year age gap between them would be too much. He never should have pursued a relationship with her.

She was too young for him. That was fact, and this was the solution to the problem. He had to let her go and live her life. Even if it was killing him to do so, he couldn’t hold her back like that.

A thirty-five year old man and a twenty-two year old woman could never have a successful relationship. As much as he hated it, he knew it was true. He’d lied his ass off to her because he couldn’t tell her the truth behind why he had broken it off with her.

She was just too young.