Close Your Eyes to See

Edie stood in front of her closet like she did everyday, facing the same decision that graced her mind every morning. She glanced to her left and took in her underwear covered body in the mirror, feeling sad and not ready to face the day.

She had the perfect outfit laid out for her to wear, but of course, it would never be worn. Instead of reaching for the white tank top she wanted to wear, she threw her grey american flag pull over onto her unmade bed, feeling more defeated than before.

She could never ever show her arms to anyone. She wore tops that covered her upper arms and shoulders three hundred and sixty five days a year. It must be fun to wear those in the scorching heat of Arizona, right?

Everyone had stretch marks. Guys, girls, big and small – but Edie got the fortunate trait of having stretch marks that not only took over her hips and thighs, but her shoulders and upper arms as well. They were the biggest captors of her self confidence and there was nothing she could do to get rid of them.

“Fuck.” Edie wiped the frustrated tear from her eye and threw the pullover over her head before she got to frustrated with herself. She walked over to her stereo and played the soothing sounds of Brand New as she got ready for the day. She sat at her vanity and began putting on her makeup – she never wore too much. Unlike all of the girls she was around, she didn't need bronzer or thick eyelashes or any of that stuff.

As a child, Edie never fit in with the girls at her school. Instead of playing with makeup, she would rather hang out with the boys and play baseball. She wasn't necessarily a girly girl, but she certainly wasn't a tomboy. She never felt like she completely fit in with the scene of girls – they were always judgmental and catty and talked too much shit for her liking. Guys were more laid back and didn't really care about anything.

“Don't look at me like that.” She said to her cat, Harley, that sat on the edge of the bed staring while Edie put on her makeup. Edie lived in a comfortable two bedroom apartment all alone, only sharing it with her brother when he came home once every few months. Her older brother, Gabe, is a reporter and spends a lot of his time traveling only ever getting vacation time a few times a year. He pays half the rent monthly so Edie couldn't really complain about the situation.

Edie got closer to her mirror, attempting to do her cat eye eyeliner in one try this morning because she was running late for work already. Once both sides were evenly symmetrical, she tossed the tube in her pile of makeup and slipped on her bleach white Converse. She walked over and put her wallet, sunglasses and purse into her hand painted tote canvas bag, she had a thing for giraffes.

When Edie wasn't working, she spent a lot of her time drawing and painting – it was something she had loved since she was younger. If she wasn't painting on a canvas or drawing on paper, she was reconstructing her clothes - she never wanted to wear the same things as other people. She was constantly cutting, ripping, sewing and dyeing any clothing item she could get her hands on. Its what made her happy.

“See you tonight.” She patted Harley on the head before walking out of her bedroom door and out the apartment door. She didn't mind that it was her and her cat most of the time, she was hardly ever home. It seemed as though she was constantly out doing something these days.

+++

“Sixteen ounce White mocha!” Edie sat the coffee on the counter and returned to pulling shots for more drinks. She had been working at the coffee shop, literally called “The Coffee Shop”, for almost a year and she loved it. She made pretty good tips, got to listen to good music all day and converse with some really cool people.

“Maggie, can you go help the next customer?” Edie asked as she put the ingredients into the blender to make a frappe. This place was always busy in the mid-afternoon, everyone needing their iced drinks to ward off the heat outside. As Edie dumped the liquid into the clear cup, she watched as the boy at the register carelessly flirted with Maggie. She tried her best not to roll her eyes, but it never worked.

“Twelve ounce mocha frappe.” Edie called out and returned to the coffee machine. Customers were constantly flirting with Maggie and with good reason, she was pretty. Hitching from the upper midwest, Maggie had just graduated from Arizona State with a psychology major. She was extremely nice and smart which is why Edie loved to work with her. She didn't have to baby sit. But Maggie was also extremely pretty and carried a nice body. She hair was long and dark, her blue eyes sticking out like a sore thumb. Guys seemed to go crazy over that.

Edie rarely got attention from customers and when she did, they were either really creepy men or guys not worth Edie's time. Edie had never had a boyfriend or anything like that and the farthest she had gone with a boy was when she made out with one of Eric's friends when she was drunk. To think, a twenty one year old that had less experience with a guy than most fifteen year olds these days.

All around her, people were hooking up and breaking up. The whole concept of love for her had been tarnished and she was convinced she would never find someone that would love her for who she really was. The concept of being alone was so scary to Edie that sometimes, she would have panic attacks over it. She didn't know why she was the way she was.

+++

“You look sad and pathetic right now.”

“Me and Beth got into it again.” Edie looked down at the sad Halvo that was sitting in front of her apartment door, waiting for her. Every once and while, him and his girlfriend, Beth, would get in an argument and he would get kicked out of the apartment and he would end up at her doorstep for some strange reason. Edie rolled her eyes at Halvo as he stood up and she unlocked the white door and lead him inside,

“What happened this time?” It was the same routine – Beth would call him within a few hours and everything would be sorted out. She didn't mind the company in the meantime though. Edie threw her bag onto the kitchen counter with a sigh. She smelled like coffee and sweat and her hair needed a wash. The clock on the microwave read that it was almost seven o'clock and she was already exhausted.

“We were arguing about where to put the furniture and when I went to move the couch in the living room, I knocked over a vase and she went off.” Eric threw his hands up dramatically and Edie rolled her eyes. Was it mentioned that Eric and Beth were known to fight over the stupidest stuff.

“She was probably just having a bad day, Halvo. Its good that you let her cool off. Are you hungry?” She opened the fridge as Halvo hopped up and sat on the nearby countertop with a look of hunger in his eyes.

“Is that even a question?” Edie laughed to herself as she pulled out a jar or spaghetti sauce and set it on the counter. She reached down and grabbed a pot from the bottom cabinet, filling it with water and placing it on the stove to boil.

“So what are your plans for the rest of the night?”

“I don't want to go to another party, Halvo.” Whenever Eric asked a question like that, it was always about another party in town.

“Come on, this one is different. A bunch of the guys are back in town and you haven't met any of them.”

“I thought I met all of your 'friends' already?” Edie just recently started letting Eric take her to parties where she didn't know anyone, which is hated, so he could have her meet some of his friends. Normally, they just went to parties together where they had mutual friends.

“These ones just got back into town and I haven't seem them in almost a year. Beth is still pissed at me so I need a wingman and you are my girl.” Edie added the pasta to the boiling water and sighed.

Eric, despite him being the biggest loser on the planet, was in a band. He was gone a lot of time so whenever Edie got the chance to hang out with him, she always did. Normally, hanging out with him consisted of going to a party or him getting all of her food – its just how their friendship worked.

“Last time didn't go so well dude.....”

“So Justin can't hold his alcohol, I promise he won't barf on you this time.” Edie cringed at the disgusting thought of when his bandmate, Justin, got so drunk that he threw up on her brand new boots.

“Just come and have fun, Edie. We won't even stay that long.” She stirred the pasta and sighed. She was originally planning on watching Modern Family reruns all night so at least this gave her something to do.

“Fine. Let's eat and let me shower. If there is even a little bit of puke, I am going to cut your dick off.”