I Don't Have Much In Life But Take It - It's Yours.

It's more of a guilt than a love thing when I forgive Jay for the stuff that happened, but it's nothing to do with guilt when I reply to his little "Ily" with a whole, "I love you," because it's something I do mean, even though I do have the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that we've rushed into everything.

It's not something I'd ever, ever, ever consider out loud or mention to anyone - especially not Jay - as I know that it would just end up with a lot of hurt and probably the end of the relationship that Jay and I have got between us. We make an odd pair - he's got everything and I have nothing, and he's gorgeous and I don't even need to describe how ugly I am - but I'm happy and I'm under the impression that Jay's happy too and that's really all that matters.

The Lostprophets song finishes and switches to Walk Away, by Funeral For A Friend, and with the opening bar Jay presses his lips to mine, just a soft kiss, and takes them away quickly. He pulls me closer to him by my hips and then kisses me again, slowly and in a way that makes me feel like he really cares.

I'm kissing him too, and I open my eyes for a second and see the music video over his shoulder, as I'm the one facing the TV, and my eyes stay transfixed on the screen. The pictures flashing on the screen matched with the music and the lyrics hit me and I can feel the stupid sad feeling in my chest and I can feel something hot sliding down my cheek.

Jay notices it too, and takes his lips away and stares at me with his big eyes. "What's wrong?" he asks, brushing the tear away with a cold hand and kissing the spot where it was.

I laugh a little, in spite of the mood I'm in, and respond with, "this song makes me sad," and that's when he laughs too and mumbles something into my hair about me being an emo kid and I growl. He laughs again and our lips meet again, and I tug on his black hair.

His response to that is to loop the material of the Atreyu shirt through his fingers and push it up my chest, pulling it over my head as I take my hands from his hair. He tosses it to one side and it lands over a pair of Converse in the corner. I can see Jay looking at my torso and I feel myself getting paranoid again, but he just kisses my neck and tells me not to worry, because I look beautiful.

I smile at that even though I know he doesn't really mean it, and stretch up to kiss him again. His hands go to the buckle of the belt on my black jeans, fumbling with it - as it's new it's hard to undo - and finally getting it open.

I expect him to undo my jeans straight after that, but he doesn't and instead just puts his hands on my waist - which make me shiver, partly due to the fact that they're freezing cold and partly because that's just the effect Jay has on me. I put my arms around his neck and feel those cold colourful rainbow bead he's wearing dig against my arm, but for some reason I don't care at the discomfort.

I get fed up of them soon though, and break my lips away from Jay to loop the beads over his head and throw them onto the floor. One of the loops in the neon bow tied to the elastic catches on my finger for a moment, and the knot comes undone and the ribbon flutters to the floor, landing a few inches away from our feet.

"Sorry," I mumble, and Jay glances at it and then back at me, before kissing along my jaw and murmuring that it doesn't matter. I stare at the threads of glitter that seem to sparkle in the fabric and that the colours never seem to stay the same for long.

It's beautiful, in a weird way.

There's something in that that makes me think of Jay; maybe it's the way it seems to sparkle, maybe the way that it's so bright and colourful, or maybe the way that it seems so perfect just to me.

He's perfect, and I'm not. It's another way we contrast. Perfect, and the imperfection. It doesn't seem to work and it probably won't in the long run, once Jay sees someone better and someone he deserves, but I'm not looking forward to that day so I'm just going to make the most of what I've got for now. It's nice to feel loved, to feel wanted, to belong, and I'm not going to let Jay go without a fight.

"What are you thinking?" Jay whispers to me, his fingertips on the elastic of my boxers, and I swallow and blink a few times, keeping my eyes on the ribbon on the floor.

"How you're perfect," I say, and I see him grin from the corner of my eye and smile, but before he says something, I cut him off with, "And how I'm not."

"No," he says, pushing his fingertips into my boxers and scraping his nails across the skin of my hipbones. "You're not." He pushes his lips to my collar, pressing his nails further into my skin and making me gasp. "But that's what I love so much," he adds, stepping a bit closer to me so there's hardly any space between us and I'm pretty sure that he can feel the erection I have.

But I can feel his too, so I don't suppose it matters too much.

"I love the way your hips stick out so much," he runs a finger along my hipbone and finishes up on the inside of my thigh, drawing circles on my skin that make me tug on his hair. "I love you the way your hair falls right in front of your eyes. I love the way your eyes are slightly different shades of blue. And I love the way that you're the most perfectly imperfect person I have ever met in my life."

"Jay?"

"Yes," he says, slightly breathlessly as I frantically kiss my way along his neck and his jaw line, occasionally biting his skin. I break away and stare right up at him.

"Shut up and fuck me."

He laughs and with that I push his shirt up so the fabric bunches around his chest, and then I tug it off over his head and let it fall onto the floor. He undoes my jeans and I push them down, and they come off without much trouble as they're hardly tight. I kick them away from me and hear something fall over, but Jay ignores it so I take it as a hint to do the same.

Getting Jay's jeans off is a different story - I have to undo the belt holding the jeans up and the two on his hips, and the fabric is so stiff that it's a struggle to undo the button. The jeans themselves are like a second skin so Jay has to hop out of them, and when he finally gets them off I grab his shoulders and slam my lips on his, feeling his hands grab the fabric of my boxers and push them a few inches down.

"Stop teasing me," I whine as his fingertips brush against the insides of my thighs, and he kisses me again, wrapping his fingers around my erection from in my boxers. "Jay," I say, pushing him away from me. "Stop playing games."

He smiles, his eyes lighting up, and steps towards me again and pulls down my boxers, leaving them around my ankles for me to kick away while he stares at me. I immediately grab his and push them down, waiting until he's moved them away with his foot before stepping right up against him and kissing his shoulders.

"Do you want to receive this time, Fynny?" he asks, making patterns on my back with one hand and I can't seem to get the words out so I just nod and he rests his forehead on mine. "I love you," he says, and I smile.

"I love you too."

He pushes my shoulder a little and I take that as a cue to turn around, and his hands snake around my torso so that they're on my stomach. He rests his head on my shoulder and I can hear my breathing - it's shallow and irregular and I'd be lying to say I wasn't a tiny bit scared - but I want this more than anything.

"This is going to hurt a bit," he whispers and kisses my shoulder blade. "Say if you want me to stop."

I nod at him, biting on my lip, and I feel the breath sear in my lungs as Jay pushes himself into me slowly. I can feel tears of pain gathering in the corners of my eyes but I gulp a couple of times and blink and I feel better again.

"Are you sure?" he says, and I nod and he pushes in further, making my legs shake and I nearly fall, but he tightens his arms around my stomach and I regain my posture. He murmurs something I can't hear, because his voice is quiet and his breath is ragged and I can hear my own too.

He moves out and then in again, and I make some kind of noise, a cross between a gasp of pain and an animalistic moan. Jay laughs a bit and makes a similar noise, except there's no pain to be heard in his.

He repeats the movement again, and this time the pain is much duller and it's just pretty much perfect. Jay says something but again I can't hear him and then he wraps his fingers around me and moves his hand up and down.

We go for a long time - longer than the first time and every so often Jay does something that makes me swear loudly or growl or moan, and when we stop I ache all over and Jay's hands are sticky.

I suddenly feel tired and just flop to the floor, and I can feel my eyes closing as Jay picks me up and carries me over towards the bed, murmuring that he loves me as he puts me down and drags the covers over us.

I'm almost off to sleep when I hear Jay say something, and I'm not really sure what it was, but I'm pretty sure it was one word.

"Forever."