Our Burdens Won't Hold Us Down

Mitchell--------

Looking up from my coffee, I sigh anxiously. I wonder if any of them know what I'm thinking about; if they know what I want. I wonder if they can see on my face my attraction to males, or if they can smell it on me.

I know it's ridiculous of course, but I can't help but think about it. I take a long sip of my drink, letting it's warmth slide down my throat and heat me up from the inside out. After setting my coffee cup down, I take a deep breath in, holding it for a second, and then let it out, hoping that my worries will be exhaled as well.

Accepting that you're gay really isn't as easy as you would think. Especially with my family and the community that I live in. Some people know that they're gay from the start, but I refused to acknowledge the fact that I was attracted to men until...

Well, lets just say that there was finally a guy I was so attracted to I couldn't deny it any more. After checking out his ass for the twelfth time and thinking, "God I want him," I would have just been stupid to continue my idiocy.

That's also the reason why I'm at this cafe in the first place. This is where I first saw him. He's younger than me, probably by a few years, and he's absolutely gorgeous. He never even looked at me yesterday while we were both here. I'm hoping that he's a regular and comes in here around the same time everyday, because if he's not, I'm not sure how I'll be able to find him again. I mean we live in a small community, but it's pretty spread out and certain people aren't very social.

I know, I sound like some crazy stalker, but he's just so...perfect. I don't believe in love at first sight, but if I did, well, it would be for him. His perfect green eyes and brown hair I would just love to run my fingers through, if I ever could.

I sigh as I look outside the window, noticing the raindrops start to fall and hit the wall-length windows in giant spatters. I should leave before it starts pouring, I guess. I get up and throw my almost empty cardboard coffee cup away, putting my wallet back into my pocket and taking my keys out.

Much to my dismay, he must not be a regular. I'll have to find some other way to find him and meet him. I can't really ask around for him without an excuse though, so I'll have to figure out a reason for why I'm looking for him.

Teddy--------

I cannot wait for this school year to be over. I'm tired of high school and this community. They're so uptight and so proper, never letting loose or taking risks. God, these people wouldn't understand rebellion if it hit them in the face.

I get up from my desk in AP Biology as the bell rings. I gather my things, laughing silently at the people who rush out like it will make the day end faster. We only have three months left and we've already survived over three years, so three months should be nothing.

Honestly, I'm just ready to get out of the closet. Being a closet gay is probably the most annoying thing on the planet. You have to be extremely careful. Paranoia is a gay's best friend in a religious town.

I'm not weird or anything, really. I'm a normal human being. The only difference is that I'm gay. I have friends and I am not flamboyant at all. I play hockey and watch football and basketball. Normal enough.

I'm everything I should be, but it's all fake. I do enjoy skating and watching football. And I'm pretty manly if I do say so myself, but if my family knew about my sexuality it would crush them. I'm so close to them, especially my father, and I couldn't make them choose between their religion and beliefs and me. That's really unfair and wrong...

I know that being what I am is a sin. I've been taught it my whole life. But I can't stop who I am. I hate myself for it, yes, but I can't change it. I've tried, lots and lots of times. Eventually, I accepted myself for who I am.

I have to stay after school today for band practice unfortunately. As much as I'd like to say I'm in some cool band and I play guitar or drums, I'm in the marching band at my school. It's my last year, and while I love it, I'm so tired of it.

Plus it's gonna fuck with my caffeine addiction. I won't be able to go get my daily coffee. I'm gonna be one grumpy motherfucker.