Status: Incomplete & Inactive... for now, anyway

Melancholy Romance

August 30, 2004

School started back up today, and that uncomfortable feeling in my gut resurfaced, as I knew it would; succeeding in being even more engulfing and patronizing than I had remembered it to be. I know I was there; in the same atmosphere and location as the rest of them; but I spent the entire day alone in a fog. I just kept getting sucked into this uncontrollable daze as my mind wondered about; thinking about everything there is to think about, and wondering about even more.

One concept that really stuck in my mind was the glorifying of intelligence. People have always made intellect and understanding out to be something to be proud of; many studying vigorously to try to fill their minds with all the knowledge they could grasp, hoping to one day hold that honor. To me, ignorance was the greatest gift I have ever recieved. I can't think of much that I wouldn't give up to bring that sense of childhood ignorance and innocence back into my life; the only things being memories of Ritchey and the times when I was lucky enough to possess this ignorance I so crave. The numb-minded haven't got to worry themselves with all the mental challenges us intellects face on a daily basis (which is something the majority of the human race takes for granted, really). When you haven't got the intellect to contemplate all the reasons why nothing in life is important; you're actually able to possess motivation. When you haven't got the intellect to thoroughly think through every action and every concept in a nihilistic, mental rampage; you're able to possess a sense of meaning. Without a sense of meaning in your life, where are you suppossed to find any internal encouragement to succeed in or even start anything? You're just another creature floating through a well-traveled realm of drama, death, injustices, and lies.

I spent a good amount of time just peering around the classroom at the others, trying to figure out how they managed to hold onto their smiles and their motivating lust for life. The whole expirence made me build up with what felt like a deep, hostile hate for them all, but I knew that was just my body's way of trying to trick itself out of jealousy. Why is it that they get to hold onto the nieve bliss of childhood, and I have to survive in such a state as I do? What the hell did I ever do that was so God damn awful that I had to be cursed with this overbearing intellect I so despise? I can tell you one thing for sure: I'd happily exchange a couple dozen IQ points for a lifetime of smiles and ecstacy.

I think I'm really being a bit judgemental of them, though. I see these kids in a way very similar to that of a suitcase covered in friendly stickers of all the places it has travelled. Meaning, I only see their exterior, which I take in as a screaming billboard of their nieve hands holding a tight grasp on that lust for life I previously mentioned. For all I know, there could be a complete contradiction in what they convey and what they feel. For all I know, one or more of these kids could function in a similar state as I do, just minus the symmetry between interior and exterior. Hell, I'm sure the vast majority of outsiders look at me and think, "Look at that fucking emo twat! Faking his depression and cutting for attention, as they all do! What a fucking loser! Just watch, he'll change completely in three years once My Chemical Romance is out of the spotlight!". At least that's what sums up most of the snickers I hear echoing around me on occasion, but they can think what they want. It'd be nice if they were right and I was fine in three years, but I'm not counting on contracting Allsymer's or Amnessia anytime in my teen years. Anyway, the point is that I realize that I may be misjudging these people, and that I know most of them do the same to me. The truth of the matter is, once you're dead it's not going to matter what someone thought about you, and it's not going to matter what you thought about them. Those things may leave their mark on someone's mind, but they don't leave their mark on the world (and, I guarentee, that mind will die off long before this world comes to its destructive end).

Oh, and who the hell is My Chemical Romance?