Inexperienced

Darkness consumed me. Not one star shone in the usual blue night sky. I wasn’t sure where I was, but I could tell I was outside. The cool night’s chill blew ferociously. I shivered.

I didn’t feel right. I felt empty and hollow. The complete opposite of my normal feelings. I usually felt so upbeat and light when Jared came into my life.

A ripping feeling seared through my heart. Numbness invaded the now seemingly empty hole in my chest.

His name brought back the memory.

He told me it was over. He didn’t want me anymore.

The darkness suddenly seemed to fade and I felt like I was spinning in circles. I closed my eyes and screamed at the top of my lungs.

“Wake up!” I felt someone pulling on my arm. I jolted forward. “Finally.” I turned to my side, my eyes wide, and saw Ella hovering next to me. “You were screaming bloody-murder. I had to come wake you up.”

Wake me up? It was just a dream? I felt my heart lift with ease. It was all just a dream. “Oh,” I mumbled. “Sorry.” It was a pathetic apology. She just eyed me suspiciously and left me alone.

I stretched my body and winced a little bit at the pain in my shoulders. It’d been three days since the incident. I hadn’t spoken to Jared since. I did try though. I assumed everything would be alright. He was just drunk. Perfectly understandable, right?

He seemed to think differently.

I shook my head, rolled out of bed, and prepared for school.

It turned out to be another normal day. Not one word, nor glance, from Jared. I snickered. This wasn’t fair. He owed me some explanation for his reluctance to talk to me. I mean, seriously. He hasn’t even apologized or anything.

I shook my head and headed for my car.

Just then, the most beautiful voice was in my ear. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

I smiled and turned around. “Finally.” He looked at me blankly. “Yes, I’d love to talk.”

He sighed. “Look, Austin.” Something changed. His voice wasn’t the same warm, velvety voice I’d grown so use to. No, it was dead, lifeless.

I stared at him impassively, my mood plummeting.

“About the other night, I feel horrible for what happened. There’s no excuse for my behavior,” he said, his eyes full of remorse. “But there are things about me, no one will ever understand, and I just put you in danger because of it.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, concerned.

“You wouldn’t understand my past.”

“Let me try,” I explained. He shook his head. “Please? You won’t know if you don’t give me a chance.”

“I don’t want to give you a chance.” His voice was curt and emotionless.

I realized what his words meant. I took a step back, already feeling the warm liquid falling.

Tears were streaking down the side of my face. His warm hand wiped them away as he cradled my cheek. This aching feeling was throbbing in my chest. How could he do this to me? How could he do this to us? It felt like my legs were going to give way at any second, taking me down farther into this desperate ocean of loneliness. It was like I was drowning in my own body.

“You don’t have to do this.” My voice came out in gasps; this pain was taking my breath away.

His eyes, such a clear turquoise blue, hardened slightly at my pain. “Yes, I do.” His voice was so pure, so sure of his decision.

“Can you really just throw away this? Throw away you and me?” I was nearly barking at him, disgusted with it all. My sobbing came out loud, and I was not afraid to fight it back. He needed to see this. That he was breaking the only part of me that could ever truly remain broken.

His face was composed, a serene mask of decision. His mind was made up. He was not changing. “We can’t go on forever pretending.”

“Pretending? I was never pretending,” I growled at him.

His strong arms embraced me and I cradled my head in the crook of his neck: a perfect match. We fit perfectly together. “Do you not understand?” he asked frustrated.

I just clung on to him tighter. No, I didn’t. Our life wasn’t perfect, but what relationship ever is?

He pulled me back slightly so that my eyes met his. “I want to be with you, Austin. You have no idea. But sometimes it isn’t enough, and I can’t fake it anymore.”

“Fake? You call this fake?” I asked, and before I could control it, my lips were on his abruptly. I was surprised at myself. I never was the one who made the first move, but this was an involuntary response.

The blood pulsed through my veins. A thousand electric shocks tingled my spine. His warm lips molded around mine so perfectly, there was no denying the sense of wonder as we kissed.

When he broke away, I could see the distance growing in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I placed my index finger over his lips. “Save it.” The tone of my voice came out less harsh than I wanted. And with those last two words I walked away from the only person in my life that held my heart.

So much for being tired of faking, I thought to myself as I drove swiftly down the streets, the signs passing in a blur, with tears drenching my cheeks.