Breaking Free

I remember the night I lost my virginity. It was to a girl I’d been in a relationship with for three years and was my senior year of high school. I guess I didn’t expect it to effect the rest of my life. I knew it was a big turning point, but if I’d known how big I probably wouldn’t have done it.

It was the only time I’ve ever had sex. Just that once. I used protection, but I guess the condom broke. Because now I have a child to take care of.

I’m not resentful towards the kid or the mother, mostly just myself. If I’d tried, I could have prevented the whole thing. Though I was trying to prove something to myself and the rest of the school. Something that wasn’t true.

I feel bad about it now, knowing I used Aria. Thankfully she never knew, and she was using me too. That makes me feel less guilty. She just wanted a boyfriend and I happened to be the perfect option. The captain of the swim team, second in his class, and highly esteemed member of the student committee. And I was desperate too.

I loved her a lot…as a friend. But I did manage to have sex with her even though I didn’t find her very attractive. Don’t get me wrong, she was beautiful. If I were going to be with any girl it would’ve been her.

After she got pregnant I was struck with fear. What was I supposed to do with a baby? Would I be tied to Aria for the rest of my life? I didn’t want to be one of those men who got married and then just had affairs all the time.

I didn’t know what to do, so I told my grandfather. He was always the one I felt closest to in my family.

"Hey Gramps," I said, standing in the doorway, "I’ve gotta talk to you."

"Come on in son."

I awkwardly made my way to the living room and sat down on the couch. There I twisted my hands around and bit my lip nervously before turning to look my grandfather in the eye.

"I got Aria pregnant," I blurted, not even bothering to stall.

All I got was a sigh and the question, "What are you going to do about it?"

"I have no idea. I’m not prepared for this. I know you told me to wait until I was ready for a child, but we used protection, so I didn’t expect this at all. And now I feel like my whole future is going down the drain."

He sat there for a while, and I was worried that he was disappointed in me. Worried that he would be angry, or yell. Never had he raised his voice at me and in that moment I was so scared that he would.

"Fall down seven times, stand up eight."

I looked at him, not sure what he meant by that.

"Everyone makes mistakes," he continued, "So do you. Make sure you can take care of what you started."

I was staring intently at his coffee table, before I turned to him again.

There were wrinkle lines of smiles, and his gray hair was in a wisp around his head. His blue eyes that usually twinkled had a worried look in them. I knew that he’d had enough surprise for one day, but I had to tell him. I needed his approval. As long as he was okay with me it didn’t matter.

Mom and dad were always away on business. They loved me, but we weren’t close. If they didn’t accept me I wouldn’t be too heart broken. Grandfather was the only one I wanted the approval of.

I took a shaky breath. "Gramps?"

"Yes, Ethan?"

This was it. I concentrated on making my mouth form the words. Not the erratic beating of my heart. Not the complete terror I felt or the consequences that my words may have. Just making them come out.

"I’m gay."

It seemed like days before he finally responded.

"Do what makes you happy, Ethan. But don’t hurt the baby in the process. It’s going to need a father; it’s going to need you."

A huge relief swept through my body and tears started attacking me. I leaned into my grandfather’s chest and cried out all my joy, all my sorrow, and all of my mistakes.

After that I went on pretending that I was straight. It felt even more wrong than before, as if saying out loud had made it more real. I felt like I was betraying myself. Even worse I actually felt like I was betraying Aria. Before I could convince myself I would marry her and it’d be okay. No longer did I "believe" that.

On the positive side, no one from school found out about it. It happened on prom night, right before graduation, so she looked the same up until the end.

"What are we going to do Ethan? I don’t know how I’ll be able to juggle school and the baby. I need to go to college, and I can’t abort it."

I mulled it over in my mind. I really didn’t want to give up my future, but I’d been thinking about this anyway.

"I’m going to take a year off before I go to college. I’ll get a job and you can move into my parent’s house."

My parent’s weren’t tight on money. In fact, they had more than enough to support me Aria and the baby as well as themselves. They might not be happy about it, but I know that they would agree. Even though they aren’t always around they care. They would never let me or Aria sink. Over the years we’ve known Aria she’s become part of the family. I think I’ve known her for about ten years now.

She’s one of those friends where it becomes a blur as to how long you’ve known them. We’ve only been dating for three years though. My parents think she’s perfect for me. I wish I could love her the way they believe I do. It would make everything a little easier.

"I can’t let you do that Ethan."

"It’s okay, I was planning on it anyway. Before…" I trailed off, still uncomfortable with the fact that I’d soon be a father.

"Thank you so much!" she said, leaning in to kiss me. I kissed back, but it felt wrong. I felt wrong. And I felt like a horrible person for lying to Aria.

That summer went by slowly. I went out a little and hooked up with men. Every time I kissed them I felt sick, even though being with Aria would never work out in the long run. But I never let it go farther than a make out session. I don’t think I would’ve been able to forgive myself if I did.

But when the kid was born in January I stopped all of that. It made me feel even guiltier to cheat now that there was a child involved.

Maybe I was an awful person. I did all of these things and Aria never knew…but she left. She left in March after spending two months with the Arion. I guess she didn’t really want him. It hurt me that she didn’t bother to say goodbye, but it was like an old friend had left. I don’t think she was into our relationship either.

My parents knew about him, but they didn’t care. They just told me to take care of him properly because they didn’t want trouble with the law. I was lucky. Not all young people with children have the support I did.

Now I have an eight-year-old to take care of. I’ve made it through college, and am aspiring as an artist.

I have a few paintings that are really big, but my first big painting is how I met my current boyfriend. That was two years ago.

The beep played and I waited to see if the caller would leave a message.

"Hello, this is the New York Museum of Art. We’d like to put one of your works in our gallery. Please call us back at this number."

I squealed ecstatically. I’d been waiting for one of my paintings to make it big, but I know how hard that is.

On the night of the premier showing I got suited up and arrived fifteen minutes early to make sure the display looked okay.

Once I saw that everything was in order, I walked around the gallery to look at the paintings of other artists. There were few things that interested me, although everything was extremely well painted.

So I headed back to my own painting.

"The artist really knew what he was doing," an attractive male around my age said.

"Hmm…how?" I asked, curious what he would say.

"This picture really displays to me some type of struggle. It makes me think of what I’m fighting in my life. But I also think it makes it seem like you can overcome those things. Almost like a bird that’s caged and then let to fly free."

I looked at my painting. That really wasn’t what I was trying to say with it, but that’s the beauty of art. There are so many different types of interpretations.

"Well thank you."

"Is it yours?" he asked, with a smile in his voice.

I turned to look at his face.

"Yes it’s mine," I said, extending my hand, "I’m Ethan Stewart."

I felt a spark fly up my arm when he made contact with me.

"Kaden Cooper. Hey, would you like to get coffee sometime?"

"Sure."

He gave me his number after that and I spent the rest of the night talking to him. We looked at other painters’ works, but he said mine was his favorite. I think he might’ve just been hitting on me.

But I didn’t call him for a while. I’d forgotten about him and it just didn’t occur to me. Plus, I was busy with more of my paintings being demanded than before.

By then Arion was six, so it was easier for me to balance work and him. He had school, so I was able to work during the day without hiring a babysitter.

I had just gotten my own apartment a year ago, now that I was stable in the money department. My parents also gave me a little boost once a month for Arion. I felt a little bad about it, but I knew it wasn’t a big deal. Like I said, they weren’t tight on money.

It wasn’t until my grandfather died a month later that I called Kaden.

All of my friends were looking at me with sympathy in their eyes and Arion didn’t know why I was so sad all the time. I just wanted someone to be around that didn’t tiptoe or ask questions.

"Hey, this is Ethan from the art show. I was wondering if you wanted to grab that coffee?"

"Oh hey. Yeah, actually I’d love to. I need a little something to do."

"Cool. Wanna meet tomorrow at the Blue Café?" I asked, hoping he’d know where that was.

"Great, is seven good?"

"Perfect, see you then," I replied, hanging up the phone.

The next day I dropped Arion off with my parents (who were home for the week) and went to the café dressed in some of my best casual clothes. I was excited for something to take my mind off Gramps. We were really close, and I missed him so much. But I didn’t want to think of him 24/7. That was hard not to do when you’re around people who know.

Once I was at the café I ordered my drink and glanced around the room. I caught sight of Kaden and made my way over to his table.

"How long have you been waiting?"

"I literally just got here, it’s fine."

Grinning I slipped into the seat across from him. We talked about art and books and music. Surprisingly, we had very, very similar interests.

"So, um, do you want to come back to my place?" I asked after we’d been talking for a couple hours. I’m pretty sure the people in the café were getting annoyed with us.

A look of surprise crossed his face and I thought for a moment that I had read him wrong. I was ready to bury myself in embarrassment.

"Sure."

When we got back we were barely in the door before our lips were attached to each other’s. It had been so long since this kind of contact with another person for me, which only intensified the moment.

We were getting really into it, when he pulled off my shirt. His lips trailed down my chest and landed on the tattoo on the side of my stomach.

"What’s this?" he asked.

The question made me break down crying.

"I’m sorry," I sniffled, "It’s just something my grandfather said to me. He died last month."

I hadn’t wanted to tell him, but with my breakdown it seemed unavoidable.

He pulled me into his chest and let me cry there. Even though I didn’t know him that well it was comforting. I felt a connection, and I felt like everything was going to be okay.

After a while, I stopped crying and explained.

"When I was younger I got my girlfriend pregnant. The first person I told was my grandfather and he said to me ‘Fall down seven times, stand up eight.’ I understood it better when the baby was born. Even though I’d made a mistake in getting her pregnant, especially because I’m gay, I was able to make up for it by taking care of the kid. She left, but I just went on. It’s kind of my motto now. Whenever something bad happens to me, I just get over it. It’s just hard with my grandfather being dead."

"I’m sorry," he said, cradling my head.

That was kind of awkward, but I feel like it brought me close to him. After that we met a lot more. Next week he’s going to be moving in with me.

Arion is excited about it. He sees Kaden like another father figure. I’m glad that it’s not weird for him that his mother left and I’m gay. He’s really precious. Without Arion I don’t think my life would ever be the same. I wouldn’t be able to produce a lot of the things that I paint, because I wouldn’t have the same life experiences. And I wouldn’t have ever bonded with Kaden over that painting.

And I would’ve never gotten a second tattoo of the words he said to me about my painting being like a bird set free from a cage.