Firework.

I bit my bottom lip and gazed out the car window. Scenery passed by quickly and if I looked too hard, it made me dizzy. I could feel the cold seeping in from the windows. John had the heat on full blast but it didn’t make a difference. It was weird being in the cold. Back home, the weather never got under 76 degrees. Here it was surely at least 40 degrees below that. I wanted to sigh, thinking about home and all did that to me often, but I knew better. Sighing would worry John.

I glanced at John from the corner of my eye and saw him already frowning. He was so brave, but sad too. He’d packed his things and left home for me, without a second look back. He had no contact with friends or co-workers anymore. I wondered how he didn’t feel more alone than I did on a good day. Then my stomach sank. He probably did feel more alone, but he was hiding it.

“So, the Marshalls said they got a job set up for me already.” John cleared his throat and then looked over at me. He must have felt me staring at him. I nodded in recognition of his statement. “And the house is furnished with all the utilities already set up. Aren’t you excited?” He smiled and glanced at me.

I was dumbstruck. “Excited?”

“Yeah, it’s kind of like going vacation, you know? Except we don’t have to pay for anything. Makes it that much more fun, right?” John’s smile widened and I tried not to look at him as if he were crazy, though that was exactly what I was thinking.

“Moving away from home so drastically is always fun.” I noted dryly and rested my chin in my palm. John’s smile fell faster than I could blink and I immediately wished I could take the sarcastic remark back. I expected him to say something more, but his lips formed a line as he started out the front windshield. We sat in silence for another few hours on the road.

John pulled over at a gas station to fill the car up again and to let me go to the bathroom. I bought a couple sodas for us to try and calm the tension. When I approached the car again, John was leaning against it with his eyes fixed on his cell phone. I bit my lip again, noticing that sad forlorn look in his eyes. He snapped the phone shut and quickly lost the sad look as he noticed my presence though.

“So, I guess it’s about time we ditch these.” He chuckled forcefully as he waved his phone in the air. “I think we’re just supposed to throw them in the trash.”

I fidgeted with the sodas in my hands. “What if they track them here?” John’s face practically drained of all color. It took him a few more minutes before he started nodding.

“Good thinking, Misse. I’ll just call the Marshalls now and ask them what exactly we should do.” He opened his phone again and I frowned.

“There’s a pay phone over there. It might be safer.” I shrugged and pointed over toward the outside of the gas station. John sighed and then smiled a little. He ruffled my hair as he passed by to go to the pay phone.

“You’re right. I’ll take care of this. You can crank up the car if you want. I’ve got the tank all filled up again.” I watched his back as he continued toward the gas station with his head down. His shoulders were slumped, which was highly unusual for him. He’d always been the proper, perfect posture John. I knew the stress of this whole situation was getting to him. I knew he was starting to resent me for it all too and that killed me on the inside.

I slipped into the car and closed my eyes. I didn’t care that the freezing cold was starting to seep into the car. All I really wanted was for John and I to be back in California, back in our small flat only a few blocks down from the beach. My insides ached for home.

I could feel my heart rate beginning to pick up pace. I bit my bottom lip as I glanced back at John’s figure. He was too far. Even if I yelled for him, he wouldn’t be able to help before the attack took over. I quickly bent over and attempted to place my head between my knees. Some people find this helpful, really I just find it nauseating.

I closed my eyes just as breathing started to get difficult. I cursed in my head several times over for being so stupid. Of course thinking about home would create an attack. It only took a minute before I had to really focus on keeping as calm as possible.

It felt like forever before the driver door opened and John slipped in. “So we actually get to keep the,” he stopped midsentence, probably as he realized I was cramped up in a ball. “It’s okay, Misse. Just focus on breathing, it’ll pass.” His voice dropped as his hand rubbed my back.

I gave a half nod as I started breathing out of my mouth. With John’s help, the attack ended shortly. I straightened up in the passenger seat and focused on the stop sign only a few feet away from the car. My pulse was mostly back to normal but my breathing would hitch every other minute or so.

“Jesus, Misse. Why didn’t you yell for me?” John sighed as he leaned forward, putting his head in his hands.

“I …... didn’t ….. have … time.” I forced out the last word quickly, making my chest hurt. I winced and cleared my throat. “Sorry.”

“Don’t ever apologize, Misse. None of this is your fault.” He reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezing it. “Absolutely none of this.” I gave him a weak smile to convince him I believed his words.

“Let’s get going. I’m ready to lie down in my new bed.” I casually attempted to change the subject. John nodded and turned the car on. He went back to talking about what the Marshalls told him but I wasn’t really listening.

In less than an hour I would be in my new home in Baltimore, Maryland. I couldn’t even pretend to be happy about it. I already hated the new apartment and state and everything else that was related to this mess. John was definitely wrong. It was all my fault.