Close Your Eyes to See

“I love you.” He felt her lips suddenly on hers as he wrapped his arms around her frame that was hovering over him in bed. It felt early, his eyes too tired to open as Aly rested her head on his chest.

“Ya leaving me already?” His voice was hoarse from just waking up and he honestly just wanted to get a few more hours of sleep.

“My flight leaves soon. I gotta get to the airport early.” John opened his eyes and stared at his girlfriend who was lying on top of him, a smile on her face.

“You know, I come back from a three month long tour and you are ditching me already?' John joked as he sat up from bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as Aly got off the bed and paced the room to make sure she packed everything.

“Well John, I don't plan everything I do around you. Besides, its only for two weeks. Do you think you can handle being without me for that long?”

“I can sure try.” Aly was leaving him and honestly, it was going to be weird. He was normally the one leaving Arizona and now, he was going to be the one alone in Arizona.

“What are you going to do while I'm gone?” Aly rested her purse on her shoulder as she stood next to the bed with one hand on her hip.

“Halvo is having a guys night out or whatever weird ass thing he came up with tonight. I told him I would go.” He rested his hands behind his head along the backboard of the bed, rolling his eyes at the thought of his crazy friend. The second he said that, however, Aly's face changed from happy to almost jealous.

“Does this night involve girls?”

“No Aly.” John groaned, knowing where this conversation was going – he knew it all too well. Aly was always jealous of any girl that even breathed the same air as him, it was honestly annoying.

“John, I don't like having to handle you being around girls all the time on tour and now have to worry about it when you are at home.”

“Don't you trust me?” John half joked, trying to avoid an argument this early in the morning. His brain was still asleep.

“I trust you, I don't trust every whore and skank in Arizona though.” Aly crossed her arms over his chest, clearly not impressed with the thought of leaving her boyfriend unmonitored for two weeks. John scratched the back of his head before leaning in and kissing Aly on the lips to get her to shut up.

“Babe, lets not fight right when you are about to leave,” he glanced at the clock hanging on the wall, “which is soon. Your parents will kill you if you miss your flight.”

John was a pro at getting Aly's mind out of an argument and getting her to focus on something else. Reluctantly, Aly leaned in and gave John a long and lingering kiss as if to remind him that he was in a relationship.
“I love you.” She said before turning towards the door.

“Love you too.” John responded before slowly sliding down the bed and disappearing underneath the covers, relaxing his body back into sleep in a matter of minutes.

----------

Stop it Edie. Stop it. Fuck. Stop. Edie kept repeating those words in her head as she worked to keep herself from crying. She stood in the mirror of her bedroom, staring at herself. She had worked so hard to put together a good outfit before heading out to a party with Eric, but as she stood there and looked at herself – all of her energy was drained and her desire to go out with anyone was completely gone. She couldn't look at herself, the harsh reality hitting her hard.

“Ya almost ready Ed?!” Eric shouted from her living room couch, waiting patiently for her. A few of the guys – Eric, John, Tim, Jared and Dirk – were seated in Edie's living room watching TV while waiting for her to finish up. She had been done with getting ready for almost fifteen minutes, but her insecurities were coming over her and she didn't even want to leave her room. She thought that if by wearing extra makeup and doing her hair really well, it would make her feel better. It didn't.

Her outfit looked dumb. Her black bandage skirt showed off her stomach and she had to wear a cardigan over her floral bralet to hide the fat and stretch marks that covered her arms. She was disgusting and everyone was going to make fun of her if she went anywhere tonight.

Not to mention, she was almost nervous. The party tonight had a bunch of Eric's friends that she still didn't know and quite honestly, didn't want to know. She had met Dirk and Tim, who were currently sitting in her living room, just the other night and she still felt uncomfortable being around them. She didn't know why she was acting like an insecure and socially awkward five year old tonight, but it was worse than normal.

She glanced in the mirror once more, pulling her skirt down slightly and trying to readjust her cardigan to make her not look as stupid, but it wasn't working. She couldn't help it, but soon, the tears were flowing. Her makeup was ruined for the night, as were her spirits and she continued to look at herself in the mirror and pick out all of the imperfections she had.

Her thighs were too big, making the fat bust out of her skirt. Her stomach was too big, her outfit doing a good job at showing it off instead of hiding it. She couldn't show any skin because all of it was ruined with stretch marks and fat that wouldn't go away. Everything was wrong with her. Everything.

“Edie, what's the hold up?” Eric slowly opened the door, giving Edie a few seconds to wipe the tears from her eyes and hide her face from her best friend. Too defeated to even come up with an excuse, she kicked off her black heels and walked over to her bathroom – grabbing a makeup remover wipe and taking all of the products off of her face.

“You guys should go without me.” Edie said in monotone, everything going wrong for her tonight. Eric shut the bedroom door behind him and walked over to her bathroom, standing there with his arms crossed.

“Come on, Edie. Don't do this. Let's go and have a good night.”

“Its supposed to be guys night out. Not guys night out and Edie too.” She was being rude to Eric and honestly didn't care. She would rather be rude to him than tell him the real reason why she didn't want to go.

“You know its not like that. You got all dressed up and everything, lets just go out. You've had a long day at work an-”

“I am just going to get stuck being DD and having to drive all your drunken asses home, no thank you Eric.” She tossed the wipe in the trash and threw her perfectly straight hair up into a bun on the top of her head.

“Whats the real reason why you don't want to go?” Eric was starting to get on her nerves, pushing her to tell him shit that she didn't want to talk about.

“I don't want to hang out with you and your friends.” Edie spat causing even Eric to get slightly frustrated with his difficult best friend.

“You never want to hang out with us Edie.”

“Then why do you invite me to do stupid shit with you?” The two of them stood in front of each other, their arms crossed and bitter expressions on their faces.

“Because all you do is fucking sit at home all alone. I feel bad for you Edie, alright.” She shook her head at him, scuffing at his words.

“Just go without me.”

“Not until you-”

“Just leave Eric!” Edie shouted at him, loud enough to where she knew the guys in the living room had heard her. She immediately wanted to apologize to Eric for yelling at him, but she was past the point of no return. She could read the expression on Eric's face – he was both mad and confused.

Without another word, Eric left Edie's room with a slam of the door as he walked back into the living room and grabbed his phone, wallet and keys off of the coffee table.

“We are leaving, lets go.” He said coldly as he walked to the apartment door, not bothering to wait for the guys as they got up from the couch completely confused.

John looked at Edie's closed bedroom door and he contemplated going to talk to her and try and convince her to tag along with the guys, but he felt like he didn't know the girl well enough to talk her into doing anything.

“What was that all about man?” John caught up to Eric outside the apartment complex as the rest of the guys hung back and smoked a few cigarettes as they walked to the car.

“Edie is just all over the place right now and we got into a fight about- I don't even know what. We haven't had an argument in a while so I knew it was about damn time, but fuck – that girl is stubborn.”

John knew that Edie and Eric had a brother-sister relationship, but they seemed so different from one another. Edie was quiet and kept to herself while Eric was the loud crowd pleaser, always the life of the party. It was kind of hard for him to understand.

As the guys piled into Eric's car, reeking of cigarettes and ready to drink the night away – John found himself not partaking in the conversation going on in the car as they drove down the road. Instead, he stared out the window of the passenger's seat, finding himself thinking of Edie. He wanted to figure her out and he didn't know why. There was something about her that intrigued John more than any person had before. There was something underneath the surface – something deeper than the quiet act she led on.

----------

“Fuck.” Edie cursed out loud as a big glob of black paint hit one of her white Converse. She shouldn't have worn white shoes while painting. She set down her tray of paint and paintbrush onto the floor and laid down on the nearby couch, her mind in a whirl.

She had just started the mural in Eric and Beth's apartment and already wanted to start over – her head wasn't in the right place. She had seen Eric since last night when they got in a fight and she knew sooner or later, he was going to ask her about it.

She was in their apartment by herself, Beth being at the studio and Eric out with the guys. The Arctic Monkeys were blasting from the nearby speakers, hoping that the music would drown out the thoughts in her head.

Her mental state was a mess. It happened once every few months. She would get so self conscious and have such low self esteem, she felt like she couldn't do anything. She laid on the couch wearing an oversized beer shirt, black leggings and white Converse – a black Neff beanie covering her overly greasy hair she didn't feel like washing.

She wanted to leave and not ever finish the mural, but she promised Beth and Eric. Those two had done so much for her that it would be selfish if she didn't finish what she promised to them.

Her mom had called her that morning, which had immediately put her in a bad mood, reminding her that she needed to find a date for their stupid formal event in a few weeks. Jean wanted her to go with William – Edie told her over her dead body. She wished Gabe was home to help with all of this, but she hadn't heard from him in a while and had no idea when he was supposed to be home next.

Edie snapped out of her thoughts when she heard the music from the stereo get turned down and looked to see Eric standing there, literally holding up a white flag in surrender.

“Can we talk now?” He walked over to her and sat at the end of the couch she was currently occupying, still holding the miniature white flag in his hand. Edie reached up and snatched the flag out of his hand, throwing it across the room.

“You are such a weirdo.” She chuckled, sitting up from her position to give Eric more room on the couch.

“If the slipper fits. So what was up with last night?” Edie began chewing on her nails, a nervous habit she had adapted over the years, as she contemplated whether or not to tell Eric the real reason why she was having a meltdown last night.

Once Eric had left her bedroom last night, the tears were flowing freely and she couldn't get them to stop. She laid in her bed for the rest of the night with Harley and just cried – hating herself more and more as time dragged on.

Edie White wasn't suicidal, although it sounded like it sometimes. She just hated herself, she didn't hate living though. She had as many good days as bad days, but when the days were bad – they were the worst.

Although she had such a poor self image, she never thought of killing herself. Committing suicide or doing anything to harm herself was never an option in her book, there was too much to live for and she knew that if she self harmed in any way, it would just make her more depressed and she would fall farther down in her black hole of despair and self hatred.

She tried really hard to stay positive and some days were better than others. Last night was a bad night. No one besides her really knew how sad she got about herself sometimes, she didn't want to tell people – it was too embarrassing.

“I was just having a bad night, Eric and decided to take it out on you. I'm sorry.” She reached over and patted Eric on the shoulder, hoping that he would take the lie and let it slide.

“What made you have a bad night, Ed? I could have stayed in and hung out with you. The guys wouldn't have minded.” Edie shook her head and stood up from the couch.

“It was-uhh my mom. You know that she has been on my back a lot lately and with me being tired from work last night and having to deal with her, I was just in a bad mood.” Edie walked over and began cleaning up the paint mess from today, deciding to pick it back up tomorrow or something.

“You could have told me, Edie. I would have understood all of that stuff.” Edie avoided eye contact with Eric and nodded her head, walking into the kitchen to rinse the paint off of her brushes.

“I know. But hey, I have to ask you a question.” She paused what she was doing in the kitchen and walked out to the living room where Eric still was.

“My parents are having this formal event in a few weeks and I need a date.”

“Your parents hate me, Edie.” Edie leaned on the doorframe in the hallway, shrugging her shoulders at Eric's words.

“Fuck 'em. I told them that I would only go if I could bring a date so you have to go with me so we can be miserable together.” Eric's eyebrows fumed together in thought before he finally looked at his best friend from across the room and smiled,

“Only if I can wear a bow tie.”